I couldn’t tell how many hours I spent panicking about Steven’s condition. But I knew that I couldn’t escape. Just in case Steven survived, I wouldn’t let myself put him in danger. If my disappearance from his life was what it took to keep him alive, then that was what I would do…I felt so stupid! Rather than falling out with him, I should have been making the most of seeing him, now that I probably wouldn’t get to talk to him ever again. It was ridiculous, how much I was going to miss that stupid, patronising, leader-onner of a brother…and yet he was still my brother.
Just as I was berating myself silently, Mitsu came stomping through to the kitchen, clattering plates loudly and slamming cupboards with unnecessary force. A loud crash finally drew my attention, and Mitsu swore loudly. He had dropped a plate and it had shattered on the laminate flooring. I rolled my eyes and drifted over to him where he was leaning on the counter, shaking violently. “I’ll clear this up. You should probably stand somewhere safer so you don’t cut yourself.” Mitsu nodded and glided over to the sofa. I dug a dustpan and brush out from under the sink and quickly swept the shards of china up as best I could. It was my figuring that I should just stay on his good side; do whatever I could to keep him from getting angry.
I could see… brightness… a white light, but not surrounded by darkness, more… more artificial, more like a light bulb, or a ceiling of some sort. I groaned, the pain was still agonizing, and George swam into focus. “Stevie! Please, please tell me you’re okay!” I shook my head and whimpered slightly as tears appeared in the corners of my eyes. “I’m not okay, I’m not okay at all. It hurts so much George, so much…” With all my energy focused on holding the pain back, the tears trailed down my face onto, well, a pillow I guess. I was truly in agony. The doctor came over and smiled slightly. “You’re awake, need anything to numb the pain?”
George nodded and spoke quickly, “Please, get him some morphine or something, he’s crying from the pain, I can’t bear to see him like this, it’s all that Mitsu’s fault, I swear he-“ I shook my head. “No, no, no painkillers. No medicine to dull the pain. No.” George looked at me in scared concern, and the Doctor looked quizzical. “I gotta do this. I have to. I have to take this pain, I have to, I have to be able to deal with this myself. I can’t rely on anyone else.” The doctor nodded, but George looked at me in total shock. “You’d take all that pain?” I nodded, the tears streaming down my cheeks. “I have to deal with it. It’s just how it is.”
I wandered over to Mitsu, placing my hands on his shoulders comfortingly. “Why are you being so nice to me?” he whispered hoarsely. He was still shaking. I sighed, and sat next to him. “No, I mean it,” he said, before I could reply. “Why don’t you just shoot me and be done with it? I want you to hate me…this will be easier if you hate me.” I looked at him curiously. “You don’t want to do this, do you?” I asked softly. He looked up at me, and in his eyes I could see a tortured expression that he had been suppressing for a while. Mitsu shook his head, his eyes pleading. “Please, please help me. I need you to help me. I need you to hate me.”
I couldn’t look away from his pained face. “I couldn’t hate you,” I whispered, “I just couldn’t. There’s something about you…I can’t explain it. But…I do…I love you.” One solitary tear sparkled as it trickled down his angelic face, and was instantly soaked into the thick weave of the carpet. And then I couldn’t hold myself back. I leaned in a pressed my lips to his gently. I felt his breath catch in his throat as I wrapped one arm around his neck, and then he finally reciprocated. Surreptiously, I let my free hand wander down to Mitsu’s pocket, feeling gently.
Mitsu leaned yet closer to me, placing his hands on the small of my back and pulling me tightly towards him. I lifted the gun out of his pocket and held it very closely to his right temple. Opening my eyes, I pulled back to see Mitsu’s old lopsided grin blossom again, and couldn’t stop the corners of my own mouth from lifting up. Tears were streaming down my face silently, and Mitsu used one gentle hand to try and wipe them away. But the ones he brushed off were rapidly replaced by new tears. Despite my shaking, my hand was steady as I pulled the trigger of the gun back. The loud crack but me flinch, but I watched Mitsu’s grin grow and soften, and waited until the light left his eyes to close my own.
I felt the gun slip from my hand and clatter to the floor loudly, but I couldn’t find any emotions to feel. In spite of my hatred of crying, I couldn’t stop the pathetic sobs that shivered through me. It felt almost cruel that Mitsu hadn’t been behind this. I wanted to find a reason to hate him as much as he wanted me to, so that I didn’t have to feel this way. I wouldn’t ever have to miss him, I wouldn’t have to wish he was still here, I wouldn’t feel lonely again. My hands wrapped around my ribs tightly, in a subconscious attempt to hold myself in one piece while I wanted to fall apart.
