Franklin turned to me and whispered as soon as she left the room. “She’s not going to the toilet, is she?” I shook my head. I knew exactly why she’d left, and I felt I had a huge part to play in that. I mentally slapped myself as Franklin stood up and walked to the door, “I’ll be back in a moment.” I nodded, but as he closed the door upon leaving my stomach sank into the darkness it had become accustomed to in Julian’s presence. “Well… this is interesting…” Julian commented awkwardly. I nodded, without looking in his direction, and he stood up, pacing the room slightly. “I was going to tell you tomorrow.”
I looked up then, my head in my hands. “Tell me on Christmas? That the reason you’d come was to sort thing out, not to be my brother or… my friend? To sort us out?” He nodded, biting his lip slightly. I stood up and laughed incredulously. “Do you know how much I’ve been through because of this?” He tilted his head slightly. “You’re clueless, aren’t you? You didn’t even break my heart, you fool! What did I always tell you? If you’re going to break up with me, tell me a load of things about how worthless and pathetic I am, so that way I can hate you and move on, but no, just as Franklin said, I can’t because I still love you!”
Julian shuffled anxiously as I talked. “I’m still in love with you, and then there’s Rin who loves me, and George who loves me too, and I’m almost dating George and I’m lying to him at every turn because all I ever think about is you! And think about Charlotte! She watched me waste away because we were going through a rough time, and then she saw me kissing George because I needed someone to hold me, and she assumed the worst and that you needed to know, and now you’re back, and I don’t even know what to think!”
“All I could think about when I first saw you was how everything was going to work out okay, but after I woke up, everything you said was a mixture, everything you did made me so confused! I felt happy, sad, guilty, unsure, dependant, angry at myself, angry at you, angry at George and Rin and Charlotte and… and I don’t even know what to do anymore! My big sister Elisa was right, you’re… you’ve done nothing but…” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t hurt him, despite all the pain he’d caused me, so I simply jumped back in my chair and pulled my knees up close to my face, rubbing my temples. I could feel his arm reaching out to touch me and I snapped at him. “Don’t. L needs to think. Light… can wait for now. L needs to think of what’s best for him.” Before I could stop him, say anything more, he pulled me up off the chair and into a tight hug, his arms wrapped around my waist. “I am so, so sorry. I only came because… I still love you too.” In an instant, I was blinking back the tears again, and I could do nothing but dissolve into the embrace. Seconds later, the door banged open and Franklin burst into the room, carrying a seemingly unconscious Charlotte. “I think she’ll be okay, but we best call the hospital right away!”
The white light seemed to sear my eyes and I had to close them quickly again – it was almost a reflex. I opened one eye slowly to acclimatize, then the other, peering around. A steady, mechanical beeping was drilling painfully into my brain. The smell of disinfectant seemed to trigger a memory…the first day I had met Mitsu; that smell had burned my nostrils then, too. Then the logic behind that thought slid into place – I was in a hospital. I vaguely remembered expecting to throw up, I was outside the courtyard, and then I passed out…Oh, god, I was in a hospital. “I can’t be in a hospital!” I yelled wildly, jumping out of bed and yanking the needle out of my arm.
The window frame stuck for a minute, but I finally managed to shove it open. Outside, the evening air smelt like winter, somehow; it smelt of frost and ice and dying plants and cold beginnings. I took a deep breath of that refreshing smell before pushing the window that little bit more, making it creak uncomfortably. My leg seemed heavy as I hitched it over the frame, but just as I was about to pull the other one through, two firm hands gripped either side of my waist, tugging me back inside into an unfamiliar embrace. “It’s okay, it’s alright,” murmured a soft, male voice while gentle hands caressed my hair. “How is this alright? What am I? What about me is alright?” I sobbed, finally realising that I had been crying since I thought about Mitsu. I choked back my tears with gulping gasps that made me dizzy again, but the stranger just shook his head, pulling me closer. “You are allowed to cry, you know. It isn’t showing weakness, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
I let his words register and cried uncontrollably into his chest. “It’s okay,” he crooned again, in the way one would comfort a baby. I knew his words were lies, but they were what I needed to hear. I needed to be comforted, even if it was a lie. I had needed to hear those words, those promises. The warm, gentle touch of this man spread through to my heart, giving me just a temporary speck of humanity again as I wept into the hug of someone I didn’t know.
“Get your hands off my sister,” growled a voice in the doorway. I pulled weakly out of the consoling hold to speak with Steven. “I-I-It’s alri-right, he’s a n-n-n-nice guy, he wa-was just,” I stammered through the tears, but the guy interrupted me with a hand on my shoulder. “I’m Charlotte’s doctor; she needed a hug. But she isn’t allowed visitors right now, so you ought to leave before you get thrown out.” Steven made another animalistic noise, but he was guided away by a pair of tanned hands. “By the way, Steven?” I asked quietly. He poked his head around the door protectively. “How’s George?” He disappeared around the corner, and I dumped myself down onto the bed exhaustedly.
I shoved Rin’s hands off of my shoulders and paced the corridor. “You need to calm down. Nothing will-” I interrupted him, “Go wrong? Nothing will go wrong? This is what happened last time, Rin! Patient-doctor bonding ending up in love and I can’t let her fall on rebound!” Rin shook his head lightly and I walked towards the exit, turning back to face the ward Charlotte was being kept in. I paced back to the ward and turned to face the exit. “Damn this!” Rin looked at me in confusion. “I can’t decide what’s worse, being here and letting my sister be touched by some stranger, or being here and knowing that back home, Julian and George will be talking about their feelings for me, and guess what? Both are happening!”
Rin sat down on a plastic-looking chair as I paced the hall. A distraught George and a calm Julian were at home, discussing how they felt about me and how I’d treated them both. Here, a distraught Charlotte and a calm doctor were discussing Charlotte’s treatment. How could I choose between love and in love, between family and… Julian… They were both equally important to me, and yet I was torn… my mind stayed with Charlotte, my heart with Julian, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. Glad that the hall was empty apart from Rin and myself, I let the tears of rejection and redemption flow, Rin pulling me into a tight but meaningless hug, finally admitting defeat to my emotions.
