Goals are important. You can't live life with out them, i guess. But too many just get in the way.
I want to reach my goals and I want to be ambitious but when I get discouraged, I find it hard to strive for them. I find myself becoming more and more indifferent.
Inspiration comes in short bursts. Security and happiness are delicacy's I feel like I can't afford. I just want to work harder and stop hurting and disappointing and lying and pretending.
I want to trust and open up. I have walls, and no doors. I isolate myself, projecting what I think people want to see. Nobody knows who I am. I don't know who I am.
My dreams and hops arent dreams and hopes but merely convenient paths chosen at random. I'm lazy.
I don't have time for friendships and boys. I don't have time to be normal or happy, because I'm working toward artificial happiness. Instead of breaking down my walls, I'm building a facade.
I push people away with harsh words and angry, the products of fear.
I want people to like me.
Talk to me.
Talk about me.
Think about me.
But I don't have time to do the same.
I am a liar. The worst kind. I know what I do. I do it anyway.
Hey There :)
Today, I got to see my friend from high school, Sol. He lives in Korea and comes to school here. He's a senior and graduating from my high school this june and i must say, I'm really really proud of him. He's such an amazing artist, all i can hope for is that people believe me when I tell them I tie dyed three times with him when we were kids.
I don't know if I've ever properly posted about it before, as opposed to just making incomprehensible noises at this website, but I he's a really cool person and I regret not working harder to be friends with him. To be honest, I ~like(d)~ him... more than I thought I did, considering we weren't very close... but we were close enough. Unfortunately, I tried to pretend I didn't, until Alex smacked me into reality months ago, after I'd gone to college. It was weird, at first being honest with myself and admitting to the baby crush that was actually kind of annoying (still is...). Probably because it was much to late to actually act on it, so it was wasted. Thats the annoying part.
It was also weird, missing him and trying to tell myself I shouldn't.... which is weird bc its fine to miss a friend. Totally normal....
But, I missed him a lot... and complained about it a lot, till Alex was like "Just admit you like the damn boy." It's funny, I guess. And stupid on my part. And I guess I entertained the crush for a little, at school. But we didn't talk much after I graduated, and I was hellbent on not texting or messaging him, for some reason I guess I was embarrassed and convinced I was going to bother him.
Slowly, I got better at being ok with my silly crush, and it became more like a "If things were different I would like u" kind of thing. Eventually, I started talking to him again.... It made me really happy. Like really happy. It was so normal, and I felt so stupid for not talking to him more, and for being a coward. But, with him graduating and leaving my hometown, basically for good, I knew there was literally no reason for me to be thinking bat ~~things. So I didn't... And it was great! haha
I started liking this other guy, and before I knew it, and with a lot of intervention from my wonderful friends, we started dating.
But, my crush - whatever you call it - didn't really go away. I have no desire to start anything with sol, i'm really really happy with haoran.... but, the feelings don't go away over night. And It's just a little weird, saying goodbye, even if we didn't say it. I know it's pretty much goodbye.
That's about it. Or at least, all I have the patience to write, now.
I'm home from college, carrying a 3.8 cumulative GPA and a lot of responsibility :O
I'm happy to say that I'm in a relationship :) I know my previous posts have been incomprehensible tiny snippets of my mind, but thank you for following them. Haoran is currently in China, and I'm very excited to see him again in august. We've been together three weeks on sunday, I know it's not long but I'm still excited >.< we are goofballs, that's for sure.
Chinese boys aside, I'm glad to be home and free. :) Cant wait to see my friends, write some good shorts, and make some great art :D If you have prompts or requests, PM me :)
hi yes, one plane ticket to china plz
started dating a guy today....the guy???? hahaha he's cute. but leaving for china in two weeks... DX see u next sem babe ;-;
Have you ever wanted to kiss someone so badly, that you just freakin HATE them for it? and you just KNOW there is no chance. And you think wow my friends r celebrating their ____ year anniversary.... hAHhHA i will never have the chance for a 1 month anniversary with so and so and you just GET SO FRUSTRATED
don't go back to china
please please please don't go back to korea