So I bought a pair of size 8 pants, and a size S shirt. (It's actually XS, but it's SUPER stretchy, so, I just count it as a S.) I got them because I could put them on, but, I look bad in them; and I look pictures of my front, back, side, and side with arm down, in the outfit so I could- at the end of the year or so- take new pictures in the same outfit to see if I made my goals. Yeah! *nervous* I really hope I keep working my butt off. I still do a lot of the stuff I've been doing, and I can tell. :D *sohappy* Especially in how "wide" I am- the width of my body. ^^;
Also, just as an extra note, Pandora Radio and Crunchy Roll are big parts of my "TV" watching now. XD
I just wanted to do a new post before the new year, because, I am too lazy to pick up a pen and write in my journal. Not like anyone reads these, I just like having little things about myself floating around to go look back on and see if I actually managed to change and grow up a bit; also, if I actually accomplished more with college... ^^;
I am getting smaller and smaller. I don't really loose a lot of pounds as much as inches making my pants size go down a little bit every other month, but no complaining there. I do weight lifting and can pretty much lift 50 lbs. ^_^ ...These things are always good to remember when I have a binge attack with some kind of junk food or candy. And the binging is now half as often as it used to be- heck yeah! I have only lost a little more than half the weight I want to, so, I'm telling myself that I just have to keep on keepin' on with that whole mini form of hell. *cry* DX
With college, I'm going to list what I have left according to what's listed in the college catalog to get my Associates Degree with a major in Art: English 2, Gov. 1, Gov. 2, Art History 1, Art History 2, & a Science class. (I took Chem. 1 and passed it because the professor gave everyone a B; so, I actually should of failed it, and now I need a second class to be done with Science... *cry*) It's been since 2010- 3 semesters into being at college- since I've been a full time student, and remembering that makes me feel a tad bit better about not having transferred to get my four year degree yet... But I always end up having to repeat classes no matter how many hours I take, so, then I still feel bad 'cause it's already about to be 2014 and no 2 year degree. Sh*t.
With doing artwork, it comes and goes. Seriously, I have no passion anymore. I think I will again when I'm not in my parents' place, but at this point, I'm just too frustrated about more important stuff to worry about art. It's a shame too, I use to improve pretty noticeably through out a single year, but, I just think I'm in a long funk because of stress...
SO YEAH: loose the rest of the weight, keep it off, and get a very toned body- a little more muscular than most would care for on a chick, but IDGAF; and finish Jr. College with a Degree by the end of Summer Semester 2 in 2014. ...Pretty much a continuation of 2013's goals... I don't have a job like I did then though, and the parentals' don't expect me to get another one until I'm out of their house. I'll make my time much more productive once on the class' schedule; and won't have restrictions because of shifts... I always pray to God, "Please help me, help myself; be more forgiving, calm, nice, and less anything negative. Protect us from all that is harmful, and keep me running full speed towards my many, many goals- no matter how frustrated I get. I pray for more self-discipline, and self-love. Amen." (Or something along those lines when I'm stressed or not feeling too good.)
Apparently, I love skirts. O_O; I didn't even KNOW this about myself, but I've managed to build up quite the collection. Lol, I doubt I'll wear pants except when necessary when I loose the weight I'm slowly managing to... ^_^ I can't wait! I also can't wait until this semester is over, try to get more hours at work, and then put an application for somewhere else and quit my current job. (I'm sick of that place; they treat me like crap. Didn't know I'd be on the bottom when I've been there the second-longest out of the people that are currently working there. DX<) But to Hell with that; I'm going to try to find a weekend-only job so I can shell out some decent grades. I ended up using my last two drops allowed of my college career this semester. I was saving those, but, I just didn't make it to four year college with them. *POOF* I didn't want my GPA to go down though, so, oh well. *cry* I think I put too much pressure on myself and in turn I stress the small stuff way more than I should. I just know I freak out and feel I can't do it, when I damn well know I can! I managed before, working for hours and hours until I got my papers done, I CAN DO IT. Geez, pitful. I'm just a big ol' mess...
I don't think I can wait until I am done with college, comics are the reason why I practiced so hard with sketching and wanted to major art in the first place. Sure, drawing and painting classes were fun, but, I miss the feeling of putting stories into comic-format. It was so fun. I recently looked through my "stash" of comic ideas and random character ideas... and it was fun to remember the passion I had to just come up with stories. I use to never be on the internet except to look at art for an hour, or up to four hours even, and I just wanted so badly to draw comics. I never thought of college until I was a junior in high school. I'm struggling so hard with that, but, you know, I won't regret having some sort of degree- 2 year and possibly 4 year. Just having that will make the time wasted, not feel wasted. I just need to do comics when I can and not feel like I'm not allowed to do them anymore even though I'm taking classes. Comics used to be my outlet, and I miss them so...
MAN, have I caught the comic-making ITCH! I just reallllly want to work on something to help with my up and down/off and on depression. (Heh. ^^;) I actually HAVE looked at the hand-full of series I had started, one of them called Purgatory I just barely posted some sketches and never did any actual pages... With W.ake U.p C.all the only feedback I got told to work on was my writing, on SmackJeeves.com, and I just went on hiatus with it. (Which is what Purgatory was going to be- W.U.C. redone and rewritten.) Artist's Block was SUPPOSE to keep me in a comic-making mood when I was suffering actual artist's block and I was just going to fun and silly with it; but then, that never happened. :( I just kinda completely STOPPED with everything other than art work for classes. I regret it, but my professor told me that drawing anything cartoon-y would mess me up and be harder to teach me, so I just followed thru with it; and to not let my hobbies interfere with him by getting him frustrated seeing any non-realisticness bleed through... I made better grades because of it, but, before my passion for wanting to draw comics/manga pretty much died, I suffered for awhile, (a LONG while). The sad thing is, I'm still struggling with more than 5, less than 10, college credits, (at freakin' Jr. College). I'm ashamed really. It's sad. Just plain sad. But, I've gotten used to spending my time differently, so, this is harder to think about than it should be. Now I've forgotten how to relax in my parents' home and feel like I've done almost NOTHING productive with school in the whole year. (I got one B last semester, woo. -_-;) ...Yeah, I'm pretty much not batting to go on to four year college at this point. I'm just praying to God that I won't keep on screwing myself up with each semester I struggle thru. I have such a hard time just concentrating. *heavy sigh* I say it's my depression, but I know it's more of me trying not to out-right give up. I am too close to give up, but not close enough to be like, "there's the finish line!" I'm a couple of laps from the finish line. I keep retaking classes I sucked at the first go-round. Making them more expensive. Making me feel more guilty every semester I go when my parentals pay for it. I think I just want to help my bf get his crap together, and just tag along with his plan, get engaged, and move away with him, and finish college after I'm out of my home. Sounds stupid, but, I'm not comfortable where I am- my parentals' house- and I always feel like a loser when I have such little good news to tell them when the semester is over. I'm actually about to use up the last two drops I'm allowed to this semester, which means I've ACCOMPLISHED no new credits before 2013 is over. Pathetic. Used ALL my drops at freakin' Jr. College. Lord, help me help myself! Sometimes I have such a hard time with even getting up in the morning at the START of a semester. Shoot, I haven't taken 12 or more credit hours in over 2 years now. Geez. *shakes head* I always remind myself that my parentals want me to do good, and believe in me, but, I don't really see why at this point. I just tell them I'll try and hurry up with my 2 year degree so I can move out. I don't think that makes them happy; but, it makes me feel like addressing the truth is better than acting all smile-y and lying about doing well until the very end and I have to show them my grades. *uuuugh* I don't save over half of each of my gas-station pay checks either. I spend it on clothes I've always wanted. Which is stupid. Really stupid considering that I should save as much as possible with the minimum-wage future I'm going to have; and right now I'm not paying any living-expenses or bills, I should be taking advantage of that and SAVE, SAVE, SAVE; but I don't. Not nearly enough. I got a lot considering my border-line clothing and manga addiction. (Some paychecks don't make it more than 4 days. What the heck is wrong with me?) I blame my depression and the fact that this is my first actual job; but I've had it over 2 years now. That shouldn't cut it in my own mind, but, it does. (Freakin' unbelievable.) But when I feel so good and have a natural "high on life" feeling, I just go have fun; and see a couple a movies a month, travel to a some certain cities, eat out a few times a month, ect. One of my close friends isn't thinking much into the future either, but I should know better, since our family lives were much different in the past. We all suffer our own pains, but out of the two of us who talk and share almost everything, she had it worse. -_-; It's sad. We're sad. We're sad in our pathetic excuses of lives. So many people out there do so much better with the same circumstances. Hopefully, we get out of our long-term funks, get over our pains, and move on while becoming productive and happy people. ...But cartoons like Foamy, anything Sexual Lobster has done, a lot of other NewGround.com users too, and the web-comic-gone-published-by-DarkHorse Comics- Mega Tokyo, give me some sort of hope. Some sort of wonderfully-illogical hope that I can manage with enough patience to get some of my own stories out there. The bf and I have 3 stories we are collabing with. (We are gonna work on them more, I HOPE! ^^;) And I have another handful that I'm willing to work on. (I sorted through the hundreds of pieces of pages- mainly scribbles and jotted-down story ideas/notes that I keep in a box. Yes, and actual pink box with a lid.) ...It's not like I'm popular on anything online- not even my facebook- so it's not like anyone will notice I'm not online as much. (In fact, I bet the less I share on facebook, the less people will delete me over time... *sheesh* Freakin' buttheads do the same crap but it's not okay when I do it, apparently. *hmph*) The comics I've started on here, I will work on them, as slow as I've ever had, and who knows, maybe I'll get in the grove for them again. (I highly doubt anyone will notice they're active again, but hey, I still have some sort of emotional attachment to the ones I've already posted some.) But, I am happy to have been able to have made a small stack of do-able comic ideas out of the 50+ I had thought up in the past. EEEEE, it makes me so happy! Pretty excited, until I think about stressful stuff..... (Heh heh?)