I get asked a lot what does it feel like to kill someone, and my answer never changes, I don’t know how I'm supposed to feel. I always say I was specially conditioned, so I decided to elaborate on that while including a life story. When I was 7 years old was the first time I was forced to take someone's life. My heart shattered into little pieces that day, while I cried everyone thought because my family was rich they would just hire therapists and I be fine. I hated those people and to this day I still do. They were far from right, I was anything but fine. My mom and dad where never around, even after this happened making money was still more important to them. A few months later after everything settled down I had just turned 8 and began to train with a handgun, it was a P99.,I also got a personal tutor to learn learn Filipino Kali from. I would practice all day, in the heat, in the pouring rain everyday getting better and growing progressively more sociopolitical. I decided back then that I would never be that scared or weak again, because if life was to be hell, then I would become the devil. For the next 10 years I trained on several different weapons systems, one of the perks of being the adopted son of a security contracting firm owner. To this day the total number is over 90 different firearms including assault rifles, shotguns,, light machine guns, sidearms(pistols), sniper rifles, and sub-machine guns.
As far as school went I had a personal tutor and by the 9th grade I was taking mathematical and biological physics the highest forms of math and science available in high school. Both were necessary to improve my probability and angle of impact while practicing with the sniper rifles. So by the 10th grade I had nothing left to learn and was awarded a diploma. Friends was a bit of a subject to, my only friends where the kids I grew up with in my neighborhood including shimuzaki. The other kids from my old school were afraid of me ever since I killed the guy. So my life long friends were the only friends I had.
When I turned 18 I signed up for the US army, I made it in no problem after all I spent the past 10 years training for special forces. It was easy to get through basic getting through ranger school was challenging, but it was not my main goal, I trained for those years with some of the guys at the company who were ex-SFOD-DELTA operators. That's what I wanted to be, I was a little disappointed when I found out you had to 22 to even get into delta selection. But the rangers are still special forces, I was still special forces. I don't regret for even a minute joining at 18 and becoming a ranger, even though it meant I couldn't even try out for delta for another 3 ½ years. I loved my job, it was the first thing I truly did love besides my uncle and aunt who adopted me. No sooner that graduating ranger school I was put into Task Force Green, in the hunt for Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi the leader of Al-Qaeda in Iraq and more of a threat to the stabilization of Iraq than Bin Laden himself. War was different from life, it was supposed to be hell, and for once everything made sense. I wasn't scared, I was thrilled, knowing that every door I went through could be rigged with an improvised explosive or have an armed insurgent behind it. I didn't want to die per say. I wanted to snatch victory from the jaws of death. That is why I volunteered for all suicide missions, I was fascinated with death. I was filled with so much anger and sorrow I didn't care whether I lived or died. The presence of eminent death filled me with clarity and purpose.
It got worse on a future mission, where I was captured trying to rescue some pow's, long story short since I already made a post long ago, I was interrogated, tortured, and they wanted to put me one of their home videos where they give me a new smile in my neck at the end after I “warn” the US to leave. Maybe they should have done their homework, rangers never leave a man behind. Their hospitality was dually noted, and I gave them some of my own by killing almost half of them starting with the interrogator, one because he cut my face up like a thanksgiving turkey, and second he was carrying my sidearm and entrenching tool as a way of taunting me. After that I woke up in the hospital with a new face, since they had to remove my old one. I took that room apart when I found out a few days later, no one told me because they knew how I was going to react and they were right, I was pissed. I felt like someone stole my identity, all the damage I did to the room and equipment came up to like 75,000 dollars. The last thing I did, I smashed my head against the mirror to break it, then I started bleeding from my face, and I calmed way down, because as long as I could bleed I could still fight. Calmed down may be a stretch I stopped destroying the room, but I was bad to begin with, after that I got a lot worse. I have to give credit where credit is do, Al-Qaeda shown me what I thought I knew already, but this was not the case. I thought I knew pain, and how to torture someone, they showed me the proper way to do it, and re-defined the meaning of the word pain for me. I've been returning the favor ever since.
Then they day came that I got the mission that changed my life forever, we were to bring down a suspected prostitution ring. If you read the post I made when I first got back on you know what happened. When I went into that room and saw her sitting on the bed with that soldier in the room I lost it, I threw him out of the room and just started hitting him in the face over and over. I remember shattering is face and is bone that shaped his nostrils broke through the skin and stabbed me in the hand when I swung, but I didn't care I just kept swinging, for once in the little over 3 years I was in the army I shown some emotion, and it was rage. She was scared, scared of what was going to happen scared like me 14 years ago when I had shoot that man trying to rob me and my brother. The look of fear on her face pushed me over the edge. I was taken off the mission, so I took the girl, since I was the only one who spoke Chinese on the team. I found out that her parents were killed by gangsters because of her dad's gambling problems,and she was going to be sold as a slave. I had my uncle help me go through the legal channels to adopt her and make her a US citizen. Since I was still on active duty.
A year later my dream was a reality, I went through delta selection and passed I was teir 1 finally the highest grade of special forces, black ops. This cut greatly into my personal life, A few months later I was talking to Mei and told her I was sorry for not being there for her birthday she smiled and said it was ok. But it was the hardest thing Ive ever endured here smile was a mask for her pain, just like mine for all those years, a fake smile to hide a broken heart. I hugged her and told her I was sorry for not being the best dad in the world. She looked at me crying and said she didn't want the best daddy in the world, she just wanted me to be her daddy. And for the first time I was crying to the armor I made was shattered by her. I didn't need to shield myself all I needed was her to be happy.
Of course I didn't learn anything, after all I am a crazy idiot XD. I was on another operation we were infiltrating from a helicopter to carry out a kill or capture order on a ranking member of Al-Qaeda. When something that was just unbelievable bad luck happened, while I was fast roping to the ground, a sentry started his patrol and spotted us. I was a little over half way down when the helo to evasive action to dodge rpg fire. I fell almost 35 feet straight down and fractured 6 of my thoracic vertebral columns in my spine, of course the fall would have killed if I was just regular strength, but I was army strong biotches lol, but seriously my body armor saved my life. I drew my sidearm and shot anything that got close. I was out of the game for 6 weeks though. I heard the mission was considered a failure and they just called in an airstrike to take out the target. Since I was only 1 of 4 delta operators there with members of the 75th and 82nd airborne and the 4 of us and the top brass were the only ones who knew it at the time, the failure wasn't reflected on delta. The end result was I could stand up all the way straight anymore, I lean to the left a bit, and I have some nerve damage in my hands, but nothing some practice couldn't get around.
While in delta my mother passed away and I didn't even know it because I didn't get back from deployment until 3 weeks after her funeral. When I got back I found out that Mei, my Uncle, and some of her co-workers were the only ones who attended, My real parents had a separate funeral, because my real dad couldn't set his dislike of my Uncle aside even for that. I ripped him apart over the phone, I told him exactly what I thought of him all these years and I still don't feel bad for doing it, that was the last time we talked, and that was almost 2 years ago. After that I had one more near death mission as I lied there banged up thinking about what an a**hole I was being to her, I was no different than my real father always putting my job before her. It was there that I decided I wasn't going to be like him, after that mission I resigned from the Army. In the 6 1/2 years I was in the army I took part in over 40 missions, add the missions I have preformed in the PMC and my total is just under 60 missions and counting(I cant give the actual total since it could be used to narrow a search through DOD records for my identity).
we went down to the firing range and got a grenade, took a drill and removed the explosive charge, left the firing pin in so it looked legit like it was still hot....then we took it up to R&D pulled the pin out released the safety handle and threw it under a guys desk who was sitting in his cubical.
he had no idea we to the shape charge out so he thought it was going to explode, to make sure he took it seriously, we threw the grenade in and ran down the hall. He jumped out of his chair, fell on the ground, and started to crawl out.
My uncle was pissed, I thought he was going to beat us to death for that stunt, especially since we couldn't stop laughing at the guy, while he was yelling at us. We are terrible people, maybe not as bad as hollywood mercenaries, but we are still mean spirited people none the less lol.
•I am a cuddler. ( I am very affectionate with my daughter)
•I am a morning person.
•I am an only child. (Might as well be, my family disowned me)
•I am currently in my pajamas.
•I am currently pregnant.
•I am left handed.
•I am a little shy around the opposite gender
•I bite my nails.
•I can be paranoid at times.
•I enjoy country music.
•I enjoy smoothies.
•I enjoy talking on the phone.
•I have a car.
•I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.
•I have a hidden talent. (I seem to be very talented at making money and killing)
•I have a pet. (3 dogs)
•I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl.
•I have all my grandparents.
•I have been to another country.
•I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor. (The proper term is uncalled for in my case -w-)
•I have or had broken a bone.
•I have caller I.D. on my phone.
•I have bathed someone.
•I have changed a diaper.
•I have changed a lot over the past year.
•I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
•I have had major/minor surgery.
•I have killed another person.
•I have had my hair cut within the last week.
•I have mood swings.
•I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
•I have rejected someone before.
•I like the taste of blood.
•I love Michael Jackson.
•I love sleeping.
•I love to shop.
•I own 100 CDs or more.
•I own and use a library card.
•I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
•I sleep a lot during the day.
•I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
•I work at a job that I enjoy. (I dont see a point in doing something you dont enjoy)
•I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. ( I had plastic surgery before and it was none of the above)
•I am wearing socks.
•I am tired.
•I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt. (
•I consume at least one alcoholic drink every month. (I don't drink period)
I have/had:
•Finished college.
•Smoked cigarettes.
•Ridden every ride at an amusement park.
•Collected something really stupid.
•Gone to a concert.
•Helped someone.
•Spun turn tables.
•Watched four movies in one night.
•Been broken up with.
•Taken a college level course. (I went to college for a year for game design, and I got a master's degree in zoology)
•Been in a car accident.
•Been in a tornado.
•Watched someone die. (A lot of people)
•Been to a funeral.
•Burned yourself.
•Ran a marathon.
•Your parents got divorced.
•Cried yourself to sleep.
•Spent over $200 in one day.
•Cheated on someone. (under special circumstances)
•Been cheated on.
•Written a 10 page letter.
•Had a best friend.
•Lost someone you loved.
•Skipped school.
•Gotten in trouble for something you didn’t do.
•Stolen books from the library.
•Been in a mental hospital.
•Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
•Fired a gun.
•Been in a school play.
•Been fired from a job.
•Taken a lie detector test.
•Swam with dolphins.
•Attempted suicide.
•Written poetry.
•Read more than 20 books a year.
•Gone to Europe.
•Loved someone you couldn’t have.
•Used a colouring book over age 12.
•Had surgery.
•Had stitches.
•Taken a taxi.
•Had more than 5 online conversations going at once.
•Had a hamster.
•Dyed your hair.
•Had something pierced.
•Gotten straight A’s.
•Your parents sent you to a shrink.
•Been handcuffed.
My hair is naturally the color:
•Light brown
•Medium brown
•Dark brown
•Blonde
•Black
•Dirty blonde
•Strawberry blonde
•Multicoloured
My eyes are:
•Brown
•Blue
•Green
•Hazel
•Light brown
•A combination of things
•Ice Blue
•Grey
People sometimes label me as:
•Slut
•Girly
•Ugly
•Nerd
•Other
Some of my biggest fears are:
•Spiders/other insects
•Dying
•Doctor/Dentist appointments
•Hospitals
•Needles (Syringed needles)
•Disease
•Being alone in the dark
•Heights
•Small spaces
•Oceans/large bodies of water
•Holes
•Large animals
•Small animals
•Open spaces
•Lightning
•People
I have:
•A friend with benefits
•A laptop in my room
•A television in my room
•Good grades
•My own car
•Married parents
First off I will say that I am fine, which means that I am not KIA ^_^. I have been thinking alot about my job lately,about quitting to be more precise. I have been doing what I do for almost 8 years now and I have no regrets I love this job. But everything I do comes at a price and this job has had the heaviest on me. Mentally I am fine comes with my mental condition. But physically I have done irreversible damage to my body.
I am good at what I do, one of the best given my training and experience, but I have more than just my money, ambition, and job now. I have my daughter, who has been patient with me for a long time now ^_^. She always says she doesn't mind, but her real dad was in the Chinese army, granted I am much better trained and much more wealthy, I have to face the fact that you dont have to be skilled to kill with sheer luck. To say I am afraid of death is preposterous. I always push and never give I believe that if you are not willing to die in order to get something you should not have it to begin with. From the moment I first killed someone I was ready to die, after all you should take the lives of others if your not ready to lose you own.
Back then I used to be called Shaitan Spectre, coz I was so good it would terrify the people that had to work with me the ones not on my team. My job was all I had and I was too good at it, I could stand in the room watching people be tortured and ask what we wanted to know with out even flinching. The word Shaitan is arabic it means devil like being. When they called me Shaitan Spectre they meant evil spirit, like a poltergeist in a horror film. I was dedicated which means I didnt have morality. Nothing was out of the question to get what I wanted back then. I have changed a whole lot since then, I am more merciful and less willing to do whatever is necessary to get what I want. This change was brought on by Mei, I never let anyone inside before her all I needed back then was my hatred, it was enough to make sure that I never failed.
But the possibility of failure does scare me, if I die that means that I fail Mei as her father. When she lost her real parents I told her that she wouldn't lose me. The fact is I risk my life with every mission, it is true you can be killed walking out of your house, but in battle your chances of dying severely increases. This is why I am thinking about quitting. Because making her happy means more to me than anything else now ^_^.
My "Bodyguard" Friedelinde. I think you guys got the wrong idea, she does asset protection mainly while only circumstantially physically guarding me ^_^. See I lend people money like a bank, except mine is a lot of money and it binded by contracts. She collects the money for me. Some people refuse to pay because like a bank the contract has a binding interest rate after the due date. She escorts me so I can personally collect my money, or remind them they still owe me ^_^. I don't need a reason why you want it just an amount, that kind of ideology leads lots of people to borrow from me...and not all are upstanding citizens. I also set up payment plans if they like but those always lead to interest payments. She also handles security concerns when I am on missions. Kinda like Mercy for Lex Luther, she's my personal bodyguard, head of security and financial affairs ^_^. She has extensive training in Sambo, Wing-chun and Apkido, She is also well versed in business management, and also she's my Ice Queen because no matter how many times I make a pass at her she always shoots me down. So basically she protects me, my investments, and my family ^_^.
