I got a reply from a professor in Japan I sent an email to for an affiliation letter for a grant I am applying to....but....
She asked for a research proposal asap and I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN ONE BEFORE. But I was like, pshh, can't be too bad I learned things I got the skillz. Then I looked it up and I need to have like a budget plan and a schedule and whatever...
In a traditional research proposal...
;m;
Wat?
I dun have that...I dun even know how to make that since I have never done anything close to this...Like I have done research from reading articles and then synthesizing it into a paper...but.......what how do I do research?! TT^TT
I need somebody to hold my hand but she said ASAP and I am on break right now so ASAP is not possible....TT^TT
I know I complained about this last post but now I am stressed again 'cause I was finally all happy about updating my operating system (I love updating my operating system, so many new fun things) and then getting ready for school and I was slowly deciding (since she hadn't emailed me back) that I don't really want to do the grant anymore and I am okay with not doing it because I at least have some nice pieces and whatever and I can try working on a few other things and then draw some stuff I wanted to do since the beginning of the summer but kept forgetting about that I want to do before the start of my semester....
but then I get this email....;m;
I think she misunderstood what I was asking...Like I know I need to give her a research proposal...but....like...no I don't know what that is...
And then art and that I needed to get it in ASAP 'cause the school year starts in April. 1. This grant does not allow me to enroll in the university, but I can research alongside the university using the amenities of the university. 2. My school year ends in May, so it's not gonna work that way...
I dunno how to email her back when I only understand like 45% about the grant and I don't know how to politely tell her she misunderstood...especially when I don't know for sure...
That and I kinda don't want to do it at all...like...now I know it's not super hard to do this stuff but I actually don't have enough time to do anything of the things I was supposed to do so I don't want to do it. Maybe some other time when I actually want a grant, but I actually don't want this grant, I am only doing this so it looks good on a resume...
Ughh...this is what happens when I try to do things to build an image.
So now I am wondering how to politely tell all these people I emailed how I don't want to do it anymore...which still sucks 'cause that makes me look like a whimpy child who doesn't know what they want to do and can't take the pressure. Which is true, but y'know, it really wasn't in my self interest to do any of this. I just wanted people to think I was cool for applying...;m;
This is like the 3rd time I have learned not to listen to people's recommendations...>3> The other two times have also been disingenuous and ended in my failure. I can't do 50% of stuff...like I can't try and get ahead through jumping through hoops, I can only do it through going though a door which I have to open myself...or like knock so that somebody can let me in.
Like everyone else who applies for this grant do it so they can learn about themselves, have experience studying abroad, etc etc. I have no interest I literally just want to go to Japan and get a working visa so I can work as a manga assistant...;m; This is actually in my way of doing so...
Basically the stress comes from: 1. I didn't want to do the grant but I did it because people told me to in a 'I am so impressed, you go for it. I am so excited for you taking this opportunity' so like....why wouldn't I? 2. I bothered people for help in doing something I didn't want to do. 3. Now I have to either do the stuff they ask which I can only do at a very mediocre quality or somehow explain why I have given up on something I didn't want to do in the first place...
I guess I will figure it out tomorrow. This has been a heck of a couple of days with people saying I can't do it and then myself telling me I can't do it and then other people telling me I can which therefore means (to me) that I should...
I just feel like backing out of it will be a personal failure...but again I didn't want to do it in the first place so I just put myself in this hole...
Uggh sorry for complaining about this a second time. I need to blow off even more steam so I don't get ulcers from the stress...;orz
