Mom: So, you're just going to URGH URGH *insert derp elephant noise here* URGH URGH?
Me: *stares blankly at her with a smile* ...I'm sorry, I had to process what the hell that was. Wanna run that by me again?
Mom: Nah, I just realized how much of a doofus I sounded.
Me: Oh, no no! Please! I insist! *trying not to laugh*
Mom: *walks away*
Me: *bursts out laughing* DUN LEAVES MEH! XD
Yeah, that just happened maybe 10 minutes ago from typing this. Hey, it was funny to me. So, other than my internal train wreck of an emotional state, life's been doing ok. I will say it definitely sucks not waking up with her next beside me, but what can I do? Right? I think that's kind of the only thing that really, like, GETS ME. Like physically when I wake up, I feel like shit, my mind's fucking racing and a bunch of other stuff, but throughout the rest of the day I feel ok. I mean there's the occasional thought of "I wonder how she's doing and if she even thinks of me anymore" and blah blah that kind of swings by at least once a day. But, yeah. I'm doing better.... PHYSICALLY at least. My mentality is still pretty fucking shot. XD
I've been occupying myself a lot, so that I don't go into an introverted mental state all the time. Mainly, I've been on Twitter a lot. XD I'm fucking retweeting a god damn storm on that thing and I've actually met back up with a couple of friends on there that used to be here.
I've also picked up drawing again. Holy shit, am I fucking rusty. I guess that's what I get for stopping after a few years. I'm thinking about making it a more regular thing and I really want to become friends with some of my favorite artists, but it'll be a while for that to happen if anything. Oh well~
For the next three months, starting Monday, I'm going to be straining the fuck out of my body. Literally, I will be working out 6 days a week, eating a lot healthier and feel a hell of a lot better. My goal is to hit between 190 and 180 by the time I'm done. I'm just tired of being fat. Well, not like FAT, but you can definitely see the chubs when the shirt comes off. Also, there's a lot of clothes I wanna wear again. ;w;
Either today or tomorrow I'm going to go out and get my lip pierced. If not this weekend, then next weekend for sure. I've been wanting it pierced for years now and I've finally built up enough courage to just fucking get it over with. I'm thinking about getting a double ring on the left side. I thought about snake bites, but I was never one for symmetry. XD I might take a picture when it gets done, but most likely not.
Also, I might be getting a tattoo in the near future. One of my co-workers has a sleeve of anime girls (uncolored) and the lines were so damn clean. I've been thinking about getting characters on me, but I've been too worried about the lines not coming out right, or jagged, or etc.
I'm still planning on hitting AX up this summer, and possibly next summer as well. I have a group of friends over Xbox that I've talked to for 6 years now and I thought of the idea of us finally meeting as a group. I mean shit we all now what we look like, we know how we all act, we could practically be neighborhood friends or that type of sort. Everyone sounded as if they were on board which is awesome. But, were still trying to figure out where to meet. It'll most likely be E3, AX, Comicon, or something else. Don't know yet! That's still a years time from now. Lol
That's pretty much what I've been up to so yeah. OH! I forgot to mention that EoTE will most likely be put on hold for a while longer. I really want to start writing it, but I also want to get my life rolling again. So, yeah.
You know what's a pain in the ass? When you run across one of your exes and they go off on you, calling you a bitch, liar, disrespectful little fuck, etc. I'm just sitting here like bitch, you haven't even spoken to me in a long fucking time, what makes you have the right to make accusations about me? It's been fucking almost 10 years since we dated and you're still grungy as fuck with your matted hair and shit. Learn how to apply some fucking hygiene in your life. I'm surprised you still have all your teeth because you still look like you suck a lot of crusty old man dick! Does that sound harsh? Probably. But I'm not afraid to fucking speak my mind like I have been for the past few years. I've opened up A LOT more and I will fucking say shit to you no fucking problem. Don't fucking cross me because I can damage you mentally. Now, believe me when I say I've grown up and am a lot more respectable towards people and I have become a lot nicer, but if you're going to come at me sideways, you better hope to fucking god you can pucker up that asshole tight because I will rip it the fuck open.
The bystander guy in me is dead. And you better hope I don't find out that you're saying shit about me. Because if you're going be a chump and not say it to my face, then expect me to be in yours. Don't fuck with me, don't say shit about me, don't fucking even. That goes for anyone: friends, exes, friends of exes, ex friends, strangers, who the fuck ever. I'm fucking done with the bullshit that I STILL get. Got something to say, then say it to my face. Because I'd respect you a hell of a lot more if you man the hell up. Plus, I'd be a lot nicer about confronting you than you saying shit behind my back.
I was going through my phone to delete a lot of pictures, since I'll be switching phones very soon, and I stumble across the garden and tobasco pictures again. I completely forgot that I still had them. I should post them up on instagram, but they bring up so many memories... I don't know if I should. Maybe just a few? A couple of them made me laugh. Like the one where my ex is pulling on a giant tobasco bottle, and where we're making goofy faces, and the cat. That laughter quickly turned into sobbing.
It's been a while since I cried... everything just flooded back in and I felt like I was drowning... just remembering everything, what we had, what we were going to fix, our last goodbye... yeah, the relationship was problematic, there's no doubt about that, but what relationship isn't? There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. But you can work on it to become a better one... that's what was going to happen...
I wonder at times if she even still has my number... I doubt it, though, but I do still wonder. I still have hers, or at least what might still be hers. She could've changed it, I don't know. It's been almost 4 months since we last spoke? Something along that timeframe.
I do wonder if she really misses me, though. A part of me believes she does, where another part of me thinks I'm being a complete fucking idiot to believe such a stupid thing. I'm very conflicted in the mind these days.
I decided to keep the hamster. It'd be wrong to throw it out. I just sat it in my closet so I wouldn't see it.
I'm not going to lie, I miss being happy all the time. Don't get me wrong, I have days where I'm ok especially hanging out with friends irl and online, but... I just miss being HAPPY. You know? Like the happiness of coming home knowing someone is waiting for you or just being around someone that cares about you, wanting to know about your day and such... I mean I wasn't very good at explaining my days, but I still tried. Not my fault everyday was the same when it came to work...
Sorry, if I'm rambling into different topics or whatever. I just need to get a lot off of my chest. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things anymore. My ex was the person I generally went to about stress and things... even though I didn't really say much about what bothered me because I didn't want to be a burden. It sucks because I can feel myself becoming a complete introvert again. At least when it comes to emotions. I still go out with friends a lot more now, so I'm not cooped up in the house all the time anymore. There are some places I avoid going to because it brings up memories. Honestly, I have a bigger reason for wanting to move out of this state now... everything just reminds me of us here. Not that it's a bad thing, but it become mentally exhausting over time.
I'm still planning on hitting up AX this summer. Regardless of whether the people I'm meeting over there flake on me or not, I want to go for the experience. I haven't gone in a couple of years and it's a fun convention. So, yeah. Just working my physique in the process of waiting xD
I've lost a lot of weight over the past several months. Initially, I weighed 280 lbs. Now, I'm about 225 lbs! My goal is still to hit 180 by the end of the summer. But, I'm going to be doing some rigorous training throughout the next few months. I wouldn't mind getting my abs to show again xD One day~
Sorry if this post is sounding like a rollercoaster. That's just how my emotions are these days. I can't confide in my friends about this because they'd get tired of me going back and forth. So, yeah. Sorry...
I have news that has absolutely nothing to do with me! Crazy right?! I know, I know. Hold your gasps and astonished looks.
So, if you guys are relatively close to my age (26), you might remember a little show called Invader Zim. Well guess what I have to show you~
That's right! Zim and Gir are coming back to their original animated selves. Who's fucking excited? Well, I hope you guys are because I fucking am. This is definitely a good treat for me after just having shit going down.
There isn't a placeholder date yet, so we don't even know if it'll be put this year. But, it definitely is confirmed!
I hate the thoughts that run through my mind. Why I'm missed, why even care about me, how long have they been together, why couldn't you give me one last chance since I really wanted to prove myself, and a whole lot more. I'm happy for her that she found someone that makes her happy, but I still wish it was me. They're giving it a chance anyways I see. Eh... guess not everyone is meant happiness...
I'm probably going to get rid of the things she gave me. I'm sure she's done the same to get rid of the memories... maybe it'll help things be easier... fuck, if anything I still just want to be friends... but she just refuses to talk to me, as if I'm a fucking plague to her or something... I hate this...
I think I would feel better if I was just murdered here on the spot. It'd be cool if Jeff was an actual murderer. Come into my room and kill me, please. <3 Maybe that'll end my sorrows...