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Dreams is that wonderful feeling when you know you're doing something right.
It's when the harshness of reality begins to quiet and your heart sings.
It's that look when you see yourself in the mirror and smile, knowing who you really are.
Dreams is the one thing that drives me, soothes me and keeps me alive.
It's the world I live in, the world of dreams... This wonderful, wonderful world.
This fulfilling world...
This world that is in my heart and thankful soul.

My Different Realities

Deviant art
Manga Bullet
Live journal

Positive Update 2017

I'm not even going to mention how long it has been since I've been on this site and updated anything... But yeah..

I'M NOT IN THE SHELTER ANYMORE AND IN MY OWN PLACE! I've been there for over a year now (I moved in April of last year). I would of updated you guys before but the internet connection that I have through Project Home completely blocks this site and other sites that I like to go on. I'm actually at my mom's place writing this and downloading Sonic Mania on the PC since the Stream website which I need to get the game from is blocked as well... SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

I'm not sure who still comes here and check this blog or whatever but I do want to say thank you to all those that supported me over the years. It really means a lot, it's honestly hard to put myself out there as an artist because it's not like it used to be years ago when TheO was hot and happening. Even though I still love to draw, it's not as fun when you're on your own island it seems.

But anyway, yes, I'm doing really well! I'm on Facebook so if you want to add me PM (on FB not here) me first so I know who you are and then send the request (as I like to add only people I personally know not just random people) and we can stay connected. My name is "Kai Moon Oceans" on FB.

Anyway, thank you all so much and sorry if I worried you guys!

Positive Updates

Hey everyone!

Just a general update since it's been a long time since the last. Many moons ago I told you all about me being in the shelter, the great news is that I'm on my way out. I'm hoping that this month will be my last month at HOP (the shelter that I'm in) being that the housing system in my city is slow as fuck.

I've been pretty stressed out about the process since late January (this has been in the works since November, FUCKING NOVEMBER). Trying to get all the papers that I need, hearing back from Project Home (the building I'll be living in) and just ALL THE THINGS. It's just all stressful on top of the day to day routine being at HOP and going to my day program.

Don't get me wrong, I'm super grateful for everything that both places provided for me but wtf, the constant waking up at 6AM and being around a bunch of people nearly 24/7 has been wearing on me badly, BUT I'm glad things will be changing soon.

And as soon as it does, I'll be picking up my art again FULL TIME and starting a new path as an artist which feels pretty good. I have a lot of things planned that I've been wanting to do that I'll be able to dedicate some serious time to now that I'll be living by myself (I have my own room and a shared living room, kitchen and bathroom(s))

But nonetheless, I've gotten my own place and will be moving into it very soon. More than likely, the next time you hear from me, I'll be on my own computer again... :D

Also, another happy update is that I came out as agender/non-binary to facebook a few months ago and my day program two weeks ago! I've gotten nothing but positive support which is awesome! I don't think I officially announced it here (I mean I have no idea who looks at my blog posts on TheO anymore but this is my first blog home sOOOOOOO yeahh) but yeah I identify as non-binary (a fancy way of saying NO gender), and more specifically on the masculine end of things. :P I'm also going through medical transition (I'm taking male hormones) to give myself a more masculine look. I also changed my name (not legally YET) to "Kai Moon Oceans" and I use male pronouns (he/him).

So yes, lots of positive things as of late even though I've been super stressed with fucking everything.

I hope you all been well! Don't be a stranger, take care!

Feeling lost as an artist

Just rambling on about art, being an artist and other shizzzz...

Since everything that happened 4 months ago, art is probably one of the hardest yet most desired things I want to put my time and focus on. However, I can't seem to get out of this chronic rut, or this really slow sluggish feeling of it becoming my thing. I pushed it out of my life onto the back burner in hopes that I can rescue my family from their own bullshit, and I paid a heavy price for it because they are still alcoholics with issues that I could never fix.

I'm honestly very resentful to them still in that aspect (and probably more) because drawing and art WAS MY THANG. I loved it and put a lot of time and energy in it, and I know that my path to "success" (which I feel I never achieved on any scale to be honest) was very much forge in struggle and trying to be someone I'm not, but I can't help but to desire that again. To be so ingrained in my art, to improve and to feel like "this is my thing and I'm going to work it even if it kills me," I had serious grit. But now...NNOOWWWW, it's like I'm afraid to hold the damn pencil because I feel so disconnected to it and myself as an artist, and god I'm looking at all these amazing artists and feeling like shit because I haven't drew all that consistently in YEARS. I'm thinking "what if I didn't stop drawing as much, I would be much better" and all this extra stuff that doesn't even matter. It makes me so angry... SO angry, pissed even.

I guess I'm still feeling anger towards myself for not drawing as much as I would of liked, and even though I've been working on it (my art not my anger) for the last year or two seriously, I feel so lost at it. Like seriously, and it hurts like hell. Should I be the kawaii, everything is big eyed and adorable artist, or go towards something more action/adventure/hard core that I've been really wanting to do. OR should I blend the two or do mostly fan art, but what about my niche? I have to be consistent, and what about my old fans from like the Jurassic that loved my Tokyo Mew Mew stuff and the shit is just crazy... So crazy.

I even tried to make a business out of my art and I just couldn't bring myself to do it... Not that my art was an issue or a problem, but I just don't know what I'm doing as an artist. I'm trying to look for a higher purpose with it and I can't find it. I'm not even sure if that's what I want or need, but I feel like I'm not good enough being where I am or doing what I'm doing as far as art. And I'm so angry and hurt over that, I don't know what to do or where to go from here... I honestly don't

I'm sitting here waiting from some magic experience to happen so that I can really "get on the ball" but it never happens and I know that it's not up to anyone else but me, but I'm honestly feeling very down about it. I'm having a tough time feeling that I'm even deserving of being an artist because I pretty much stopped for way longer than I should...

Important Life Updates

Hey everyone!

Yeah, I haven't been around for a really long time and there is a reason for that. I'm not able to get into the super deep details about it all but long story short I'm currently in a homeless shelter. I've been there for about 4 months after my sister kicked me out in a drunken rage.

Quite frankly, I was ready to go, and was the best decision I've made so I took so my tablet and other important tech (except my computer) over Brandon's house. Thus the reason why you probably haven't heard from me for a WAY longer time than usual.

However though, I'm happy not to be living with my family in the dysfunction and transitioning to living on my own, finally. Me and my family are on good terms now though which is nice (because consistency right???), but I could never live with them again.

Since coming to the shelter, things have been getting a lot better and I'm becoming a much more independent person as I wanted to be. A lot is happening mostly good, nothing really bad but me stressing the fuck out over everything and my "what's the worst that can happen" mental game.

Right now, my main focus is to get into some type of art program so I can get back to drawing and creating, as well as some other things.

Honestly, my emotions are a bit everywhere today, and I just feel like throwing something expensive, stomping my feet and crying it all out (yay emotions) but I've been feeling better as the day goes on. I'm just tired of the constant struggle of trying to make things work and trying to do everything right when I know that isn't how life works. That I shouldn't strive for perfection or do everything at once. I just have this mentality (that I'm working on) that if I can "fix" this (or whatever) issue or problem then I'll never be stressed or emotionally strained again. And again, life doesn't work that way but growing up the way I did (utter chaos) I'm constantly seeking solid ground and feeling safe... No matter what the cost. Even if it doesn't make sense or never really worked in the past. The thought that I'll finally have that safety keeps me going even if my body is screaming "Hey, maybe you should slow the hell down before you have another burn out" and I'm like "Fuck you, we're almost there THEN we can chill out."

But again... Well, you see the insanity in this.

I go two minutes left on the library computer, see you guys later LOL!

Valentines Day Mew Mew

As the title suggests I made a fan mew after like a million years for V-day. I'm trying to get into the habit in drawing seasonal/holiday pictures. It use to be one of my favorite things to do and so now I'm trying to pick it back up.

With that being said, I was super inspired while browsing DA seeing all the fan mews. I don't know what it is but creating fan mews is one of my top favorite things to draw. Even after like, what... almost 6 years of having my Mew Mew kick slowly died off, I still find it so relaxing to draw. Honestly, it's probably one of the few things I can cox myself into drawing again if I'm running dry or need to pick it back up. So many good memories linked to it I guess and the simplicity of it.

ANYWAY, this is Mew Mocha, or Chocolate Strawberry, or just Chocolate or whatever lol. I made her a wand vs. those instrument theme weapons, though I'll probably change it around since it's a bit clunky and I hate the TMM heart wing design that all the weapons have, it's annoying a fuck to draw lol.

I'm thinking of making a set of super cute themed mews, hell I might just overhaul my "sweets collection" team, because its old and a mess lol.