Yes, friends, there is an entire world of professional wrestling that you are completely unfamiliar with! That's were I, Flint, come in and break up your monotony! Here, I will say stupid things, write silly stories, and basically attempt to entertain you with all things related to the sport of kings. Enjoy!
- Created By Flint
TNA Impact Review- 11/12/09
I recently grew a pair of balls and sat down to actually watch TNA wrestling without doing the following:
*Changing the channel
*Leaving the room voluntarily
*Cursing at the television screen (although I did break this rule towards the end)
Here are my thoughts on what I saw:
-I am subjected to a video vignette hyping the ever-loving shit out of Hulk Hogan's arrival in TNA. Might as well be Christ of Nazareth. I remember this when they did it in WCW, and as I recall, it didn't pan out too well for them. What the Hell do I know, though? I'm an education major, not a wrestling booker. And did I see Vince Russo in the background? Working with the Hulkster? Hope that works out for ya, guys.
-We open tonight with, of all men, Super Dave Osborne, who seems to be guest booker, ala the guest host of WWE Raw. He chats it up with Mick Foley, who plugs his new book. Jay Lethal enters into the scene and asks who our super-special guest booker is. Way to kill your celebrity guest's star power, TNA.
-I'm happy to see Stevie Richards wrestling. I understand he's a doctor now, apparently. He's looking good. Daffney's looking better! Damn! Even with that crazy makeup, she's still smokin'!
Aw, dizzam!
-I loved Abyss' fashion sense. A homicidal masked nutjob in an early-90s-era grunge hoodie. I thought he was still a murderous-homicidal nutjob, and not a friendly-homicidal nutjob. Does that make sense? Who cares? It's TNA!
-Jim Neidhart has a match with Jay Lethal. It's a squash in Neidhart's favor. What's the point of this? Lethal could have used a victory over a veteran, and instead, they give the win to an old, crusty Neidhart. Place is looking more and more like WCW.
-A knockouts eight-woman tag match between ODB, Tara (formerly WWE's Victoria) and two other women whose names escape me versus Awesome Kong and three other women whose names escape me. It end when Awesome Kong powerbombs and pins a girl WHO WASN'T EVEN TAGGED IN. Vince Russo must have written this finish.
-Kurt Angle's five-o'clock shadow makes him look like the world's toughest and most unstable Broadway dancer. He is currently embroiled in a feud with TNA's newest acquisition, Desmond Wolfe (formerly ROH's Nigel McGuinness). McGuinness has shaven his head! No spikes! I'm happy to see McGuinness given a chance at the top, But seriously. Desmond Wolfe? What was wrong with "Nigel McGuinness"?
-We are given an X-Division six-man tag between the Amazing Red and the Motor City Machineguns against Kyoshi, Homicide, and Abdul Sashir (another of WWE's outcasts, this time Divari). I was impressed with the Amazing Red! Apparently, so was Super Dave, who was providing commentary at ringside. He. Was. FREAKING. F'ing HEARTS Amazing Red.
-Team 3D come out to the ring with Rhino. They start coming down on the young wrestlers, telling them they (being Team 3D) are not letting them take their lofty spots. D-Von is, unfortunately, not so slim, trim, lean, mean, rough, cut, slathered, smattered smothered, covered, chunked, chopped, diced, peppered or jacked, but rather looks to have put on a few pounds. I'd say the same for bubba, but let's face it, the guy was always fat.
-"Stutterin'" Matt Morgan's on TV! And he ain't stutterin' no more, kiddies! I don't care how many years ago that was, I'll never let him live that down. His overenthusiastic promo for ADHD awareness in which he talks about his fight with the problem does not help his case. Seriously, I was waiting for a punchline, and was seriously surprised when it was revealed to be a serious advert.
-It's good to see Styles, Joe, and Daniels main eventing a pay-per-view for a world title. Good move, TNA. Let's see if they continue this.
-A few other things happened, but you know what? I really don't care. It's TNA, for God's sake.
All in all, it was okay. I had more fun with it than this week's RAW anyway. Nice to see TNA's making a valiant effort in pushing their talented youngsters. Then, I see Jay Lethal job to fucking Jim Neidhart, and I question my optimism.
-Flint
What I have learned from Professional Wrestling
I have watched pro wrestling in some form or another all my life. All I wanted to be when I was five years old was one of the Bushwackers. I thought, and still think, that Brian Pillman was off his rocker, but in a good way. I winced as I watched Mick Foley receive repeated chair shots to the head at the 1999 Royal Rumble. I, like many, freaking hate Vince Russo.
These hulking ogre-looking men were like uncles to me. I watched them battle on the side of good, to take down rotten cheaters, madmen with no regards to rules, and just plain evil rat bastards weekly. I saw those same good men turn into whining prima donnas, while the self-centered egotists and occult nutjobs turned into champions of the people at the drop of a hat. I've seen evil referees turn a blind eye to cheating, and seen men be pinned and defeated in matches they weren't even competing in.
Pro wrestling has taught me a lot about living. I live my simple collegiate life by tenants taught to me way back when, by teachers with names like "the Macho Man", "Big Daddy Cool", "the Japanese Buzzsaw", and "the Sexual Intellectual". For your benefit, friends, I'd like to share that knowledge with you now. Here are a few life lessons pro wrestling has taught me.
-First, as it pertains to foreign relations, if you aren't from the United States or Canada, you are a gross stereotype of your respective nation. British are all uppity and high-class, Germans are all harsh and militaristic, Middle Easterners are all rich and cartoonishly evil, and all Asian people are from Japan and wear funny pants. Furthermore, if you are Canadian and not good in the ring, you are most likely a Lumberjack or an Eskimo.
-No matter how devastatingly evil your actions are, no matter what you have said and done to the crowd, and no matter what you did to the good guys' car during the commercial break, the moment it is announced that you will be teaming with the good guys, the people will instantly love you.
-If you are from Samoa, nine times out of ten, you are a savage.
-The people love an asshole, a man who will insult everyone around him for no reason, hit opponents with foreign weapons, and take any advantage they can to win. Subsequently, the crowd hates a genuinely nice guy.
-If you have no physical skills, you can make up for this by speaking very well to the public and still win a match. If you have no physical skills and cannot speak very well, you can paint your face up in spooky patterns and wear outrageous clothing and still win matches. If you have no physical skills, cannot speak very well, and are no good at applying makeup, you can find someone who is good at these things, hang around them a lot, and still win matches.
-If you and your sibling begin teaming up to take on problems, you will have great success until you or your sibling becomes an egomaniac and leaves/ a member of the opposite sex comes between you/ you or your sibling becomes possessed by the evil occult madman you are acquainted with.
- While in combat, any weapon used against an opponent will hurt worse than a gunshot. This includes cookie sheets, plastic signs, empty aluminum beer cans, river water, the entire Gulf of Mexico, plush frankenstein toys, squeegees, grocery carts, open bags of flour, produce, boxes of saltine crackers, mittens, giant bags of popcorn, ect.
-Furthermore, if you are evil, there is a good chance a referee or members of law enforcement will never see your dastardly actions, so feel free to use those brass knuckles mid-match! If you are good, however, the referee will always stop you from doing things to get even with the bad guy and turn his back just long enough so the bad guy can commit his evil deed on you.
-If you do anything to help anybody, your boss will hate you and put you in scenarios where there is a high chance of you being hurt. Oh, yeah, forgot to mention this: you boss is a dick. He/she is always a dick.
-If you do not have a catch phrase, you are nobody.
-When you finally reach the pinnacle of your chosen profession, one of two things will happen. A monster of a man/ a really evil rat bastard will challenge you and destroy everything you hold dear, leading you on a road to revenge, or your ego will inflate like a balloon, and you will become an evil dick yourself.Either way, it's really not worth it to reach the top, gang.
There you have it. These ring warriors have imparted their wisdom on us, and it is our job to pass it along to the next generation. I only hope that we will have the greatness and the intestinal fortitude to carry through. Now if you'll excuse me-
Hey, look at this. The boss is announcing a tag match! Hey, I'm in! I wonder who I'll be teaming with! With my countless hours of volunteering at homeless shelters and helping the elderly and underprivileged kids, I'm sure he's picked a man just as good as I- waitaminute, Randy Orton? He's not good at all...
I... am... evil?
No. No! NO! NOOOO!
-Flint
The Texas Rattlesnake
I feel like I'm pandering to the mainstream or something. Last post was about the Rock, this one is about Steve Austin. Oh, well. I like Austin, sue me.
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin was the top name in pro wrestling in the late 90s, and going into the early part of this decade. He's played both face and heel roles at his pinnacle, and he's been spectacular at both. He wrestled his matches using a wild brawling style that,while not being as technically sound as guys like Dean Malenko and Chris Benoit, always made for a great bout. Above all else, any segment he appeared in, be it backstage, on the mic, or in the ring, just turned to gold.
Presented for the benefit of theO, here are a few shot of greatness from "the Bionic Redneck", Steve Austin.
This is a promo hyping the 2002 Royal Rumble. This was done during the height of the "What?" phenomenon Austin ushered in. He makes a shout-out to Whataburger, too. Texas pride!
Austin plays the heel in this promo, being confronted by Taz. It would have been cool to see these two have an actual match. Unfortunately, by this time, Taz had pretty much retired from in-ring action by this point.
After Wrestlemania X7, Austin became a "paranoid rattlesnake", desperately clutching his world title and keeping it around his waist at all cost. During this time, he and Kurt Angle competed in a childish war for the attention of Vince McMahon. These segments are all great, with both men playing the "non-sibling rivalry" role to perfection. Here, Angle tries to calm Vince down with song after Austin has failed to do so.
This is not only one of my personal favorite Austin segments, but one of my favorite segments in all of pro wrestling. More than anything, this epitomizes the North American pro wrestling scene: it's a totally ludicrous, funny trainwreck of a brawl. Between Booker T's constant groaning, Austin's cheesy quips, the insane length of the fight as the grocery store personnel simply watch, and commentary from McMahon and Ric Flair as they watch the whole shebang via Titantron, it's one of the most hilarious things I've seen in wrestling, and it ends in the only way it could end.
I hope you've enjoyed this trip down memory lane with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. See ya next time!
Going Hollywood
You probably have heard of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, the pro wrestler who made the jump to full-time Hollywood actor a few years ago. If you've seen him onscreen, you know he's a charismatic guy in any role he plays. If you've ever heard the Rock on the mic (and chances are, if you have a television set, you've seen him on the mic once or twice), you know he's damn entertaining. Wrestling fans knew this man as Rocky Maivia before the rest of the world knew him as the Rock, and we knew that, while he was great in the ring, he was unsurpassed on the mic in front of millions (and millions!) of fans.
When the Rock left wrestling for a while to film "The Scorpion King", fans were eagerly awaiting his return. When he came back, however, his entire attitude changed. He was no longer the ass-kicking "people's champion" we knew. He was now an arrogant ass with an enormous ego. While fans were meant to revile this new Rocky, instead they loved him. This was, at least in my opinion, the Rock at his absolute best.
For the benefit of theO, here are great moments in the era of "Hollywood" Rock.
The Rock makes a surprise appearance in Toronto. The fans were ecstatic to see their beloved people's champion return. This was short-lived, however, when the Rock delivered his trademark "Finally..." catchphrase with an interesting twist. He then proceeds to verbally run down the inhabitants of Toronto, as only he can.
During this time, Rocky would embark on a memorable feud with the Hurricane, of all people. The barbs the Rock would hurl at the 'Cane were priceless.
Here, the Great One has a chat with Eric Bischoff. He clearly displays his new prima donna attitude here. And may I add, he plays it to perfection.
The Rock would clash with Steve Austin for the last time at Wrestlemania, but before that, he held what was dubbed "the Rock Concert". This was absolutely classic. They did it one more time after this, but it didn't have the same feel.
Well, I hope you've enjoyed this viewing of the Rock's "Hollywood" era. It was a lot of fun to bring it to you!
-Flint
Armdrag!
I saw this crap, and I had to post it. It involves the recent spat of guest hosts on RAW, set in the charming world of Azumanga Daioh. The dude who made this is a true genius.
Wonder who next week's guest host will be, Vince...
