San: Separation Anxiety

“So, is it safe?” Sanji asked. He looked at the swordsman in the dim light impatiently.

“I don’t know,” Zoro answered gruffly.

“We’re in a closet together, baka,” Sanji growled. “This is more like a place to get laid, not be stuck with you. Shouldn’t it be quiet enough out there?”

“Let’s check,” Zoro snapped. He unfastened Yubashiri from his haramaki and creaked the door open, carefully sticking the scabbard through the crack. There was a shrill screaming noise from the other side of the door and Zoro quickly retreated. “Does that answer your question, crap-cook?”

“It had to be a horde of yaoi fangirls,” the blond muttered, sitting down on the floor. “It could have been fangirls devoted to me. All me! There must be something wrong with them…”

“Just because a girl doesn’t fall for your charm doesn’t mean that she’s off her rocker.” Zoro sat down next to Sanji and leaned up against the wall. “I bet that there’s been plenty of girls who have just smacked you across the face once you open your mouth.”

“Yuri,” Sanji said simply. Zoro laughed.

“You are pathetic, aren’t you?” he swordsman chuckled. “I bet you’re still a virgin too.”

“Oh, shut up,” Sanji snarled, elbowing Zoro in the side angrily.

“I love it when I’m right.”

“I said to be quiet.”

“Sure.”

So with that, Zoro and Sanji completely stopped talking altogether. Zoro smiled in triumph and Sanji scowled in defeat. They stayed like that for a long time, until Zoro fell asleep out of boredom. Without realizing it, the green-haired man slumped down so that he was leaning on Sanji’s shoulder. The chef grunted and shoved Zoro off.

Idiot, he thought as Zoro curled up on the floor. Sanji then surveyed the area of the closet. It was not very wide, being only maybe four feet in width, but was very deep, most likely reaching eight feet in length. Deciding to take this to his advantage, Sanji decided that although he would have to be slightly touching the marimo-head, as long as his feet were towards Zoro’s face, it would be alright if he stretched out on his back for a smoke. He lit the cigarette and laid down, purposely kicking Zoro’s forehead a few times in the process. After relaxing, Sanji ground out the cigarette and turned onto his side, falling easily asleep. It was not long before Zoro woke up with a cough, choking on the smoke still lingering from Sanji’s cigarette. After Zoro caught his breath, he curled up on the ground again and promptly fell into a deep sleep.

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“Good! This is good! You two really have improved!” Darla cheered, clapping for Luffy and Usopp as they flew through the air with the assistance of the trapeze cords. It was getting close to dinnertime and after a long day of falling and becoming tangled, the two replacements had learned their act thoroughly. Both fell down on a mat below the wires and collapsed out of exhaustion.

“I better go get some food for them,” Chopper said before scuttling off. “Just watch over them for me, please?”

“Sure,” Darla said. She walked over to the mat and sat down cross-legged between Luffy and Usopp. She looked at the sniper and blinked deftly. The girl then looked over at the captain, allowing a smile to cross her lips. She watched as Luffy lay spread-eagle on his back, breathing deeply.

“This is hard work,” Luffy panted.

“I think you two are ready to help out tomorrow night,” Darla laughed. Luffy looked at her smiling face and let out a weak chuckle himself.

“You think so?”

“I know so.” Darla shifted in her spot and laid down on her back, gazing up at the ratted tent ceiling with the trapeze rope hanging from it.

Suddenly, Darla felt something tug at her feet. She jerked into a sitting position and saw that Luffy was curled up, hugging her ankles tightly and fast asleep.

“Usopp-san!” Darla gasped. “What is Luffy-kun doing!?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Usopp sighed. “He’ll stop once Chopper comes with his food. He never passes on dinner.”

“Waugh!” screamed Chopper, as if following Usopp’s cue. The little doctor ran into the tent in full reindeer form, a pack of screaming, squealing fangirls behind him. The mob ran in, pausing only to look briefly at Usopp, Luffy and Darla before wrinkling their noses, someone muttering about a Mary Sue threesome, and running off again after the reindeer.

“Now I have no clue about them,” Darla said before Usopp could even open his mouth to speak.

Then again, a pack of screaming fangirls is hardly ever normal, even for the circus.

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Nami tapped her foot impatiently and scowled. She glared up at the clock on the galley wall, officially irritated.

“I am sure they will come back soon,” Vivi assured. “I don’t think that they would run away on us.”

“Vivi,” Nami said icily, “it is six-thirty in the evening. Sanji has not even started to make dinner.”

“Maybe he thought we were all going to eat out tonight?” the princess offered. She shrugged and gave a little smile, trying her best to calm down the furious redhead.

“If they are not back here by sunset,” Nami growled, “heads will roll in the morning.”

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Sanji shifted comfortably, pleased by the unknown source of warmth that was wrapped around him. He lay perfectly still, trying to remember where he was and why he was there, considering he could feel a hard dirt floor beneath him. He was unsure about how long he had been sleeping, but that did not matter, for he was warm and despite the floor, amazingly comfortable.

Oh yeah, that’s right, the closet, he muttered silently. I better wake up the marimo-brain and see if we can get out of here… Sanji went to sit up, but found that something was holding him in place.

That something was Zoro’s arm.

The chef was furious, to say the least. He snapped open his eyes to find that his nose was barely an inch from Zoro’s chest, which explained why he was so warm. Feeling very, very, very filthy, Sanji’s reflexes “slipped” and he rammed his knee between Zoro’s legs. Zoro awoke with a start and a profane expletive. He glared over at Sanji once he gained his bearings and hissed.

“You dickweed!” the green-haired man growled. Sanji simply lit a cigarette and sneered.

“You were the one invading my personal space,” the blond reasoned. “I am not your teddy bear or your uke.”

“Hey, I can’t help it if I do that,” Zoro grunted, as if he knew exactly what Sanji was talking about. “It wouldn’t have mattered if you were Luffy, Vivi, Usopp or even a porcupine, but that’s what I do in my sleep if I’m laying down. That’s why I always sleep sitting up unless I’m in my hammock. Actually, right now, I think I’d rather end up hugging a porcupine than you.”

“Only because you know that I would so totally be the seme,” Sanji teased. He was disgusted with the very idea himself, but nitpicking at the swordsman’s manhood was always fun, no matter his own personal expense.

“Bastard.”

“Are those swords compensating for something we don’t know about?”

“Go screw yourself.”

“’Cause I’m just that good,” Sanji chuckled, a sly grin wiping across his face.

Not even a second later, the chef found himself being tackled, two firm hands clutching his throat. Sanji gasped for air and this time his reflexes were natural. He kicked against the ground, using the momentum to flip Zoro over so that the shit-swordsman busted down the door and was on his back, seizing the moment to drive his elbow into his throat. Zoro coughed violently, spittle forming at the corners of his mouth. He let go and threw Sanji off, rolling over so that he could support himself against the ground with his hands as he gasped for life.

“That’s what you get, shit-marimo,” Sanji said, his voice raspy. He then gasped when he realized that they were out of the safety of the closet. The chef curled up into a ball, expecting the worst of the squealing wrongness to attack him, but nothing came. Sanji glanced around, finding that actually, he and Zoro were the only two in the hallway.

“Well, this is odd,” he said, standing up and brushing the dust off of his suit. “I thought you said something about them not leaving.”

“They must have been distracted,” Zoro wheezed, almost having recovered from the scuffle. “Come on, we have to go find Nami and Vivi. They can talk some sense into those crazy-nasties.”

“Why Nami-san and Vivi-chan?” Sanji sneered.

“I don’t want their help either, but they should be able to talk to the fangirls so that we can get them to leave us all alone.”

“‘Us all’?” Sanji questioned. “What do you mean by that… or is it that you just can’t speak correctly?”

“Think about it,” Zoro grunted. “What about the rest of the crew? I bet they were the ones who accidentally distracted them.” Sanji’s eyes grew wide as he paused mid-reach for a cigarette.

“No!” he gasped, his face turning slightly green with nausea. “They’re two ukes and bestiality in the making! That’s just wrong!”

“Exactly,” Zoro said calmly. He folded his arms akimbo and gave a slight nod. “I’d bet you any amount of money that at least one of the girls can speak their language.”

“Then we have to go find Nami-san and Vivi-chan!” Sanji cried, shaking Zoro’s shoulders desperately. Zoro just raised his eyebrow and frowned.

“Uke,” he muttered. Sanji let out a faint squeak and removed his hands from the swordsman’s shoulders. Zoro then took off, running in the direction he thought Nami and Vivi would be in. Sanji unfortunately followed, not wanting to be caught alone against the horde of fangirls, because even he knew that they were probably his only weakness.

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Contrary to Zoro’s theory of sheer brilliance, Usopp and Luffy were not being tortured by the yaoi fangirls. In fact, they were quite safe from said fangirls. Although neither teen had seen Chopper since the day before, they were pleased with the fact that they had not been so much as touched on accident the entire time they had been there. Usopp had been forced to fetch dinner and he, Luffy and Darla all ate together. Afterwards, it was very late, so the three had ended up collapsing on one another, Darla and Usopp’s shoulders touching as they were sitting up against the wall of the walk-in costume wardrobe and Luffy ended up spreading himself over Darla’s lap while sleeping. It was a sight to see when Pram and Henk walked into the wardrobe, looking for where Darla had gone.

“Whaaa…!” Pram began to shout. His scream was cut off by Henk’s hand as the man dragged his out of the wardrobe and into the hall.

“Stay calm Pram!” Henk half-whispered. “They’re sleeping! Do you really want to wake them up!?” Pram pried the hand from his mouth and scoffed.

“That is my granddaughter in there!” Pram argued.

“Yes, doing the exact thing I warned you about,” Henk sighed. “What are you going to do besides break her heart? Do you want another runaway?”

“No,” Pram said curtly. “Runaways are supposed to join the circus, not leave them.”

“Exactly,” Henk nodded. “We have to make this more an accident than ever, but not get Darla in harm’s way. This means that guns are out of the question, as well as sabotaging the ropes.”

“Well, we were already told that guns don’t work on the Mugiwara,” Pram mentioned sourly.

“Exactly. My guess is that we need to use some of the uncanny imagination that we’re infamous for,” Henk chuckled. The two men gave one another a high-five and walked off to go plot maniacally. Little did they know that Usopp, who had not been asleep at all when the men walked into the wardrobe, had been listening to the conversation with his ear pressed against the door.

“Oh no!” he whispered. The sniper’s face flushed as he looked over at Luffy and Darla curled up together, unaware of anything that was going on around them. Usopp gulped and clenched his fist. He was going to have to be the Dread Captain Usopp and protect Luffy and Darla from Pram and Henk, no matter how strange the situation seemed. He stood up and his knees turned wobbly. He shrank back down to the floor and whimpered.

Maybe, just to be fair, he should give Pram and Henk a head start.

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Chopper looked around in fright. He had been running a good part of the night and was exhausted. He collapsed onto the ground while still in full reindeer form. There was no two ways about it; he had to find the others, fast.

Where is everyone!? he whined internally. I wish I stayed with Nami and Vivi! Then I wouldn’t be in this mess!

“There he is!” screeched the shrill voice of the Head Fangirl. Chopper’s eyes grew wide and he tried to run, but found that his legs were worn out to the point of not being able to move. Panicking, Chopper screamed in terror as the shadows closed in on him. Instinct made him transform into his half-humanoid form, which caused some squealing to erupt from the pack of fangirls. Chopper wished that he got out of this nightmare alive.

Besides, how was having a blue nose anything even closely considered “kawaii”?