Where the stars go.

Created By stars go bye

Titles are acquired.

Well you see, I do this thing where I produce a mental image of me banging my head against a wall. Haha It's so silly, the things I imagine to suppress myself from really feeling what it is that I am feeling. For excuses for covering up my reasons. Tears swell up inside of me, threatening to spill over, but my dam built upon will power refuses that to happen. Good. Only, when I am finally alone, they still don't come. Confusion etches at me, and the real source of that is unknown, and that's what bothers me. My mom always tells me "The worst kind of cancer is the kind where you don't know where the origin is." Well, that's how I feel right now, which probably means I'm feeling lost. Lost. I can't quite see or tell which direction home is. I see all of these effects, but I have yet to figure out what the true cause is. I'm always so terrible at this. I pay attention to little details, but what I fail to do is pick up on the elephant standing in the hallway. Something I would notice is the colors of the ball he's standing on. I don't see how I operate like that, but I do. That's why one of my friend's always says that we complement each other because all she sees is the big picture, which is the very thing that I seriously fail at. Okay, so I know that I'm not good at that, but what makes matters worse is that it's so bad that I can't even figure out the true problem to all of my actions. I want to cry, but I just can't, and I can't even explain why I want to in the first place.
I want to just melt into a nothingness, just for awhile. Only for a moment, where no one can see me. Where no one can touch me. Where no one can break me. Despite that, I feel like I contribute to my own shattering. Collapsing into tiny shards so much so that I feel nothing. It's something I want and despise at the same time. I dislike myself when I am heartless, yet I dislike myself when I care too much. Either way, the pain is inescapable.
Such a fantastic dream. A dream of a dream. Everything seems so far out of reach. Phoenixes are truly amazing, being able to rise from the ashes like they do. This, is exactly what I must learn to do. I used to be so strong, being able to separate 'this' from 'that'. 'This,' was always my secret world, in my room, the conflicting and wandering thoughts of my soul. The things I suppress. Those I push back for a later time and just do my best to ignore until I'm finally alone, finally safe. 'That,' was always my world outside of these walls, outside of these posts, and outside of these words. What happened? Did I crack? It's time to bring out the duct tape and fix some things. I need to learn how to make things right again, bring it back to that weird stage or stability that I am used to. I can feel it coming.
I have to face it.
I must rise up from my own ashes.

Invisible.

I take these pills to make me thin
I dye my hair and cut my skin
I try everything to make them see me
But all they see is someone that's not me

Even when I'm walking on a wire
Even when I set myself on fire
Why do I always feel invisible? Invisible.
Every day I try to look my best
Even though inside I'm such a mess
Why do I always feel invisible? Invisible.

Here inside my quiet house
You cannot hear my cries for help
I try everything to make them see me
But everyone sees what I can't be

Sometimes when I'm alone
I pretend that I'm a queen
It's almost believable

I was randomly hitting random things on the sidebar of the youtube thingy, and I came across this song. I've had my moments where I've felt like this, and I'm sure at least at some point in your life, you have too.

You are seen. You don't go unnoticed. You are loved.

Always remember that.

Driftwood.

Lost and in this night.
There comes a time in a person's life when due to some circumstance, or maybe just a sudden shift in the air or change in the current, that one starts to forget the value of self-worth. How does one become so inanimate and feel so disgusted with oneself that they have to wikipedia the term "life" just to confirm that they are living. The inner frustration: what's wrong with me? Having to deal with the silly and ridiculous questions that tear at my very soul is like constantly trying to get up only to get knocked down the very instant you think you've found some sort of stability. Voices in my head split me asunder, contributing to this inner turmoil that is my heart. What keeps me sane, you ask? Perhaps I owe a lot to the music that is able to keep up with the palpitations that flow throughout my body. Why is it so easy to get cast off into sea? If only I could strap a lifesaver to me constantly, but yes, that always exists and has always been there, but sometimes it's so hard to tell when you're also battling the waves as well.
Catch me. Fall in. Break me down.
I'm so tired now, may I rest? Why must I fight? Why is it so hard for me to just be still and surrender?
Float. Be patient. Wait.
My eyes are open, but they fail to be wide awake. What is it that blinds me? The more I question, the bigger the fool I become. Forgive me.

My chin itches.

Yay! I'm experimenting with my method of posting again! Apparently this time there's supposed to be a video? Who knows...but yeah, if it shows up or if it doesn't, I recommend it being watched, just because I find this very amusing. I would love to ramble more, but apparently we're going somewhere. How about that.

I really do have a prayer warrior.

"Thank you so much. Believe it or not, this is exactly what I needed to hear. You're really good at being God's instrument. :) "

That was the comment that I left her. God, I'm so glad you have my back, and that you've given me a friend who is able to help me see what you are trying to do to me. It's so funny how things like this keep happening, even when I barely talk to her now, how in the world do we get similar brain messages? But you know, this is definitely God's plan, so here we go. :)

This summer, my assignment, my personal goal for myself, along with getting more in touch with my creative side again and learning how to play this one song, my BIG personal goal was to get more in touch with God and really pray hard and discern what it is that God really wants me to do. Unfortunately, being at home has given me opportunities to become very lazy and weak in both spirit, mind, and body. It's as though my garden that I've been taking care to cultivate has been attacked by weeds. I need to work on becoming a better person. It's funny though, because with the examples that were used, I felt as though it was being directed towards me, because I had experienced both of them and continue to struggle with it now. I guess this goes back to the previous post where I had mentioned something like "It's so much easier at college". Well, yeah, after giving it some thought and psychologically studying myself a bit, I have my reasons and explanations, but I also have petty excuses. I had frustration because of the trouble that I've been having, and deep inside of me, maybe even somewhere in the unconscious mind, I finally realize now that a part of me somewhere has been crying out for help, just wanting to be heard and waiting for the moment to be rescued, to be given that little bit of encouragement that is enough to you remind you of why you must fight. God knew I couldn't do this alone, so he sends back you backup. And so, I would like to thank you, prayer warriors, thank you for being wonderful instruments of God and allowing God to use your talents to serve Him. Also, I'd like the thank God too, and all of you again, for never giving up on me. Thanks, it truly means a lot. :)