RULE 1: ABSURDITY IS FUNNY TO A POINT

Yes, our old friend absurdity. How we love to laugh at him and his many manifestations, from a politician trying to weasel his way out of the latest scandal/gaffe, to a deluded "expert" calmly explaining to us how doomed we are from the newest health scare, to something as simple as a fanboy/girl going nuts on something that really doesn't matter in the end. We all enjoy a little absurdity every now and then. However, when writing a funk food post, absurdity is only funny to a certain point. Once you cross that point, you enter the realm of "stupidity", and the audience will no doubt view your writing with abject hatred.

For instance, one could write, "I just taught a gorilla how to use a chainsaw". The audience gets the mental image of a man spending several days, perhaps weeks, out of his life attempting to teach a gorilla how to use a power tool. At the end, when the gorilla has mastered the art, one then wonders "what possible use could that gorilla get out of using a chainsaw? And why did one man waste so much time out of his life trying to teach this creature how to use a tool he was never meant to possess?" See? You get at least a mild chuckle at the thought of the absurdity of the situation.

Contrast that to if one said "A gorilla used a chainsaw and a rocket pack to fight ninjas on the moon." This statement is too absurd to be funny. Really think about that sentence you just read. Try to get a mental image. You see a gorilla fighting ninjas with a chainsaw and a rocket pack on the surface of the moon. Now, think about a middle-aged man spending time and energy, wiping the sweat off his brow, attempting to teach a large gorilla in his care how to use a chainsaw for no reason. Which is funnier?

RULE 2: VIOLENCE CAN BE COMEDY FODDER

Violence in its very nature is not funny. When you hear about a shooting several blocks from your living space, a terrorist attack on the general populous, or a man convicted of murdering his family, your natural reaction to this news is not laughter. It's usually fear, anger, or outrage. And this is completely natural. It is in our biology to fear violence. Why? Because, just like any other animal, humans have a need for self-preservation. If you ever meet a totally brave Rambo-type who does not fear violence, chances are he's either residing in a mental institution or a lonesome grave. So, how can violence be used for a cheap laugh?

Well, violence can be made funny if it's placed in the proper situation. Let me throw out a scenario. You can write "two men are fighting outside, and one of them just pulled a knife!" Sounds like something you'd hear on the eleven o'clock news, right? That's not funny. Two human beings engaged in mortal combat can be scary, it can be exciting, and it can be dramatic, but it cannot be funny. So, let's make it funny.

Let's rewrite it like this: "A man and a bear are fighting outside, and the bear just pulled a knife!" Reflect on this sentence. You see a man probably in his mid-twenties trying to engage a bear, an animal that a size, weight, and strength advantage over him, in fisticuffs. Suddenly, that bear pulls a knife on our homo sapien friend! How did that bear get a knife? And, more importantly, how did the relationship between this man and this bear go so far south that it's come down to a fistfight between the two? Viola! Violence grants a chuckle!

RULE 3: ANIMALS ARE COMEDY GOLD

Animals are all around us. In every city on earth, you will find a plethora of fauna that share the land with us. These creatures go about their lives much like we do. They live simply to survive another day. This is pure Darwinism: survival of the fittest. Another thing about animals is that they're incredibly cute. How many times have you been driving along, seen a stray dog walking down the lonely concrete road, and thought "Oh, look at that dog! I'm gonna take him home right now!" Naturally, animals are comedy gold. When they're used incorrectly, however, they can become comedy poison.

Let us dwell on this. I'll start you off with this: "That bird just cooked the best vegetarian chili I've ever tasted!" Let's think about this sentence. We have a bird, let's say a pigeon since they're so common, cooking a pot of chili, a clearly human dish. And a human being ate said chili, knowing it was prepared by a pigeon. Furthermore, the human being enjoyed the dish! That's cute, but is it funny? Eh, kinda. How can we make this funnier? Let's try something else.

"A dog was arrested for voting in a local election". Think about that one. Here we have a golden retriever being escorted from an elementary school gymnasium turned into a make-shift voting spot by several policemen for trying to have his voice heard in a local city election. Why did they choose to call the police, and not animal control? Will the dog spend time in jail? How long? Furthermore, why did the dog choose to vote? What views could an entirely different species have on affairs that are purely human? See? A chortle comes forth!

On a quick note, the same rule of violence applies to animals. "Two dogs are fighting outside" is not funny, it's sad. The only reason the "Bear with knife" above was funny was because the bear had such an obvious advantage over his human combatant, and yet he chose still to pull out a weapon. Furthermore, the bear was engaging the human being in a human form of combat, something bears do not do. Thus, comedy.

RULE 4: LET'S TALK ABOUT LANGUAGE

The way we speak says volumes about who we are. Have you met a guy who uses a lot of fancy twenty-dollar words? You probably think he's pretty smart, or pretty pompous. Every met a guy who spoke in short, direct sentences? Maybe you thought he was very shy, or perhaps very wise. How about somebody who curses a lot? Chances are you thought they weren't very smart, or maybe you thought this was a character you'd rather not be associated with. Much like the language we use effects others' perception of us, so does the language we use in our junk food post reflect the mood of the post itself.

Let's talk about this for a while. Here's a sentence. "The septuagenarian at the counter could barely comprehend the details of the order with which I placed." Hmm... lots of big words. Is it funny? An old lady couldn't hear what I was trying to order. That's not very funny.

How about this one: "Some A****le just f****n' blindsided my g*****n car and ran the f**k off like a b***h!" Lots of curse words in this one. I feel more anger in it than comedy. Some guy gets blindsided, and the event quickly turns into a hit-and-run. This could potentially be comedy if put in the right situation, but as it is presented, it is not.

Let's try one with common language. "Some guy just slammed a lemon meringue on the side of my car!" The language is simple. It's easy to read and understand. The audience is not drawn away from it. Furthermore, they are able to visualize the situation. This is worth a chuckle!

RULE 5: PERSONAL EXPERIENCE IS GREAT STUFF

Did you know that you can actually draw on your own personal experiences to gain laughs? Really! Would I lie to you? Chances are, if you look back on it and laugh, others will look at it and laugh as well. So, if you got it, use it! Personal experience can give a goofy post a much-needed injection of depth, helping the audience connect with you, and making your writing even funnier. However, there are certain rules to this.

Let us see what we can do with this. First off, it's important to recognize what audience your writing to. Let me give you a good example of a piece of my own person experiences. "Rick Steiner once got into a verbal fight with Chucky from the "Child's Play" series. What's worse, he lost said fight to an inanimate object." I got a good grin just typing that! Most wrestling fans, remembering the absurdity of Rick Steiner having a hissy fit with Chucky for no real reason, would probably laugh as well. Will you laugh? Are you a wrestling fan? If you're a member of a site called "theOtaku", chances are you're probably not. This is an example of writing to the wrong audience.

Let's try another. "At the last convention I attended, I had the misfortune to meet a girl who had the worst Sakura costume I'd ever seen, and the face of a rat." If you're an anime fan who attends conventions, chances are you've seen some straight-up horrid cosplay. Telling you of my experience probably triggers memories of your experience with this. You probably laugh a bit, huh? In this sense, I have written to the right audience. Would a pro wrestling fan laugh? Probably not. Pro wrestling fans generally do not dress up as their favorite wrestlers, so they have no experience with this situation.

Let's try one more. "The stupidest thing I did in Las Vegas was sprint down the Strip in a tux and black tie. Men literally dove out of my way!" Think about this one. I am a man in a black suit, black tie, short hair, angry face. I'm sprinting down the Las Vegas Strip at full speed, and I'm coming right toward you. What's your first reaction? If you're in Las Vegas, it's probably "Holy God, the feds are after me!" Men ran the opposite direction, dove out of my way, and one man threw his drink to the ground and begged me not to arrest him. Everyone has heard the phrase "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". It's the City of Sin. Naturally, seeing a federal agent coming at you in Las Vegas is probably a bad thing. Did you get a smile from this? This would be an example of personal experience for a large audience, not really pertaining to a select group.

RULE 6: CREATIVITY IS KEY

Hey, you! Who would win in a fight between a ninja and a pirate? Huh? You don't care? What if I threw in a zombie? All three of those are used all the time. What's funny about ninjas anymore? That's not creative. The essence of any goofball post is creativity. Any slouch can write "Gnomes just broke into my house, and they're drinking all my cough syrup", but really, is that funny? How many times have you read about gnomes? To maximize the joy taken from your post, think outside the box! Forget about things you've heard that are funny. There's a good law I like to use as pertains to jokes: "A joke is never funny the second time around". You can think of something great! Try it out!

Those are few simple rules for you to use when writing your very own junk food post, just like your old pal Flint! Now, with your newfound knowledge in the art of comedy posting, go forth and wreak fun on this land! Have fun now!

-Flint