Hey, ain't you heard? Swine flu is sweeping the globe! Hundreds dead! Thousands diseased up! Even more thousands homeless! How does it spread? I heard swine flu waits behind dark corners, and attacks you as you walk past! I also hear that when it kills you, it goes into the future and kills your children, too!
What, you don't believe me? Then you, my friend, are insane. You go against the grain. We live in a society that has a love affair with horror. We love fear! From communism, to nuclear war, to nanomachines eating everything, to new and exotic diseases, our modern society absolutely loves the feeling of abject terror. This is no different. Or, perhaps it is. This time, my friends, it really is our doom! So, you have every right and permission to freak the freak out.
"But Flint!" you ask. What is it?! Can't you see I'm busy fearing?! "I don't know how to properly fear my doom! Why, I don't even have a figure with which to cast blame upon, therefore rallying my fear and hatred against!" Isn't that answer obvious? If you ask Disney, it's Piglet. Ask Orwell, and it's Snowball. Yes, pigs are our enemy in this pandemic. "Why would pigs turn on humanity now, Flint? They're so cute and lovable!" you foolishly ask. Well, we have mistreated the swine to the point of absurdity. We cut them to ribbons and eat them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then laugh at them for being fat and wallowing in filth. It's only a natural reaction for pigs to develop a strategy for the elimination of the human race. That strategy just happens to be biological warfare.
Jeez, I always knew the age of humanity would be brought down by an another species, but pigs? I thought dinosaurs would come back or something.
Okay, you have a figure to hate. You're halfway to full panic mode. Now, you need the right tools for a freakout. In any global crisis, the proper gear can mean all the difference between being an insane rioter and a dead insane rioter. Fortunately for you, the right tools for this job are things you have around the house! Here's a few items that can and will be useful in the coming pandemic:
-Anti-Bacterial Soap (rub it ALL OVER yourself, to the point of excess.)
-Eye Drops (You never know when you'll need 'em, right?)
-World War I-Era Gas Mask (Provides the correct look for insane panic.)
-Full-Body Biohazard Suit (Feel free to paint skulls and/or demoralizing messages on this, for added effect.)
-Several Firearms of various sizes (When the pandemic comes, you'll need to establish dominance over the others.)
-Cyanide Pills (Just in case Swine Flu breaks into your house and kidnaps you while you sleep.)
-Coffin (Or at least a sturdy rubber box. Something to put your corpse in when you bite the big one.)
You've got the tools, so now your ready, right? Wrong! That's the kind of thinking that will get you totally wasted, both body and soul! What you need is the skills! The proper set of skills is needed in this panic to both survive (which you won't), and to show others that this is, indeed, a full-blown panic freak-out. Here's some helpful skills you should acquire as soon as possible:
-A good knowledge of several curse words, just in case any news cameras show up in front of you.
-Good cardiovascular health is essential to any panic. How else will you be able to run at full speed down the streets naked, breaking windows with rocks?
-Martial Arts is obvious. Not only will this help you establish a tribe during the panic times, but will also help immensely when Swine Flu sends it's strongest warriors against you and your rag-tag group of tribesmen.
-A good knowledge of bartering and appraisal will be great. When the full-blown pandemic is declared, all money will become instantly useless, so we will have to rely on bartering for trade.
-The histories of several different religions is key. That way, if praising/cursing one god doesn't work out for you, you have a host of other gods to try!
Well, I think you're ready for this pandemic, friend. You have all the tools of a survivalist nut, and all the skills of Dark-Ages Rambo. Now is the time to reveal just what exactly to expect from this pandemic. Swine flu is both incredibly crafty and unspeakably evil. It knows just the right points in society to strike to get maximum terror. Here's a list of things to expect.
-When the pandemic is declared, everyone will freeze for approximately three seconds, their minds processing the right reaction to this information. Then, everyone will become one of four things; Flesh-eating Zombies, Salty Raiders, Sheep waiting for their doom, or bloated Disease Bombs.
-When the pandemic is declared, all power will instantly fail. Furthermore, all technology will be destroyed. This is because Swine Flu hates what it cannot use, and will kill it if it cannot have it. We will live in a medieval-style society, harvesting crops and fighting off the Black Knight for our Lord, whomever holds the most guns in that particular area.
-When the pandemic is declared, all nuclear missiles will be launched simultaneously by Swine Flu. Fortunately for us, Earth will not be the target. Unfortunately for Uatu the Watcher, the Moon will be nuked to Hades and back.
-When the pandemic is declared, Australia will submerge itself under the sea for several months. The world will believe it has lost one of its continents. The world will find out that Australia was never a continent when it returns topside as a giant turtle monster. If it will align itself with humanity or Swine Flu is yet to be determined.
Now you know the facts, my friends. You are knowledged. You are fully prepared to head blindly into your inevitable destruction against an enemy you cannot hope to defeat. And now, I must take my leave of this place. Before I go, however, I will impart upon you a phrase I have taken to as my new catchphrase. Ready for it? Look around you. Is anyone there? Say this as loud as you can to everyone you see:
"Stay Smart, Stay Safe, Stay Swine Free!"