Taking a page from ol' Shinmaru's book. I'm riffing a news article today. Be warned that the following article contains stupid the likes of which are seldom seen and as such, I may get a bit... reactive.
My responses in Italiacs.
Dad’s
Not
Alfie
Oh, neat! See what they did there? Normally DNA stands for DeoxyriboNucleic Acid, but here it also means that Alfie got PUNK'D!
A BOY of 14 was the REAL father of the baby that 13-year-old Alfie Patten thought was his, it emerged yesterday.
Take a good look at that picture and tell me Alfie's reproductive organs are ready to properly function.
Schoolboy Alfie believed he had become Britain’s youngest dad after 15-year-old girlfriend Chantelle Stedman gave birth to daughter Maisie in Eastbourne, East Sussex.
But DNA tests proved teenager Tyler Barker is the father.
Aw, and I was so excited to bear the responsibility of fatherhood at the ripe old age of fourteen!
Little Alfie Patten proudly told the world he would care for his newborn girl, but was left “extremely distressed” when he learned she WASN'T his.
Call me crazy, but most guys would typically launch confetti everywhere over that news.
The schoolboy, who was just 12 at the time tiny Maisie was conceived, had vowed to “be good” and bring up the child.
I'd make a joke here, but the wording on this pretty much speaks for itself.
Father ... teen Tyler Barker
This image pegs him looking unexpectedly content for someone who recently discovered that he now has to father his illegitimate lovechild.
But yesterday DNA results revealed in London’s High Court proved that elfin-faced Alfie did not father the girl by Chantelle.
Instead, he fathered her by MAGIC!
Instead, Maisie is the daughter of fellow schoolboy Tyler, who was 14 when Chantelle fell pregnant.
Most girls having sex at your age are being molested. What's your excuse?
It is said that Tyler is now intending to care for the three-month-old baby in the future.
I'm a whole year older than Alfie! That makes me responsible, right?
The Sun pictured 4ft Alfie with Maisie and Chantelle in February. The schoolboy believed he’d become Britain’s youngest dad, saying: “When my mum found out I thought I’d be in trouble.
If I had knocked up some chick at twelve years old and then decided I was ready to bear the burden of the result, my mother would go back in time and prevent herself from conceiving me.
Just sayin'.
Click here for more pics of Alfie,
Chantelle and baby Maisie...
So you can laugh at this kid's expense a little more.
“We wanted to have the baby but were worried how people would react. I didn’t know what it was like to be a dad. I will be good though and care for it.
Every time I see this phrase I'm reminded of ET. These are mental images I will be forced to associate with a classic Stephen Spielberg film for the rest of my life.
Cheeky
Understatement
“I thought it would be good to have a baby — I didn’t think about how we’d afford it. I don’t really get pocket money. My dad sometimes gives me £10.”
This would be adorable if it didn't make me want to drop the kid off the Tower of London.
Alfie, who pledged to leave school as soon as possible to get a job, was convinced he was Maisie’s dad as Chantelle had told him she was a virgin.
She also told him she was willing to have sex with a ten year old boy. For some reason, this was not a concern.
The children’s parents pledged that they would do all they could to help the youngsters bring up baby Maisie.
"Maybe I'll get it right this time," quoth Chantelle's mum.
Caring ... Alfie with the baby he thought was his
Alfie isn't very photogenic. Maisie does not want.
But within days of our story Tyler came forward, claiming he and at least five other lads had slept with Chantelle.
BUT SHE IS A VIRGIN I JUST KNOW SHE IS SHE WOULD NOT LIE FOR SEX
He claimed he had regularly stayed at her home, sleeping in her bedroom with the knowledge of Chantelle’s mum.
Hello, Darwin? An idiot was allowed to reproduce. The offspring is now doing the same Where the hell are you?
Five more boys in Eastbourne, East Sussex, also said that they had slept with the schoolgirl.
Alfie refused to believe their claims, at one stage donning a hoodie bearing the cheeky slogan “I’m the Daddy!”
BECAUSE SHE IS AN HONEST WONDERFUL ANGEL WHO WOULD NOT LIE TO ME FOR SEX
He insisted: “I’m the only boyfriend Chantelle’s had and we’ve been together two years. I must be the dad.”
I also haven't gone through puberty and my reproductive system is not yet fully functional. That's proof that I must have done it!
Soon after spiky-haired Tyler and the other boys made their claims of sleeping with Chantelle, social services stepped in to take control.
Just like they should have done back when Chantelle was born.
A loving kiss ... schoolboy Alfie with little Maisie before he knew the truth
The more of these pictures I see, the less convinced I am that this kid can blink or change expression in any way.
DNA testing was carried out on Alfie, Tyler and the other youngsters who made claims.
And the results were revealed after East Sussex County Council failed in a bid to ban reports of the case.
REPORT IT DAMN YOU MORONS NEVER GET ENOUGH ATTENTION
A judgment made last month by Mrs Justice Eleanor King told of Chantelle’s tears at being branded a “slut”.
What are the quotes for? Do I need to be assured that this was the exact wording? That's like saying Bill Clinton went on the record saying that he did not have sexual relations with that "woman". And if she doesn't want to be labeled a "slut", she should stop having "sex" with every "underaged" guy in the "neighborhood" and "enjoy" her "childhood".
Crying
Pounding my head against the wall
The teenager said she “was crying a lot every day” and feared that the insults would “go on forever”.
Again with the "unnecessary" quotation marks. And once again, the "insults" would "cease" if you "stop" sleeping with "everything" that "moves."
Meanwhile, Alfie was “extremely distressed” when he was told he was not the baby’s father in March, the judgment revealed.
NOOOO I WANTED TO BE SHACKLED BY A LEVEL OF RESPONSIBILITY I WAS NEVER READY FOR NOW I HAVE TO GO HOME AND GO TO SCHOOL AND PLAY WITH MY PLAYSTATION AND BE A KID AGAIN.
Our story about Alfie’s claim that he had fathered baby Maisie sparked shockwaves around the world.
Did it? Really?
Children’s Secretary Ed Balls said his reaction on seeing snaps of Alfie cradling Maisie as his daughter was: “It’s not right, this looks so terrible.”
Best. Last name. Ever.
Outraged ... Ed Balls
That is NOT outraged. if anything, he looks amused.
Tory leader David Cameron said the case raised “worrying” questions about modern Britain.
THESE "QUOTATIONS" ARE "POINTLESS"
PM Gordon Brown said he too was worried by the story and that the Government did all it could to prevent teenage pregnancies.
That's a fun mental image. Imagine Alice and Johnny trying to get their freak on when a whole damn SWAT team busts in. I sure hope they devote all their resources to this.
Tyler, who is now 15 and lives on the same estate as Chantelle, claimed he slept with her thinking she would take the morning-after pill. He said: “I thought she’d take care of it.”
Dude, you already know about her other five gentleman callers. what made you think she was responsible for anything?
Speaking before the DNA test, he admitted: “I slept with Chantelle about nine months ago and I’m really worried I could be the father. I hope it’s not me.
At least you're treating this like the serious case it is, unlike Alfie and his OH COOL I MADE A BABY CAN I KEEP IT I'M GONNA GO PLAY JAK & DAXTER NOW.
“All my mates have been teasing me about it — but this isn’t funny, it’s serious. Having sex with her was the worst mistake I’ve ever made in my life. I wish I’d never met her.
Hindsight is 20/20. Also a huge understatement.
“To be honest I didn’t really fancy her. Now I’m terrified I could be the daddy.”
Alcohol: Making unattractive girls pretty since the dawn of mankind.
Speaking in February, Tyler’s dad Chris Ireland said: “I’d no idea Tyler was at Chantelle’s house because he was meant to be with a mate.
Not your fault, you seem to have just misinterpreted the meaning of the word "mate" in this case.
“But when it came out that she was pregnant he came to see me and confessed that he had slept with her.
Son... I am disappoint.
“We were very worried. I even had a proper chat with him about his responsibilities and about what he’d have to do if he was the dad.”
You are the only sane man in all of Britan, sir.
Chris, 44, said Chantelle seduced his son while he was drunk — and told how Tyler WEPT when he realised he could have fathered the tot.
And here we have unnecessary capitalization. Also, Firefox disapproves of you wacky British spelling conventions.
He said: “He’s devastated and has broken down in tears at the thought.
“Far from bragging about it, he thinks his life’s been ruined by this.” Despite the boys’ claims that they had bedded Chantelle, she continued to insist that Alfie was the dad.
HE'S THE ONLY INFERTILE ONE IT HAS TO BE HIM.
Her mum Penny, 38, backed her and said her daughter was a virgin before she met Alfie.
Penny is also somehow at fault for pretty much everything that happened here.
Thank you for your time. This has been Ace vs. the World (or in this case, he Sun,) wherein I steal my good buddy Shinmaru's ideas.
Life: 05/19/09 | Posted By: Ace | 7 comments
