OK, my weekly movie post is getting a little shake-up this week. Due to various shenanigans after the Movie Sign chat this past Sunday, this post is officially Horrifyingly Amazing Movies Week, sponsored by Fasteriskhead. Every movie I watched this week is a genuine candidate for the So Bad That It's Good tag. I have to say, I had a blast watching each of them, although some were more scarring than the others.
But enough of that! Let's get to the movies.
Creating Rem Lezar (1989): The English language was not built to describe horrors such as this, but I will give it my best shot. This movie follows a little misogynistic jerkoff named Zack who hates all adults because they won't let him stay up past his bedtime or something. I don't know. One day he meets a girl named Ashlee. Because she actually sort of has a brain (nobody in this movie is completely competent), they share nothing in common -- except their love of a creepy, pedophilic superhero named Rem Lezar. Zach and Ashlee steal a mannequin, and through The Power of Imagination, they infuse this mannequin with the spirit of Rem Lezar. However, he has only a limited lifespan; that is, unless Zach and Ashlee can find the Quixotic (?!?!) Medallion, which is the source of Rem Lezar's creepy, kiddie-fiddling powers, I suppose. Miguel de Cervantes is rolling in his grave as I type these words.
Did I mention that this is also a musical? Yeah. Just what the movie industry needs -- a singing 30-ish pedophilic superhero with a blue mullet. Awesome. DC and Marvel are kicking themselves because they didn't think of this first.
I cannot speak much about the song quality, because I was too busy being terrified by the situations. For example, in one scene it is made horribly clear that Rem Lezar spends a night in a shack sleeping with his arms around Zack and Ashlee. Yes, you read correctly. You can stop rubbing your eyes in confusion. After that comes an insane pseudo-parody of West Side Story, with a black guy whom the producers had to have blackmailed, because no brother in his right mind would ever appear in this.
Also, the (apparent) villain in all of this is a floating, pixelated head named Vorock who taunts and torments the children with his nightmarish appearance but never actually does anything. Way to collect an easy paycheck, Vorock.
I cannot in good conscience describe the rest of the movie, because it must be seen to be believed. However, I would like to expand upon a problem raised in the credits. This movie is backed by the Rem Lezar Corporation. Yes, Rem Lezar seemingly has his own company. I feel as if my personal terrorist attack scale is at orange just by knowing this information. This movie was the company's only production, thankfully, but I am not completely convinced that Rem Lezar has disappeared for good. I can imagine him sitting, waiting, biding his time until the right moment ... waiting for children in need of superheroes ... and then ... ATTACK!!!!! This possibility frightens me, and I will not rest until the threat of Rem Lezar is put away for good.
Undefeatable (1994): Some of you may have already seen this remarkable fight scene from Undefeatable, but if you haven't, you should definitely watch it right now. Don't worry, I'll wait. (Warning: It has a pretty violent ending and features a lot of random, screaming masculinity.) OK, have you watched it? Good. Now, if you can believe it, the rest of the movie is actually more insane than that. I am not joking.
Sprung from the mind of the great Godfrey Ho, Undefeatable is about a cop, Nick DiMarco, who is hunting a serial killer named Stingray. As you can tell from the previous clip, Stingray is not all there. However, that only scratches the surface of his crazy. Stingray launches upon a string of rapes and murders after his wife leaves him, and he finally becomes totally unhinged. He targets young women who have red hair and wear flower print dresses, because these are the two most important identifiers of his wife, I guess. (That is one reason this movie could not be made today. You ever seen a young woman wearing a flower print dress? I sure as hell haven't.)
The girl with the broken arm in that fight scene is named Kristi Jones. She participates in illegal fights for cash so that she can help her sister through college, and she is dragged into this mess when Stingray kills said sister. (Amazingly enough, Kristi's sister actually out kung fus the guy she is with.) Kristi is at first reluctant to team up with Nick, because he is a big lunkhead, but eventually they get together to put Stingray to justice.
This movie is much better than I ever could have imagined, because every scene operates far beyond the boundaries of reality. (I have discovered this is a recurring theme with Mr. Ho's movies.) For instance, Undefeatable is not content with Stingray being a jealous, wife-obsessed murderer. He also has mother issues. So, while you are watching this, prepare yourself for sublimely awkward scenes in which Stingray mumbles things about his mommy, all culminating in a scene near the end that probably would have made Freud's head explode. To this day, I cannot believe it was actually filmed.
Without Stingray, though, you would not believe this is supposed to be a serious cop flick, because everyone else is goofy as hell. For instance, Kristi hangs out with a very strange cadre of Asian nobodies who never applied for college because their "IQs are too high! *high five*" (This running gag pays off, in a way, with the ending, in which Kristi reveals she enrolled them all in college, and then Nick says he enrolled Kristi in college. Just ... what.)
There is also a random scene in the middle that cracks me up whenever I think about it. This is the set-up: Stingray has already killed a few people. The higher-ups are on Nick's ass because the media are on their asses. One of Nick's cop buddies comes into the room and tells Nick he has good news and bad news. "Tell me the damn bad news first," Nick snarls. Another girl has died. It is a somber moment.
"What's the good news?" Nick asks.
"I got tickets to the big game tomorrow! Second row, in the middle!" Nick's buddy replies.
"All right!" Nick says, high-fiving his good friend.
...
There is absolutely no way we are not meant to laugh at that scene. No way. It is just too insane.
Other highlights include the fantastic opening scene with some truly amazing fight choreography, all of Kristi's fights against very seedy people (my favorite is the fight against Bear, who comes complete with his own white trash posse) and a heavily accented kung fu master coming in to the police station to describe different fighting styles Stingray may be employing. I give this movie my highest recommendation and implore you all to watch it. Unfortunately, the only copy of the movie I have seen online (the YouTube version) is missing the second part. That is 10 minutes of what I assume is pure gold, gone. I am honestly tempted to seek out the movie just so that I can see those 10 minutes.
Ninja Terminator (1985): OK. Everything you read about Undefeatable just now? Ninja Terminator tops it. Unbelievable, yet true.
Ninja Terminator follows a battle among various ninja entities who wish to secure the Golden Ninja Warrior, a statue that grants magical powers to those who wield it. (As far as I can tell, whatever piece you have renders the corresponding body part invulnerable to attack. If you have the right arm, for example, your right arm will be invincible.) Three ninja friends steal the three parts of the Golden Ninja Warrior at the beginning of the movie, and a criminal syndicate wants it back. They kill one of these ninja, but his piece of the Golden Ninja Warrior remains in the unknowing hands of his sister.
When Ninja Master Harry (yes, that is his name) catches wind of this, he hires his good friend, Jaguar Wong, to protect the vulnerable sister while Harry searches for the missing pieces of the Golden Ninja Warrior. Harry's buddy, Darren the Ninja, is also searching for the Golden Ninja Warrior. Darren is either pulling the strings all along, or just misunderstands which side Harry is on (the narrative is so shoddy and incoherent that I could not tell which). Either way, Darren ends up going against Harry in the end.
The movie title is quite accurate -- it delivers both ninja and termination. There are plenty of fight scenes involving people inexplicably donning ninja costumes in half a second and then throwing down. Expect lots of swords, shurikens and people crapping in the face of the laws of physics as they disappear in one spot and reappear in another. Also, their weapons function as gas shooters and flamethrowers. Again, Godfrey Ho's movies operate on a different level of reality.
Despite all the chop socky between the ninja, though, the REAL star of the movie is Jaguar f'n Wong. From what I have seen, he is the most legit badass, awesome character Godfrey Ho conceived. The guy is definitely one of the top 10 smuggest movie characters ever, and I mean that as a compliment. Every scene Jaguar appears in features him smiling in a cocky way, chewing gum in a cocky way, or both. He takes down ordinary fail ninja with ease and makes sure they know how much they suck before he sends them on their merry way. Jaguar makes it with an old friend, gets betrayed by her and then comes out on top, anyway, because he is Jaguar f'n Wong, and that's how he rolls. His Crowning Moment of Awesome has to be when he makes the most inexplicable escape in movie history. I can't even describe it, because I could never hope to do it justice (I am sure Fasterisk knows exactly what I am talking about, though). Even if the rest of the movie weren't completely absurd, it would be worth watching for Jaguar f'n Wong.
If you somehow don't buy the insanity of this movie, then check out these choice scenes: 1) The evil syndicate sends Harry a messenger robot, after which Harry receives a call on his Garfield phone. 2) Harry's wife cooks him his favorite dish, with a twist, and then the crabs rebel against her. Two notes about this scene: First, even Woody Allen in Annie Hall could have taken down those crabs, and second, Harry's smug smile as he helps his wife is utter gold. "*sigh* Women!" 3) The first five minutes of the movie, which features the ritual of the Golden Ninja Warrior. Watch these and be amazed.
Ninja Dragon (1986): Unfortunately, I do not think Ninja Dragon quite lives up to the insane heights set by Undefeatable and Ninja Terminator, but it does operate on an insanity all its own.
The movie is about an international banker/ninja (?!?!?!) named Ninja Master Gordon who gambles a bit on the side. He routinely beats his international friends and has apparently won a good deal of their property. This of course pisses off the British/Australian dude (the accent is so ridiculous that I cannot tell which he is supposed to be), who uses his vast criminal connections to exact revenge upon Gordon by murdering his business partner, a Chinese man named Ronald. There is also some sort of turf war between gangs led by Ronald's daughter, Phoenix, and Ronald's bitter rival, Fox Chan. Gordon hires his buddy Dragon to deal with the gangs while Gordon exacts vengeance upon those who killed Ronald. (I gather that a recurring theme of Godfrey Ho's collaborations with Richard Harrison, the actor who plays Gordon and Harry in Ninja Terminator, is Harrison's characters hiring people to do something while he does something else.)
Of the two, the gangster story is by far the most boring, so of course it takes up most of the screentime. Fortunately, it has its moments of inspired lunacy. Basically every time Fox Chan and the British dude interact over the phone is amazing. The British guy has his angry button pushed all the time, so he's constantly shouting and attempting to appear threatening. ("You get him! You get him, or I'll get you!") It does not always work, but you can't fault the guy for trying. He does have good cause to be angry, though, because Fox Chan is a completely inept crime lord. Every plan he pulls of fails spectacularly, and he is berated by the British guy before they move on to their next plan, which will also fail spectacularly. Rinse and repeat.
Oh, and did I mention the British dude is also a ninja? Yes, the gangster story connects with the ninja revenge story in the flimsiest way possible. After Gordon kills his way to the top, he confronts the British guy, who suddenly morphs into a ninja and engages Gordon in an epic battle against "That bastard!!" Gordon ("bastard" is one of the British dude's favorite words).
Meanwhile, the gangster side of things peters out in the most depressing way possible. A random member of the crime family (I can't remember his relation to them) has been trying to make it with Ronald's other daughter the entire movie. The only problem is this daughter has nothing but contempt for this sad sack son of a sad sack crime lord. Not even hiring two criminals to attack her while he pops out of nowhere and fends them off is enough to win her heart! To make matters worse, a valuable informant has been betrayed, which leads to this guy getting cut off from the family. He swears revenge. This is where the movie sinks into a black hole of nothingness. Phoenix and Dragon have fallen in love over the course of the movie and decide to get married. Just before the ceremony can begin, this ousted family member crashes the party and kills Phoenix with a gunshot to the back. "I told you I'd get revenge!" he snarls. Then he turns around and his shot through the heart by Dragon. Everyone cries, and the gangster story comes to a close. Not even the battle between Gordon and British Dude can make up for that depressing plot turn, although it tries admirably.
Ninja Dragon isn't quite as enjoyable as Undefeatable and Ninja Terminator, but it has enough nuttiness and ninja action to be worth watching.
On the queue for this week: Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (2006) and Rumble Fish (1983)
Total movies: Total Movies: 37 (Gaslight, The Last King of Scotland, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, The Darjeeling Limited, This Film is Not Yet Rated, Diary of the Dead, Bullets Over Broadway, Interiors, Husbands and Wives, The Professional: Golgo 13, Lars and the Real Girl, Lolita, Quills, Hamlet, Iris, Manhattan Murder Mystery, The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra, The Savages, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, The Stranger, Love and Death, Harold and Maude, Spartacus, Scarlet Street, Sabrina, Zelig, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask), Stardust Memories, Barry Lyndon, Be Kind Rewind, Radio Days, Deconstructing Harry, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Creating Rem Lazar, Undefeatable, Ninja Terminator, Ninja Dragon)
