My guinea pig, Caramel, just passed away around 4:30PM July, 6, 2012...
I noticed she was sick on the 4th and since then, even when I tried to nurse her back to health she slowly got worst. Even when I wanted to take her to the E.R we couldn't afford it so the next best thing was "to make her comfortable".
I'm not mad at anyone, but I'm so sick and tired living in the shadow of what life suppose to be. If ANYONE is sick, we should be able to get help not matter if it's paid or for free. If I'm hungry I should be able to buy a good grade of food for a fair price. If I want to live somewhere, it should be a nice neighborhood without the bullshit.
I know life isn't perfect or suppose to be perfect, but I know it's not suppose to be like this. It's painful seeing someone you love slowly decay because you simply didn't have the money to get help. I know this is reality for way too many people but... Just the fuck. Where is this world going with so many problems that can be fixed rather easily, or a lot more easy then what the news/politics suggests.
Sometimes, living in this world and the people in it disgusts me to no end. Then on the other hand it's the complete opposite. I don't know what I can do for the world to fix it's problems but I know what I can do for myself. So if I can't even afford the care of a sick pet, I can at least put it down and not see it slowly dying right in front of my eyes. I never want to see that again, nor do I ever want to see any other creature (human or otherwise) die a slow death.
(I took this picture an hour or so before she passed. I'm so happy that I took this golden opportunity!)
Anyway... When Caramel passed she was moving her little legs, or at least the ones that were still working, as if she wanted to run somewhere. We were calling her name and petting her when my mom suggested that we stopped so she won't keep "coming back". Once we stopped she pretty much passed and I was crushed. Though a HUGE relief came with her passing. I didn't feel responsible, internally caged or that needing of her to finally go so I wouldn't see her in so much struggle. The poor thing tried her damnest to walk and move around, but her body and legs where shutting down slowly on her. Once I saw that she couldn't keep getting up when she was laying down on my stomach, I knew that she was on her last... But even then, on her last breath she was rapidly moving her legs. I knew that she wanted to "get up and go" and damn it I was asking everything I knew to give her a peaceful passing....
But above all else...
She had an incredible will from the very beginning and was a fighter to the very end.
She gave me great inspiration to never give up, even when your on your last leg. That, and she was fitting for my "determined" personality. Even though I wanted her to rest and just close her eyes and go, I can't help but to think "Damn, she died like a fucking champion". And if given the same circumstances, I would "die trying" to get to where I needed to go too. I can't really say I know too many people that display that intense determination.
Me and my sister buried Caramel in the backyard. I killed me to put the box in the ground that was still warm on the bottom. Shoving the dirt on top hurt like hell too. When I first noticed caramel was sick, I only thought of the worst and I just didn't want to "deal with it". I so much wanted to have that burden off me so I can go through life normally. But I learned that despite death and my emotions, everything does turn out okay. I'm depressed as hell, yes, but I know that everything I have going on is still there for me. The world is not ending and my world surely hasn't end yet. I'm just going though the "now" even if I'm hurt and feel like a total failure. It's just the now and it will pass too, I just have to allow myself to be human, fuck up, make mistakes and learn. Happy times will always be in my future as long as I keep going. I damn sure don't plan to stop, if anything, I'll just take a break.
Thank you for that lesson Caramel and for the last 6 awesome years of happiness and frustration haha!
(and yes that's me)
I'm just happy that you are in peace now, I know you are happy on the other side, and that makes me endlessly happy even if I "feel" depressed now. Seeing her lifeless body gave me great ease rather than pain and that's the first time I ever felt that way. Thank you for showing me how much I've grown and how much I can truly handle, because this week was tough, yet I made it. :)
For you Caramel! :D
(My favorite picture of us together!)
One extra side note, tomorrow will be my first year anniversary of opening my angel card reading business. Ironic, I know... >___> It will be very bitter sweet. And even more ironic, I just finished watching 20/20's special on "Heaven, where is it and how do we get there"? Thanks for that nod universe, I totally understand...
Warning LOTS of cussing and abnormal heated anger in this post, but of course there is a good message to be said...
I'm not sure where this world post is going to go as far as the message, but I felt the intense need to type this.
I don't care who or what you are, NEVER EVER let ANYONE treat you LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE. Seriously, no joking around, as serious as a heart attack.
Because when you do and start to accept it emotionally, you are giving so much of your personal rights, power and control to someone else that simply doesn't have your best in mind. I don't care how "loving", "caring" or whatever the fuck sugar coated nonsense you want to put on your situation. If someone, especially a close loved one is treating you unfairly, IT IS NOT RIGHT AND WILL NEVER BE RIGHT. And it is up to YOU to break that cycle no matter how hard it is. Because when push comes to shove, this is YOUR life. This isn't your mother's, father's, friend's, lover's, or anyone else's life but yours, and if you don't take some damn control of it, you will always be at the mercy of someone else. I don't care how much you think or are in control, subconsciously, you are running off of a mindset that someone else has programmed for you, to think and act in a certain way.
This past week or two, no not even that, the last 2 days (from the time I'm writing this 6/27/2012) has been the most life changing I've been though in a long time. It was also one of intense emotions, mostly rage, not anger, full blown rage.
This came from my wimp ass dad that has no desire to protect his children or wife in times of danger or threat. I'll get straight to the point. On Monday when our screwed up neighbor was acting up again (we are not on good terms if you remember me mentioning that a summer or two ago) we were preparing to call the cops on her. No sooner did my dad notice, he got up and started to get dress. When my older sister asked "what are you doing?" he said "laundry", a bull faced excuse to not be around when the shit gets tough.
I've been through this 1000 times and I learned not to jump in and rip his head off when he is dead wrong. But this time was especially hard, I lost my cool when my sister said "Daddy do you have to leave, we're scared" and he replied with, and I'm quoting this "I have A LOT of laundry to do"... I told him "This isn't the time to run away!" as he walks off like normal. My mother and sister had to tell me to "let it go" and I did. And when my dad walked out that door without looking at us or even saying a "good-bye". That was it, that was the straw that broke the camel's back, seriously.
When my dad came back and everyone was playing along like nothing happened, which we normally did, I didn't look or talk to him. When he asked me if I "wanted some milk" I flat out ignored him.
My dad can be loving, caring and compassionate but that will never take away from the totally screwed up personality he has, and the shit he dealt me and my family for as long as I was alive.
Fast forward to a day later, I'm trying to figure out how can I accept my dad for "who he is" without accepting "his bullshit". I didn't want to confront him and it would end up as a screaming match (which it did anyway). I didn't want drama, I just wasn't going to play charades with him anymore. And I felt like if I accept this anymore, my life will never be what I want it to be, at all. My dad always been unreliable, a dark cloud in the house, border line bi-polar, ignorant, wimpy, a total punk ass and an idiot. I lost respect for him WAY back in the day and that shit never came back.
So I when finally gathered my thoughts and found a way to love my father but not accept his ways I guess, I knew that I could talk to him. It would of got heated but I knew what I needed to do and I wouldn't take it to heart. I was clearing out the shit out of my life once and for all, and that felt good.
I swear to you no sooner did I took the last sip of my water before approaching my dad I heard my mom crying. I went to see what was wrong, I didn't know if my dad did or didn't do anything. My mom was crying so much that she couldn't tell me what was wrong and I didn't want to jump on my dad for no good reason (besides my own reason). The one thing that really pissed me off was that his wife was crying and all he could do was sit in the indoor porch and smoke a cigarette.
So I decide to ask my dad "what's wrong with mommy?", reminding you all that since Monday afternoon I wasn't talking to him and he did the same shit with me. He went on to say "I don't know, your mom needs help" totally not being helpful, smug, ignorant and a total ass hole. I was deciding whether if I should "freak out" or just "not freak out". He was going on and on and I decided...
FUCK THIS SHIT, I HAD ENOUGH... OF EVERYTHING
I slammed the front door and all hell broke loose. I cussed him out from here to the moon and even yelled out the front door for all to hear how much of a punk my dad is and can't even protect his family, and damn did it feel good.
Hours pass of intense arguments between me and my dad and just my parents themselves. Mostly, me trying to keep them from killing each other (or my mom from killing my dad anyway). A lot happened that night, a lot of emotions, and a lot of realizations, but I tell you one thing. I never planned on any of this happening. I wanted to speak calmly with my dad about how I felt and move on. But on a drop of a dime my mom woke up and started crying RIGHT when I was going to talk to my dad. That and my sister was gone for the day and that was a HUGE game changer on how this went. I would of never gotten what I needed to be done if she was here, she would of totally blocked that from happening.
Not doubt this was meant to happen.
As far as "now" my dad left after I called the cops yesterday and haven't came back. And FINALLY I think my family is on board to let my dad go for good, I wanted this moment for 2-3 years mind you. THAT LONG for my family to catch up to what I already knew before my dad even moved in, which I was totally against but was out ruled.
A lot of changes is happening and this was the "opening act" of it all, and I couldn't be happier to see or had the honor of to start it. I know things might get tough, but I know I will be so much better right after. I know everything will be okay and that everything good and bad is for my benefit. I'm not the same person as I was a year ago or even a few months ago. I don't pity myself as much and I see the bigger picture in just about everything I do. Of course I'm still human and still have human flaws but I've been refined by life and all it's mishaps. And the fact I've gotten stronger made yesterday such a success in quite a crappy day. I made my plan, I know what was wrong, and now I have and enforce the power to change my life from here on out even more. And I just want to let everyone know that they can do the same thing.
Never let anyone take control over your life and treat you like shit, no matter who they are. Even if it is your own parents, you have to be willing to do some heavy changes and remove them from your life so you can start LIVING your life. Being abused, mistreated or tortured is no way for anyone to live and you can never sugar coat it with "love". There will never be enough love to make it right, no matter how much you want it to be right.
So if you find yourself in a shit situation, please stand up for yourself. Stop accepting other's shitty ways for your own. And most of all, realize that you deserve to have a happy life, full of real loving friends and family. If you don't have those things now, they won't come knocking, you have to get up and demand something better, which means ruffling a lot of people's feathers. Life isn't always easy and you know what it's not suppose to till you GET IT. Once you GET IT that you can make YOUR life better, it can become easy because you now have the power to change it, which will be a challenge too, but you know what? You'll know what to do, how to do it and won't take no for an answer. Life will mold you into a fighter, not one of violence, but for peace and love for everything you stand for. And that should be okay for those that want a better life...
But I'm going to stop because I've gotten WAY too passionate and I'm sure I got my message out 10 times over. But please remember...
Every single one of us deserves real love, real happiness, to live our dreams and to be the best us we can be. Don't let someone take that opportunity away from you, in fact, don't let YOURSELF give that opportunity to someone else. It's not their business to live your life and purpose, it's yours...
Over and out...
Yours Truly
I just started the line art for my latest picture and I love it so much that I wanted you guys to see. XD
I wuv him so much... * U *
(omg I've been active for more then one day (in a week) holy shit)
The past few weeks were quite interesting, full of all kinds of experiences, revelations and new plans!
Before I start, go check out my newest picture if you haven't' already! :D
Summer Plans
Well, one of my more important updates involves The Candy Sanctuary and my plans for the summer. Even though I no longer want TCS to by my life's work I DO want to make it a small hobby shop! I actually plan on opening it soon! I'm revamping the logo and branding of it into something more "fairytale dipped in chocolate" like haha!
Along with that, I will be expanding on my angel reading services with a brand new reading as well as starting a new candle project. Where people can get free handmade candles from me, all they have to do is pay the shipping, which shouldn't be much. I'm actually super excited about my candle project because it is something I wanted to do for a few months now. It's purpose is to spread love and light, no more no less, and I'm so thrilled to have something like this working out for me.
I've gotten all the materials I needed to start the project. I will probably begin soon with giveaways of the candles I made myself during the "practice stages" of candle making. I actually plan to start selling them as well.
I guess the last thing I plan to do is research on various therapies. Like sound, color, aroma and the like for healing. I actually wanted to do that for a while too but this time around I think it is the perfect time! :) I'll use those methods to create handmade products for healing all types of problems (of a spiritual nature mind you).
Everything I'm goal setting for I hope to have up and running before summer ends, and I actually have faith that those things will be successful. Which feels odd to me because I had plans like these before that never really made it off the ground, but this time I intend to succeed!
Truly got her groove back?
My creative groove, I think so! Over the last few months I've been drawing and generally been pursuing more creative endeavors and been entering in a few new ones! (like candle making) But as far as the "art" scene, YES, GOOD LORD YES I'VE BEEN BLESS WITH A STREAM OF INSPIRATION AS OF LATE. A couple of factors actually contributed in me having my healthy inspiration bloom again, but I think my acceptance of my skill level and knowing I can only get better is the biggest factor.
Because honestly, I'm so incredibly harsh on myself when it comes to my art or anything I'm doing. I always feel like, in the back of my mind, that I have to be perfect or to strive incredible odds to be "successful". That has gotten me no where but a whole lot of stressful days. I've been in that mind set for years and I actually started to tackle that thinking about a year or two ago. But after last summer my inspiration went to the shitter royally and I pretty much forgotten all that I've learned. So when I did come back time and time again, getting back in the groove was tough. Real tough...
But after this year kicked up, I started to do a lot of overhauling in my life, so of course art would be apart of it too. Though I will admit, I didn't really "address" my lack of inspiration and abundance of fear till a few days ago. But addressing my issues as an artist helped me mentally and emotionally accept myself as the artist I am "today" as opposed the artist I "want" to be. But yeah, I've done a lot of sketching after thinking of a really awesome story and that pretty much started everything.
Now I feel more confident in myself and drawing all the ideas that I have, even making new characters! :D
A Book On Love?
I guess the very last thing I want to talk about is this need to write. In the last few months for whatever reason, I've been drawn to writing. Something I haven't done in years, the last time I wrote anything (like a story) was back in college during my free time which I really enjoyed. I never got the chance to finish it however. I think it's only a few pages long. But anyway, I swear I've been getting some hints (read wild coincidences) from the universe to get writing about something!
I've actually have a lot of stories and concepts I want to write about but I think the one I'm most drawn too is... *sigh*... love stories... Like really? As much as I love super cheesy dreamy romance anything, the last thing I thought I would be writing about is love. BUT ALAS I fooled myself again with this rather pleasing concept I conceived while watching Sailor Moon Super S ( EP 1 "Dreams Take Flight" / "Meeting of Fate! The Night where a Pegasus Flies"). A whole book on short love stories about twin flames and/or romances taking place in a dream world. The short answer of what a twin flame is that it is the other half of your soul, and apparently meeting one in your lifetime is epic. I couldn't help to think that Reni and Pegasus could TOTALLY BE twin flames. That and I'm ADDICTED to their pure, innocent and dreamy romance.
I would love to write about something like that, or short stories in the same flavor. Even though a lot of other ideas came to me since then, I decided (as in a few days ago) to pursue this particular idea. After a few months of not thinking about it, I have gut feeling to do it, so I know it's the right thing to do. (YAY)
Last thing before I go, I've been reading (finally) my friend Kelsey's story NekoNeko Circus. It's really awesome and if you favor boy's love or yaoi, you'll find this fitting. So yeah, get moving and read it, you won't be disappointed! :D (I'll give you a proper comment on your world about it Kels)
Okay that's all! Three pages WOW, that's a lot from me honesty since I try to keep these no longer then a page long but I covered a lot so.... yeah...
Take care, love you all!
Yo Santa, my list is pretty much the same as my last list (x-mas 2011). Being totally honest, I have no idea what to ask for beside those things I have there, so bear with me haha!
Okay besides the requests I have down there the things I love in general is the following: pink, ruffles, sweets, girl clothes, furries, pastel colors, hearts, stars, crystals, shiny stuff, boys love/yaoi (cough), angels, fairy tales and things that are related to it. I also like dark things as well especially if it has a touch of cute to it. If anything look at my gallery and you'll pretty much see what I like haha!
If you don't like super girly stuff or my requests you can change things around to suit your tastes or just draw whatever your comfortable with. Okay now on for the requests.
Here are some movies that I love:
Big Hero Six HiroxBaymax
Frozen
Wreck-it-Ralph
Raise of the Guardians (especially anything Jack related)
A picture of my heart shugo chara with a lot of ribbons and hearts in the picture. Make her adorably chibi and cute.
A picture of my heart break mode fursona, but don't make the eyes so scary looking. XD I hate the way they look now. Make them more sad and blank. She has a giant paint brush too that she likes to paint with, add that in the picture if you can.
My mascot for my Crafts blog The Candy Sanctuary.
A sweets fairy that has butterfly wings.
My fan Mews especially mew torte, I love maid outfits as well as their mew costumes. You don't have to draw them all by the way, do as many as you want. (I would like to see them all though )
Sailor Mini moon with/without Helios/Pegasus. Something dreamy and really cute.
Kotetsu and Barnaby from tiger and bunny.
I love MLP, I have yet to make a fan pony but if you want please make one sweets themed or anything related to the words up top.
I also love rarity (my favorite pony) from MLP but I love the other's as well!
ETC
Loki, Iron man from the avengers
I LOVE the K-pop bang U-kiss I love all the *old members* especially Alex)
I love shinee and Teamin is my favorite haha!
heechul from super Junior
EXO
Girls Generation
Girl's day
Okay that's it. I hope you love girly stuff as much as I do and you find my requests fun to do. Sorry for the poor soul that hates this kind of stuff. XD
Thank you Santa!
