Sorry for the image, but I like to portray how I feel within these images. Like right now I feel like killing myself. I'm just so damn miserable all the time. I feel like half of me is gone after that day. And it feels severely empty... especially the car rides. God I fucking hate the car rides... they're so silent... it's not fun singing by yourself... especially songs you would both sing. I miss the wackiness that went back-and-forth. I miss the fun times, like going out and doing things or staying home and doing things there. I really miss going to the park and throwing a ball to each other. I really just HER. It just really sucks because we promised each other we would better ourselves for each other and ourselves. Unfortunately, during her time away I just had to get jealous. I admit it, I got super jealous which isn't like me to be that. Not like it matters now, she's most likely dating somebody else for me to even come close to thinking that maybe one day something may change. I've grown a lot more mature over these past several months, but it's not like she'll see that now...
Heh... I told you guys this happiness would only last so long...
Said I'm okay, but I know how to lie
You were all that I had
You were delicate and hard to find
Got lost in the back of my mind
And I could never get back
No, I never got back
Thank you for the birthday wishes yesterday through the portfolio and PMs! Yesterday went a lot smoother than I was anticipating. Like A LOT smoother. The skies were clear, it wasn't that cold, work didn't suck and a lot of people over Facebook, here and over the phone wished me a happy birthday and an awesome day. Fuck it, YESTERDAY WAS FUCKING AWESOME AND REALLY NEEDED. I was genuinely happy all day. Not because it was my birthday, but because it showed me that there are still people here that care a lot about me, even if I've only see a selected few maybe twice a year. It's been a long time since I was happy. And I know this happiness won't last long since it is due to ayearly event, but I can say it was worth it.
Thanks, everyone. :)
Work actually sucked today, but the rest of the day has been pretty good.
So, I was standing in line at Gameware, a local game store, today and there was a little girl in front of me with her dad. She was probably about four or five and he was about my age. This little girl kept staring at my arms while I was looking off into space thinking about whether I wanted to grab food on the way home or cook. Then I heard her say to her dad "Daddy, that man has a lot of scars on his arms. Is he a thug?" which I then tried my best not to laugh. The guy apologized to me and I told him it wasn't a big deal. I didn't realize that the sunlight protruding through the windows was illuminating them. I looked down at the girl and this is what I told her. "I got these scars because I hurt someone I cared about a lot in my life."
She said to me, "So, you ARE a thug." I couldn't but cry out in laughter. She was so adorable and it was funny.
"No, I'm not a thug. I hurt them emotionally." I told her. "I said some bad things that they didn't like and I regret ever doing so." She asked me what "regret" meant and I told her in the simplest way I could. "Regret is when you have done something and later you didn't like it. You see it as a bad thing and you wish you never did it in the beginning."
"Oh! I have a regret, too!" she told me. I asked her what that was and she said she regretted taking her medication because it tasted bad. I guess in a way that is a decent example. XD
The dad was done getting his stuff and told her to come along. She said that she will pray for my scars to heal to where they don't exist anymore. I told her thank you and that they're already feeling a lot better, to which she smiled and left.
That little encounter made me feel pretty good. These scars will heal over time, just like the scars carved across my emotional status created by others and myself. But, it made me wonder what it would've been like if things weren't problematic. That's what I wanted to achieve near the end; a better life where there wasn't all that fighting and arguing all the time. That's what I tried to achieve, but then shit hit the fan and... well, yeah. I don't think there's anything I can do now about it. I'm not ruling it out either because the future is an empty canvas filled with infinite possibilities. But enough of that. It's time to jump online and play with some buddies of mine.
Things will get better eventually.
Hey, everyone. First and foremost, I would like to apologize that I haven't been getting any updates or working on embers of the eccentric for quite some time now. I've been having a lot of personal issues in my life aside from being depressed. Unfortunately, my grandmother might have cancer and on the same day that I found that out one of my good friends ended up in the hospital. As far as I'm aware she's doing better. Her fiancé is still freaking out though, but can you really blame him? I'm there making sure they both are ok, but I'm not going to get into detail on what happened. It's creating a lot of stress on me right now which is blocking my creativity on my ideas for this story. There's just so much going on and then these two things are just making it worse, but I'm still trying to get this thing out. There should be a summary soon and I've changed up the idea a little bit. I haven't done anything else with the characters besides the outlines and I'm still fumbling around with names, but Jet and Ayu might stick.
As for me, I'm doing ok... Just stressed... you know, typical Shayde shit. Next week I'll be turning 26. Yay. *rolls eyes* so I gotta jump on that insurance shit. I still think it's retarded that you can get fined for not having insurance. Guess the government has to figure out a way to get money out of your ass somehow.
I've been looking at possibly moving within the next eight months or so. I might be getting another roommate that will join me, but he's pretty chill. We're both going to hit the road and move out of state. Still figuring places out, but it's come down to Los Angeles, Atlanta, Asheville, and Jacksonville.
I've also been looking into getting a new car fairly soon. There is a few I've been looking at but I most likely may be getting an FRS. It's nothing fantastic, but it's definitely an upgrade compared to what I have right now. It's either that, or keeping my current car and getting a bike because owning an R6 sounds really nice.
I know what you're thinking. "Is the story about vampires?" That is debatable for one of the two characters. I'm going to leave it at that.
I just found out my grandmother might have cancer... another one? Really?.. This just fucking blows... I've already lost my grandfather to cancer almost exactly two years ago, my girlfriend is gone and no longer my girlfriend, and now I have to deal with ANOTHER personal issue... how many more people that I care about are going to leave my life? It's only been TWO. FUCKING. YEARS. And I might be losing another one.
What sucks is I have no one to fucking lean on about this anymore... so I can't vent to anyone, I can't express my emotions. No, I have to be a big person, act completely stoic about this whole fiasco, and be calm. I mean come on! I already hold in like 95% of my feelings from reality, what's another, tch ooohh i don't know, WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY MEMBER?
I can't do this anymore... I feel I just shouldn't be happy. Especially after my girlfriend left, it's been getting. Worse. Lost grandfather, wasn't happy, lost girlfriend, wasn't happy, finds out grandmother has cancer, NOT FUCKING HAPPY. I hate this.............. so... god damn... much... If I had someone to talk to about this, it'd be much easier in me. Yeah, the stress will be there, but at least I won't be holding it in.... I'm tired of crying... about everything... why does this shit have to happen?...