Well, here I am. People who know me love me whether they like it or not. It's a burden since I dislike most people. You can find My actual Life HERE. I have many fandoms, and many likes but I have yet to find passion in a pasttime. You are welcome as long as you behave.
I figure as long as STAN can live here, I can too. Here's round two.
I don't actually have a post, I just wanted to say that.
the song "you could be happy" by snow patrol played on my pandora station a while ago. it annoys me how songs are so relatable. stupid empathy.
LYRICS
YOU COULD BE HAPPY
You could be happy
And I won't know
But you weren't happy
The day I watched you go
And all the things
That I wished I had not said
Are played on loops
Till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you
How we were
But not our last days of silence
Screaming, blur
Most of what I remember
Makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking
Out the door
You could be happy
I hope you are
You made me happier
Than I'd been by far
Somehow everything
I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment
It's all not true
Do the things
That you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back
Don't think, just do
More than anything
I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite
Out of the whole world
the part of the song that kills me is the sixth verse where is talks about smells like you. it's perfect, but the last 3 verses just twist my personal knife. i need to stop it. he left a year ago, and i limped along for a year. sure, it was hard and i had troubles, but as i asked before, WHY AM I SUDDENLY A BASKETCASE ABOUT IT? christ, what the fuck. i wonder why something in my psyche snapped and demanded that i must either try again or at least get answers to all the questions i have never had answered. what switch flipped and why did i go crazier, and why is it getting to the level of obsession all of the sudden. i am actually not at all happy about the ridiculous and suddenly brutal confrontation to jordan. true, i'm feeling better since i did it, but i'm not comfortable with the level of compulsion i am feeling. it's almost like it's out of my hands. which one of you is controlling my subliminally? come on, you can tell me. if its you, please subliminally tell me to calm the fuck down. thanks!
I'm an evil, heinous, horrible person. I accept this about myself. I feel the need to not be crazy anymore, so I sent jordan a novel of text messages. I'm gonna post them here. I finally let the truth take hold and just went balls to the wall, holding nothing back about my theories as to why he left and how horribly he has treated me. I think he stopped reading them after the first one. It was really mean, but I don't care.
ME--
It sucks that you can run all over the city and be fun, but for the last 4 years we were together, you wouldn't leave the house. I don't understand you.
Jordan--
Don't try and make me feel guilty about having friends.
Me--
I don't care that you have friends, I'm trying to make the point that you're hurtful and neglectful. I wanted to share those friends with you, remember? Maybe not these specific ones, but you never invite me, and rather than introduce to me to people or have fun with me along you completely shut down and became a hermit, and I wonder if its due p the fact that you were ashamed of me, or thought that I wasn't the right kind of person for your friends or just not cool enough for them. It seems You became a shut in because you wanted nothing to do with my life, and didn't want me involved in yours.
Jordan--
No response
Me--
That one of the reasons what has happened hurts so much for me. You are the same person! You are the one I love. And somehow, without knowing it, I stifle and kill you inside to the point that you can't be with me. But instead of telling me, you lived in misery for years, evidentally, until I became miserable too from not being able to stop you from being miserable. Then you leave, no explanation, still to this day, no attempt at reconciliation, no you're an anvil around my neck and you make me want to die. Just I'm sorry. I'll see you later, and then you leave me behind like an old coffeetable in the old house while you move to the new. You made me love you, and that is the most heinous, hateful thing that has ever been done to me. You probably stopped reading the messages after the mean one, and that's okay. I'm not yesterday's newspaper, I'm your wife. The person you invited to share your life and then you shut me out of it.
Jordan--
NO RESPONSE
Me--
I'm not sure why this is so important to me at this moment in my life. But I'm getting worse, and I can do nothing at this point but be honest. You're callous.
Jordan--
NO RESPONSE
He's probably too busy being out with said friends to read what turned into a barrage of info. I typed until it stopped me, sent and then typed some more. It probably was delivered as like 15 texts. At this point, I don't care if I'm seen as crazy, I guess. I've had enough
EDIT--- I straight up requested a response a few hours later. The response I got was my rant is justified but that doesn't mean he has to like it. He didn't ignore them like I feared and he doesn't know what to say. Awesome. The government can neither confirm or deny the existence of American spies in the world. FUCK
I pick crazy and happy, I guess. Oh, wait...
I talked to my parents tonight. I am now and will forever be grateful that God bestowed me to these beautiful, wonderful people. Were it not for them, I would be a junky out on the street. They will make my rent payment in december, and I can stay in my house until then. So, during the next month and a half, I get to decided what I need and what goes in storage and move bit by bit to my parents house in a city an hour away where I know no one. But my dogs get to come, and I don't have to quit my awful job. I can go to school and work and then make some money and try and pay them back, which I know already they won't let me do. It will also allow me to get some savings back and pay down my credit cards.
Jordan thinks it's a great idea. Maybe due to it taking some of the guilt of my financial and emotional state are mostly his doing. Whatever. Why have I turned into a fucking basketcase? Again, Whatever.
Thank you all for being supportive. I love this community, even if I don't pay enough attention to it.
One of the things I'm not excited about? Leaving my neighborhood. I love my next door neighbors, and I live on a nice, quiet street. I have 3/4 of an acre in the fucking city, easy access to the major highways. I'm pretty comfortable in this house too. All my stuff fits in it. I know this decision is for the best, but I'm not happy about it, and there are cons.
I didn't work at all this week, well I worked 1.34 days. my paycheck is going to be ridiculously small, especially since I'm still behind on some things. Stuff builds up so quickly, and once one thing is taken care of, something else goes to shit and throws everything out of whack again...
I have a fully furnished 2 bedrooms and a den, not to mention 2 living room sets, the kitchen and my washer/dryer. none of that stuff is going to be able to go into my parents house, which is also a fully furnished 2 bedrooms and a den. I like my stuff, that why I have it. I guess I'll learn to live without it for a bit.
Blair and I are going to talk to the Junior college tomorrow. That is a good thing. Shit will come together, it'll be okay. I just need to suck it up, and stop looking for the negatives in a good thing.
Because I picture myself a wretched human being, I am feeling the need to share with my friends here the actual correspondence having taken place between myself and my spouse over the last few days.
ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS THIS RATED R FOR LANGUAGE
Molly November 11 at 1:23am
My anxiety is getting worse, as is my crazy and my depression. You might have noticed. I miss you a lot. More than I let myself know sometimes, and while I had no dillusions about happily, I expected you to be my ever after. Which is also still my desperate hope. I wish you hadn't so solidly given up on us. I miss you. I am still not opposed to casually seeing you, or dating, if you will.
On to the text I was selishly going to inflict on you. I am not all that excited that Miriam is back in your circle of vision. I only met her once, and that was without you. I just always felt by the tone of the stories you would tell me that, had I not been in the way, she would have made more of a move for you. Perhaps she did and you didn't tell me, perhaps I'm paranoid. Well, there's no perhaps about the last one.
I've always been kind of intimidated by the idea of her. Perhaps that stems from the fact that you were hanging out with her for a couple of weeks before you ever mentioned her when the two of you met. Even when we were together, and I was actively your spouse, I did not have a right to say who you could or couldn't hang out with. That's not what I'm trying to do now, either. I am just in a place of zero self esteem at the moment and I am reliving my ever present fear of replacement and being forgettable.
I really hate that our circle of friends never intersect. I'm also not wild that your ring is broken. I secretly thought several times about getting you another. Even though you are in a different house and we don't talk often, we are still married. I'll be married to you for 100 years even if you don't live in my house, my city, or my state. But if that's the case, marriage is still something I would expect to be respected, and if you did, or do, want to see someone else, end us first. I'm babbling, which is one of the reasons I never got around to sending the text.
I'm not cut out to be friends with you. I try really hard. As I told you before, I knew from two weeks after I met you that I wanted to spend my life with you. I adore every part of you. You make me laugh, you know more about me than anyone on the face of the earth. I still want to share every part of my life with you, and I want to know what's going on in your life as well. I don't want to be a crazy ex. I really try hard not to. I miss sitting next to you though, snuggled up against you, and I miss kissing you. You're rather good at it, you know.
I'm pretty sure that any attempt I was making at not being the "crazy" is being shattered by this note. Somehow I'm not sorry I wrote it. I love you, and I have from the day I met you. Damn you for that.
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Husband November 11 at 6:02pm
i dont really know how to respond to this.
I dont really know how to respond to anything.
I hesitated to mention that i was hanging out with miriam again for (i think) obvious reasons (im not entirely sure why i mentioned it at all, honestly, except that i hate to lie). I know youve never been cool with her (and lord knows i wasnt cool with her for a long time), and she did have a thing for me before, though not now. I was never interested in her as anything more than a friend and someone to hang out with, then or now. Im not interested in seeing anyone, but it is nice to have friends, even shallow ones.
I'm so sorry that ive hurt you so deeply. I try to do right by you (as right as i can), but im not sure if i make things better or worse and I cant be the thing you need. I worry about you.
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Molly November 11 at 11:06pm
The fact that you weren't going to tell me is hurtful while her reappearance is merely an annoyance. It also is an example of my thoughts that you are leaving me out, cutting me out, and that you were being cryptic in your text about hanging out with "some people." You did that shit while we were together too. you kept me at arm's length and never allowed me to be a part of you. You may love (or have loved) me, but you weren't ready to share yourself or your life. You never gave us a chance before you gave up on me.
What do you mean by you try to do right by me? I'm not being accusatory, the remark confuses me. I hope above hopes it doesn't mean that you are being nice to me or hanging out with me out of a sense of honour or necessity. I want you to like to spend time with me.
I really wish I hadn't lost my first version of this reply. It was rather witty. But I lost it and I can't remember enough of it to piece it back together.
I was somewhat unreasonably harsh earlier as I was texting you, and for that I apologize. It's not that it isn't true, but my delivery was deliberately mean.
You're worry for me, while noteworthy, is laughable because you do nothing to show it or to address it. Frankly, I am worried about me too. How are you so collected? How are you so unaffected? It hurts to see that your life exists so easily without me. I am a selfish person, I know that about myself. I am also used to getting what I want, even if I work for it, I'm still spoiled. Neither of these is the point, nor are they the reason you are important to me. You loved me, and you made me feel loved. You asked me to marry you, and you stood with me and vowed that we would spend our lives together.
You loved me, I know you did. And you will "always care for me." If you don't love me, caring about me just seems so demeaning. I feel like it is pity rather than actual feelings, though I hope that is not true. I think the last year has been more full of "hope" for me than ever before. False though it may be.
I am so hurt and I am so angry, yet I cannot hate you or even dislike you. I love you, and it's not fair that my feelings, my opinions and the effort gets no consideration in the decision. How do you get to make a unilateral decision like that? You say you can't be the thing I need. What is it you think I need? I don't need a bread winner, I don't NEED much. I need you to love me and to show me some fucking affection. If you can't love me, then you should have realized that long ago, and fuck you for taking me along on that ride. You keep saying you're sorry, but sorry doesn't fill the parts of me that are missing because I gave them to you.
I am not afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being without you. You sell yourself short. You are the most important person or thing to ever enter my life. It's not meant to be a burden or give you pressure. I don't want you to be miserable, I want good things for you and for you to be happy. I want to be part of that happiness, as I said, I'm a selfish girl---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To which I have yet to get a response because he doesn't have internet. I hate everything and I am going to go live with penguins in antarctica
