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I won!

Super secret news part two!

Last time I talked about having an editor for my favorite magazine and entering a contest as a first step. Well, I spent 5 months trying to make it really good and trying to learn Japanese enough to talk on the phone and all that jazz.

Then I submitted it. But the file size was too big, so I had to break it into parts and submit it twice. The rules were really vague on this.

So I waited, trying not to stress, but inevitably stressing too much and having to go to the hospital (I'm bad with stress)...

The results come out the next month on the 20th so on the 20th I woke up and started working on a different manga to calm my mind. My editor said she would tell me the results of the contest before they were posted, and I'm pretty sure she forgot or something. I heard that if you placed you'd get a call from an editor about the results, but I got nothing.

So I tried to get mentally prepared for my loss. Maybe I submitted it wrong. Maybe the competition was really tough, and I'm not as good as I thought and my editor was tired of me and that's why she stopped replying.

But I couldn't concentrate on my comic at all so I put on clothes and ran to the convenience store to buy the magazine and I opened it up to the results page to see who won and burst into tears.

I wasn't first.

I was 8th. And I won the newcomer's award.

Most of the other entrants had submitted more than 2 times, and this was just my first time posting and I was 8th. Me, a foreigner, from a small town, the small reaches of the internet, who had always been told I couldn't go to Japan let alone become a manga artist, won a contest. With my favorite magazine of all time. The magazine that I had studied for years.

Not only that, but I had been told that 25 is the cut off point for most magazines, and most of them don't want artists above 25 because usually people settle down and have families etc. All the winners were above 25 except maybe 2.

Age doesn't matter. Country doesn't matter.

I have never cried so much over happy thing before. It is an inch of my dream, but a pretty big inch. I've never won a contest besides the ones on theO before.

Despite all of this, because my work is super stressful because the manager keeps making everyone feel worthless I do feel just worthless and everything is making me disappointed in myself even though I literally achieved part of my dream and was complimented by my favorite artists (mangaka for Akatsuki no Yona etc) I still feel really low.

I'm going to keep working hard on making stories that move people's hearts and will try to get first place next time. (first place winner this time had submitted 13 times! wow!)

I'm not sure if my editor will help me again the second time, or I should do it myself.

Extremely happy news!

Thank you everyone whom I've ever spoken to on this website. Your kind words pushed me through a lot of time of doubt and I never gave up on my dreams and I still haven't and I will keep going until I make a big long series that makes everyone cry.

Omg guess who

(Please don't tell anybody else about this or share it online or anything. Its just between us)

I have been on twitter, hate it, instagram, hate it less, tumblr, no opinion, and pixiv, luv it recently and not on theO.

I really wonder what happened and why suddenly lots of people became inactive on her. For me it was my friends in college got me to use different websites instead of this one...but I always compared evetything to theO. It's literally paradise here.

In my entire time on here I remember only one bad comment from a user who was new to theO and didn't understand that you can't be rude on here. Maybe others had different experiences, but my was overwhelmingly positive.

Anyways I always come back for an update eventually lol. And there's something I have been wanting to get off my chest but I don't think I should say online for numerous reaaons, I don't want my boss to find out and misunderstand. I don't want it to suddenly disappear, although I know now that I can just try again.

I'ma stop being cryptic. lol

Yknow since the beginning of my time on theO, or just the majority of my life I have wanted to be a manga artist. So in college I studied hard in Japanese and moved to Japan as an English teacher to study Japanese, get a well paying job, and to understand Japanese culture more...And I'm still an English teacher and would like to keep this job for the time being.

So working hard at work, working hard outside of work to go to publishers. And recently I decided to just try my favorite manga magazine for fun just to see what the office looks like. My favorite magazine is called Hana to Yume. If you liked Ouran High School Host Club, Oresama Teacher, Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki Kun, Vampire Knight, Fruits Basket, God Child, Akatsuki no Yona etc etc extremely famous shoujo manga magazine.

Wait, let me a explain a thing! There are many avenues you can go through to publish a manga:

The Bakuman route is the most common: enter a contest, win it, get an editor, enter another contest, make a series

But little ol me doesn't understand how to draw a manga or Japanese culture so I can't deal with zero feedback. So instead another route that I am going for is apparently the scary route (manga artists are all shy shut ins with no social skills apparently)

The route I'm going for is: physically bring the copy to an editor and have a one on one meeting at the office, get an editor who will help you win a contest, win the contest, get serialized

There was another route I was going to try:

bring copy to editor, get recommended to be an assistant for another mangaka, learn the ropes, network, get serialized

But surprisingly that route didn't work out.

So the story is this:

I decided to write 5 manga a year and go to editors to see how to improve as an artist. Also important point: I did 1 manga by myself in two and a half months giving me plenty of time to relax and have fun with it. So the outcome was pretty nice too.

Then when I finished I made a list of magazines I should go to. To be honest, it was more of a shounen manga than a shoujo manga, but it was about girls so I assumed girls might want to read it, so just for fun I went to my favorite magazine...more as a tourist than as a serious dream...

I accidentally got there 4 hours early, went to Starbucks, died because the matcha lattes hate me and literally went to the bathroom every 10 minutes because that latte killed my stomach. Then when it got closer to the meeting time I went to go to the office and of course got lost, found it, then walked around in a nearby park for half an hour. Lololol, the nerves.

Then I went inside and was asked to sit in one of the meeting rooms (depending on the company you might go into the actual offices like in Bakuman, but in my experience the really big magazines have you meet in a meeting room on the first floor)

The one I chose had pics from Shimizu Reiko and I just died staring at it. The room next to it had Berserk paintings hung up and then I realized that Kentaro Miura publishes under the same company and died again. Many deaths that day.

Then the editor came read my manuscript. I sat there in silence as she read and reread it 2 or 3 times.

Previously at other companies the editor just read it once and fairly quickly. Everyone has a different style.

So because it was so slow and my Japanese isn't great and the fantasy elements I knew were a bit confusing I thought that probably she didn't get it at all so she had to reread it. My previous manga that I showed to different editors were action or comedy so pretty simple stories. This one was fantasy so I had to alsi explain the setting.

Also! Other important information I somehow misunderstood for like 3 years:

You can and should show your manga to different magazines if you are unsuccessful.

So my plan was to show to different magazines , but based on my first experience I would choose the others because again, I didn't know if it was.a shoujo or shounen so if the editor told me it was shounen I'd go there. I even put it on my calendar when to call and wgat days to have meetings before I try writing a new story.

Back to the meeting

I was waiting for a while for the feedback, trying to calm my nerves and set my brain to Japanese so I could actually discuss my story.

She put it back in order, straightened the papers and said. "I love it...I mean I really think its interesting"


She loves it, but its no a shoujo manga, or its a good premise but the ending is bad.

We went through the problems and maybe some ways to fix it and I was like "this is extremely helpful, I'm glad I came, I'll try better next time" (in my head)

Then that conversation ended and she said "So I'd like to be your editor and help you on the next step"


My brain broke. I couldn't show my joy from those words because in my head I was thinking about how I would be rejected and it wasn't really the best story for the magazine etc etc....Also I was aiming to be an assistant first because I don't feel like I understand Japanese culture well enough. Definitely not Japanese. Also the previous editor told ne to try smaller magazines because the big magazines are more strict about who can join and the previous editor said even though he liked my story I would need more skills in order for him to be my editor.

So my brain didn't connect...then she had me read some examples of winners in the past and told me that this is what we're shooting for.

And I have been doing that ever since, trying to write something good enough to win. It's really diffucult and I keep getting fabulous feedback and I am happy to be able to grow as an artist and writer.

However, again, in Japanese communication is super hard, writing is super hard and generally I am doing everything on hard mode.

The easier way:
Webcomics, selfpublishing, writing in English
Winning a contest (not sure how this is easier, but I heard it was)

Just generally the avenue I chose, ignoring the fact that I am not even Japanese is considered harder for some reason. Maybe editors are more strict? Maybe its difficult if you live far away? I'm not sure why its difficult but...

I have only been learning Japanese for 6 years or so, am not Japanese, but I'm choosing to write in Japanese as my main focus and I can't seem to find very many artists who choose to do this with my background.

I was born in the suburbs, moved to a decent sized city to spend my youth, then moved to an extremely small rural town for high school and college, went to another super small town in Japan for studying abroad, went to a bigger city to try living the city life in Japan, and now I live in Tokyo.

The main then I'm just flabbergasted by is just...the amount of times somebody told me my dream was impossible, too difficult, unrealistic.

I beat Eve in Nier Automata without healing and that was super hard but I still did it.

Basically I wanted to post 1 to give a happy life update 2 to remind you guys to never give up on your dreams no matter how hard they are.

Want to get manga published in Japan but aren't Japanese and don't speak Japanese and lived in a rural town most of your life? Eho cares go for it.

I am sure there are some things that are out of your control so you can't do it, but find a way to put it in your control.

I think a lot of people get burntout, disillusioned, and just negative towards themselves when they fail so they feel a sense of helplessness and that their dreams are actually impossible so they give up. I've felt that so many times and its perfectly okay. After I've felt that, though, it makes me want it even more.

There is nothing you CAN'T do, just a lack of imagination.

I kind of want to make youtube videos about how to actually become a manga artist because there's so much misinformation on youtube about it. I think Xenon comics does the best job. Bakuman was a dramatization. Aoi Honoo was also a dramatization, but also pretty true. You don't have to be good at drawing to become a manga artist, you just gotta be ambitious and have good work ethic. There's that one youtuber that was super popular...Joeywolf or something? They told people how to become a manga artist literally with no idea how it worked and so many people including me watched it, feeling less than and making manga seem so much more impossible. Then there's all the self published artists, who are still good snd their route us valid, but also their avenue is not the manga publishing route, its the self publishing route, a lot of them also talk about how its too hard so they went for self publishing.

You should self publish if:
You don't want to learn Japanese
You prefer writing in English (not because its easy but because you know how to write very well and use the language to your advantage)
You don't want to draw manga for the rest of your life
You have bad time management skills
Its just a hobby
You want to write your baby and nothing else
You want to write a story the way you like it, not the way others want it
You want to write something without a genre

etc etc

I don't want to make youtube videos though because I am afraid of my boss finding them and misunderstanding. Currently I am just writing to eventually get serialized, I don't work for that magazine, I am only being advised, its not a job. And also because I am not published yet, so I might be wrong about some aspects of the process and am definitely not a an expert at all. I am still a beginner. However, I do want to fight back against the naysayers.

And if this post isn't long enough, one more thing I WAS happy about but because of recent events affecting all of our lives it was cancelled...but...maybe I've talked about odorite on here...I'm not sure? But I waa taking classes by one of my favorite odorite groups called SLH...another thing which is a secret probably...

I've been their fan since high school so seeing them every week (previously) in place of my normal dance schedule was a dream come true. Also they are the best teachers I've ever had. Some say its because they are kind of celebrities and need to keep their image, but they don't have to be so helpful. There are four so during class one teaches and the others help correct individuals so everyone gets some help. I am bad a stetches and other stuff and they helped me specifically there and I have been asking for help from every teacher I have had up until then and they were the first to actually help me.

They are actually extremely talented at teaching and I was so pleasantly surprised by this.

So I am fulfilling two dreams lol

Thank you for coming to my TED talk and reading this massive essay.

Repeat: Please don't tell anybody else about this or share it online or anything. Its just between us

I hope that my story inspired some of you especially during these crazy times that are really out of your control. No mattee how scary something is, or how many times you might be rejected, difficulty doesn't mean its impossible, so don't give up!

Back from the Dead?

I feel like most people have abandoned this place! ;m; I guess I did too...(only two people posting in my feed...??)

However....I have graduated~!! Yay! It's over! No more homework!

Until I have to work...

I am still not sure when or where exactly that is, but I will be teaching English in Japan sometime this year!

I don't know how busy that means I will be, but I know I will be significantly lonely! XD I mean, I will finally be able to hang out with my friends more often, but I am betting we will all be too busy to hang out too often...

But that is what the internet is for! ;D

For right now I am just waiting on the email/phone call telling me where I will be placed, and then gonna go through lots of visa paperwork and stuff, while packing and whatever. It's the weekend so I have a lot of waiting to do...XD

Oh yeah! I published a 30 page manga book! If you want one please private message me! I am still working on how to exactly send people stuff (paypal set up and stuff) and I am also going to be putting it on tapastic!

I did a lot this year...but I did not enjoy my year so far....

Up until now (maybe still a little bit) I had severe anxiety about social relationships since around January.

I thought I would talk a little bit about it just in case other people have been through similar things, although I prefer not to get into too much detail.

I had so much anxiety over if my friends actually liked me or not, or that they thought I was annoying etc. etc. that it was paralyzing. I could not sleep, could not eat, could not do my homework, and got angry at my friends a lot.

It was a vicious cycle, too. If I didn't do my homework I could not sleep. If I didn't sleep I would get mad at my friends. If I got mad at my friends I could not eat or sleep.

I feel better now, but I still overthink things sometimes and have that stomach drop feeling with the fast heartbeat as if I just fell down the stairs.

I don't really want to explain why I felt this way, because I prefer not to remember it all...I am still quite confused and irritated about it...but I think it is best to forget. Most of it was based in my poor japanese language ability and a lot of other anxiety that was already built up.

I went to a therapist who helped me with sleeping, but I didn't really get a change in perspective until I started watching Kamen Rider.

My friends make fun of me about how obsessed I am with Kamen Rider, but I can't even begin to explain how much it saved me. I was in a really dark place where even being happy made me hate myself, but when I watched Kamen Rider I learned that all those thoughts are trivial. Sometimes people are annoying, sometimes people do stupid things, that doesn't make them less worthy of a person.

Kamen Rider is a show for kids and fairly cheesy, the themes and such everyone knows, so I feel kind of embarrassed for having that change my perspective. It isn't like I didn't know to treat everyone kindly, to believe in yourself, etc. but I didn't really understand what it meant. I didn't understand the gravity of those words.

If anyone else finds themselves feeling this way, try to change your perspective by watching new things or something. Even kids' shows can be helpful.

Just somethings I learned and try to remember:

-Just because you make mistakes and maybe hurt other people's feelings does not mean you are a bad person. If you know you did and care a lot about it, then that means you are a good person. A good person tries to fix mistakes. A bad person does not care.

Thus, if you feel like a bad person because you sad mean things to somebody, just apologize and try to make it up. Even if you do it over and over again, at least you are trying.

-Don't do something that will make yourself cry! (It is complicated and I don't know how to explain it, but whenever I feel down I remember this...even though I still don't quite understand what it means)

-Any bad decision can be rectified!

-For every bad thought attack it with 10 positive thoughts (it doesn't have to be 10, just think more positive than bad)

-You are born and live to find happiness! If you can't find it, it just means you can't find it at the moment. It is important to find happiness in things. You were not born to suffer.

-Make each decision with the fullness of heart and mind. Mistakes are lessons learned; they're not meant to be regrets.

-Self hate is conceit! (You are not being humble by disliking yourself, you are only hurting yourself)

-There is not one perfect person. Supporting each other and living is a life game.

-Only you can trust yourself and love yourself, you cannot receive love from somebody else if you don't know how to love yourself.

-People are people, they are not good or bad. You cannot make your friends 'do good' you can only be their friend.

Most of these things I still hard for me to remember, but I wonder if I tell them to myself enough, I will become a better person.


I am hoping that if my year was this bad at the beginning maybe it will be great at the end? XD But that kind of thinking is also not good. 'cause there really is no good or bad.

I keep chickening out on posting this post, but I am gonna post it anyway! XD

With the remainder of my free time I hope to draw more stuff, be more active online, play more video games, and WATCH ALL 40 SEASONS OF KAMEN RIDER! MUAHAHAHAHA!!

Seriously, if you have never watched Kamen Rider I suggest starting with either Kamen Rider W or Kamen Rider OOO. They will make your heart bleed with friendship.

Also after writing 60 pages of a manga...I still want to write more manga...;3; Lesse if I will finish anything! XD


Typing in Japanese~


I just got a new laptop because my other laptop's screen turned red and blue...O.o;

It has been almost 5 years since I have had windows on a laptop...oh my god...

I wouldn't say it is particularly wonderful though. It does have its charms. Mainly that I can download programs I want now. It is a lot slower than linux and it isn't as customizable which is a shammmmeee...;3;

But I can type in Japanese now because the keyboard actually works on this one (not that it doesn't work for linux, it was just that my laptop was so beat up certain important connections failed...). It is really funnn

Only thing is I think I set my entire computer to Japanese...oh well, more learning~

In other news....

I seriously need to rant for a moment...

I bought clip studio paint/comic studio/manga studio.............



I literally cried and had a melt down for 3 hours while I was going through the features...

Like I don't know if anybody understands how much this means to me....

I always drew analog or with programs not made for making comics, or super duper crashing with little features free programs.

When I worked on Idolling I used a combination of photoshop elements, paint tool sai, and photoshop 7.0. When I worked on Blind Prototype I used Krita and GIMP. My most recent manga has been with SAI and GIMP. The manga I took to Shueisha I did all by hand.

So the problems that come with this are:
-have to buy or make my own screen tones (expensive or time consuming)
-I have to try so many different brushes to figure out what I need
-I have to draw all my persective lines by hand, all effects by hand
-The main problem is speed lines...drawn by hand...even digitally...
-Drawing individual backgrounds with no short hand
-Doing cross hatching by hand
-Doing panels by hand (meaning crooked lines and lots of clean up)

Literally the only thing that has set me back from drawing comics more often are these tedious things. I draw the characters, thumbnails, etc are all fine, then I get to the phase of needing to make tones, backgrounds, line effects, etc. and I just give up inside.

Clip studio paint allows you to do all of that stuff in just a few clicks...;m;

I cried when I used the cross hatching tool and the speed lines rulers...TT^TT

Shounen Jump is having a manga contest on pixiv from now until january so I am going to try my best and participate in it~

Also with the previous idea for a webcomic I have decided against because I can't really think of any plot past chapter 3..

Instead I have a more interesting idea in store~ But it'll be a secret~

And my third goal is to write a colored webcomic to publish on comico, which my friend kindly introduced me to.

All this stuff...and I still have finals to study for...

I will draw something on clip studio paint soon, but I gotta finish writing my papers and preparing for several finals.

Also my final project for ceramics blew up in the kiln so I am not sure what to do about that...and I was planning on finishing my papers today, but I got sidetracked by wonderful things so yeah...

I look forward to the future~ I haven't been this happy and full of inspiration in so long~

Manga Recommendation!

I have missed so many posts on here! I feel so bad! ;m;

I didn't realize my fall break would be so short last time...I wasn't able to even finish all my homework I had planned...and immediately when I came back from the break my ceramics professor thought it was a good idea to assign us to make 10 7" cylinders, 5 bowls, 5 mugs to make on the wheel in one week. I don't even know how to center my clay...;m;

So that ended being my main stress since fall break and I got free-ish time now~ :D

I have been doing inktober every day. I should post them on here, and I would normally have done that but I usually finished them right before going to bed so I only had time to type little snippets of stuff about them. I like to leave long comments for theO so I will probably post them all when it's over in November or something on here and on DA, but I will talk more on theO! XD

I have two things to say~ First a manga recommendation and second something that I find to be really interesting that I have recently learned about yesterday and today

I recommennddddd...

By Sakisaka Io

External Image

You might recognize the art style if you have read Strobe Edge or Ao Haru Ride. Both by same mangaka.

I had read Strobe Edge which I ended up reading all of and it was fairly well written panel-wise with some interesting fresh kyun moments. She is really good with the kyun moments. However I felt there was so much put into the guy that the girl did not end up with than the actual main protagonists. I didn't understand the feelings of the main character or the guy and although I enjoyed the flow, it didn't make much sense.

Ao Haru Ride was a bit better about this. The characters were more fleshed out, but neither were super likable. They had so many faults that, although they seemed more human, made them harder to support and understand. Thus the manga created a lot of frustrations for me and even though that one had some of the best kyun moments I have ever seen, they story, again was lacking, even though the character development improved.

Thus is makes me incredibly happy to see how much she has improved on fixing the faults in her previous manga. She just keeps getting better and better with story writing~

Omoi Omoware Furi Furare is a story of two couples who complicated feelings. The main character likes somebody who likes somebody else, her best friend likes another person who may or may not like her. It's not really an easily describable romance, so it can't be advertised as a love triangle or anything.

Each character is relatable and fully fleshed out. You can understand the motives and feelings of all characters. I found myself relating to closely to the main character with her responses to similar situations that I have been in being exactly the same.

However compared to her previous works there are not as many kyun moments, but a lot more character development.

I think this is a beauty of a shoujo manga because she sometimes delves into a bit more of the psychology of the characters than normal shoujo do. Dealing with rejection, dealing with a forbidden love, dealing with unrealistic love, etc. Trying to understand the feelings of another person. The love of friendship.

I highly recommend it~ :3


Okay so now onto the interesting that happened.

So I posted a while ago about how I was rejected by the person I really liked. The majority of the year I had been struggling with my feelings about this person because we still maintained contact. I really like him as a friend and I know he appreciates our friendship so I did not want to stop talking to him. It's these sorts of feelings that I really understood in Omoi Omoware Furi Furare. The main character went through the same experience and thought and reacted the exact same way I did! (Definitely an excellent manga).

The best friend of the person I like is currently at my school as an exchange student (and basically my only friend on campus) so we hang out very often and eventually he learned about how I like his best friend and I was rejected (although he apparently already knew about this, being his best friend and all). He had been supporting me a bunch and recommended me to try to talk to him less and try my best to forget about him except for as a friend. Which is incredibly hard. He understands because he has been rejected before.

A few days ago the person I liked asked if he could skype me (this isn't unusual, we mutually ask eachother to skype the other, I never stopped doing this) and the first day I couldn't because of the stupid homework above, so the next day I let him know that I had free time for a little while, and he made me help him with his homework. But then we ended up chatted for a bit about how he wanted to come to America to visit his best friend and other students he knew on campus since it's been a while. He also checked the prices for the flight and realized he could actually do this. But he always says this so I don't believe him at all that he will actually come here.

I told this to his best friend and he agreed that he is definitely just making stuff up. However I told his best friend that I had just skyped with the person I like and realized that the person I like posted about my on his twitter. He said he was wondering who he was talking about. On his twitter he said "I am going to quickly go to America, go see the girl who says 'eh, ah, un' and then come back.' Which that girl is definitely me cause I always say that...also when he skyped me I kept saying that 'cause he asked me to explain to him what a Nation State is in Japanese (way too hard for my Japanese level).

So then that means he actually wants to come to America to see me. O.O SHOCK! So his best friend was suspicious of him because it seemed like he might actually be interested in me, and so he called him to ask why he rejected me. Apparently he didn't know what he was talking about and said 'I never rejected her' and that at the time I thought he rejected me he just wasn't sure what to say.

I reviewed the chat and I realized that I was the one who said nevermind let's not talk about it anymore...;orz That's why it was never brought up again..

Then today his best friend told me more about that phone conversation. Apparently he also asked that if I went to meet him in Japan, would I have any chance and he said 'un, betsuni ii kedo'...which is hard for me to translate into English...But if you watch anime in Japanese you have probably heard this line from tsundere characters a lot. Basically it's like 'yeah, it's wouldn't be a problem or anything'...or 'yeah, sure, maybe'...A 'yes' but avoiding the question.


So much SHOCK

Also according to his best friend he is a major tsundere. I didn't believe they existed so much....or just never liked a tsundere before so I didn't know...O.O

I also talked to the person I like about people who aren't nice and he said that he also isn't very nice because when I was in Japan he kept telling me to go back to America. He apologized for saying that and said he didn't really mean it. Which was confusing for me because I thought that he was actually trying to comfort me. Because he said it at a time when I actually had to go back to America and that was nothing I could do about it. It was like saying 'you belong in America, you should return there for now' sort of thing, not like anything mean.

So I asked his best friend and he said that he was trying to say that he was really sad that I was leaving and didn't want me to leave.


I spent the majority of this year trying to forget about him and avoiding looking at any pictures of him or thinking about it him besides thoughts that a friend should have and odgkmdfgjdnfjkdfn it's all changed now. Now his best friend told me I should not worry and message him every day as much as I can...which now I am too shy to do so...I dunnno what to talk about...too much pressure...;m;

It's probably really juvenile but it makes me very happy, even small things like these like realizations that I wasn't rejected and he might actually like me or at least definitely has interest...;3;

Guhhh...this is so unbelievable turn of events...;orz I dunno how I feel beyond being happy...and I really feel a lot more free because a lot of my favourite things were his favourite things so I tried to ignore them because they reminded me of him and looking at pictures of him and that stuff...ugh..I don't have to be as self conscious...;w;

Still shocked...

Okay I am done with my story! XD

Sorry for posting petty things instead of art related things...>3> Maybe one day I will get much more freetime...;orz