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ugbugbug no nevermind stop regrets...;m;

I got a reply from a professor in Japan I sent an email to for an affiliation letter for a grant I am applying to....but....

She asked for a research proposal asap and I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN ONE BEFORE. But I was like, pshh, can't be too bad I learned things I got the skillz. Then I looked it up and I need to have like a budget plan and a schedule and whatever...

In a traditional research proposal...



I dun have that...I dun even know how to make that since I have never done anything close to this...Like I have done research from reading articles and then synthesizing it into a paper...but.......what how do I do research?! TT^TT

I need somebody to hold my hand but she said ASAP and I am on break right now so ASAP is not possible....TT^TT

I know I complained about this last post but now I am stressed again 'cause I was finally all happy about updating my operating system (I love updating my operating system, so many new fun things) and then getting ready for school and I was slowly deciding (since she hadn't emailed me back) that I don't really want to do the grant anymore and I am okay with not doing it because I at least have some nice pieces and whatever and I can try working on a few other things and then draw some stuff I wanted to do since the beginning of the summer but kept forgetting about that I want to do before the start of my semester....

but then I get this email....;m;

I think she misunderstood what I was asking...Like I know I need to give her a research I don't know what that is...

And then art and that I needed to get it in ASAP 'cause the school year starts in April. 1. This grant does not allow me to enroll in the university, but I can research alongside the university using the amenities of the university. 2. My school year ends in May, so it's not gonna work that way...

I dunno how to email her back when I only understand like 45% about the grant and I don't know how to politely tell her she misunderstood...especially when I don't know for sure...

That and I kinda don't want to do it at I know it's not super hard to do this stuff but I actually don't have enough time to do anything of the things I was supposed to do so I don't want to do it. Maybe some other time when I actually want a grant, but I actually don't want this grant, I am only doing this so it looks good on a resume...

Ughh...this is what happens when I try to do things to build an image.

So now I am wondering how to politely tell all these people I emailed how I don't want to do it anymore...which still sucks 'cause that makes me look like a whimpy child who doesn't know what they want to do and can't take the pressure. Which is true, but y'know, it really wasn't in my self interest to do any of this. I just wanted people to think I was cool for applying...;m;

This is like the 3rd time I have learned not to listen to people's recommendations...>3> The other two times have also been disingenuous and ended in my failure. I can't do 50% of I can't try and get ahead through jumping through hoops, I can only do it through going though a door which I have to open myself...or like knock so that somebody can let me in.

Like everyone else who applies for this grant do it so they can learn about themselves, have experience studying abroad, etc etc. I have no interest I literally just want to go to Japan and get a working visa so I can work as a manga assistant...;m; This is actually in my way of doing so...

Basically the stress comes from: 1. I didn't want to do the grant but I did it because people told me to in a 'I am so impressed, you go for it. I am so excited for you taking this opportunity' so like....why wouldn't I? 2. I bothered people for help in doing something I didn't want to do. 3. Now I have to either do the stuff they ask which I can only do at a very mediocre quality or somehow explain why I have given up on something I didn't want to do in the first place...

I guess I will figure it out tomorrow. This has been a heck of a couple of days with people saying I can't do it and then myself telling me I can't do it and then other people telling me I can which therefore means (to me) that I should...

I just feel like backing out of it will be a personal failure...but again I didn't want to do it in the first place so I just put myself in this hole...

Uggh sorry for complaining about this a second time. I need to blow off even more steam so I don't get ulcers from the stress...;orz

Lala stress Lala failure~ :D

Blowin of steam~ Steam boat willy~ :D

My school year starts up again next week-ish (technically next next week but I gotta actually move in) and I am both excited and terrified. Because it's my last year and most of the applications for jobs I want will be in my first semester (although some will be after I graduate if I feel like waiting that long...)

Also I get to see some of my friends from Japan again~ :3 I am super excited to see them again and I know they are super excited to experience college life in America. I am also mentoring one of the students who I have never met before so I will have new friends~ :3 YAY FRIENDSHIP!!

But recently I have been dumb and lazy...>3>

So my life plans for after graduating are basically: get a job so I can live in Japan. I just want to live there on a working visa so that I can apply to work as an assistant for manga artists while working on my stuff (honestly I would be happy working as a manga assistant for the rest of my life, I wouldn't mind that, but it'd be nice to publish my own manga if I can).

There are many things I have preparing myself to apply for. I have a bunch of places I want to apply to and I just need to wait for the application periods to be open. That is stress for later...

However I also wanted to apply for Fulbright just for the heck of it even though I know I will never get it. The main thing is that I can put the fact that I applied on an application for a job and it'll look like I am really a determined sort of person or whatever. 'cause it takes a lot of apply for Fulbright.

Unfortunately I did not know or understand Fulbright until recently and it sounded like way too much stuff...and just weird vague rules everywhere...just so many questions so I emailed people and waited for their replies back. This sounds like a reasonable thing except that I am stupid and this is during the summer and I was supposed to go to the meetings for it last year.

It turns out the deadline is the 16th of September which isn't far away. I don't have anything done. I have to write two essays (only have drafts), get a letter of affiliation from the university I would like to study at (e-mailed some people but haven't heard back because I sent it during people's break times...because I am stupid...), and have 15 finished pieces of art for the portfolio....


It would be a good idea to do it and I am trying my best to get it done but it is so stressful and I can't even sleep at night because I just keep getting thoughts over and over again about how stupid and lazy I am.

It's making me feel sick...

And the even stupider thing is that it shouldn't. The only reason I am applying is so that it looks good on my resume. There are other things I can work hard on to put on my resume. Like I can ask to be a TA for the japanese classes so I can get teaching skills or see if I can work at afterschool stuffs. There are lots of opportunities on my campus.

The problem I have with the whole thing is emailing people. I email that I am interested thus the professor gets excited to help and in the end I don't get anything. I just feel bad for bothering people...I know it's just an email but still. They took the time to read it and care about my feelings enough to reply...>3>

I have decided to see what I can do up until that deadline and if it doesn't work out (which I feel like it won't since I still have no replies from anybody) then I can just use the artwork that I made for my senior portfolio for art.

I am literally stressing over something that isn't a big deal. The only thing I am stressing over is my own pride.

When I tell people I am going to do things (not on the internet, I got a habit of saying I will do stuff on the internet and then forget it and do homework instead...;orz) I have to do that because I said so. I don't like saying that I was too ambitious and was unable to do it. It's like losing a battle...but I made up the battle...

In other news I finished about 90% of the manga I was working on this summer. I still have some tweaking, the story is weak in some bits so I need to draw new pages, some of the details are missing, and my japanese is messed up on a few pages. I am putting it on hold for now because applications and school stuff.

In other other news...I am super lucky with my classes this year because all of them start in the middle of the day, are all in the same building (which is next to my dorm), and are all art related~ Two art history classes which means two classes I need to dedicate to studying and writing good papers. Two studio classes.

A class for studying and a class for destressing over studying (or stressing about materials and cleaning and whatever...but meh, I do that anyway). Balanced~

Although I have more problems on top of that. Apparently the two classes I need for my minor are not offered this year...>3> And honestly it wouldn't be a big deal but my mom is super pissed at me if I graduate with a major in art (which actually super beneficial in attaining a visa to work as a manga assistant). So she wants me to have a minor in Asian Studies (which I don't really understand how that is much better than an art major) so that I guess I might be able to work in government or something?

This all lead me to have a break down yesterday and confessed my dreams to my mom. Which she always knew I had but I was, this is probably rude of me to say because I actually don't know, but it kinda did feel like I was coming out as gay to my mom. I am heterosexual so I wouldn't know how that felt, but it was like telling my mom and expecting her to be majorly disappointed in me. Telling her something that I thought would hurt her for some reason...which I was wrong...but I felt I needed to tell her so she would stop trying to steer me in directions that are wasting my time...

So yap...

Just stressing stressing...I really just don't want to do that application anymore...I would love it if nobody replied to me because I just don't want to get people's hopes up...because then it will get my hopes up....

Welp, that's how I have been feeling. I am actually a lot more excited for school, but I want the scholarship to be over and out of the way and it won't be...;orz

Thanks for reading my book, "Lala stress lala failure~ :D"


Popping in an out!

Sorry for popping in and out so much...I forgot how to be active on the internet ever since I started college so I keep ending up doing stuff like just watching youtube videos for hours and hours instead of being active on other websites...;orz

I have written the name for my manga (in Japanese) and now I am in the steps of drawing out the manuscript but I have gotten annoyed by my stale looking art style so I would say I am pretty stuck/frustrated right now. I think I shouldn't be because how will I improve if I don't keep drawing.

After this post I will probably just put my nose to the grind stone and draw even if I think it looks bad. I can always come back and fix it later. I think that is another problem, I keep thinking about how bothersome it is to fix stuff afterwards and that I just want it to be over...;orz I think that is something important to get over.

Akiko Higashimura once said that the greatest thing she ever learned was to just keep drawing and never stop. I think she wrote a manga about this theme. She went to an art school and had a difficult teacher who she didn't get along with and she didn't do super well in his classes and he kept yelling at her 'What are you doing? Keep drawing!' It is that kind of thing that made her one of the fastest producers of manga where she can churn out like 10 pages in a day.

I think I should keep drawing to get to where it is just natural to draw manga, use the techniques, think of angles and paneling and dialogue. Same for studying Japanese. Just gotta keep at it until it becomes less of a chore.

On another subject...

I just wanted to say my thinking out loud and ask if any of you guys know of manga about the internet?

I have been struggling with a story for my babies Klan and Seiichi because all the previous stories I tried to work on for them were very flat and boring or just unoriginal...

What I wanted to try and explore was modern day topics. Not like recent news sort of modern day topics but like ideas like increasing consumption in a globalized world. I know it's a topic that has been going on for a while but it has transformed our world in many ways and we have a new culture of reality intertwined with the internet.

My central theme now is just 'internet child' a person who grew up with the internet. I want to do express the feelings of being a person who grew up with the internet because I am one of those type of people. Since I was about 4 years old I have been using the internet. When I was 4 I would look up pictures of cats or Sailor Moon and then as I got older I slowly started to delve into the internet community.

I think I was 7 when I started going on neopets and participating in the boards in neopets. That is also where I met some of my best friends on the internet. When I was 7 I was only allowed 3 hours on the internet and this steadily grew until I spent more than 12 hours on the internet and now I spend pretty much every hour of the day on the internet. I guess that is sorta a problem but I feel more comfortable on the internet.

Like other people have street smarts I have internet smarts. I know what it means to properly behave on the internet and I know the invisible rules of the internet which other people like to believe don't exist.

Okay this is getting long...

Basically my idea is to make the setting for the manga in the internet. Where each website is like it's own city and the main character delves into other areas of the internet like one would on road trips and such, just seeing what it's like and maybe you like that community better. However there are also problems like mean people etc and then there are problems like government crack down and viruses.

It sounds a bit like .hack or something but I want to make it not like that and more relevant to the actual behaviors of the internet.

Somehow I will work in action battle stuff...('cause I do that for pretty much all my stories....;orz)

I am not sure what the goal or the villain is but I was wondering if this sort of story has been done before/done to death. Maybe it is too similar to the MMORPG stories like SAO or something?

Welp that's all for now~ Maybe I will get the hang of internet activity later...XD

Fishing phishing fishing

I wanted to say 'gone fishing' but that would be a misleading title. Therefore I made a meaningless title~ :D

I just came back from NEW YORK! :D *fanfare*

I forgot to say anything at all about this on the internet.

I think it might just be because I just came back from Japan...but I was not excited about this trip nor did I have the best time. It was fun hanging out with my friend but I saw it more as an opportunity to do new things and eat nice food while hanging out with my friend.

However I was the one to ask to go home early which I feel a bit bad about...because she wanted to stay there. She is from New York but had to move to the crappy state where we live because of her parents (just like meee~).

I don't have too much to say but ever since that...I just feel kinda tired...I mean I came back on Friday night. I didn't do anything saturday or sunday or even today...;orz

Meh I think I am just tired from waaayyy too much travel and stuff this year. I needz a break....

I realize I don't really like traveling. Which is weird 'cause I loved Japan and peeps are always like 'well why do you want to go back and live in Japan then? Why do you like that experience more than others?' cause it just fits me in the strangest way...

I feel the most comfortable in Japan. I feel like I can be myself in Japan to a certain extent. My Japanese isn't the best so I can't explain my feelings all the time or have the deepest conversations, but I'm working on it. However when it comes to everyday living it makes me feel super comfortable.

Well you can tell I am clearly not over having left to Japan...ever since I did I just haven't been myself. I can't concentrate at all and I can't do any of the things I wanted to do...>3> I just want to sleep or watch videos on youtube...

Welp I'ma make meself do stuff! I mean I literally have to do or next semester will be hell.

I talked to Jamie Lynn Lano, the girl who was a manga assistant for Prince of Tennis to ask how she got her visa and all that jazz because that was the main problem I was having. Basically I learned I need to a job in Tokyo first and then I can search for manga assistant jobs.

Also according to the editor at Shueisha I talked to I need to participate in amateur awards contests. I was stupid and forgot to check pixiv for contests and I see that I mostly missed the Shounen Jump contest...>3>

So basically I just need to put my nose the grind stone with studying Japanese, working on resumes, working on applications, and working on manga...

But it's so mach and I feel so lazyyy...

Or mainly I dislike everything I write...but I think I just need to throw that out the window and draw.

I am wondering if the problem might be that I write the dialogue first...maybe I should write the dialogue while I am writing the name's...because if I write the dialogue firs then I have to translate it and then it sounds weird and gets too long and then I can't fit it on the page neatly...

So I will try that with some of my stories.

I just looked over my Word doc for the stories I would like to write and I got like 9 now...;orz

I'ma finish one 'o them at least! XD I think I should do as many as I can because if one ends up being bad then I can make the next one better! This is my plan.

Although 30 pages is a bit much...I might make some shorter...

Actually I feel energized just writing this!

Gonna go make a to-do list and schedule for how to do stuff and hopefully I will do stuff. No more going with the flow!


I'ma leave you gaiz wit some morning musume 'cause I love this music video and song and le choreography~ <333

Internet, Internet, Where am I going?

So I dunno if I mentioned it in a previous post or something but recently I joined instagram and twitter. That means that the total websites I have joined and want to try and attempt to stay active are: theotaku, deviantart, instagram, twitter, facebook, pixiv, tumblr


It's too much...

Too much I have decided.

I am confused because of the people I follow who regularly post on all these sites...they literally post on all these sites all at the same time...;3;

However these people have a large following and I don't think they interact so much with other people and mainly reply to comments...or none at all...but I dunno how they keep up with all these sites...;3;

Twitter is especially overwhelming. I don't get it at all but there are a lot of mangaka on there so whatevs...>3>

I decided this summer I want to try to be more active on these websites because since my inactivity due to school I have dropped to being almost forgotten..;3; Like when I post stuff on some websites I get nil whereas before I would get a sufficient amount of attention.

I thought for deviantart I could get more attention from frequent posts, but this didn't work. I think the ticket is commenting.

I know that commenting a lot is a really good thing to do and I tried my best to talk to as many people on here because I wanted peeps to feel comfy, but even that sort of drive tired me out...;3; There was a year where I would go through all the fanart and try to comment on as many as I could. I would also do the same with the people I was watching on deviantart because I dunno, I like getting comments...

I think it would be the same with deviantart...but I don't have that much commenting power in me and I also like doing other things than just commenting...;3; Maybe I need to practice more, but my brain gets tired out trying to think of nice and constructive original things to say...I don't like leaving repetitive comments...;orz

Why do I want more attention? Because I WANT COMMISSIONS! ;3; I am sure plenty of you guys understand this pain. Get enough popularity, post about 'I have opened commissions'

zenzen nai

A few years ago I got a steady stream of REQUESTS but not COMMISSIONS which...umm..requests are pretty much useless to me except to practice drawing a variety of things...but that takes up precious time...>3> I can't do stuff like that anymore and honestly I think I was kinda used by that point of time (somebody actually sent me a message saying that she didn't like her request, despite me having done like 10 pictures in about a week, and that she wanted a new one because she felt cheated...DID YOU PAY ME? I DON'T THINK SO. I was nice cause she threatened to tell other people that I was cheap or I drew a new one. And it was at that point I was like, yeah nope not doing requests).

I COULD work on getting more popular on DA and these other sites by commenting, following, tweeting, watching, etc. but I don't have the energy to do all of that...Maybe this is normal for the 21st century and I didn't notice? I dunno but its weird...

My plan is to regularly post stuff on all the websites I have accounts on to get a range of audience. Maybe I will comment every now and then...I dunno...(though when I decide I will comment a little I end up making a master plan. Why stop with this person? Why not this person too?)

I want to gain attention honestly and for my artwork, but I don't think I am there yet so I will keep going, but from what I have read its a mixture of this and ACTIVITY. How do I be active on all these sites? ;m;

So instead I am thinking of posting regularly like I said, but then also focusing more on website over the other.

For instance, facebook and instagram are for my friends, instagram I can use more cause its fun and convenient (literally just looking at pics with short captions and short replies). TheO I will use like I always do. Deviantart and Tumblr I will use to post art. Tumblr will be more sketches, deviantart will be more finished pieces (for like a formal portfolio) and pixiv is also more finished pieces.

However I think I want to put more energy into being more active on pixiv than on deviantart. I realize there is an overall culture to deviantart I dislike, same for tumblr. Pixiv probably also has one that I don't know of yet, I'd like to find it out, and if I dislike it I will just have more interesting internet cultures in my brain's library. Not only that I will be able to, hopefully, improve my japanese. Not only not only that and the main reason I want to make this decision (which honestly isn't like choosing a chocolate milk or regular milk or anything...XD) because of the events, contests, news etc on there. In recent years they have emphasized manga more and so now companies like Shounen Jump and others are using pixiv to host their contests so I can post online applications to these contests as well as send it to them.

I can engage with the japanese artist community/manga community. I can show my profile to this community which leaves me open to participate in events like displaying art in Design Festa or something.

Bottom line, I gotta work on my art more, my japanese more, and work on more manga...

Which by the way about manga...I have been really slow at recently...I think I hit an art block that I am slowly getting over. I just suddenly disliked all my stories...but I think if I just write them, like sit down and draw the pages etc, if one is bad then it is bad and I will improve from there. I have like 6 stories, they can't all be perfect. I just really like them too much...XD

Yeahhh sorry for the rant post...I needed to release some steam...;3; Also my friend lost his phone and so I haven't be able to talk to him at all and he was usually the person I used to blow off steam and rant about nothing, but now I gots nobody...;3; Or my friend, but I am waiting until our trip together since it'll be long and need things to talk about! XD

Ack! I just realized I also have accounts on nicovideo, amebla, and youtube...all of which I wanted to do stuff on and be active...guhh...can';m;

Also my dog broke my headphones so I have to use old headphones that I can only hear out of one ear on and I wanna play rhythm games but its hard without both sides...;3; Not impossible, just can't get perfect scores now...;orz