I had a complete freak-out today...
i never really do that... I usually always plaster on a fake smile and pretend like I can deal with it... I always ask nicely for everything, and I either get ignored, or they just plain don't care. I got sick of it. So, when my mom's boyfriend's son was basically beating up his little brother, and wouldn't listen to me at all... I just kind of snapped.
I said a lot of things I know I'm going to get in trouble for, but at least I didn't hit him like I so very badly wanted to, and not like a little smack, no, if I had a baseball bat I would have bashed his face in kind of hit...
I don't really want to go into full detail about it...
I guess the whole reason why I freaked out was because he's just like my sister [down to every little tiny little habit], who used to beat the shit out of me every day for no reason. Sometimes it would get so bad I would have a panic attack [best way to describe it], or I couldn't breathe, or I would be throwing up blood, and sometimes even worse than that. She almost broke a few bones, fractured some, but I never told my mom about any of it because I was always too scared to tell her, because my sister would come back with something 1000 times worse, so now there's a part of my arm where the bone is cracked [which doesn't hurt anymore] and I can pop my arm there, which I think is cool for some reason... anyways... back on topic:
I guess I just didn't want to end up reliving my sister all over again, so I snapped... I've calmed down quite a bit, but I have a headache from yelling so much, and now every little noise pisses me off. I got so close to just walking out of the house and just keep walking until I couldn't walk anymore...
I can't stand it here... I want to leave so bad... but there's nowhere to go... and if I did go anywhere my mom would easily find me. I love my mom, I really do, I just can't stay here if her boyfriend and her kids are here... I'm going to end up killing someone.
I'm tired of having no back-bone... from now on, I'm going to try to tell people exactly how I feel about some things, even if that means I'm going to get in a lot of trouble, because I just don't care anymore... When I tell my mom I can't stand her boyfriend she always says: "You like him, you're just mad at him right now." I always just leave it at that too, but the truth is, I never liked him...
I am going to stop ranting... because if I don't it's just going to go on and on about how much my life sucks.
