Chapter 21-
I knew I didn’t have time. They’d be after me any second. I couldn’t think straight. My mind ached in agonizing pain as if someone was drilling into the side of my skull. The word ‘alive’ kept ringing through my head and I feared I would break down at any moment. But at the same time I felt strangely stronger than I had in a while. My legs carried me down the dark hallways with ease, turning down each corner.
My hand trembled as I reached for the knife at my side. Arriving at my destination I took a deep breath and looked at the dull, gray, metal door before me. Grabbing the handle I opened it and stepped into the room, silently. All my years of stealthily making my way past Peacekeepers had really paid off. My footsteps were silent as was my breathing. I realized that was because I was holding my breath. Exhaling I curled my finger then again took a deep breath. Pulling the knife out of my belt I held it at the ready as I came around the side of the curtain.
Katniss laid in her bed, half asleep from what I could see. I made my way around to the side of her bed so that I had a good view of the door in case anyone came in. I could hear loud footsteps heading my way. I raised the knife as Katniss noticed my presence. She rubbed her eyes and blinked several times. I recognized Finnick and Elroy’s shouting, more footsteps. Katniss looked up at me, surprised but not afraid. I looked at Katniss. Tears were welling to the brim of my eyes.
“If it was you, what would you do?” I asked noticing the TVs remote close to her. I knew she saw everything. Without hesitation she sat up and replied. “I’d kill you.” I held her gaze. The door flew open. From the corner of my eye I saw Elroy at the door with Finnick, Gale, Haymitch and Plutarch. My grip on the blade tightened and I clenched my teeth. “Sky,” Elroy whispered softly. I heard Gale speak, most likely threatening me, but I wasn’t paying attention.
“I guess you’re lucky Im nothing like you then.” And I let the knife fall from my hand. It clattered onto the ground and I smiled extended my hand out to her. “I made a promise to you didn’t I?” She looked at me amazed. “You had no intention of killing me,” she stated. I gave her a single slow nod. She extended her hand from under the covers and dropped her own knife, making me smirk then chuckle softly.
She reached out and took my hand. Elroy and Finnick instantly let their guard down but Gale practically ran over to Katniss’ side. I bent down carefully and picked up the knife. I retracted my hand when I felt the pain in my palm. In my hazy state I had failed to pay attention and my hand had grazed the blade. I picked up the knife putting it at my belt and stood up. My attention was completely immersed on my bleeding hand as the palm swelled with the dark liquid. Finnick came to my side with bandages that he had seemed to get from a drawer on Katniss’ nightstand. He reached for my hand and I let him bandage it.
“What are you going to do?” Katniss asked. I watched Finnick carefully and noticed a sad look on his face. He didn’t know about Scott being alive, unlike the others. I bit my bottom lip a bit. The overwhelming urge to cry suddenly overcame me. “Nothing,” I whispered. I could practically hear everything stop. Even Finnick paused, slowly looking up at me with teary eyes. I couldn’t bare his gaze so I tore mine away.
I pulled my hand away from Finnick and finished bandaging it up myself, finishing with a tight knot. “Nothing?” Katniss asked and I could sense the worry in her voice. I was a bit honored to think she cared about me. Finishing the knot I turned towards her. “Scott’s dead. The rebellion continues,” my voice sounded cold even to me.
Without another word I turned towards the door. I walked to it effortlessly. Nobody attempted to stop me. My shoulder slammed into Elroy’s arm and I didn’t bother turning but neither did he. He stared at the wall ahead of him silently. I walked to the door, throwing it open and walking out. I managed to make my way to the apartment and as soon as I closed the door behind me I lost any speck of control I had left.
Tears streamed down my eyes and I found myself violently hitting the wall before grabbing a nearby glass vase and throwing it across the room, watching, in pain, as it shattered. It wasn’t fair. Falling to my knees I cried harder than I had ever cried in my life.
I used to wonder sometimes if the Almighty had specifically chosen individuals among his people and blessed them with good fortune, meanwhile forcing the rest of his people into slums, poverty and disease. Maybe I had done something wrong and this was his punishment for me. What use did he have for a pathetic creation like me? It was best for me to just suffer to make up for the trouble Id caused him. This was what I deserved after all. I was a wicked person. Any evil and hardship he wanted for me I deserved.
But I didn’t understand why Scott deserved it. Why did he have to suffer as well? He was honest and kind and loving and everything I could have ever wished to be. So why was it that he had to endure such pain? Why wasn’t he chosen to be among the blessed?
More tears and trembling followed by the second. Life was cruel. It pushed and pushed until you were on the ground and even when you were there it kicked you in the side and tugged at the strings of your heart until it completely ripped it out of your chest, teasing and taunting you along the way.
My body finally gave out and dropped me onto the ground. Crying silently I buried my face in my elbow. Why did life intentionally put people into our lives just to take them back? It was like presenting a child with a beautiful gift. Then after watching their face light up as they fall in love with it, rip it out of their hands and laughing before destroying it right before them. Maybe I was just destined to be that child, repeatedly falling for the same trap over and over again.
I heard soft footsteps from where I laid on my side, my face still buried in my elbow. I didn’t know someone could cry so much. I didn’t know pain like this existed. Thinking somebody you love is gone forever is painfully but finding out they’re still alive and just out of grasp, suffering because of you is the worst feeling in the world. The darkness in the apartment suddenly seemed to make everything worse, more painful. I heard the footsteps approach me and peeking a bit I saw two black boots then knees bend beside me.
I was scooped off the ground but I refused to open my eyes fully. I just cried harder. Elroy held me to his chest and stood to his feet, heading for the bed. Still holding me he shifted one of his hands and I knew he was pulling the covers back. He gently laid me onto the bed, removed my shoes and the knife at my belt, and then pulled the covers up. I opened my eyes suddenly to catch him reaching for my face. He swept hair from my face and without a word wiped my cheeks dry with his thumb. The look on his face was impossible to read but I saw some regret and guilt.
He glanced at me briefly, his hand resting on my cheek. He pulled it away suddenly leaving a warm, tingly feeling where he had touched me. Then tearing his eyes away from mine after only a second he turned his back to me. It’s best if he hated me as well and just left me all together. I would only put his life in danger as well. It seemed I was cursed to lose everyone I cared about. The thing is I’m not sure my heart could bare losing Elroy as well and I didn’t want him to leave me either.
I impulsively reached for him, grabbing his forearm. He paused but didn’t turn to me. I knew I had hurt him when I had said I hated him and I regretted it more than anything because the truth was I could never hate Elroy. I had just hoped that those words would save him.
“I-I didn’t mean it,” I whispered helplessly as I slowly sat up. He turned to me slowly with tears in his eyes making my heart ache even more. “I could never hate you. No matter what, Elroy, I’ll never hate you,” my voice cracked again and the tears returned, “So please don’t hate me. Please, Elroy.”
A couple of tears spilled from his eyes and I couldn’t understand the emotions his eyes screamed at me. But I did notice vulnerability hiding deep in his blue eyes. In a matter of seconds Elroy was leaning over me, one knee on my bed as he stared me in the eye. He hand reached out and gently held the back of my neck. My breath caught in my throat and then my lips were pressed to his. He reached his other hand out to me and gently placed it on my cheek, tugging me closer with the hand he already had on my neck. His lips engulfed me in heat yet also comfort somehow.
Although forceful his kiss was also passionate and full of love. As he leaned closer to me I was forced to lean back. Part of me screamed it wasn’t right but a stronger part of me reached out to Elroy and held him tightly, my fingers inched towards his hair and soon were tangled in his soft, light brown locks. He had leaned over me entirely now and my back was pressed to the bed and my chest was pressed to his.
As suddenly as the kiss became more rough and hungry he pulled away. Tears were streaming down his face now. “I love you,” he whispered, his lip trembling. “But I know that you will never be mine. I’m so sorry.” He kissed my forehead then got to his feet, walking away, leaving me in a confused haze, only to cry again.
But Elroy had just helped me realize something. The reason I was so upset wasn’t only because Scott was alive and because I had caused him suffering. Part of me had gotten over losing him, had moved on. And that same part of me had forgotten him. That part fell in love with Elroy.
And lying there thinking this through as I cried I realized that that part of me was stronger than I wanted to recognize. It was this part that made me now feel horrible, like a heartless traitor.
That part of me had abandoned Scott and chosen Elroy.
That part had won.
