It's been a while and i needed a semi-private place to vent.
literally what is wrong with me.
My sexuality is like a freakin rollercoaster, I can't figure myself out. Lately I've identified and ace...... but sometimes I still get this insane urge to be w someone and experience what my friends are experiencing. Its not like I crave //hanky panky// but i crave the experience, the rite of passage, and well..... I just am not really sure what I want to be honest. But I know one thing: every time im into someone, i second guess the shit out of myself and convince myself that i'm not really into them. And also, they literally ALWAYS have a gf/bf already so like whats the point. WHATS THE FCKN POINT.
Theres a guy from summer and we were talking i think probably not even, im just crazy and idk I just really miss his presence even though he is so far from someone I generally hangout with i kinda liked thinking I could be a part of a crowd that wasnt my standard.
Theres a guy from japan who idk if i even really like or if he even likes me, bc he has a gf and I know he loves her, and i honestly dont want anything from him but like idk what to make of my feelings sometimes and what if I like him? there i said it. Maybe i do maybe i dont but it doesnt matter because this is the last month i will ever see him.
im fucked man fuck
i only like straight sporty girls so no dice there either.
there is literally like two pieces of haikyuu fanwork on this site wOW WOW wow wow
bullshit ;-; so slept on DONT SLEEP ON HAIKYUU GUYS
She ran through the halls, screaming and swinging. Glass splintered in window frames and littered the floor in her wake. I ran after, glass crunching under my shoes. I couldn't catch up no matter how hard I tried. I yelled for people to help me, to catch her and bring her down. I wanted her to stop but nobody else cared.
I came to a stop at a door. I saw her shadow in the night. She stood on the roof, facing him with the bat clenched in her fist. I was poised and ready to swing that door open, but I didn't. I wasn't sure if I couldn't... or if I wouldn't.
In the end, i left. She slept and he stayed.
I walked back, alone. A girl tried to talk to me, but I pushed her away. As I walked, I heard a dog. I reached out to it but it bit me.
"A dog bite or his scratch in a dream means harm caused by one’s enemy and its effects will depend on the amount of pain one suffers in the dream. It could also mean falling sick or suffering from great affliction or harm caused by a close companion or a servant. "
"if you dream that you are bitten by dog, it can mean that you feel as if you have been betrayed. Despite your best efforts to remain loyal to your friends and companions, you are being spurned for your fidelity."
" Dogs in dreams deal with friendship and loyalty. Hearing dogs bark in your dream may represent damaging gossip in your life. Being bitten by a dog indicates you may be dealing with a guilty conscience. The dog is also a dream symbol for instict. Being attacked by a dog may suggests you may be acting too much on impulse - think before you act. "
Goals are important. You can't live life with out them, i guess. But too many just get in the way.
I want to reach my goals and I want to be ambitious but when I get discouraged, I find it hard to strive for them. I find myself becoming more and more indifferent.
Inspiration comes in short bursts. Security and happiness are delicacy's I feel like I can't afford. I just want to work harder and stop hurting and disappointing and lying and pretending.
I want to trust and open up. I have walls, and no doors. I isolate myself, projecting what I think people want to see. Nobody knows who I am. I don't know who I am.
My dreams and hops arent dreams and hopes but merely convenient paths chosen at random. I'm lazy.
I don't have time for friendships and boys. I don't have time to be normal or happy, because I'm working toward artificial happiness. Instead of breaking down my walls, I'm building a facade.
I push people away with harsh words and angry, the products of fear.
I want people to like me.
Talk to me.
Talk about me.
Think about me.
But I don't have time to do the same.
I am a liar. The worst kind. I know what I do. I do it anyway.
Hey There :)
Today, I got to see my friend from high school, Sol. He lives in Korea and comes to school here. He's a senior and graduating from my high school this june and i must say, I'm really really proud of him. He's such an amazing artist, all i can hope for is that people believe me when I tell them I tie dyed three times with him when we were kids.
I don't know if I've ever properly posted about it before, as opposed to just making incomprehensible noises at this website, but I he's a really cool person and I regret not working harder to be friends with him. To be honest, I ~like(d)~ him... more than I thought I did, considering we weren't very close... but we were close enough. Unfortunately, I tried to pretend I didn't, until Alex smacked me into reality months ago, after I'd gone to college. It was weird, at first being honest with myself and admitting to the baby crush that was actually kind of annoying (still is...). Probably because it was much to late to actually act on it, so it was wasted. Thats the annoying part.
It was also weird, missing him and trying to tell myself I shouldn't.... which is weird bc its fine to miss a friend. Totally normal....
But, I missed him a lot... and complained about it a lot, till Alex was like "Just admit you like the damn boy." It's funny, I guess. And stupid on my part. And I guess I entertained the crush for a little, at school. But we didn't talk much after I graduated, and I was hellbent on not texting or messaging him, for some reason I guess I was embarrassed and convinced I was going to bother him.
Slowly, I got better at being ok with my silly crush, and it became more like a "If things were different I would like u" kind of thing. Eventually, I started talking to him again.... It made me really happy. Like really happy. It was so normal, and I felt so stupid for not talking to him more, and for being a coward. But, with him graduating and leaving my hometown, basically for good, I knew there was literally no reason for me to be thinking bat ~~things. So I didn't... And it was great! haha
I started liking this other guy, and before I knew it, and with a lot of intervention from my wonderful friends, we started dating.
But, my crush - whatever you call it - didn't really go away. I have no desire to start anything with sol, i'm really really happy with haoran.... but, the feelings don't go away over night. And It's just a little weird, saying goodbye, even if we didn't say it. I know it's pretty much goodbye.
That's about it. Or at least, all I have the patience to write, now.