Cooking Without Looking

An entry for TellTale Games' Sort-of-Halloween Art Contest!

SAM: Welcome back, folks, to anther Episode of Cooking Without Looking!
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MAX: Yeah, it’s been a while, haven’t done one since Episode—
SAM: Shhh! We don’t discuss continuity breaks! Anyway, today’s episode of Cooking Without Looking is a truly special one. Remember those Max Spores from Episode 305? The ones that were so annoying that you wanted to destroy them in any way possible?
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MAX: I sure as –bleep- don’t.
SAM: You were also the giant “rabbithulu” that was spawning those things, Max.
MAX: Yeahhhh…
SAM: Well… anyway, now you can! Introducing, Max Spore Cake Pops! It’s cake! On a stick! With a Max face! That YOU can devour!
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MAX: It really doesn’t get better than that.
SAM: Actually, we’ll be honest. The original recipe comes courtesy of this site, and the frosting recipe come courtesy of this one. But ours is different- it’ll be a Max head when it is done!
MAX: It’s only stealing if you don’t give credit!
SAM: We will be deviating from those recipes at some points, so do pay attention.
MAX: We deviate from a lot more things than just recipes.
SAM: Stop that, buckethead. You’ll incite Rule 42 if you keep that up.

SAM: Before we start, let’s talk ingredients. You’ll need a cake to destroy (either homemade or a boxed mix, just about any will do).
MAX: You’ll also need frosting. Again, homemade or canned, either’s fine. Try to use a flavor that compliments the cake.
SAM: I didn’t know you were such a good cook.
MAX: Our player didn’t know what to do back in Season 1, so we had to keep making the same recipes over and over again!
SAM: You’ll also need skewers or lollipop sticks, as well as something to stick them in, like cork mats or Styrofoam.
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MAX: Almond slivers for my ears! If you’re allergic to nuts, you’re SOL- I mean, use broken wafer cookies instead.
SAM: Black and pink food coloring pens or icing.
MAX: And, lastly white chocolate to give my fur the beautiful sheen it normally has!
SAM: You mean the sheen it has when it’s NOT caked in the blood of our perps?

SAM: First, the cake, which is really easy. You can use any cake you want.
PIRATES: We wanna use rum cake!
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SAM: Rum cake would work great! And instead of using the cream-cheese frosting that we’ll be making later on, a rum raisin frosting would be perfect.
WALLACE: What about cheesecake?
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SAM: You can, but make sure it’s REALLY cold before you dip in chocolate. Also, with cheesecakes and other sticky-soft cakes, you can forego the frosting.
MAX: Don’t say “forego”, Sam.
SAM: “We’re lazy New Yorkers, so we just used a boxed pound cake mix. Follow the cake instructions, whether you use a mix or make your own.
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MAX: Stick it in the hot box and let it cook like normal too! I like to watch it burn!
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SAM: Speaking of burning, the nice part about this recipe is that you will be crushing the cake later. So if a little of the cake burns, you can cut it off.
PIRATES: And what do we DO with it?
MAX: It’s CAKE, numbskull. If you don’t know what to do with CAKE, I’ll be forced to re-educate you.

SAM: While you are waiting for your cake to finish, think of the frosting. We used a recipe for cream cheese frosting that you can find here, but any kind is fine, even canned frosting.
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MAX: I’m oooon aaaa suuugaaaar hiiiiigh riiiiight noooooow!
SAM: Stop eating all the frosting! At this rate there won’t be any for the cake!

SAM: Take the cake out and allow it to cool, mash it up then mix in the frosting until it is a solid mass, and looks and feels kind of like really thick oatmeal. It looks really gross at this stage.
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MAX: Just like Sam’s brain when I did open-cranium surgery!
SAM: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Anyway, once it’s a thick mass, you can start to portion it out into Max head-like shapes. After that, stick ‘em in the freezer for an hour or so. Here’s where we’re going to start deviating from the cake pop recipe.
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SAM: Take out the white chocolate and get it to tiny pieces, with a knife or mallet.
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MAX: Ohh, can I use my Luger?
SAM: Well, it would certainly bring new meaning to the term, “Eat lead.”
MAX: Once you’ve pulverized the crud out of it, prepare a double boiler. Basically, fill a pot with water and set it on the stove, and put a bowl on top of that with the chocolate in it. That way, it will melt more evenly and the chocolate’s less likely to get gritty or burn.
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SAM: How did you know that?
MAX: It involves fire. And chocolate. Really, Sam, you underestimate me.
SAM: Sorry, little buddy. Anyway, dip the sticks in the chocolate and stick them into the cake balls, then quickly dip in chocolate.
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MAX: Wrangle some friends or frienimies into doing this part!
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SAM: While the chocolate is still warm, add the almond slivers for ears.
MAX: Not exactly proportionately accurate, mind you, but there aren’t many foods that are long, thin and white- and would taste good with chocolate and cake.
SAM: Once dry, do your best to draw Max’s face with the food pens.
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MAX: Oh, that’s going to be burned into my retinas for a really long time, Sam. Here’s mine. Not great, but at least it’s better than YOURS.
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SAM: Well, at least I’ll get famous on the Cake Wrecks circuit.
MAX: That’s all for this week! Tune in next week as we make Sam clone Fudgey Freezes!
SAM: Good lord, Max. No.