Not Ready...but?

Last week, Mason and I decided to break up. It was mutual. I knew deep down that I had made a poor decision to jump into a relationship right after getting out of a rather serious one. It's been good for the most part. Everything. I mean, I'm still hurt from me and Brandon's relationship. Looking back at it, it wasn't very...good. He was not a good guy. He said a lot of sweet things, but did a lot of things that weren't so good. I know in the relationship, I wasn't perfect and didn't always say the nicest of things, but I'm glad I can own up to that. Can he? I don't know, but quite honestly, I'm really glad he's out of my life. It's much better without him trying to control what I wear and do. And judge me for who I am friends with and who I talk to.

Yesterday, it was a great day. All weekend I had to stop myself from trying to think about a guy who I am somewhat interested in, but I don't know if we'd ever work out or if in fact he likes me back. I decided today I'm not going to hang over the whole situation, because I know that even though I want to be in a relationship, I'm not ready. I have to put what's needed before my wants, and I feel like I have been doing that a lot more lately. The whole "not being in a relationship" thing isn't as complicated as it feels though. I know that. I think that my best guy friend of..what...4 years now has feelings for me. We once tried dating, but we were so close that it was weird. Not only that but I had just gotten out of a relationship, and again, wasn't ready to be in another one. We've both matured a lot since then, though. It makes this situation complicating, because I have thought about trying again with him, and right now he's engaged with this girl of 2 years. She's really awesome, a person I can really call a friend. Things with them right now, though, aren't going so well. Right after Brandon and I broke up (for the first time this time), he was telling me how he's not so sure anymore on how he feels about her. It's really rocky. There's no part of me that wants them together, but one part wants them broken up because I know he's not happy and the other part wants them broken up because he is like my best friend, and I wouldn't mind trying a relationship with him again far in the future when I'm ready.

With all of that nonsense above, I'm not stressing over it. For once, I'm not taking a situation and blowing it out of the water with stress and being overwhelmed. I have always been one to believe that everything happens for a reason. Right now, I'm making the choice to just let it be. To just let it happen-whatever it Is that needs to happen. If something blooms out in a relationship and it's good-then it's good. So for right now, I'm just chilling. Just living like I ought to.

Today wasn't such a good day for me because of a migraine. Not very fun, but eh. I got home and slept for 3 hours and I just took 2 Tylenol pm's so I can sleep soon again and to get rid of the migraine I have. The oh-so bittersweet heat. haha. STILL better than the cold, though.

Feeling Cynical and Numb to People?

I guess I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say in the title. After drama with Brandon and Kaylee, I am really starting to question people more and be numb to them and their feelings. My current boyfriend, Mason. He's...really emotional, I guess you could say. Er. Dramatic would be a better word. It feels like he mopes about everything and it's rather annoying. I just rub it off because I can't be picky too soon lol. I really just want a simple relationship. And I don't mean I think there will ever be a perfect relationship, it seems like every guy I end up with has a lot of baggage or something wrong with them. Brandon for instance, he mostly played out his life to be ten times worse than it is, he just had a kid with someone he apparently didn't or doesn't love while trying to be with me. With Mason, he has a really crappy home life, but I feel like he doesn't make the best out of it. I'm not good with pity. And lately, it feels like I am more and more numb to how he feels. He will sit there all sad and I will just go on with my normal day, because I feel like he mopes around to make me feel sorry for him or for me to coddle him, and I am NOT the one to be coddling people. His behavior is making things complicated, but like I said, too soon to tell. With Kaylee, she doesn't do that but all her little tiny problems she comes up with, makes them out to be 10 times worse than they are. "OH we're poor but it's okay my mom can drop a whole bunch of money on me and my sister because she uses our social security money on bills" Last time I checked, you're not living in a trailer park, in a trailer that's falling apart. Last time I checked, your family isn't living paycheck to paycheck because you still have the "wants", you meet bare minimum plus there's extra cash and you're not months away from living on the streets! I get really sick of people complaining they are poor because they can't do this or get that. So many people do it. I know for a fact I'm poor, no I'm not starving and we aren't living paycheck to paycheck either, but times get hard and we have struggled a LOT in the past, and no one sees me complaining about it ever. I just feel like as each year passes I feel less and less compassionate towards people. And now I'm about to pass out because I'm exhausted. lol.

Figuring things out.

So, in response to the breakup, Brandon flipped $h!t and ended up acting like the childish fool he really is, deep down. And sometimes not so deep down lol. Kaylee decided to continue talking to him even after all of the crap he talked about me. I'm her best friend-and she's mine. You would think she would have my back, not his. Even just letting him talk crap about me is not having my back, especially if she didn't stand up to him and confront him about it. He then decided to tell her that I was calling her names and that she's always playing the victim when in fact, those were HIS words, not mine. She said she didn't believe them so at least that's a plus. After I confronted her about talking to him, she blew me off about 2 different times about it until later she decided that if it meant causing a riff between us, she'd stop talking to him. He bugged out and was acting like a dick over it-like the dramatic child he can be. The next morning she texted me to tell me that Brandon was giving her boyfriend a ride to see her (she hasn't officially met him yet) and didn't really know what to do or something like that. Of course, that would be a really crappy thing of her to do. After she said she wasn't going to talk to Brandon. Letting him do that, letting him be a part of their first meeting, that's full on involving him, not just talking to him. That's straight up backstabbing right there whether or not I know about it. So when I was against it, I ended up being the "bad one", I ended up being at fault. How? Who knows. I made it clear to her that it was her choice, I'm not making it for her but I'm not okay with it at all. We worked it out but only for her to tell her mom and then her mom goes and says "who needs best friends when you have friends like her". Hm. That's nice. Last time I checked, it's a very crappy thing to go on and hang out with Brandon, regardless of who else was there and who it was. Yet of course, like 95% of the time, it's my, because god forbid I actually have feelings. I made it clear to her that I'm not mad at her, and I'm not. I'm just pissed off at this whole entire situation completely because Brandon screwed it up and ran his mouth, filling heads with lies trying to make himself look better-like always. I just have this deep hatred of this whole thing. And for it to get pushed on me, maybe it's not by Kaylee, but other people, it's twisted. I mean, what does friendship mean to people anymore? Yeah, I get that friends do things for each other, but not when it involves exes who screwed you over in the end. I don't care who the person is, I would NEVER let them talk about her the way she lets some people talk about me. Ever.

I have a lot of frustrations and I have no idea what to do with them. v_v

An update~

Soo.. On Facebook, someone I had met in Feb. added me on facebook and started up a conversation with me. I was still with Brandon at the time, so I refrained from going deep into conversation due to situations with Brandon and whatnot. We ended up going on a date and things went really well and now he is my new boyfriend. lol. It feels really, really awkward, because it's been a super long time since I jumped out of one relationship just to jump back into another one 2 days later. He's not even a rebound. I don't feel the need to fill the space that went missing when I broke up with Brandon.

Right now the most stressful and annoying part of the entire thing is that he won't leave me alone (Brandon). He constantly is talking crap about me on facebook and Twitter and is trying to make me jealous and whatnot but then turns around and twice now has asked for me back. TWICE. After calling me hurtful names and acting completely juvenile about the whole goddamn situation. Then he took a step up and decided to harass my new boyfriend, Mason.

I'm OVER him. Far, far over him. There were more bad things than good in that relationship and now that it's over it's good. Everything is better. With or without Mason, I'd be happy. He's definitely a plus though. He's really down to earth and he and I have a LOT in common. So I'm looking forward to what will come about this relationship with him. It's better to try it out than miss out on something that could be good.

End of that road-door closed.

After everything that has happened in the past week, I decided to end the relationship Brandon and I had on Thursday night. But after Friday, I was miserable without him. So I asked him if we could try again. Everything was alright but at the con, I had a lot of fun. I didn't cheat on him like he thinks. I danced with some guys, but it's not like I went back into their rooms to have sex with them. Regardless, I don't care anymore. I liked how it felt to be with people who understood and thought like me. Of course, the girl that came with me, Kaitlyn, had no idea what was going on, other people understood my fangirling. Not only that but people appreciated me there. Some appreciated me for better reasons than others, but regardless they understood. I always feel understood at conventions.