- Created By stars go bye
Isn't that an interesting word?
Just a warning, this is definitely the practical side of myself writing this blog.
"...and you want to marry this guy?"
Well, to be honest, I don't know, and I don't want to think that far ahead. We've just started. We're still trying things out. Before, I would fantasize and swoon over things because I'm a hopeless pathetic romantic. I remember though that I had come to this realization that it's only the case because of the "hopeless" part. I used to convince myself that I was a hopeless case and things would always just run in circles and I would let it happen because the truth of it all was that back then, being in a relationship scared me. I used to think that I could kind of relate to the people who say that they'd rather be alone because they're comfortable that way. But I guess it's just because it's something new, and different, and leaves you totally vulnerable. It forces you to be open, be exposed, able to get hurt. I think that's what has always scared me the most. But I've made more discoveries, not only about myself, but more constructs of life and my own personal beliefs. Also, this quote by Blessed John Paul II has been following me everywhere this school semester:
"Have no fear of moving into the unknown. Simply step out fearlessly knowing that I am with you, therefore no harm can befall you; all is very, very well. Do this in complete faith and confidence."
What I found is that it twists and pulls at you in ways that shine new perspectives on things. What you always thought just became something brand new. Something like that I guess. It is thrilling, and I'm not exactly sure how to continue describing it. It's just a completely different and unique flavor I guess in all the different spices that life brings.
"Love is friendship set on fire."
I'll take this step with you. Let's walk together and see where this path leads us. <3
So not everything is a walk in the park. It's not always sweet daisies and roses or whatever cliche I'm trying to get at. I'm not exactly sure why this is getting to me, but it's slowly inching its way, and maybe if I rant about it on here, I'll be able to kick these feelings in the face. :D
bllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh people......I'm honestly just excited for complete alone time with Just God and I. I'm about to go insane with everything that's happening around me.
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Well anyways, I didn't do so hot on a test. Like, this it was so bad, I don't even want to look at it. This really gets me because I really like this subject, and even though it was challenging, I always found ways to pull through and everything and come out decent. So I'm going to approach this as a way for me to come back stronger. There is no way I'm going to let this happen again. My rational part is trying to convince the side of me that's beating myself up that there was just a lot of stuff going on and that I wasn't even okay emotionally either. What the crap. I hate drama so much. Honestly, this is just way too much estrogen for me. Also, I've come to conclusions with some things:
1. I personally shouldn't be worrying about any of my problems, because that's how I get sucked into them. Just keep focus on GOD.
2. This includes boys. Seriously. I'll say things if needed to be said, but it's up to them if they listen or not. HE knows what HE's going, so just chillax.
3. Well, I was about to say more, but number two can basically be applied to number one, which was honestly the generalization for everything haha
Seriously though, I just want to keep things simple.
1. Didn't do so hot on test-I'll do better next time for sure!
2. Take it slow, let God take care of it.
What can I say? I just want simple. If it's executed creatively, that's even better :D
And for the record, I am listening to Mr. Simple by Super Junior LoL
Maybe if I ramble on and on about it here, I will be able to separate the "this" from the "that". Okay, first off, what just happened? You walked me home. In the pouring rain. We live in COMPLETE OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. Earlier today, you offered to carry my extremely heavy backpack for me. You are such a sweetheart and a total gentleman. In addition to this, you spoil me. WHAT IS THIS?!? I don't understand myself at all. I guess, when it comes down to it, all I can really be is gracious and thankful.
Yeah, no seriously. I don't get it either. It's ridiculous. I think I'm starting to get into one of those moods where I just experience negative emotion. Who knows? I just know that I am going in and out of feeling good/not feeling good (chillax, not pregnant) and I haven't been getting enough sleep(yes, I am getting into ranting mode, for all you people who haven't picked up on it yet). I don't know. I just feel like I'm experiencing a lot of things and not experiencing them enough. I actually caught myself opening up to people whom I never thought I'd find myself opening up to. Also, I would like to point out that I am very tired, and so I can't really speak English all too well right now, so bear with me please.
So, last Friday, there was this Sadie Hawkin's Dance. I ended up asking this one guy in a very creative manner, even though it was plan B, but it still worked out just as well. He said "yes" and that made me very happy. I don't know, I think right now, I just really want to get to know him. But, he kinda opened up to me as we were slow dancing, and it made me very happy and I really wished that they played more slow dances. Because, to be honest, even though everyone wants me to date and marry him, I honestly don't know much about him, which made me very happy that we were able to just dance and talk because I finally know a little more about him. I guess it's just the little progress. One step at a time, right? However, I really do wish that he could hang out with us more. I really do like having him around. A lot of people just see the student side of him, and so they just build up those home-school stereotypes around him, and that's not fair. It made me really happy that he talked to me about his high school back in the day and the little moments we had...I wish they lasted longer, but it's okay, because to have experienced it, if just for a short moment that lasted the length of a song. =^_^=
Haha, I don't know, maybe my pheromones are just going haywire. I mean, I just want to get to know people. :)
Another thing that struck me is that I was talking late night with one of my friends the other night, and she said something that really surprised me. She something along the lines of "Well, the thing about you is that you do everything in earnest...even when you're picking on someone or just teasing." It honestly surprised me, because as you all may know, I'm not very good at reading myself at times. I'm not exactly sure how it was supposed to be meant, but I took it as a compliment, and a very dear one too, not just because of the content of the compliment, but because of who said it. Thank you. :)
I could go more into this, in fact, I'd love to, but I promised to meet my friend at 3, and it's 2:58. Oh snap.
So, something interesting happened today. Actually, a lot of interesting things have been happening lately. But, I'll definitely share my newest thoughts.
I was talking with two of my friends and I was discussing how I haven't actually decided which track to go into with Psychology, whether it be the clinical or the experimental track. In addition to this, I am also a Pre-Med student (kind-of sort-of, pretty much). Well anyways, back in the day, I wanted so desperately to be something that involved becoming submerged into my art and music. I wasn't so sure of myself, but I knew that I just wanted to dive right in but felt that there was so much holding me back. I was willing to do it, I was willing to trade the world to do the thing that I loved and had a passion for. I was willing to lose myself into ridiculous hours and continuous practices that would last forever and forever, and be completely satisfied. I was willing to be judged for my creations and do my best to perfect them.
I guess now that time has past, and I am older and hopefully a bit more wiser, I've come to realize some things, which I'm surprised it's actually come to this. God works in strange ways. Like, why did He bring me here? And once this happened, why was I not accepted into the music program for this University? It truly did tear at me. The deal I finally was able to strike with my parents in order to get an audition was that if I got into the program, I would go forth in it, but if I didn't get in, I'd have to do pre-medicine of some sort.
So, here I was. My freshman year of college, as at first undeclared but now a Psychology Major/Pre-Medicine. The majority of my classes was more-so on the pre-med than on the psych for this year. And I guess you can say, I was more frustrated and upset with everything than happy about it. I remember crying a lot because of everything that's been happening, because not only did I have my own problems, but that my friends around me became involved in a bunch of stupid drama and a lot of things were happening back home. I found myself withdrawing from my current group of friends in need of space, and I would have a hard time talking/communicating with my family without getting frustrated and ending the conversation because I had to study when in reality I would be crying in some corner of the universe where no one could see me. I began struggling in class and stressed about everything that my body actually began to literally malfunction. I remember being in my anatomy lab when we had to test ourselves for certain things, and all of the tests should have came out negative, but for me a few of them came out positive, so much so that it concerned my professor and she said that next week I should retest myself and if it's still positive she would recommend me to a doctor. Basically, last year was fun and yet there were some down sides to it. It wasn't all horrible, I actually enjoyed some aspects of it, there was a lot of good that happened too. I remember talking about how I don't think I want to be pre-med anymore and that I might drop it. I was going to wait and pray about it over the summer and hopefully I would become more certain with some things once fall came back around and I would pick it up from there.
Well, now it's my sophomore year. I'm bringing things back to the present again (haha). When I was discussing with my friends today which track for me to go into for psychology, one of them asked me "Oh yeah, whatever happened to what you wanted to do with your art and music?" To be honest, the question caught me off-guard, as I was thrown back into my supposedly "ideal" world that I had for myself. After giving it some thought, I guess I really did make some reflections during the summer that would reflect on my life again. As I gave this person my answer, what surprised me is my own sincerity and sureness in telling this. I said that I've thought about it, and I've discovered that I wouldn't want to be in another classroom setting, having to follow someone else's guidelines for what determines art or music. When it comes to art and music, those are forms of expression, so it wouldn't make sense to build it upon what people tell you is considered art and music and what's considered not. I guess under certain circumstances, it would be good to have little guidelines here and there, but eventually you have to break out in order to make it your own. I've also realized that if I really do what I really love to do for my profession, I might become more concerned about the extrinsic factors (i.e. money) rather than intrinsic factors (i.e. my own personal enjoyment from doing what I love to do). Which means that eventually I would dread what I would be doing because I would find myself doing it for all the wrong reasons. To be honest, this thought was amazing in that I came to this conclusion, and frustrating at the same time because I knew that this would be true. I do feel better knowing that God spared me from this fate, so I can continue to do what I love to do for all the right reasons, even if it's not going to end up being my profession in the future, it doesn't mean that I'm going to give up on it and quit it. I also feel kind of weird and sorry because of all this confusion I've had and frustration with God and I guess impatience because I had no idea why He would give me these talents and this love and end up not allowing me to go further into it. It really is true. He's got it all under control and even though He tells you "no" it's actually for your own good. Even if you don't believe it.
I'm just so thankful and apologetic at the same time and later I definitely need to stop by the chapel.