Someone on facebook told me my art was gorgeous... I don't even know how to respond to that... =>_<= Another friend said I was awesome. "Like Piccolo fused with Neil awesome" Which is pretty darn awesome. I also don't know what to do with that. All I can say is "Thank you" without really believing it.
I've been able to draw for drawlloween because I have vague objectives. I've forced myself to get started sometimes, but it's also ridiculously easy once the tablet is plugged in. However, much like anything else in my life right now, it feels like my body is going through the motions while my mind, heart, and spirit are floating around nearby.
I've been feeling... disconnected, I guess is the term. Like I am controlling my actions remotely from outside my body. By no means does my feeling this way indicate I'll give up art. Although I say that, I almost want to. But I feel like without art, I'd have nothing. Well, there's one other thing I can't live without... My ability to sing. If I lost that, I would probably die from my heart snapping in two. It's not as though I want to make a living off my singing or anything, I'm far from professionally trained... I kinda feel like, just like with my art, I'd like to leave my voice behind in some way, too. If I can create one great artwork and leave behind a moving vocal, I could move on in peace.
Things have been hard for me mentally even more now that my boyfriend isn't in the country anymore. It's been over a year. Part of me has given up. The other part hopes for his return. We keep in touch and I worry about him. But another part that has been scarred too much to love properly worries I can't give him what he really wants in the relationship.
Really, I'd just like the screaming inside my head to stop. Some people would say there's an obvious answer to that. And maybe it would stop that way, but I doubt what's on the other side would be any better for me. So what does one do when there's nothing in the afterlife and nothing in the present life to look forward to?
Why are we born when many of us will have no clue why we're here? It's been getting simultaneously harder and easier to live life. Going through the motions if I get through the day outside my house, I can get back. But to what end? I am utterly useless on my own.
I don't know how to end this rambling, so I'll just say: The End.
