Script:
Naruto: Hey everybody! Today, we were going to have old Kyuubi sing a song for all of you. The song was going to be an altered version of ‘Never Had a Friend like Me’ from Walt Disney’s Aladdin. But, unfortunately, during rehearsal we discovered that the chakra that would be unleashed would wipe out this entire building. Coincidentally, Sakura couldn’t make it here today due to chakra-caused burns, cuts, gashes, broken bones and other injuries. But don’t worry…. we found a replacement. Well, at least for Kyuubi.
Gaara: This had better be good. Right now I’m missing ‘Fan Girls Gone Wild 2007’.
Naruto: Oh, yes, it’d going to be good. Very good.
Naruto: Okay, now as you all know, Gaara has the powerful sand spirit Shukaku trapped inside him and today we’re going to……..
Gaara: Hey, I recognize that chick!
Naruto (confused): What?
Gaara: She was on the cover of Cosplay Babes 2004!
Naruto: WHAT?!?! Oh, damn, she is!
Gaara: Should’ve brought mine and asked her to sign it!
Naruto: Well, Gaara can’t seem to concentrate today, so I’ll just have to use this little device.
Gaara: What is that?
Naruto: This thing? It controls your emotional state.
Gaara: Yeah, don’t zap me with that yet. Looks like you got it set to ‘extremely emo’.
Naruto: Oh, don’t want that. You’d probably kill yourself.
Gaara: No I wouldn’t. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Naruto: Oh, right, sand shield. Well you might try.
Gaara: I’ll just stand over here until you get that thing working.
Gaara (to audience): So, anybody gone to a good movie recently?
Saskue: Oh, come on it can’t be that hard.
Naruto: NOOO!!!
Naruto: You baka! That’s ultimate pain mode!
Gaara: This is even worse than that time I discovered what Kankuro does with all those girls he brings home! AAIIGGH!
Naruto: Is it as bad as when you discovered what Temari does with Shikamaru in her bedroom?
Gaara: AAIIIIIGGGGHHH! Please don’t remind me of that terrible day! I should have knocked first…..
Naruto: Now look what you’ve done, Saskue! You broke the hearts of millions of fan girls, including Sakura and Ino, when you joined Orochimaru, AKA Michael Jackson with ninja skills, and now you’re messing up Gaara’s mind more than it already is! You’re nothing but a second rate plot thickener!
Gaara: Okay, okay, think happy thoughts…..cookies…….chocolate chips……potato chips……lard for guts…..
Naruto: Would you be referring to Choiji?
Gaara: Choiji….right…..Choiji…he’s on the same team as Ino….and….Shikamaru! AAIIGGGHHHH!!!! Make it stop!
Saskue: Fine, fine, I’ll fix it…….
Gaara: Happy thoughts…..happy thoughts……sunshine…..a day at the beach….building sandcastles….eating ice cream…..having someone try to kick sand in my face and laughing at him…….laughing when I crush him like the pathetic insect he really is…..breaking Lee’s leg and arm…..KILL SASKUE!!!!!
Saskue (shocked): WHAT?!?!
Naruto: Goodbye Saskue. It’s been very nice knowing you.
Gaara (pointing at Saskue): You’re gonna get it now!
Saskue: Why should I be worried? I killed my older brother on my own; I should be able to handle…
Saskue: Oh, the pain! This is worse than when Orochimaru showed me what he meant by wanting my body! AAIIIGH!
Gaara: Suffer, fool!
Naruto: See! He’s back to his crazy old self again! You gotta help me turn him back to normal!
Kankuro: Umm…..we really can’t help you.
Naruto: WHAT!?!?
Temari: This is normal for him. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go paint my nails.
Naruto: You have to do something!
Kankuro: Do you know where I hid the cookies?
Gaara: Yeah.
Kankuro: Naruto, I cannot help you.
Saskue (weakly): Looks…like…I’m the last Uchiha…..ever…..
Naruto: Ok, now I just have to find a way to let Shukaku out…..
Gaara (coming to): Whu? Let Shukaku out? But I’ll start killing people…..
Naruto: No, that’s only if you go for a half possession. We’re going for the state where Shukaku can actually sing and dance….
Gaara: But wasn’t the point of me doing this instead of you not to destroy the building?
Naruto: Oh, good point……
Gaara: Hmmm….this isn’t going to work.
Naruto: Well, looks like I’m going to have to use my summoning jutsu…….
Gaara: Wait, that toad’s almost as big as Shukaku!
Naruto: I’m not summoning that one! There’s this little toad I keep summoning, and he does this crazy routine. He’s just like that little frog from Loony Tunes, with the hat and everything! Difference is, he actually sings in front of people!
Gaara: Well, where is he?
Naruto: Well, that’s the thing…..I never know where he is when I summon him.
Toad: Wribbit.
Naruto: Oh there he is!
Gaara: Is he going to dance?
Toad: Wribbit.
Gaara: How about I go back there and figure out how to let Shukaku out while you figure out how to make that toad dance.
Naruto: Yeah…sounds like a plan.
Toad: Wribbit.
Naruto: Come on! How about if I give you some giant bugs if you dance for these folks?
Toad: Wribbit.
Naruto: Wow, didn’t expect that to work…
Naruto: Dear Shino Abrume, I promised this toad some big bugs, so please spare a few, because I can beat the crap out of you. Sincerely, Naruto Uzumaki. PS. Hey, I rhymed!
Naruto: Ok, see that dude down there with the shades? Just give this note to him, and you’ll get your bugs.
Naruto: Gaara! Did you figure out how to let Shukaku out without killing us all?
Gaara: Yes actually I have: First, use Saikou Zettai Bougyo Shukaku No Tate to create a large, Shukaku shaped sand figure. Then, just transfer Shukaku to the large sand figure!
Naruto: You can do that?
Gaara: Yeah! It’s like when I transfer Shukaku to my gourd to keep him from gnawing at my mind. But he still doesn’t let me sleep….
Naruto: Well, this is great! Are you going to do it or what?
Gaara: Actually, I did it backstage…..Shukaku’s on his way back up. Might take a while.
Naruto: Wow. Shukaku’s not very fast is he?
Gaara: No. With that beer belly of his, he makes Choiji look anorexic.
Gaara: So, got any new jutsus that might be amusing?
Naruto: No, but last week Neji confessed he uses his Byakugan to see through women’s clothing.
Gaara: Why am I not surprised?
Naruto: I guess we all knew he did it, but no one could ever prove it.
Gaara: Hey, you think Hinata looks at you with her Byakugan?
Naruto (coming to a realization): Oh…….
Gaara: So last week, I was looking up Tanuki, because that’s what Shukaku is, on the web, right? Wound up on wikipedia…
Naruto: Yeah, most web searches lead there…..
Gaara: I’m reading the article, and it says that Tanuki have extremely large testicles.
Naruto: Really? Never saw Shukaku’s…..
Gaara: Must’ve been a decency thing. Anyhow, it went on to say that Tanuki were often portrayed with their testicles slung over their backs.
Naruto: Are you saying your gourd represents your TESTICLES!?!?
Gaara: That’s a definite possibility.
Gaara: I didn’t always have this gourd though. A long time ago, it was just a simple bag of sand. But when I went to the chunnin exams, I wanted something….
Naruto: That would impress the ladies more?
Gaara: No, something that would be more intimidating. I don’t even think the ladies like the gourd……
Naruto: Oh, don’t say that. Hey, all you ladies in the audience, who thinks the gourd is sexy!?!?
Gaara: How many of you ladies are shaped like the gourd?
Naruto: Well, there you have it.
Shukaku: Unmerciful Demons of Hell….I don’t care what they say about me….but those stairs are evil! EVIL! EEEEVVILLLLLL!
Naruto: Oh, it looks like Shukaku’s here! You’ll be cool from here, right?
Gaara: Yeah, I’ll be fine.
Shukaku: This should be fun.
Gaara: What the hell are you doing?
Shukaku: Um…..using my Fuuton Renkuudan, what does it look like I’m doing?
Gaara: I know you’re using the Fuuton Renkuudan, but what the hell are you doing?
Shukaku (lowering arm): Okay, I’ve got the brain power of a drunken teenager, so can you phrase that simpler?
Gaara: GAH! See, this is the problem: your drunken demeanor means you can’t understand something as simple as ‘don’t bloody mutilate the little girl’!
Shukaku: Oh what are you complaining about?
Gaara: It’s because of you that I can never get a date!
Shukaku: Oh, come on Gaara, we both know girls have cooties! Do you want to have bugs crawling all over you like that Shino guy?
Gaara: I’m 15.
Shukaku: Oh…..Well, the last 2 guys I possessed were terrible with women, and had their hearts broken left and right. I really didn’t want to see that happen to you……
Gaara: So you condemn me to an eternally lonesome existence!?!?!
Shukaku: *sighs* Come on little buddy, remember all the good times we had together! Walking up to the school bully and taking his cookies….beating up those assassins….. Crushing them until their organs squirted out like chunky ketchup…
Gaara: Yeah, you know what Naruto was doing when I was crushing assassins until their organs squirted out like chunky ketchup? He was making friends and stuffing his face with Ramen! He wasn’t trying to kill himself, or fending off assassins his own father sent after him, or being hated by every single human that knew his name!
Shukaku: Wow, I’m running out of comebacks……
Gaara: You know, it’s very tempting to just let the Akatsuki take you.
Shukaku: Oh come on…..you don’t mean that, do you?
Gaara: I mean everything I say.
Shukaku: Wow….. You really do hate being you. So much so, that you overlook all the benefits….
Gaara: Benefits?
Shukaku: You’ve only felt physical pain, what, once in your entire life?
Gaara: Well, I suppose that might compensate for the emotional damage…..
Shukaku: And you never need to sleep! You can go to all the late night parties you want…..and then some!
Gaara: Except I never get invited to parties…….
Shukaku: Gaara, I think you don’t realize what you’ve got in me so why don’t just stand back and meditate while I elucidate the possibilities.
Lyrics, as sung by Shukaku:
Well your sister’s got an awesome rack
Kankuro’s puppets got a thousand nails
But Gaara you in luck 'cause on your back
you got a sand defense that never fails
Pain is what you’ll never know
and you’ll cause it when you’re bored
just use Sabaku kyuu, Sabaku sousou!
See all you gotta do is pop that gourd
And I'll say
Mister Gaara, sir
who will your victim be?
Let me kill that sucker
Take him down
You ain't never had a friend like me
No no no
Life is your dinner date,
I’ll pay your hidden fee!
C'mon whisper who it is you hate
You ain't never had a friend like me
Yes sir, I pride myself on sadism
You're the boss
The kage, the man
Say who you hate
They’re dead! First rate
How about a little more blood red sand?
Give them some Suna Bunshin
Crush them with Ryuusa bakuryu
I'm in the mood to kill some dudes
You ain't never had a friend like me
Weiweiwei
Saikou!
Weiweiwei
Zettai!
Weiweiwei
Bougyo!
Shukaku No Tate!
Can Uchihas do this?
Do Hyuugas do that?
Does Rock Lee pull this out of his little hat?
Can Naruto go, poof?
Well, looky here
Can Kyuubi go, Fuuton Renkuudan, let’er rip!
And then make the sucker disappear?
So don’t just sit there, black rings around your eyes
I'm here to answer all your deathly prayers
You got my guarantee, certified
You got a tanuki for your bloody affairs
I got a powerful urge to take people out
So who to kill? I really wanna know
You got a hit list that's three miles long, no doubt
Well, all you gotta do is frown like so - and oh
You, Gaara, sir, have a foe or two or three
I'm on the task, you big badass
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend
You ain't never had a friend like me
You ain't never had a friend like me, hah!
Shukaku: Well, are we happy now?
Gaara: Sure.
Shukaku: Huzzah! Now we shall go backstage and kill yaoi fangirls!
Gaara: I call the Lee fans!
