My grandmother's dog, Presley, was put down today... we're all sad about that. I feel bad for my grandmother... Presley was all she had left after my grandfather died. She also had Hydie, but Hydie was too much of a hassle to care for, so she was put up for adoption.
Presley was 14 years old so I wasn't expecting him to last too much longer. I got home to hear the news on my way inside. He suffered from a severe cough so my grandmother brought him to the vet. Apparently he had a collapsed trachea and it was like that for a while. Most likely started from the flood here back in August. The veterinarian gave her some medication for the coughing and a shot as well. The coughing got worse... and then he started drooling and fell asleep. So they put him under oxygen. After a while my grandmother was holding him and he woke up, gave two little barks and went straight into a seizure and then laid still... The vet told my grandmother they could revive him, but the next possible seizure will most likely be fatal. She said no and to put him down...
I could tell my grandmother wanted to cry when she told me this, but she kept strong. I feel horrible... to be honest I was expecting T-boy, my dog, to go first. He's 15 and looks like he's been on his last leg since last year. Another "family member" gone.
That's him on the left. Sorry for the quality of the picture it was the only one I had of him.
So, I think I know what's wrong and why I get so depressed. Well, obviously she was the love of my life so that's there. What I think it is, is when I try to think about other people (not necessarily people I know) I come to realize that what I had was what I wanted in a girlfriend even before I met her. Do you know how rare it is to accomplish that? It's so hard to find that kind of relationship. I mean yeah, you have dating sites to help you filter that out a little more easier, but Theo isn't a dating site. We met pretty much back in '10 not knowing what the other person was really like. And then we opened up and found out that we had a lot more in common than what was thought. And yes, I'm excluding the fighting because that was honestly something both sides could have fixed had we chosen it. You know that's true. The fighting would've been worked on had we stayed together, we both know that's what we were going to work on while being away from each other and when she came back in order to better ourselves for each other.
Anyways, then there's the random thoughts of her. Like I could be doing whatever and then either something just reminds me of her or it just pops in my head. To be honest, I do wonder if she thinks of me. Not like misses me or whatever, but like just have random thoughts and be like "oh that reminded me of Blake" or "oh yeah, Blake liked/hated that" or whatever. I wouldn't know since she doesn't talk to me. It'd be cool to have a sign or something, but that's asking too much.
I think what really sucks and makes me depressed the most is just not having her around. She would say after we broke up that I was just missing a body to sleep next to or a body to hug or whatever and I stress that that isn't the case. I've already had enough instances with friends and people to have conversations like today during work or these past 4 months to prove that isn't the case. I just miss HER. And yes that includes missing her sleeping next to me in bed or even in the car driving somewhere. And no I don't mean anything sexual by it. I miss her because even though we would argue at times, she was still really great company. Better company than even my friends. Now, I just feel alone... Not like "oh I don't have a girlfriend anymore" alone, but like she really was everything I had when it came to company since my friends are either dicks or rarely talk to me in the first place. So, I enjoyed her company a lot more. I enjoyed being around her a lot EXCLUDING when I'd walk away from an arguement. That's where it's different. She prefers to handle the arguement immediately, where I prefer to wait until everything is calmer or just not talk about it right then, which I get isn't exactly the best thing to do because then they think you're ignoring them and it just makes a mess. Believe me, I've been working on that and just accepting that the logical thing to do is to just finish it and grovel if you make a mistake. She was right about that, but I mean we're both pretty stubborn when it comes to being right. But like I said, I'm still working on that for myself.
I will say that I do hate the silence. Wanting to say "Hi" and not being able to is a severe burden and it does twist my stomach from time to time. Maybe one day she'll say something. I don't know... I guess I just have false hopes because I still care or something.
It's ok, little nekomimi. Reality isn't fun anyways. You're better off in your two dimensional world.
God damn it! Just when I was about to feel better about myself, just when I was certain things were going to be decently better, I get thrown back into my little corner of "joy"... I was going through my photos on my phone and deleting ones that I didn't care for anymore.... and there they were... photos of us... from our trip to the gardens down here and the concert we went to in Texas... fucking... god... damn it... I never gave her these photos and I have been meaning to... It's been pretty much 4 months now... and I was starting to forget her face because it's been so long... and then I had these photos, these memories... to remind me what she looked like... and what I had... it reminded me that we could have fun... it reminded me what I wanted after she came back... and then it strikes me again that she's gone... and the feelings... the loneliness, everything I thought that was finally starting to dissipate starts rushing back into me and now I feel as horrible as I did when we broke up... now I miss her so much and I wish she would talk to me and I want to cry and I just severely hate myself... I miss her so damn much... I can't take it... I really can't take the silence... I can't fucking do it.... I just wanted us to be better.... why did this have to happen?...
I don't know what to do with these pictures and videos anymore... I want to keep them and delete them... I want our relationship to have worked... I want her to talk to me again... is it really too much to ask for?... I really can't take it anymore...
I wish she had the same ideas and thoughts I have... just have that thought inside her head of what were to happen if we were still together or what were to happen if we tried working on our current bond... I've had those thoughts on and off very frequently these past few months... which is why I wish she would have let me try when we just broke up. I really felt I could have saved it... I really really felt that... you don't realize what you had until it's gone, so why wouldn't you try to work on getting that back?... why wouldn't you work on having what shows through these photos?...
I have been doing a lot more thinking while I was gone. I can't leave this place even if I wanted to. I've been here so long because it hasn't its own gravitational pull on me. I shouldn't leave because of all that's been going on. Fuck that shit then. This place is too awesome to let emotions take it away from me (even if it is pretty dead in several aspects). I'm not going to let this take me over. Yeah I wish someone would still talk to me on here, but that shouldn't be the only reason I come on here. So, I'm going to attempt to be more active on other things on this site and not let this shit bite me in the ass anymore.
I could totally work on art again since I do have a few unfinished pieces that I can be uploaded. I can continue working on my other worlds (gaming world will have to wait until I get a better PC. I've become more of a casual and made it more of a hobby anyways so I'm not in any rush for that.) I can still post music in my music world. If chat was still around I'd jump on that, but that'll most likely not happen anytime soon.
I'm not going to lie. I was in a very very dark place last week. I actually thought about leaving home just to get away from it all. It's not like it'd be the first time I tried running off or got kicked out, but those are different reasons that I will not get into. But yeah, all I could think of was leaving, and become completely anonymous to the world, excluding everyone and everything out of my life. I still feel like that. I don't have a rock anymore to help me with that, but fuck it, right? I'll work on myself to make myself feel better, or at least try to. For now, I'm going to just do things here because I shouldn't let my emotions take over this place from me.
So, I'm back with a mask to help show me off to this site. ^^