Dreams...
Dreams is that wonderful feeling when you know you're doing something right.
It's when the harshness of reality begins to quiet and your heart sings.
It's that look when you see yourself in the mirror and smile, knowing who you really are.
Dreams is the one thing that drives me, soothes me and keeps me alive.
It's the world I live in, the world of dreams... This wonderful, wonderful world.
This fulfilling world...
This world that is in my heart and thankful soul.
It’s been a while since I posted but I manage to start drawing a bit more lately. This is one of my more recent sketches.
I also came out as agender on the first of May so I felt like I needed to change my fursona to match this new phrase and person I’ve become. It was fun designing him (even though I’m genderless I refer to this fursona as a boy). It actually helped me to draw more and really get on the ball of doing more with my art and my talent, since I haven’t been drawing like I wanted to for years. But yeah, that’s pretty much it…
*Upcoming rant and lots of cussing, you’ve been warned*
Sooooooo, even though I like to keep my posts here on a positive note, I can’t really speak of this issue anywhere else because it involves to two people that I know too well IRL.
So basically, I’m minding my own business, doing my own thing bringing my bowl down from the upstairs when my sister (who has been drinking) blatantly says that my good friend is a POS (piece of shit). The little back story was that my sister helped my good friend (let’s call him Brad) get a job where she works.
So everything is fine and dandy till apparently Brad quits/leaves or whatever without notice. Being that I’m his friend, when my sister complains to me about him I’m like “yeah whatever,” I don’t want to get in the middle of this. That is what YOU GUYS are doing, don’t involve me.
So back to where I was at, so today she finally gets a hold of him and I guess it didn’t go well because apparently she felt the need to tell ME that my GOOD FRIEND is a POS like I can do something about that. It totally pissed me off because one: it’s FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL TO ME, and two: I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
So while I’m getting some extra food, I’m still “yeah, whatever” while she bitches and moans about him. I forgot what exactly what we were saying but when I was leaving the kitchen and she was going on about the whole thing she ends up calling me a POS because I didn’t agree with her view.
WELL BITCH, sorry I can’t be on your boat too because YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT MY GOOD FRIEND. I don’t fucking care about the job shit, to me he’s still my friend and outright telling me that he’s a POS isn’t something I’m going to let slide for the second or third time! So I talked back and we got in an argument.
Where she basically is telling me that I shouldn’t take it personally because it has nothing to do with me and shit like that so I shouldn’t get mad. And that she just want to fucking “express herself” to me. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You’re fucking disrespecting me, talking shit about my friend about a situation that I have nothing to do with as if I can do something about it and/or to expect me to hop to your defense? And when I get offended by that, suddenly: “You shouldn’t take it personally.” On top of being called a POS along with him because I had a different view (before we got into a heated augment)…
This is why I hate alcohol and my family when they drink, they just have this almighty air about them that somehow everything they say and do is right. But what do I expect IT’S DRUNK LOGIC. But moreover, I hate it when someone tells me how to feel (or not to feel) a certain way.
First off, you shouldn’t be telling me anything like that to my face about my friend. All you’re doing is spreading negativity to where it doesn’t need to go. Complain to your friends, fuck, my mom was right there, complain to her. But when I came down and saw her, the first thing she felt the need to say to me is that Brad is a POS. Why say that shit to me knowing I’m his good friend. You clearly wanted me know this “fun fact” out of everyone else at the time. You’re causing fucking drama. What the fuck are you trying to prove saying this shit to me?
Yeah, I took that shit personally and even more so when she called me a POS when I didn’t agree with her. Simply put FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!
On top of that, when I tried to explain to her that she was crossing my boundaries, she insisted that I could do the same with her; to tell her that her friends are a POS. Then she try to defend what she was saying by implying that she was only saying what I once told her when me and Brad had a rough patch.
Totally unfucking fair to bring up something that not only has nothing to do with THIS situation, but about a situation where I was pissed off and angry. It just doesn’t make sense… And I doubt I called him a POS.
So at the end of it all I got really pissed off because I have enough shit on my plate as it is and I ended up smashing my bowl or whatever on the floor and leaving the house.
I can’t possibly put into words how sick I am of my sister totally insisting that she knows exactly who I am, what I’m about and thinks she knows everything. That and this fucking double standard shit that when she does whatever it’s fine but if I do it, it’s not.
She needs a reality check. If I ever came up to her and just outright called her friend(s) a POS, it would be a problem. She wouldn’t be like “oh yeah, I totally agree.” No way in hell even if it was true about her friends, which it usually is. She surrounds herself with POS all the time and complains about it, so I guess it takes one to know one.
Plus, don’t fucking tell me how to feel and how I should react. And don’t tell me that I don’t do the fucking same towards you because I’m mink and timid, that really pissed me off. I don’t say those things because I’m timid (which I’m slowly breaking out of), but I’m not a fucking ass hat. I have enough respect to not say offensive things about people you care about, POS or not.
Go fuck yourself, seriously…
Point being, I wish I can kill people and get away with it because I swear that is what I want to do to my family when they drink and just go full retard for no reason. That and I’m noticing that my patience isn’t what it used to be, I get angry, like real angry faster than ever. It doesn’t sit well with me especially since I’m more bullheaded and I’m not willing to just let people say or do whatever they want to me. I fucking stand up for myself, so maybe it’s shocking for them to see me speak my mind and not hop on her boat just cause they have an opinion… I’m not rude about it either, but obviously when I’m not in agreement with my sister or whoever, that somehow has to mean world war 3.
I can’t fucking stand people sometimes… And a hate having genetic ties to people too. I wish I can be alone forever so I don’t have to hear the bitching and bickering sometimes.
But yeah, sorry for the random, out of the blue rant. It took me hours just to calm down enough to write this and I feel a lot better afterwards too. That’s way I would post here so much because I can simply write about whatever and it would help me clear my head.
But yeah I still have to clean up the chicken stew I hyper beamed all over the floor… Fuck…
Wow, yeah it’s been a SUPER long time since my last post and even longer when I did a life update. There are no excuses for that. But I really want to dive into what’s been happening in my life in that time (forgot the sob story about how I didn’t post anything lol)
Wakeup Call
Long story short, I completely burned myself out with business and just life in December. I was so depressed and just down on myself that I was at rock bottom. All I could think about is how the last 5 years of my life was dedicated to dreams and goals that didn’t really serve me at the end. To add to that, my home environment wasn’t the greatest either. Everything seemed like an uphill battle. However, in that same month I decided to change my life around and start over.
I gave up trying to have a business (besides my angel card one that will stay as a side gig) and all the bullshit I was doing that was keeping me away from real happiness. I buckled down and got serious with infusing my life with positivity, gratefulness, love and just things that made my heart sing. No more trying to work now for some unknown future, but being in the present, working with what I have and being happy in the now.
With that, I started up a new blog called The Golden Mirror (a free cookie for the person that can guess the anime it comes from) to record my feelings and everyday life which was a total life saver! I needed to focus on me, the real me from the inside out than the outside in. I was so focus on my goals and just random bullshit for the title and external stuff that it left me high and dry internally. But since I changed my lifestyle to fulfill my life and soul things have gotten SO MUCH better!
Mom in Surgery
Last month my mom went under surgery to take a mass off her lung. The whole experience was really positive and the mass wasn’t cancerous! The only thing is that she didn’t tell me or my sister about the surgery till a few days before she needed to go in. We were pissed but we were more concerned about our mother’s health naturally.
It was awesome seeing my extended family coming together to help us and just be there since my family seems to be more fragmented over the years. Even after the surgery they have been there of support and I find that really awesome!
No More Business
Like, at all… After all the changes I’ve done, I realized how much trying to have a bigger business was hurting me more than helping me. And quite frankly, I just don’t care anymore. I’m a lot happier now than I ever was in my pursues of it and when I saw all the old business ideas and plans that I had for years, I knew it was time to let it go. So I shredded and threw away all the old business papers and stuff that I had over the years and it felt so good to do that! I just felt this weight lifted off of my shoulders while balling up the papers in my hands and finally saying FUCK YOU!
Now that is out of the way I can finally put my art on top of the list and really get back on that again.
WIP
This is my latest wip of the new banner that I made for my art turned into kawaii lifestyle blog. I really love it so far and you can see more wips by clicking on it!
That’s it for now, I just mentioned the tip of the iceberg but the main thing is that I’m a lot happier in life and things are changing for the better through my positive focus! I plan to keep posting here a bit more frequently as well. Till next time!
This is actually the first time I'm posting any video of mine here, then again it didn't match the type of audience the information was for. Anyway, here is my newest video about creativity and self love! We all need to love ourselves more and what we create and I see too often a lot of artists don't. So I decided to address this issue in this video and I hope you enjoy!
Also, I won't give too much away but I'm planning to make the switch to revive The Candy Sanctuary. I think I found my calling with helping other artists achieve the lifestyle and success they want to have, so I'm moving my new services to my Cake blog. I'll let you all in to what I'm up too since I'm finally shifting back into my creative lifestyle.
This is probably my first wip in a very long time. I haven't even updated my art blog with any recent wips in the longest time. Just checked (this world) and it has been 5 whole months, WOW. Even though I drew within that time I never uploaded anything, but that doesn't matter now. I have to do a major wip dump update soon but till then you get this cute little sketch I just did.
I just listened to a webcast about loving yourself and using EFT to help clear away the negativity blocking it. I tried it along with the webcaster and I have to say I feel a lot more loving about myself since I hold a lot of pressure on myself to succeed. I honestly do love myself but I hold certain standards to be able to love myself more, which is not healthy since one should embrace self love no matter what. "Tapping" which is another name for it, helped me see that in a bigger light. Even though I'm currently working on and did a lot to help myself succeed I still beat myself up for not achieving more. As well as avoiding parts of myself/life that I'm either deathly afraid of or have major emotional hang ups *COUGHARTCOUGH*. Knowing all this, at least on a much clearer and deeper level I can begin to heal those parts of myself that I'm afraid to face.
So this picture was a representation of that. Just the embodiment of self love, without the conditions, standards, woulds, coulds and shoulds. Something fun and loving I can do for myself, since I'm still a raging workaholic and feel like art/drawing comes after everything else is done, which is impossible. <:U Or I treat drawing more of a luxury than a complete necessary thing for my personal sanity...
Anyway I hope you enjoy everyone! :D Talk to you all soon!
*peeks through* Man it's been a long time since I've been here. (I stalk on here a lot though lol)
Haha, hey everyone! It's been almost three months since my last post here. That has to be one of my top longest gaps on here ever. I usually don't wait a long time to post since this is a really healing place for me to write out my thoughts. But somehow I never got to really write on here, or post wips and etc etc for sometime...
Of course I know you guys are like WTF, or maybe not, but in any case yeah, I haven't been active here at all lately. Though I still read up on postings and such, I really don't do much here. I'm honestly not sure if I want to put in the effort posting up pictures and such any more. Like how I was in the old days, trying to get back into the swing of things when TheO was hot and happening LOL.
I actually took the time to look at the fan art section (like REALLY dig deep into it) and the demographic has shifted quite a bit in the last few years... Like, a lot. I barely see any of the artists that I'm use to seeing and the newer artists here now are quite young, so the experience shows.
Since I was so curious of the lack of recognizable artists I decided to see the most active/popular art in the last year... There was literally 3 artist's art that I saw only. Artists that have been here for years so at least I know everyone isn't gone, but like WTF. Where did everyone go? Of course they went to college, moved on and etc but I'm really missing the community aspect of it all. I'm wanting to jump back into the fray and a lot of my friends and peers are no where to be found.
Honestly, really seeing this, like actually taking it all in is disheartening. I know everyone hasn't up and left and some people still post in their worlds now and again. But I do want to know what they are up to and if they are alive and kicking at the very least. At the same time I've been seeing the downturn happen slowly, I think now has reality stuck. With that being said, I felt that as an artist, I've outgrown TheO for sometime. But now I'm actually questioning if I have "matured" as an artist. Not in skill, but in spirit.
Granted I haven't been drawing like I used to so I feel that in a sense I'm stuck in a certain phrase. From almost 3 years ago... :| I have grown quite a bit as a person in that amount of time. But in my artistic self and life, I think I denied myself to really "move on" to bigger and better things.
Even though I didn't see it then, I see it now. I haven't "truly" moved on and in that resistance of not changing I stunted my own artistic growth. Which makes me very disappointed in myself, but I'm happy that I am able to see where I've gone wrong so I can change.
So I really have to be in the "now," really accept what's happening and move to another community, path, direction or whatever so I can start growing again. I'm not leaving TheO but I won't be posting art here anymore (beside wips and etc in my world). I'll probably spend that energy in my art blog while I find another art site. Though I looked for a few and I haven't found one that I really like. :/ DA is... Fucking DA and I highly doubt I'll be "active" there besides full blown stalking. I'll probably use it for my crafts if anything, but art wise, no lol.
I really like FA, besides the occasional drama and adult content you can wash up on but what site doesn't these days... I just don't want any kind of nonsense going on around me and a small tight knit group I can grow with.
So yeah, that is one of my many shifting tides in my life. I feel like I'm going through one of those "darkness before dawn" type phrases in my life now... *long sigh*
Let me know how you all are doing if you're still around lol, take care!
