- Created By stars go bye
The Struggles of a Conflicted Mind
There are some times when I look at things, and I'm just completely stubborn about it. Should I persevere? Or are you saying that I should just give it up already? Sometimes I encounter things that seem like it's just a constant downhill battle. I survived, but I don't know if the outcome will help me carry over into the future. I made it through, but did I really accomplish what I came to do?
Inadequacy. Failure. Disappointment and frustration of self and the fear of facing those who expected so much more from me.
Am I being blind to the things that are right in front of me? Is this life's subtle way of rejection?
A part of me keeps telling me to hold on, that there's still hope, and that I can make it. But there's these little voices of doubt that take advantage of my imperfections and weaknesses that cause me to think "Is this all really worth it? You're not achieving like you have been before, why aren't you picking up on the fact that you're being told 'no'?"
I work and work and work, and yet the results aren't what I'm aiming for. They aren't close to my desired answer. The frustration with myself pools at the bottom of my stomach and in the corners of my mind. They grow and grow and I can feel them eating away at the hope that struggles to continue on. I don't like it. I don't like this feeling of deterioration, this feeling of gradually slipping into self-doubt and ultimately drowning in my failures. Drowning in what I could not be, in what I could not have. And then, once the waters of unfufillment will drain away, so shall my plan, my direction. I will become trapped in a pit of confusion once again desperate to climb out. The things that I would try so hard to prevent would finally become true to me and my eyes will become clouded with the dissatisfaction of what could have been.
...
Fight. Win. Live.
I somehow wake from my darkness and struggle to come back to the surface. It's so hard but I can see the light coming so close, even though I know it's still quite a distance. It's there at the top, it's still within reach. Hope has come again to burst forth and shine for me once again.
Okay...I was rereading this blog to see what I wrote and I have no idea where that last part came from...but it all just now happened in my mind...the thought of drowning, and then somehow waking up with a desired will to continue on. The things I see inside me are really surprising, because sometimes things develop that I didn't intend for or even anticipate. I like it though. It reminds me that I'm not the only one vouching for my life. Well, this was an interesting turn of events. :)
Have a blessed rest of the day.
Retracing Time
"Oh how I find every subtle thing screams your name
It reminds me of places and times we shared.
Couldn't live locked in these memories
Now I'm chained to my thoughts again."
It's so funny, because I've had quite a few thoughts lately that I have meaning to type about and post on here, so I'll try my best to have a condensed version of everything on this blog :)
As more and more time passes by, I begin to find many affirmations of what I had said in my previous blogs.
"Break won't be bad, it will just be a week."
I don't ever allow myself to fully realize how much I miss a person until I can finally see them again, but the thing with him is that everything I did either reminded me of him or made me think that I wanted to share this experience with him. As I was sitting in my room, I was evaluating these feelings and how odd it was for me to think that. I mean, even with past guys I had liked and cared about a lot I still didn't want so badly for them to be with me or for me to be with them always, which means that this one is definitely different. I have never experienced anything like this, it's all so new. My mind goes back to that one quote: If this isn't love, this is the closest I've ever been.
Because that is definitely how I feel. Just the hypothetical thought of not having him in my life makes me really sad. Also, he was the first one to leave campus for break, and the day that he did, apparently it was obvious how sad I was. I didn't realize what was on my face until some people asked me if I was all right.
(Which leads me to additional thoughts)
Last night I was talking with one of my friends and she was telling me about the difficulty of having a long distance relationship. She mentioned how hard it was and how it hurts because she wants to be with him but she can't. I told her that if you guys really love each other and God is calling for you to be together, then He will make it work. I also reassured her that it's good to have bumps in relationships, because it helps you to work together to overcome them, and when you do you come out stronger. Then she thanked me and said that she'll go pray about it. I really hope that it did, and that I remember this advice if and when ever the relationship I'm in faces it. I know that love is more than just a feeling, and I pray that whatever life throws at us, with the help of God's grace we'll be able to work it out together.
Whatever God wants!
Huh, this is currently the only things I can pull up right now. Hmmm.
The Little Things
(a.k.a. Miles can't deal with suspense)
I've heard from different places and things that attempt to describe just what it means to know that you love someone and what it's like to go steady. Things that I've heard that at first I didn't really understand but thought were so beautiful were things like:
"I think whenever you experience something beautiful or get a certain reaction to something that is precious to you, you would want to share all of those moments with that certain someone. I think that's when you begin to realize just how important that person is to you."
"When you care about someone so much and when they feel the same for you, you begin to see yourself through their eyes. You begin to know that you are loved, and that you're not a monster."
I used to think those things were really silly. I never understood that, but like I said, I still thought it was beautiful. This first part just stems off what I had been talking about in the previous blog. The little things, like watching the sky, or seeing a movie, or even someday showing him the schools that I went to. I want to someday share all these things with him. It doesn't have to be now, just in it's own time, in God's time.
The latter thought however, I thought led to error. You have to be able to see the qualities in yourself as well, but now that I find myself in the predicament that I'm in I've come to realize that I interpreted it all wrong. You need to find qualities in yourself for the stability, but what's interesting is that the other finds things in you that at first, you may never even realized you had. Seeing that they believe in me so much with so much conviction inspires me to really think about things and then I find myself beginning to believe that "hey, maybe they are right: Maybe I can do this. Maybe I will do this." And then, maybe it will get to the point where there won't be any maybes, that I can do this. That I will do this.
Thank you for pushing me to be the best that I can be.
"The Fulfillment of My Every Dream"
I love you. I love you so much that I didn't think it was possible, at least not for me. It's this strange swelling inside of me that just grows and grows. I don't even know how to deal with it and then I start crying. It's not an upset feeling, it's like I just get so filled with happiness and thankfulness and Blessedness from God that he would let someone as amazing as you come to me and love me so much. You really see me. You really notice me. You take in all of me and you're okay with that, it just makes you love me more. How is that even possible? You take my flaws and turn them into something good. You accept me for who I am and you still choose to love me like you do.
I didn't know that this could really happen. Like I said before, I guess it could, but I never thought that it would ever happen to me.
You told me that I was the answer to your prayers and the fulfillment of your every dream. Your timing is always so perfect because I was just beginning to discover that about you. There have always been little things in my life that someday I would want to do with the person I love. This was always just a passing thought though, but what matters is that I did think about it. Little things, like "someday I would want to do this with him", or "it would be nice if he was like this or if he liked this". The more time I spend with you, and the more I get to know you, I begin to realize that you are all those things I've ever thought about.
Who knew that those passing thoughts were actually prayers that God heard and that one day would fulfill?
Sometimes when I wake up, I still have to make sure that it's all real. And then I get this feeling all over again knowing that it's more than just a dream. That my wishes have finally come true.
God has truly given me the desires of my heart, just like He said He would. The funny thing is that only now am I beginning to allow myself to realize those very desires.
Thank you so much for loving me, and know that I love you so so much, and that I thank God every day for you.
An Airplane from Me to You.
Our hands are like magnets. I didn't realize how lonely my hands were over break. Only now that I have you in my arms again am I allowing myself to know how long a month really was away from you.
"I love you."
I honestly love hearing you say that. As a hopeless pathetic romantic, of course I have seen and watched chick flicks and hear other girls about their experiences and read about things and blah blah blah.
What I didn't know is that I could experience all of these things. My head spinning, getting flustered, becoming clumsy when saying goodbye that I run into walls and people and anything else because I'm not paying attention because I don't want to separate my eyes from yours.
Isn't it silly? Part of me tells me that, and the other part just laughs it off and becomes amused. There was one day, before we had officially started dating, when we spent an entire day together. Now just so you know, I've always wanted to do little things with someone special. Little things like walks in the rain where I would someday get to share an umbrella with someone I really care about. Or, watching the clouds and seeing what they are, stargazing, playing in the leaves, little things like that. Well, on this day everyone else just so happened to be busy except for the two of us, so we ended up hanging out. The day was so nice, that we ended up watching a movie outdoors. It was a really nice fall day, and the leaves were just starting to fall down, so whenever the wind would blow we would play with the leaves and at one point we took a break from the movie and watched the clouds and pointed out pictures and shapes and such. Then, we went to the library and took a study room, to finish the movie because my battery on my laptop died and then we drew on the chalkboard and then looked through a bunch of pictures and learned more about each other and then had dinner later.
I'm bringing this up now because today we were talking and remembering this day. I told him that day was one of my favorite days of last semester, because that's really what I felt. There was silence, and for a moment it was like we were transported back to that time. Then, after awhile, I said jokingly "are you reminiscing now?" and he laughed and said "I was just remembering what I was thinking during that day." Then I became curious and asked him "what was it?" and he said "that I should ask you out."
That made me really happy. Then, on our way to Mass, I asked him "Do you want to know what was running through my mind that day?" and he said "What?" then I replied "that was the day I realized I really liked you."
I still remember my roommate talking to me and asking me about it because sometimes, especially when it comes to matters like this, I do my best not to read myself. But, this day sparked something that was slowly growing and creeping it's way into my heart that I tried at first to cover up and ignore, but it became inescapable.
It really is interesting. But, I am so grateful and I feel so blessed that God would allow someone like me to meet someone like him. Thank you for allowing us to walk this path together, and whatever happens, I know You'll lead us. We will continue to follow You.
Thank you. <3
