So for this WIP I felt like drawing how I felt today, which was really radiant and high energy via rounds of EFT! There is nothing much I can say about this but just allow yourself a little bit of positivity even when you're environment isn't as enchanting. These things do past but we have to allow ourselves to move past them as well. So don't get caught up in any bullshit you find yourself in haha.
You can read more about this picture by clicking here!
Hey everyone!
This is probably my first wip in a very long time. I haven't even updated my art blog with any recent wips in the longest time. Just checked (this world) and it has been 5 whole months, WOW. Even though I drew within that time I never uploaded anything, but that doesn't matter now. I have to do a major wip dump update soon but till then you get this cute little sketch I just did.
I just listened to a webcast about loving yourself and using EFT to help clear away the negativity blocking it. I tried it along with the webcaster and I have to say I feel a lot more loving about myself since I hold a lot of pressure on myself to succeed. I honestly do love myself but I hold certain standards to be able to love myself more, which is not healthy since one should embrace self love no matter what. "Tapping" which is another name for it, helped me see that in a bigger light. Even though I'm currently working on and did a lot to help myself succeed I still beat myself up for not achieving more. As well as avoiding parts of myself/life that I'm either deathly afraid of or have major emotional hang ups *COUGHARTCOUGH*. Knowing all this, at least on a much clearer and deeper level I can begin to heal those parts of myself that I'm afraid to face.
So this picture was a representation of that. Just the embodiment of self love, without the conditions, standards, woulds, coulds and shoulds. Something fun and loving I can do for myself, since I'm still a raging workaholic and feel like art/drawing comes after everything else is done, which is impossible. <:U Or I treat drawing more of a luxury than a complete necessary thing for my personal sanity...
Anyway I hope you enjoy everyone! :D Talk to you all soon!
*peeks through* Man it's been a long time since I've been here. (I stalk on here a lot though lol)
Haha, hey everyone! It's been almost three months since my last post here. That has to be one of my top longest gaps on here ever. I usually don't wait a long time to post since this is a really healing place for me to write out my thoughts. But somehow I never got to really write on here, or post wips and etc etc for sometime...
Of course I know you guys are like WTF, or maybe not, but in any case yeah, I haven't been active here at all lately. Though I still read up on postings and such, I really don't do much here. I'm honestly not sure if I want to put in the effort posting up pictures and such any more. Like how I was in the old days, trying to get back into the swing of things when TheO was hot and happening LOL.
I actually took the time to look at the fan art section (like REALLY dig deep into it) and the demographic has shifted quite a bit in the last few years... Like, a lot. I barely see any of the artists that I'm use to seeing and the newer artists here now are quite young, so the experience shows.
Since I was so curious of the lack of recognizable artists I decided to see the most active/popular art in the last year... There was literally 3 artist's art that I saw only. Artists that have been here for years so at least I know everyone isn't gone, but like WTF. Where did everyone go? Of course they went to college, moved on and etc but I'm really missing the community aspect of it all. I'm wanting to jump back into the fray and a lot of my friends and peers are no where to be found.
Honestly, really seeing this, like actually taking it all in is disheartening. I know everyone hasn't up and left and some people still post in their worlds now and again. But I do want to know what they are up to and if they are alive and kicking at the very least. At the same time I've been seeing the downturn happen slowly, I think now has reality stuck. With that being said, I felt that as an artist, I've outgrown TheO for sometime. But now I'm actually questioning if I have "matured" as an artist. Not in skill, but in spirit.
Granted I haven't been drawing like I used to so I feel that in a sense I'm stuck in a certain phrase. From almost 3 years ago... :| I have grown quite a bit as a person in that amount of time. But in my artistic self and life, I think I denied myself to really "move on" to bigger and better things.
Even though I didn't see it then, I see it now. I haven't "truly" moved on and in that resistance of not changing I stunted my own artistic growth. Which makes me very disappointed in myself, but I'm happy that I am able to see where I've gone wrong so I can change.
So I really have to be in the "now," really accept what's happening and move to another community, path, direction or whatever so I can start growing again. I'm not leaving TheO but I won't be posting art here anymore (beside wips and etc in my world). I'll probably spend that energy in my art blog while I find another art site. Though I looked for a few and I haven't found one that I really like. :/ DA is... Fucking DA and I highly doubt I'll be "active" there besides full blown stalking. I'll probably use it for my crafts if anything, but art wise, no lol.
I really like FA, besides the occasional drama and adult content you can wash up on but what site doesn't these days... I just don't want any kind of nonsense going on around me and a small tight knit group I can grow with.
So yeah, that is one of my many shifting tides in my life. I feel like I'm going through one of those "darkness before dawn" type phrases in my life now... *long sigh*
Let me know how you all are doing if you're still around lol, take care!
Hey everyone
Yeah, I know it's been way too long since I last posted here. If you can't tell by the doodle I mustered up, life as been intense. Not everything have been bad of course but most of it has been full of anxiety, stress and tons of changes.
I was going to explain some things that happened in the last two months but it's just too negative and I just want it all to be in the past. So I'm just going to dive into my own personal revelations and what I've been up to.
Change of Direction
As the title suggests I'm once again changing directions career wise and personally. I guess I should be more posting this on my spiritual blog, but since I don't normally post spiritually heavy stuff here I feel a lot better expressing my opinions about the whole thing in my world. Anyway, I got so tired of the spiritual community as of late (and we're talking for years) that I decided to finally break away from it. I should of done so years ago but I just didn't have it in me. A part of me was attached to all the forums, Facebook stuff and all the videos and things I would indulge in everyday. But I've come to a point in my life where I feel quite mentally and spiritually sheltered by it all. That and the spiritual community have some beliefs that I never resonated with or I simply grew out of.
One of the things I hate the most lately is the numerous needy and desperate people you tend to find. They always want to find a quick answer, free readings, expect people to tell them what they want to hear and are simply draining individuals. I think that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I can't deal with the constant neediness anymore. I can't deal with the people that want to stay stuck in their own misery, and luckily I haven't had those types of clients.
However, the people I encounter everywhere else, especially the forums and social media are draining and irritating. Most of the time I feel that I can't get my life's work venture off the ground because I'm around such people and I want to get paid what I'm worth. Doing readings for cheap is great for extra money when it comes in, but if I want a career, I have to have clients that are willing to invest in themselves and want the help I'm able to offer them at a fair price.
And quite frankly I want to break out of the angel card reading field. It's not something I'm willing to only do. I want to do something on a bigger scale that pays a lot more, I deserve it with the decade worth of experience I poured into my life. I honestly feel that strictly sticking to angel cards (even though I do more than just that) is a representation of my self worth in the business. Which isn't much, I kept myself in the bottom of the barrel for long enough. I no longer want to simply tell people what to do, I want to do something much more.
I really want to talk to people and go hands on. I can't do that with all this "old stuff" still hanging around me. So I was more than happy to finally cut myself out of the spiritual community. Though I'm still spiritual, I no longer have interest in the pursuit of this "perfection" that seems to run rampant among the community. I've been in that bubble for long enough, I just want to live now, be happy, do things that truly make me happy and explore the world.
With that said I don't think spirituality on it's own is bad, far from it depending how you go about it. That and this is a decade full of observations and frustrations I always had, so there is no one thing or entity that I'm blaming this on, it's just is what it is. I'll always love spirituality for what's it worth but I've grown enough to follow my own direction than a bunch of "idols" that people tend to put on a pedestal.
What Now?
With that decision made came a lot of confusion. Since I was working really hard on a new business idea that was based in the spiritual community. But for now I will have to semi halt it till I find a definite direction. I'll probably do a bunch of test runs and just play with it all till I'm ready and set to really go full time with it.
Besides that, my urge and inspiration to draw as well the Japanese and kawaii culture have floated back to the surface. That was the part of my life that was drowned out by my business and career. I now see how important it all is to me to function and be myself. Talking to my good friend Jer and spending some great quality time by myself, I know that I have to go back to the basics. Start truly focusing on myself and NOT my career with my last dying breath.
I notice I take whatever I'm working on, which is mostly career oriented, to the extreme. I work super duper hard to the point that I break under it all. Or that I get mega frustrated it's not working because I expect fast results. It's quite the complex and it's something that follows me no matter what the situation is, however this is a huge step for me in correcting it.
I have to learn to slow down, not take everything so seriously, focus my time on other things, take (longer) breaks and give myself time to think things through. My nature to rush things and expect things to come super fast is getting in the way. I need to have fun with whatever I'm doing and just take this career thing a lot more lightly. I'm so very much in my head when I freak out so I have to remind myself that I'm blowing up the situation way more than it actually is. Once I calm down and relax, life doesn't seem as stressful.
But things seem to be looking up. A lot has happened that I didn't mention at all but I'll leave that for the next time. I like to post more positive things and revelations anyway lol.
Thanks for looking guys, talk to you all soon and sorry for being completely gone for so long. I'm not making any promises either in the future so you all do well if I disappear again haha!
Hey everyone, ( I originally wrote this last week)
My Birthday
First off I want to say thank you for all the birthday wishes that I've gotten on here and Facebook. It was really awesome! I have yet to personally thank most of you but you'll know why in a bit. I just want to say that my birthday was so good. I didn't do anything spectacular like I originally planned but I had a really good time. Me and my friend Yvette went to Ihop and ate there. I had their fresh and fruity combo for free with the coupon I got in my email. She had their new French toast, the dishes was really good, I need to upload the pictures soon. After that we went to FYE (a music store) and looked at stuff. The highlight was finding Papuwa, an anime I have the fondest memories of when I was with my first guinea pig, Road Kill, before he passed. I remember him sitting on my lap while I was laughing my head off watching Papuwa. It's a really funny and strange anime, totally unique. I recommend it if you like those weirdly funny animes.
The Fallout
Now for the reason why I've been completely out of balance in the last few days. My god, my Mother's day was the worst ever. If you guys been around for about a year you'll probably heard a post or two of my dad being a complete dick and/or me freaking out about such. Well... The straw that broke the camel's back finally landed, luckily I wasn't the one that freaked out. It all started (well it started WAY before this but what got the ball rolling) when my dad started to talk crap about my mom and sister while we were taking Yvette home last Friday. Now this isn't new, he's been doing it for as long as I can remember but the fact he did it in front of my good friend, in the passenger seat no less with me in the car just threw me off. I stood up for my sister since he was LYING about her being lazy and not doing anything with her life. I didn't freak out or anything but kindly said "No dad, my sister works hard, goes out and etc, etc." What got me is that he tried to continue the conversation and bashing my family like I was going to wholeheartedly agree or something. It's just disgusting. But anyway, fast forward that Sunday, Mother's day.
So in the last few weeks I have been going to my old childhood church; something rare for me to do especially if have a choice. It started when my neighbor started her shit again and I was so disturbed by it that I needed to leave the house, so I went to church with my family. And I meant to post about this before but one of the people that works at that church just had baby guinea pigs and is giving one to me! Two weeks ago I went to pick mines out and omg she is SOOOO CUTTEEE. When I first saw her I called her "Milkshake" and omg the name just stuck, so there is an 80% chance that's going to be her name once I get her. And today I heard that I might get both the babies since the two seem to love each other so much, so that's exciting and stressful at the same time.
Getting back to what I was saying, even though I didn't want to go to church this past Sunday I decided to go since it was Mother's day. That morning however, my dad pretty much got dressed and left without us. My sister was up and was going to go but my dad didn't let her know at all and my mom never got dressed. I didn't go because I didn't want to go by myself with him. He likes to bash the family for whatever reason when we're not around and I didn't like his energy that morning either.
So that is when me and my sister was talking and concluded that he needs to go. He literally sucks everything out of us. He does nice things, but the things that really counts he has no intention of doing. He doesn't support my mom at all, treats her like dirt. He doesn't think much of my sister and just has this personality switch with him. Every time he hangs out with his friends or whoever, he comes home and has this really nasty attitude. And I'm so fucking tired of it.
So my sister and mother goes out to my cousin's house, the place they usually hang out at after church. And during which (which I heard from both my sister and mother) my dad was bashing my sister right in front of her, my sister didn't say anything and just went upstairs. When she came back down and he was still bashing her, my sister cussed him out and told him he wasn't welcomed at the house anymore. And he haven't came back since he left for church that Sunday.
I'm SO happy that we finally got him out of our lives (or at least the house), the only thing is that we're not in a good position as always. By the time huge blow ups happen, we're on bare bones since my dad decides to stop paying for everything and cry broke. YET he has all the money in the world buying food, alcohol and whatever at my cousin's house. It makes me sick... The kicker too is that my dad attracts users and leechers, and if he isn't getting taken advantage of, he just gives his money away. Then comes home and bashes my mom or the family for not having money. It drives me nuts.
Even though I'm stoked about having my dad out the house, I got so incredibly stressed out that following Monday I had an expressed mini melt down that morning. I've been so good with not stressing out when things go wrong or whatever the case. But it seemed like all the stress of the world suddenly fell onto me that morning and it was the worst I felt in over a year. It was pretty bad, I have so many great things happening, but it's all happening at the worst time it seems. It just felt like all the good I had going for me was getting sucked out like a vacuum because of my parents marriage problems.
It sucks honestly, it really does. If my dad learned how to be a husband instead of an idiot or if my mom kicked him out last year, I don't think this would be happening. But I'm not the wife or the husband and this isn't my problem, it's my parent but me and my sister gets hit with the fallout every time. And that's the thing that makes me angry. But I talked about this long enough.
The Aftermath
Right now, my sister is with the church on a 4 day trip (she came home since I wrote this). I'm home with my mom and I'm still stressing about things but they are getting better. I have so much stuff coming up that needs my attention and money but I don't have either which makes things difficult. Like the guinea pig(s) and the new Korean class I'll be joining. I need money to get the guinea pigs started and fare for class but both have been pushed back. So I have time to maybe score some readings because I need them right now haha. I'm basically running on a whole lot of faith... *sigh*
So yeah, the last few days and the days ahead I'll be trying to get my emotional self back into place. It's getting easier with each passing day. I just have to keep positive and not think about my dad and the whole situation. Doing this post helps a lot and anything that keeps me from thinking about it or keeps my brain active and productive. I honestly know that this is just making way for the new and better, it's just the "now" I have to get through. I intend on having a great spring and summer season and I'm keeping that intention, my dad's bullshit isn't going to change anything! So yeah haha...
Right now I'm thinking of all the things I want, need to do and getting back into a more positive mindset. Stressing out never helps anything and I have to remember that I can be happy and not like my current situation at the same time. I know things are just changing and god damn change is so scary sometimes. But if I make it out of this, holy crap who knows where I'll be. I'm looking forward to the future even though I'm scared and worried of what it might hold to get there. I know me and my family can get through anything, we've done it before many times.
Last thing, here is the WIP of my current picture, enjoy!
Thanks for reading guys, love you all!
