Once upon a time, there was a femme transboy named Kyle. He was very insecure, artistic, imaginative and lived in a very un-magical place called Kansas. Someone he once trusted, an evil, ugly witch cast a spell and manipulated the boy into having a romance with razor blades, fire, and self-destruction, and made him hate every inch of himself.
But this all changed when he met his knight in shining armor, Jason. Jason broke the spell with an enchantment called "love". Jason made Kyle's grey world flush with color. Along with friends of every kind, Jason brought Kyle to a vision of self-love and acceptance for everyone, no matter how different. Kyle became a prince.
But the prince is in distress-- his temptation to destroy himself, his doubts, his inner demons. But he, with the hope of loved ones, battles these off even when it appears he is losing the war. He will always find himself victorious with the wonderful people he grew to love on his side.
The prince finds joy in writing, drawing, acting, costuming, designing fashion, listening to music, making odd crafts and jewelry, and reading/watching things. Sometimes he finds himself among faeries, who he believes and finds his faith and ability to cast magic in. Other times, he appears as a fallen angel, a tragic hero. But most times, he's just a submissive and clumsy cat boy who wishes for affection and cuddles. His anxiety disorder cripples him, takes him away from his desire to be around people, and though he values his alone time, he craves company.
Though his life is not spent in a castle, he continues on and loves life. This is his story of romance, acceptance, and finding the beauty in everything.
First of all, I want to say that my boyfriend and I talked things out since my last post and we are absolutely fine. I just needed reassurance.
As of late, my moods have been either extremely high or low. I've been crying a lot. But I've been smiling a lot, too.
My appetite is fluctuating from binge-eating to hardly eating at all. My body is bruised up and sore. I've been violent to myself and I've had such a high sex drive lately. xwx
I guess I'll try to elaborate on each of those things.
I've been wanting to eat a lot of veggies and health food lately. But also a lot of meat. But we don't have much at my house so I really just eat what I can find. Not to mention that I'm probably lactose-intolerant. But I've noticed that it only affects me when I'm stressed ;-; so I think as long as I don't consume much dairy and stay chill, I'll be okay.
When I got really sick, I had decided to stop taking my iron supplement pills because I heard that too much iron can cause you to be sick and I haven't had my iron levels checked in a while. So I haven't been taking them and so, anemia is taking over. I'm so damn bruised up. And really sore.
But it isn't too bad, really. I think if I include more meat in my diet, it'll help.
Well, today I kind of. Self-harmed. But it's nothing too serious. The story behind it is about my lovely mother. Long story short, my mom for pissed off at my half-brother and I, so she threatened me and tried to hit me. I ran into my room and called my boyfriend and while I was waiting for him to respond, I punched myself really hard and repeatedly in the thigh, adding to the bruises left from my anemia.
It just really freaked me out. My mom hasn't been abusive towards me since I was 11 or so. I'm afraid it's going to start back up again.
But I'm sure that I'm okay for now.
And since last night, I've been really sexual since last night. I feel really submissive lately. I've heard of "subspace" that some submissives experience and I think I'm there. Just "subdrop" is what I'm worried about. But with Jason at my side, I'm sure I'll be okay.
I find myself really craving affection from my boyfriend. I've been obsessed with hickies and bruises lately and I'm so excited to see Jason hopefully next weekend. I want to be covered in his marks. The masochist inside me is really enjoying my anemic symptoms. We've been talking about new situations for us and I'm really excited. I crave being in his arms and around him. It's been a difficult time for us with his school schedule but I think seeing eachother will be relief for us both.
We'll finally get to celebrate our 2 years together nwn or rather, 2 years and a month now xD We have plans to go on a date or something and watch stuff together like we do usually. I'm looking forward to it.
So in other words, it's been an up and down kind of life for me, but things are looking up and I've just got to keep it together.
I've been really interested in ASMR and 3D audio lately. I'm actually listening to a 3D version of Honest by The Neighbourhood. It's so cool. *~*
This stuff is so cool. If you haven't heard of it, I definitely recommend looking up stuff on youtube. I've been obsessed with listening to a 3D audio thing of a rainstorm before I sleep.
It really chills me out and helps me stop overthinking before bed.
I'm still learning about ASMR but I'll fill you all in as I learn. nwn
I've been thinking about my future tonight and I'm definitely thinking of selling my own products and opening a spa one day. I'm thinking of studying massage therapy.
Also I'm planning to do a bunch of makeup challenges soon. nwn so if you have any kind of ideas for that, let me know c:
Anyway, I hope everyone is having a lovely week. I'll probably be here if anyone wants to talk. c:
I became a catboy a few nights ago. >w< super proud of this look.
My boyfriend dared me to do all of these so. yep. xD
117 questions. @~@
1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?
I'm confused? Uhhh. I guess I'm a bit confused as to why my stomach hurts. Too much food is probably the cause of that though.
2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?
More like "good afternoon" because I don't wake up before noon these days. xD but yes.
3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?
Yeah .w. smoking in any form to me is a bit of a turn off for me really.
4: Do you find it easy to trust others?
5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?
Ah talking to my boyfriend, probably. c:
6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?
Probably my boyfriend or Carli. I could see her getting me drunk tbh.
7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?
I would probably take a break from that specific relationship. I'd find out if it were purely physical or deeper than that. If it were just physical and I loved them enough, I would forgive, but not forget. If it was a real relationship, I would let them go.
8: Are you close with your dad?
Not close-close, but I feel pretty comfortable with him.
9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?
I wish ;w;
10: What are you listening to?
For Your Entertainment -- Adam Lambert c;
11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?
Probably tea. c:
12: Do you like hickeys?
I kind of actually reallyreallyreally like them. >///<
Yesterday my boyfriend said my skin was like a white canvas and he wanted to color all over it. o///o I don't think you guys understand how much I melted. XD
13: What time do you go to bed?
5am xD I'm gonna start going to bed at around 3-4 though soon.
14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
I don't think so.
15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?
Not quite, but still pretty quick.
16: Do you always answer your texts?
Almost always. Sometimes my anxiety gets to me or I don't have anything to say. But I try.
17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?
18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
Currently talking to him rn.
19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?
Yeah. :3 boyfriend, friends, anyone I'm fond of really.
20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?
Probably something about writer's block lol
21: Is anyone else in the room with you?
22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?
Sure do. :3
23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?
I don't think so. I think my life gets a little happier almost everyday.
24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?
:< yeah. Gabi and Corey. I don't know what I did to them, but they both unfriended me on facebook and Corey blocked me. I literally don't know what I did.
25: In the past week, have you cried?
Yeah .w. lots of stress lately.
26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?
Black and red. o;
27: Do people ever call you by your last name?
I don't think so.
28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?
Hope not. :<
29: Do you have a best friend?
Yeah, my boyfriend. I haven't talked to Tah-Tah literally all summer. Which worries me because I've told her to call me and she says she will but never has.
30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?
Very much so.
31: Who was your last call/text message from?
32: Are you mad at anyone?
My half-brother probably. But when am I not.
33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
My boyfriend is nine days older than me, woah.
34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?
He'll be 19. c:
35: How many more days until your birthday?
36: Do you have any summer plans yet?
Summer is over xD so no.
37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite gender?
All of my friends are girls tbh.
38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?
Nope. I don't like secrets at all.
39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?
40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
41: Do you think age matters in relationships?
I do. I don't care as long as it's legal or isn't too much of a difference. What would a 15 year old talk about with a 30 year old anyway??
42: Are you available?
Uhhh, like single? Nope.
43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?
Just one. c:
44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?
Godddd. I want my lip pierced. Or angelbites. And when I get a nicer body, I want to pierce my hips.
45: Do you believe exes can be friends?
I think so, as long as there isn't lingering feelings of love or hurt.
46: Do you regret anything?
I do, but I wouldn't do it over.
47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
Boyfriend, getting a job, writing, Kingdom Hearts, my health.
48: Did you ever lose a best friend?
49: Was your last kiss a mistake?
50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?
Because I already have him.
51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?
Yeah .w. but he always cheered me up.
52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?
53: What was the last thing you ate?
Mozzarella sticks. But they weren't all that great.
54: Did you get any compliments today?
My boyfriend called me cute. nwn
55: Where are you going on your next vacation?
I've never been on vacation. owo
56: Do you own anything from other countries?
57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?
I realized this when I was at school, waiting for my ride in the snow to pick me up. A group of guys threw a snowball at me and I flipped them off. I remember thinking "god I hate guys" and it took me a moment to remember that I'm a guy who likes other guys xD
58: Where have you lived most of your life?
59: When was the last time you took a long drive?
Probably back in June on my way back home from Jason's.
60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?
61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?
62: Who do you text the most?
63: What was the last movie you saw?
In theater, I saw 22 Jump Street and How to Train Your Dragon 2. At home, I think it was probably Rock of Ages? I didn't even watch it really though.
64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?
Aaa, one is his best friend and he gets uncomfortable with the thought of dating them?
65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?
Uh... maybe 2? I'm not sure who I dated back then. o_O maybe Matt? Idk.
66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?
67: Do you curse around your parents?
Around my dad, sometimes. But not around my mom.
68: Are you happy with where you live?
I don't like living in the house I'm in, but my city is okay.
69: Picture of yourself?
70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?
I, myself, am monogamous. However, I can understand the appeal of polygamy. I think I could get into it for just a meaningless fling, but for a serious relationship, I just want one person and I want them to just want me. I get jealous too easily.
71: Have you ever been dumped?
A lot. :< I've only broken up with like two people of all them I dated.
72: What do you most like about making out?
What is there not to like? It all feels so good. No but I love the bond it creates and it builds trust and you get to explore the physical aspects of eachother. And one of the reasons I like hickies is that they're like little reminders of love. n//w//n
73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?
I would never. Because I would get feelings and what if they didnt feel the same way! Or vice versa.
74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?
Kind of both? I usually start the kissing but after a while, he takes over. >>
75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?
Their smile x3
76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?
77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?
78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?
79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?
Heheh, Jason. >w< when I think of him holding me or kissing me or just being near me. Goodness
80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?
I think I probably would, despite my not wanting kids.
81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?
Yeah. o~o it was really weird too. She told me she liked me, and I said it was flattering but I wasn't into girls. She was like "that's okay, I'm bi." like ??? that doesn't change the fact that I'm gay xD
82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?
just my closest friends >~<
83: Do you miss your last sweetie?
Nah, because he wasnt a sweetie.
84: Last time you slow danced with someone?
I was a little kid and it was when my dad was trying to show me how to slow dance xD
85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?
Yeah. -w- never again.
86: How can I win your heart?
You can't because my man already has it. c;
nah but idk, just have a great sense of humor and be a nerd? I don't know xD
87: What is your astrological sign?
88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?
Talking to my boyfriend, probably crying. I was stressing out over stuff that isn't going to happen.
89: Do you cook?
90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?
Uh probably Connor. But our relationship wasn't really a thing tbh. I was delusional.
91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?
Not single cx
92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?
I prefer to be in monogamous relationships quickly. owo
93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?
Nice hair, nice smile. I don't look for it, but most of my exes had blue eyes and so does my current boyfriend. I like a boy who's cuddly and strong. I prefer him to be more masculine than I.
94: Name four things that you wish you had!
New clothes, new phone, flowers, more candles
95: Are you a player?
96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?
97: Are you a tease?
I've been told I am. But I only do it intentionally to my boyfriend x3
98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?
99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?
I was with stupid Joe, but I'm in deeper with Jason than I was with Joe.
100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?
My boyfriend xD
101: Hugs or Kisses?
How about both. c:
102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Apparently not. xD when I asked Jason though, it was 5am. I told him I liked him, then threw my phone on my bed and ran out of the room.
103: The first thing you notice about the opposite gender?
Probably height, hair or eyes.
104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?
I've never liked it with anyone else, but I like it when Jason calls me babe. However, we keep that and "baby" to a minimum.
105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?
Nope, and I'd probably be turned off because of the fact they're trying to get with me while with someone.
106: Do you flirt a lot?
I don't think so?
107: Your last kiss?
My boyfriend, right before I was leaving his town. Need to see that boy again soon.
108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?
109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?
110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?
My boyfriend. nwn
111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?
Again, my boyfriend.
112: Does someone like you currently?
I would hope so. xD
113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?
Indeed I do. Two years and still falling in love with him more everyday. <3
114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?
I prefer serious relationships.
115: Ever made out with just a friend?
116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?
In a relationship. But I don't really get bent out of shape over being single, either.
117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.
I don't have a question for myself obvi xD
First of all, I want to say thanks to everyone who supported me during my last post. It really meant a lot to me.
Okay, so I finally went and got checked out by a doctor after a few days of living in complete panic of doing so. I was so terrified and scared-- as I'm sure you could tell. I've been stressing out about it for a while now.
At first, it didn't seem like they were going to be able to treat me because my mom had no way of paying. Luckily, we found my insurance card. Then we finally got there, and I was too embarrassed of my symptoms to actually speak, I just kind of nodded and shook my head to answer questions. Then the doctor just like touched my stomach and I was very uncomfortable with that but it wasn't nearly as bad as what I thought would happen. Though I was crying my eyes out the entire time.
Then he prescribed me some medication that I have to take for three days, and told me to stay on a lactose-free diet. v.v He thinks I'm lactose intolerant. God I hope not.
He also is certain it's a stress-related thing. But like... All I've been stressing out about lately is being sick?? I mean, I did used to get nauseous when my anxiety started acting up, but it hasn't happened for a while until this episode. So I'm really confused.
My mom was stressing me out the entire day today. She was screaming at me about how I "made myself sick" and to "go pay for a therapist" and she genuinely got upset with me because I stress out easily???? Like yelling at me for being stressed is gonna help.
But, in better news, I'm already starting to feel better physically-wise. I haven't gotten sick all day or night even though I haven't taken my medication yet (starting it tomorrow).
Emotionally-wise, I... I don't know how I'm feeling. I've been having panic attacks left and right, crying almost constantly, I'm stressing out about how I've been stressing out. I've been getting insecure and upset at the smallest of things. I kind of self-harmed a while ago. Like a few days ago. It wasn't anything major, but I got really upset that I wasn't attractive and I slammed my hand into my thigh hard enough to bruise. Thankfully it faded already and I talked to my boyfriend and he helped me through it.
He's been the only keeping me sane through all of this.
I've been really worried about him and all my friends starting school. I'm the only one I know of that's not doing any kind of schooling. I'm a little worried they'll abandon me or forget about me or will be too busy for me. My boyfriend has been reassuring me of how these things won't happen and I think I just have to see it to believe it.
But I'm hoping that all this loneliness and hopelessness is just coming from me being trapped in my house all the time. I miss seeing my friends and my boyfriend and even just going to the grocery store. I hope I didn't forget how to socialize Dx
I've already made plans to change my lifestyle once I get over this sickness. I'm going on a diet; starting with a cleanse smoothie or diet tea. I'm not gonna go crazy, but I'm cutting out all soda and junk food. And I'm going to take a walk everyday and start doing yoga and I'm not going to worry about losing weight, I'm doing it purely to just feel better. And I'm gonna redye my hair and stop biting my nails and stop picking at my skin. I plan to get some new clothes. I'm going to achieve my ideal skin tone and I'm just going to really focus on being a better person without changing who I am. I'm going to tune myself up.
Plus, it's gonna be autumn/winter soon, and those are my most attractive seasons c;
I'm gonna get back into writing again. I took a bit of break because of my sickness but I'm feeling well enough to at least do that. So I'm gonna update my RPs tomorrow and hopefully do some free-writing as well.
I think for now, I'm just going to chill out and stop stressing.
A few days ago, I got bored and did another try at fawn makeup. I think I did rather well this time :D
But anyway, for now, I'm doing much better. c:
I love you all, and I hope you have a fabulous week.
It's gotten worse. I can't eat anything anymore without getting sick. All I've had to eat today is yogurt and bananas and bread and I'm still getting sick. And I'm getting dizzy and migraines from hunger and it's all for nothing. It's been two fucking weeks of this bullshit. I haven't been able to leave my house or do anything and it's driving me absolutely insane.
So it's official. I'm more than likely going to the doctor if my mom can get me in on one of her days off and if she can't, I'm probably going to the minor emergency room on Tuesday.
Words cannot describe how terrified I am. Terrified, embarrassed, hopeless.