Apparently, I love skirts. O_O; I didn't even KNOW this about myself, but I've managed to build up quite the collection. Lol, I doubt I'll wear pants except when necessary when I loose the weight I'm slowly managing to... ^_^ I can't wait! I also can't wait until this semester is over, try to get more hours at work, and then put an application for somewhere else and quit my current job. (I'm sick of that place; they treat me like crap. Didn't know I'd be on the bottom when I've been there the second-longest out of the people that are currently working there. DX<) But to Hell with that; I'm going to try to find a weekend-only job so I can shell out some decent grades. I ended up using my last two drops allowed of my college career this semester. I was saving those, but, I just didn't make it to four year college with them. *POOF* I didn't want my GPA to go down though, so, oh well. *cry* I think I put too much pressure on myself and in turn I stress the small stuff way more than I should. I just know I freak out and feel I can't do it, when I damn well know I can! I managed before, working for hours and hours until I got my papers done, I CAN DO IT. Geez, pitful. I'm just a big ol' mess...
I don't think I can wait until I am done with college, comics are the reason why I practiced so hard with sketching and wanted to major art in the first place. Sure, drawing and painting classes were fun, but, I miss the feeling of putting stories into comic-format. It was so fun. I recently looked through my "stash" of comic ideas and random character ideas... and it was fun to remember the passion I had to just come up with stories. I use to never be on the internet except to look at art for an hour, or up to four hours even, and I just wanted so badly to draw comics. I never thought of college until I was a junior in high school. I'm struggling so hard with that, but, you know, I won't regret having some sort of degree- 2 year and possibly 4 year. Just having that will make the time wasted, not feel wasted. I just need to do comics when I can and not feel like I'm not allowed to do them anymore even though I'm taking classes. Comics used to be my outlet, and I miss them so...
MAN, have I caught the comic-making ITCH! I just reallllly want to work on something to help with my up and down/off and on depression. (Heh. ^^;) I actually HAVE looked at the hand-full of series I had started, one of them called Purgatory I just barely posted some sketches and never did any actual pages... With W.ake U.p C.all the only feedback I got told to work on was my writing, on SmackJeeves.com, and I just went on hiatus with it. (Which is what Purgatory was going to be- W.U.C. redone and rewritten.) Artist's Block was SUPPOSE to keep me in a comic-making mood when I was suffering actual artist's block and I was just going to fun and silly with it; but then, that never happened. :( I just kinda completely STOPPED with everything other than art work for classes. I regret it, but my professor told me that drawing anything cartoon-y would mess me up and be harder to teach me, so I just followed thru with it; and to not let my hobbies interfere with him by getting him frustrated seeing any non-realisticness bleed through... I made better grades because of it, but, before my passion for wanting to draw comics/manga pretty much died, I suffered for awhile, (a LONG while). The sad thing is, I'm still struggling with more than 5, less than 10, college credits, (at freakin' Jr. College). I'm ashamed really. It's sad. Just plain sad. But, I've gotten used to spending my time differently, so, this is harder to think about than it should be. Now I've forgotten how to relax in my parents' home and feel like I've done almost NOTHING productive with school in the whole year. (I got one B last semester, woo. -_-;) ...Yeah, I'm pretty much not batting to go on to four year college at this point. I'm just praying to God that I won't keep on screwing myself up with each semester I struggle thru. I have such a hard time just concentrating. *heavy sigh* I say it's my depression, but I know it's more of me trying not to out-right give up. I am too close to give up, but not close enough to be like, "there's the finish line!" I'm a couple of laps from the finish line. I keep retaking classes I sucked at the first go-round. Making them more expensive. Making me feel more guilty every semester I go when my parentals pay for it. I think I just want to help my bf get his crap together, and just tag along with his plan, get engaged, and move away with him, and finish college after I'm out of my home. Sounds stupid, but, I'm not comfortable where I am- my parentals' house- and I always feel like a loser when I have such little good news to tell them when the semester is over. I'm actually about to use up the last two drops I'm allowed to this semester, which means I've ACCOMPLISHED no new credits before 2013 is over. Pathetic. Used ALL my drops at freakin' Jr. College. Lord, help me help myself! Sometimes I have such a hard time with even getting up in the morning at the START of a semester. Shoot, I haven't taken 12 or more credit hours in over 2 years now. Geez. *shakes head* I always remind myself that my parentals want me to do good, and believe in me, but, I don't really see why at this point. I just tell them I'll try and hurry up with my 2 year degree so I can move out. I don't think that makes them happy; but, it makes me feel like addressing the truth is better than acting all smile-y and lying about doing well until the very end and I have to show them my grades. *uuuugh* I don't save over half of each of my gas-station pay checks either. I spend it on clothes I've always wanted. Which is stupid. Really stupid considering that I should save as much as possible with the minimum-wage future I'm going to have; and right now I'm not paying any living-expenses or bills, I should be taking advantage of that and SAVE, SAVE, SAVE; but I don't. Not nearly enough. I got a lot considering my border-line clothing and manga addiction. (Some paychecks don't make it more than 4 days. What the heck is wrong with me?) I blame my depression and the fact that this is my first actual job; but I've had it over 2 years now. That shouldn't cut it in my own mind, but, it does. (Freakin' unbelievable.) But when I feel so good and have a natural "high on life" feeling, I just go have fun; and see a couple a movies a month, travel to a some certain cities, eat out a few times a month, ect. One of my close friends isn't thinking much into the future either, but I should know better, since our family lives were much different in the past. We all suffer our own pains, but out of the two of us who talk and share almost everything, she had it worse. -_-; It's sad. We're sad. We're sad in our pathetic excuses of lives. So many people out there do so much better with the same circumstances. Hopefully, we get out of our long-term funks, get over our pains, and move on while becoming productive and happy people. ...But cartoons like Foamy, anything Sexual Lobster has done, a lot of other NewGround.com users too, and the web-comic-gone-published-by-DarkHorse Comics- Mega Tokyo, give me some sort of hope. Some sort of wonderfully-illogical hope that I can manage with enough patience to get some of my own stories out there. The bf and I have 3 stories we are collabing with. (We are gonna work on them more, I HOPE! ^^;) And I have another handful that I'm willing to work on. (I sorted through the hundreds of pieces of pages- mainly scribbles and jotted-down story ideas/notes that I keep in a box. Yes, and actual pink box with a lid.) ...It's not like I'm popular on anything online- not even my facebook- so it's not like anyone will notice I'm not online as much. (In fact, I bet the less I share on facebook, the less people will delete me over time... *sheesh* Freakin' buttheads do the same crap but it's not okay when I do it, apparently. *hmph*) The comics I've started on here, I will work on them, as slow as I've ever had, and who knows, maybe I'll get in the grove for them again. (I highly doubt anyone will notice they're active again, but hey, I still have some sort of emotional attachment to the ones I've already posted some.) But, I am happy to have been able to have made a small stack of do-able comic ideas out of the 50+ I had thought up in the past. EEEEE, it makes me so happy! Pretty excited, until I think about stressful stuff..... (Heh heh?)
I have the desire to quit my job, because my bosses are jerk-wads to me. The situation is pretty cliche' and even though I've been at that freakin' gas station for a little over two years, I'm having problems with them being rude and "talking down" to me, AGAIN.
I originally thought I would work there until I transfer to a different college, most likely for the Spring 2014 semester, BUT, I've talked to my bf, and finally my Ma after enough stuff happened, (I've tried talking to friends, but they just say, "that sucks" and change the topic without giving any advice or telling me what they would do if it was them), and my Ma told me that she would go down there with me, or without me if I prefer, just not to expect to keep my job after that happens... I told her I didn't want to get fired, but now, it has been only a week or so or more bad "treatment", and I couldn't care less at this point. I know I'm too old to have my Mommy doing stuff like this for me, but damn, they never really actually hear anything I say or listen to me for more than a few words. It's lame. They've also have complained about my clothes a couple of times. I don't even dress weird for work. Long shorts, (they don't have the AC on to were I can feel it on the weekends when they're out of town to their nice house in the big city), blue jeans, no make up or just mascara normally. I don't wear jewelry or have any other piercings but the traditional set in my ears. (ONE hole per ear, not even gauges.) I've still heard them speak to each other in their native language and one or two English words, like my name, and "outfit", and I've never just blown up at them or anything. I wore this long, plain brown skirt to work a few times, and the Mrs. Boss complained to Mr. Boss. (They're a married couple.) Customers never made any faces, neither did our "cleaning guy" that helps me lock up the store at closing time- he said I looked nice when he noticed the skirt- and apparently, they just don't like me wearing a skirt of any kind. It's weird, I feel they are acting rude to me, and I've been treated unfairly for a long time there. If another worker talks about me, (only one of us and the "cleaning guy" work at the same time for the evening shift), they start giving me crap. It's as if they never truly trust me, yet, for about six to eight months, I was opening the store every Sat. and Sun. while they were at their nice, city home. ...This situation is leaving me stressed, for the second time, but the only reason I even kept this job for so long was to have money for awesome clothes my parents would never buy me. (Mainly stuff from online.) It feels pretty sucky to get treated like this for the second time, and it is because a worker that has been there longer and before me is talking about me. The same situation, different person. I never confronted the first person, but, I hardly see the second person, and the bosses have pretty much decided that I'm crap. SO, I'll just have to either suck it up, which, I don't want to do anymore, or, have my Ma help me/confront them for me. And here I thought that everything was going to stay smooth after the first person that talked about me quit over a year ago. *shakes head*
-For Real!!! I use to be posting pic.s up a few times a month, now I'm totally out of habit to even draw... *sadness* Though, gotta say, I have enjoyed being in a relationship of 2 years now. :O It shocks me to even think how much we've been through- especially the fighting. XD I have become a different person ever since the bf and I have been together. (I'm lazier?! O_o;) My room is totally not organized anymore; and I always, ALWAYS want to dress up when we go somewhere out of town. (We live in a small town with nothing to do, or I would just dress up every day we're together... ^^;)
It's refreshing to go back and look at the past posts and art I've put up. -^_^- Also, on Aug. 13 I will have had my gas station job for 2 years; and this Fall semester marks my 4th year at college... *deeply inhales* MAN- that part- totally sucks! ('Cause I'm not kicking ass at college at all!!! DX<) I feel really ashamed of that too, BTW, but Ma reminds me never to call myself a loser. (And I tell that to my Darling too, since, he hasn't finished school by a semester or two of classes and gets depressed about it...)
...My weight loss goals are SLOWLY happening!!! :D (Progress is progress!) I'm hoping that by the end of 2014, I will be the healthiest and prettiest I've ever been! XD I, in all honestly, want to be a goth model, but, I'm too old to start out now, and I wouldn't be willing to do any dying to my hair. (I'm a natural blonde, so that'd ruin it after a few times and make me cry and regret it so much.) SO that's not going to happen anyways... *dies a little* I really love a lot of the fashion that goes under 'goth' since I've been reading manga as a young teen; though my tastes have become WAY less picky as I'm in my early 20's and I'd just love to wear as many of those kinds of things before I'm too old! DX (Yes, I'm practically freaking out about my age because I've been trying SO hard to loose weight since Fall 2008!!! I managed to loose 50 pounds, but then I regained 30 of them back. GEEZ! The relationship's wonderful dinner-dates and college stress is to blame on that one, yeah? Not really, I just didn't have self control after I got in a relationship with a fat guy. He always showed me a good time though! ...We are both re-learning self control and working out every week day- AGAIN. Ugh! Also, we have been Vegetarians since February! Barely any cheating on that, and he's lost about 30 pounds; I'm happy for him! ^_^ <3)
Lol, but anyways, I totally want to learn how to animate and voice act, so I can do it once I have a job/career on my free time. (Catching up and re-watching "Foamy The Squirrel" has reminded me of this passion; as well as the whole of "New Grounds"- Lol!)
ALSO, I really want to get back into the purely passion-driven urge to draw comics again! *heart beats fast* I MISS IT- SO MUCH!!! Though, not gonna lie, I might not even bother with the old ones until actual ideas directly for those comics come to mind. I really loved how much I enjoyed drawing them, or I wouldn't even worry about it; but hopefully, learning more about life will help me create more captivating stories to read and make them easier to write! *crosses fingers* I mean, it doesn't hurt to try, right? :O ...Hopefully, when I live a few towns- or more- away from home in a dorm, I'll use comics as an outlet when I get stressed out with college. I mean, there won't be a TV in each room or anything, so it'll be easier to concentrate on it without it feeling like it's not entertaining... right? *stays hopeful*
My life right now is like a house wife who works part time. The bf lives only five minutes away- for now- and so we eat most meals together. He cooks, I clean, if one of us has work that day, they leave. Then we meet up at my Parentals' house again, eat again, and say good night after a little bit of TV. This cycle continues on that way 95% of the time... It would make me depressed if we never went anywhere, but we do about once every two years- or more- so I'm happy. :) I'm buying too many clothes though. I own over 50 shirts and 50 pants. O_o My room is like a closet with a bed, desk, and a TV in it. It makes me claustrophobic as HELL! *cries* I HATE being in there alone even though being in the living room means my Ma will practically 'hover' around me. I swear, I DO clean my room; I just have a lot of clothes that I got to loose at least 20 pounds to be able to get rid of... I know you're not suppose to, but I totally buy things that don't quite close but I fall in love with. ._. It's motivating me better than anything else though!!! (Except my health, I totally am doing it for that reason FIRST, and to fix my self-esteem SECOND.) I just really have TOO many dreams. REALLY. I'm like all over the place with what I want to do and accomplish. I really want to animate, voice act, act act (lol), sing, dance, model, draw "graphic novels", write novels, design fashion, sew clothes, play music- violin, piano, guitar, you name it; OH MAN- there's just SO MUCH I want to do with this life!!! <3 <3 <3 ...And then I get depressed. Or something scary happens in the world; and I start thinking about WW3 or nuclear attacks, terrorism... just too many things. Also about how the gov. is allowing more and more terrible stuff to be put in, on, and just plain BE our food! *freaks out* I'm following a lot of "fitblrs" on "tumblr" and I just know almost too much... ^^;
Ah, I'm making this entry way too long; eh, no one's even gonna read this anyways... Not even gonna kid myself; but sometimes, it's easier to do a journal by typing it instead of hand-writing it. Lol, reminds me of the movie "Julie & Julia" based on a time when blogging actually caught people's attention. What a long time ago that was. O_O;
P.S. May I one day do AT LEAST a few of my goals well!!! *crosses fingers*