Lukaiel. 19. INFP and a Taurus.
A pale prince. Taken by the knight of my heart.
Eccentric and anxious. Empath. Healer.
Fantasy/erotica writer. Artist. The biggest history geek.
Self-proclaimed fashionista and self-taught makeup artist. Aspiring model.
Absolutely nerdy in any way possible. Lover of the dark and spooky but also the cute and adorable. ~
Lukaiel. 19. INFP and a Taurus.
- Created By cheriblosomchibi
Wow okay so a lot has been going on lately.
I'll start with my job search.
A couple of weeks ago I created my resume and gave it to the boutique my mom's friend owns. After seeing how shy I am though, they weren't super impressed. However, while I was at the mall still, I applied at JCPenny's, and got scheduled for an interview the same day!
So a week after that, last Friday actually, I went to my first job interview ever.
I got there, and then I find out that it's actually a group interview, and they had me with three girls. (Playing it cisgender for work.) And the guy has us work together on a project; we had to create a building out of these Jenga blocks. It had to be exactly like the picture he showed us on his IPad, but we could only look at it for a short time. It was honestly really fun lol! We all got along well, and trying to balance things was hilarious.
Afterwards, I tried to make myself stand out more by asking questions and stuff. It all went really well.
The job is a permanent position (so it's not seasonal) and it's part-time. It seems like I have a great chance of getting the job there so I'm pretty excited. I should hear back about it this week, so I'll let you all know.
The day after that, Saturday, Jason came over so he could spend the night and go with me to the Renfaire! We just hung out and watched Ghost Adventures and The Little Mermaid, and played with the water marbles I ordered from Amazon. (I swear that I'm a mature adult)
Sunday was Renfaire day~ Jason took me, my dad, my brother and my dad's friend, and in turn my dad paid for everyone's tickets. c: I was an elf!
Oh man, the day was amazing. My anxiety medication is really kicking in, so I was feeling bold and confident. I actually went up to people, and made conversation! I complimented lots of people and made so many new friends, whilst reconnecting with some friends I lost touch with. It was so cool. I felt amazing, and everyone was so kind to me. I felt such a surge of love for people and for the world. So many people called me beautiful and wanted to get to know me. /)///( aaa!!
Jason and I met a woman, I cannot recall her name for the life of me, but we met her at the gate. I'm assuming she wanted to talk to us because Jason was wearing his new pentagram necklace so she guessed that we were Pagan. Which isn't really too far from the truth (for me anyway. Jason is an atheist. He wears a pentagram as a symbol of respect for the earth and elements and for protection.). She was so very sweet and was just such a kind soul. She told us about how she had been coming to the Faire since it first opened. Anyway, a few hours later, we heard the Faire Announcer guy celebrating that she had been proposed to by her fiancée... at the Faire! (Relationship goals!!) And she said yes! We met up with her again and met her man. They were such a cute couple and she showed her ring and a wax rose he had given her and she started crying from happiness and ohh, my heart! I teared up too.
Then I found some old friends from school to talk to, which was cool. This strange teenage boy tried to kiss my cheek. Instead, a new friend of mine asked if I would kiss her cheek so I did! That's honestly so.... weird of me to do, kiss someone I had just met. But she was sweet and I dunno. Maybe this is me without anxiety.
At the end of the day, I ended up with a print of Dr. Orpheus from Venture Bros, a House Stark sticker as in Game of Thrones (which is on my research journal), a hard perfume in the scent of "Mother Earth", and a pretty chip bracelet c:
It was a wonderful, mystical day!
(^ That's my friend Jeremiah! He's the one who made the slave bracelet I'm wearing. He'll be making me a steel necklace chain next.)
I've had a bad day today unfortunately. Lots of anxiety and sadness but I think it's because I ran out of my medication and I might still be exhausted from yesterday. @-@ I feel... like a stranger to myself. I've never known myself without anxiety and I'm so confused and lost. Is that me, kissing a stranger's cheek? I know that anxiety is not a personality trait, but it feels like I'm losing myself. It's really, really strange.
Losing myself but finding myself in other ways. I have been feeling very connected with my spirituality. I'm not entirely sure what's going on yet, but it's very comforting. I'm gaining a lot more power from my crystals lately and feeling more intuitive. The moon seems to have an effect on my sleeping schedule. Feeling more drawn to things.
I have a journal for studies about this stuff. So far I've learned a lot about pentagrams and palm reading. I was actually thinking of making a world here to post about my studies if anyone would be interested.
I'm looking into getting a really nice leather bound journal for my book of shadows, a tarot deck, and some sort of jewelry containing Rose Quartz to carry with me.
With my medication becoming more effective and my connection to my spirituality, I feel like I'm coming closer to my goal of being a healer. Which I am absolutely thrilled about!
So that's everything going on. I hope everyone is doing well! <3
-Lavender Lukaiel (idk)
Not a lot has happened since my last post, but I like to keep this up-to-date.
Alright well, with the job situation! I haven't heard back from any of the places I've applied at so far.;;; But people have assured me that sometimes it takes time, and I've decided that I'll call and check to see if they've had a chance to look at my application probably sometime next week. If I don't hear back from anyone soon, I'll probably go to the workforce center to create a resume! Since that boutique I checked out said they would be eager to hire me if I handed in one.
I actually had to cancel an appointment with my employment counselor this week because I am very sick. -w-;; Like. I have the flu. It's been a nuisance because I haven't wanted to do anything but sleep, but I have a lot of trouble because I'm so sick. @.@ whyyyy.
Chills, fever, nausea, head and a chest cold, weakness and fatigue, achiness everywhere. It's been hell. I lost my voice too, plus the fact that my nose is all stuffy so I sound like Lindsay Lohan (??? My friends and family all agree that I sound like her when sick. x'D)
I've been a little irritable since I'm like exhausted and sick. Luckily everyone has been understanding enough to put up with my bratty-ness. I turn into a monster when sick, honestly.
Oh! Uh, I've come to the conclusion that I'm a "little." I've explained what this means to me on Vent and Tumblr so I don't think I want to elaborate all that much on here just in case it makes anyone uncomfortable. It's not anything sexual for me but yeah. I talk a lot about sex though. I dunno, I'm slightly hypersexual, I think. Anyway! If you'd like to know more about what I define "littlespace" as for myself and stuff, here's my Tumblr post for it.
I've been reading a good amount lately. c: I'm on the second book of Game of Thrones, and yesterday I finished reading Crank by Ellen Hopkins. Crank was a really good book, my first Ellen Hopkins book. I want to read more by her now!
Renfest is coming up this month! So I'm pretty excited about that. My outfit for that depends on if I can get some accessories for a witchy elf kind of thing. If I can't, I'll be going as a wolf boy (one of my completed costumes). I ordered a necklace from Amazon a while back that I think will set a good theme for my elf outfit so hopefully it'll arrive soon.
I also ordered something for a Moogle cosplay that I've been planning: white cat ears! They have little pink ribbons and tiny bells on them. Now I've got to get the rest of my outfit and attach a pompom to the ears. :3
(You'll have to excuse my face. Again, I have the flu. I promise I'm not high or anything x'D)
Also! Jason came over literally the day before I got sick. xD We just hung out, ate some pizza, made out and went on an adventure the next day. We went to a park that I've been wanting to take him to for a while. It was really nice. c:
(We squished a bunch of water marbles and i realized the colors matched my socks!)
I think that's all that's happened thus far, so I'll wrap this up. I hope everyone will have a lovely weekend!
-A Very Tired, Sniffly Lukaiel.
Lots of stuff has been happening lately, so I'll try my best to not to ramble on too much. Plus it's like 6am here and I haven't slept yet so I should do that soon. x)
A while back I got to be a pirate! T'was fun~ it was a small event to promote the Renaissance faire coming up. It's next week and I'm so excited!!
This week was very, very rough. I suddenly found myself in a very self-destructive state. Suprisingly, with as much thought I had of it in my silly little mind, I actually did not do anything bad. Didn't self-harm or anything. Which is good. However, I was incredibly suicidal. All I wanted was to kill myself. I couldn't think of anything more. I'm not sure what happened; I was arguing with my mom a lot, she invalidated my depression a lot, but that's not usually enough to trigger that kind of episode.
And I've been having scary, violent nightmares anytime I sleep at all, so that's been great. -w-
Anyway. I had a lot of terrible days since then. Lots of stuff was just going so wrong and it was awful.
But I realized something: I have friends. I have more people in my life that care about me more than I knew. I posted a troubling status on Facebook and several people messaged me to see if I was okay, one of them even called to make sure that I was safe when I didn't answer her messages.
And I'm slowly collecting a cult of pretty boys apparently. I've been becoming good friends with some people I met on Tumblr.
People actually... love me? It's a strange, but amazing feeling to have support and love and people to talk to again after feeling isolated for so long.
Then today happened, and honestly this was the best day I've had in a long time.
So my employment counselor made an appointment with me, to take me to the mall and get some applications for jobs and turn them in. I filled out and turned in three applications today, plus another from about a week ago-- I applied at a Halloween store~
So I was totally dreading this plan today, my anxiety was sky-high.
But I applied at Payless, Third Planet, and a movie theatre. c: Then I checked out this new boutique that my friend's mom/my mom's friend (lol) opened. She said that a job would totally be guaranteed for me if I come up with a resume. Which I'll probably do soon.
And y'know? The whole adventure made me feel so much more confident, I feel so accomplished and excited!
So I came home feeling good about that, then my mom came home and finally was able to bring me my original medication that I'm supposed to be on so that's really cool x3 Hopefully it'll stop my nightmares and bad episodes.
Then my mom asked if I wanted to go shopping! Like dude. We are incredibly low on money most of the time so this rarely happens. It was so great! We went to Gordman's. I was able to get: a nice red shirt, an undershirt, some sparkly black flats, lace-up mid-calf boots, and a mint-colored wallet with a gold bow on it (baby's first wallet lol). I still need a haircut and some new makeup, but I'm very happy with everything.
Anyway~ that's all I have to say for now. Hopefully I can get some interviews scheduled and stuff but for now, it's time for this little prince to sleep.
Have a lovely weekend everyone!
- The White Mage
It feels like forever since I updated here. I gotta get better at pacing myself with that. >w< Let's see if I can remember what all has been happening lately.
My therapy clinic referred me to this employment... thing. I met up with a guy, his name is Dan. He's basically there to guide me through the process of being employed. He had me sign a form about my mental illnesses, and basically that means that whoever employs me has to accommodate for me to be comfortable there. Which is awesome.
Last time I met with him, he took me to the workforce center. There, I got an account so I'm free to use their resources to help get employed. I also talked to a lady who showed me everything they provide. It's... very hard to find me a job. Anything I'm interested in requires schooling or job experience (Ironically, I need a job to get experience and money to go to school. Ha-ha.) @.@ But the lady suggested that I try the mall that my mom works at, which may have more things up my alley. So Dan is going to take me there next week to look.
Dan intimidates me a bit, but he's rather nice. I just wish I could take someone I'm more comfortable with to the mall. I have a bit of an issue with selective mutism lately (something I had a big problem with when I was younger. I thought I was over it, I suppose not.), but having someone there really helps. But eh... maybe I'll be okay.
So I've been on my depression/anxiety medication for about a month or so now. I had just started experiencing the effects as I ran out of my first month's worth. But after finding out I can't get my prescription refilled until I meet my actual therapist at the end of the month, I decided to not go through withdrawal and take my mom's pills. They're a generic version of the same thing, so I'm okay.
The physical effects have been strange, but tame. I get a lot of migraines and a strange sensation of pressure and buzzing in my ears sometimes, and kind of dizzy a lot. I also have had a really low, almost non-existent sex drive. >///> but it's coming back, thankfully.
I've been relatively calm though. No angry ourbursts, no suicidal thoughts. Definitely doing better than I had been. I still have emotions, still feeling things deeply, still myself as far as I know. ^-^
However, this calmness is causing me to become lethargic. I went a while without caring about cleanliness (which, if you know me, you know i'm obsessive about it.) But I think maybe the pills just took away my anxiety about being clean and such. But it could also be the summer heat and stuff, for I am feeling better. Not anxious, but not lazy. A good mix.
I'm still anxious socially and that really wears me out. Some days I wake up with a lot less mental energy than I need, and that puts a damper on things. And certain activities really drain me. But generally when I run out of energy I just need to go home and chill, get a good sleep.
Oh, but speaking of being social and productive. I've gotten a little better at talking to friends. c: I actually started a text conversation with Tah-Tah, and then yesterday night I slept over at Emka's. Emka and I watched this awful english-dubbed anime which was hilarious. And she got me hooked on RWBY. *-* It was a fun time.
I've also FINALLY been making quite a bit of progress on my friend Wendy's commissioned painting. All I have to do is ink and paint it.
I've been thinking of getting more in touch with my being an empath. I want to take up palm reading and reading tarot cards. I have plans when I have more money to work on making "spiritually-pleasing" gifts for people, and even opening a shop one day for such items. I want to help people better understand themselves and heal them.
I think I understand myself better lately, too. I'm coming to terms with being someone who doesn't fit in, and that's okay! A lot of people are different from me.
I am sincere in everything I say and feel, I don't do anything to be "nice" or "polite", I just am that way, but I'm finding that others are not.
I'm simply too awkward for most people. They find me uncomfortable to talk to. I'm either too quiet and come off as rude, or I'm too talkative. These things are from my anxiety, but people find me to be creepy because of them.
I'm just. Not of the same breed as they are. I'm an alien.
And that's not a bad thing.
I've currently been obsessed with Final Fantasy IX. *w* The moogles have stolen my heart. (I'm planning a moogle cosplay;;) And the characters are phenomenal, incredibly well-written. It's a PS1 game, but honestly it's probably in my top favorite games EVER. I haven't finished it yet, but I'm on the last of the four disks, so I'm getting there! (I don't want it to end!!)
Also, Jason and I got to our three-year mark of our relationship! :D July 18th. We've been able to see eachother more often, which is lovely~
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say for now. o:
-The Moogle Prince~
(oh i'm a brunette now xD this color is here to stay for a while, i promise)
It's been a little while, hasn't it?
A little while ago, my dad and brother and I all decided to take advantage of free city bus week (since my dad doesn't have a vehicle anymore). We took six buses in total, and still had to walk a decent amount. 'o';; I was so sore and sunburnt. Forgot that I'm a fair-skinned ginger and thought it would be smart to wear a tanktop >> But anyway. We went to my dad's appointment at a therapy clinic, and he figured he could get me in while we were there.
We had to run all the way across town to get me evaluated. It was so weird... I filled out my own paperwork, answered financial questions on my own, and went to the evaluation room by myself. I felt so much like an adult. It was crazy.
I got diagnosed with having depression not specified, and social phobia.
I didn't get diagnosed for this, but I'm considering the possibility that I may have a mild case of OCD. I can get kind of obsessive about cleanliness and I do have small habits about counting things and putting things into patterns, and I've heard that thoughts of being impure/morally wrong and unwanted sexual thoughts can be symptoms. Both of which I struggle with occassionally. None of those things really mess with my anxiety except the cleanliness thing though.
Anyway, then the next week, I had my actual appointment with my therapist to discuss treatment. I guess it's more just like a doctor's visit rather than actually talking things out. Which was cool with me, as long as I get help and find results. Jason took me there, and the lady basically just interviewed me for a while about mental health stuff. Jason helped me answer questions that I couldn't quite comprehend and such.
Anyway, then the lady prescribed me Lexapro, a medication for my anxiety and depression. She said the side effects are mostly headaches, upset stomach and insomnia, but they should go away in three weeks, when the medication should actually start to take effect on my mood. I have all of those symptoms regularly anyway xD but yeah.
I've taken it twice so far. Yesterday and this morning. Yesterday, I got pretty sick but today is good so far.
After my appointment, my boyfriend and I went to the library c: we got quite a few books using my card, then he came over and spent the night.
Then, a couple days ago, I had some awful family issues. I won't go too much into it, but my stepdad almost got kicked out. But my parents worked out their issues and everything is fine now, thankfully.
Also, I've finally figured out things about my gender identity. I always knew that I identified as a boy, but there was some lingering feeling that "boy" wasn't complete. After researching, I think "demiboy" really fits. Meaning that I identify as a boy, but not wholly. I consider myself to be a tad agender, as well as a boy. It makes me feel a lot better finding a label that fits.
I'm still trying to decide how I want to physically transition. I know, for certain that I want a double mastectomy. But I absolutely don't want any kind of lower half surgery. And I'm still debating whether I want to be on testosterone. I'm leaning towards it, but we'll see. I've got plenty of time to figure it out. I haven't been really trying to pass lately, because even when I do try, I don't pass. I need a new binder anyway. I'll probably put more effort into it when I'm around new people regularly. Like when I get a job.
Speaking of gender issues, I friended my dad and brother on facebook. Now this was out of my comfort zone for a while because I was afraid of how my dad would react to my gender and sexuality on there. But my brother already knew, and I've come out to my dad before. He just didn't understand, because I'm feminine. He's rather open-minded, and has no problem with queer people, but he never accepted me as one.
But anyway, I added my dad on facebook and he added me as his son, and actually reffered to me as his son! ;A; I cried so much about it, I never, ever thought he would do that. And! He hasn't treated me any different. I'm just ;-; really happy about that.
I'm trying to get the courage to go to the mall my mom works at and pick up some applications. There's actually a new boutique open, and my friend and her mom own it. But I think they work at another location. Either way, I really need a job. I think once I have some money saved up, I may enroll for cosmetology school. Maybe.
I've also been thinking about asking my dad and brother about being part of their act. They created a band together, and it's a renfaire band. I know they're hoping to put together and act and perform at renfaires and such, and I still want to be an actor. But I don't have any friends that would want to be in an act with me x.x so it would be great if I could do this with my family. I'm not a musician, but I'd say I'm great with costuming and acting so :3 and maybe I could meet people to form my own act one day.
I'm working on a story that I think I'll be writing for NaNoWriMo. I've never participated in it before, but I really want to. The story is still in it's planning stages, but I'm going to really flesh it out before I ever start on the actual writing.
It's basically a werewolf romance story, that's all I really know now. I have the basic plot down, but nothing more than that.
Maybe I'll actually finish this story xD;; I have a bad habit of abandoning stories, so... we'll see!
I think that's all I have to say for now. Hope everyone's summer is going well ~
(i dyed my hair a little bit ago. it was supposed to be bright auburn, but turned out a faded pinkish color x'D i like it, but i'm gonna dye over it soon)