Fifty-One Helpful Tips for the Otaku Workplace

The following is a list of varied inspiration. One is a similar list about the military found on the internet a few years back. I work in a grocery store however, making this list a smidgeon different. Another would happen to be real experiences I have personally had, or witnessed. Others are ideas I have had and figured I would get fired for doing so. Without further delay, I wish to present now...

Fifty-One Helpful Tips for the Otaku Workplace

1. It is not proper to talk to young children about anime, even if they are wearing Naruto paraphernalia.

2. Reading manga while on duty is not considered professional.

3. Must not wear my apron around the store like a cape.

4. Rants of anime, manga, Japanese film, and Japan itself tend to scare the Okinawan coworker.

5. Pocky is not really an appropriate Christmas present for your 50-something non-otaku boss.

6. Do not introduce yourself to the new person using an internet alias, no matter how tempting.

7. J-pop is not appropriate to sing while cleaning.

8. ...as is cussing in Engrish.

9. Monitor which movies you quote. Not everyone knows why Smurfs are asexual.

10. Exclaiming loudly in Japanese after completing a training task only gets you stared at.

11. Pricing guns, nor sticks of salami, may be set to “stun”.

12. Climbing to high places and pretending to be a ninja during store hours is not wise.

13. It is inappropriate to switch the topic of conversation from gas prices to post-apocalyptic motifs in anime, particularly if it is with a customer.

14. Giving a non-otaku coworker a CD of burned English-language anime songs sung by native speakers is cruel, especially when you tell him/her to figure out the artists.

15. It annoys your coworkers if you wander around the store playing the guitar while they’re working frantically to stay on-task. Do not defend yourself by saying you are a wandering minstrel; that only makes it worse.

16. The in-store intercom system is not to be used to have conversations across the store.

17. Your coworkers do not want to hear about your manga addiction, just like you are not too keen on hearing about their boy/girlfriend issues for the fifty-seventh time.

18. Parents find it odd if you call their four-year-old son a “little Saiyan cutie”, simply because he’s wearing a shirt with Goku on it.

19. Bowing to customers is odd in Western society, not respectful.

20. Must keep Heroes talk to a minimum, even if you’ve found others who are as excited for the Villains installment as you are.

21. It is not wise to predict the future using the Ghost in the Shell time line. People will take you seriously.

22. Counting in binary, on your fingers, should never, ever reach four. Just ‘cause.

23. It is not polite to refer to customers by nicknames, even if they do look like Jabba the Hutt.

24. ...and writing “Pressed Corn Beef Guy by creepy-overload” is not good material for the Death Note. I think Ryuk may need more to go by than that.

25. The Haruhi Dance, as well as Caramelldansen, should not be performed while on company time.

26. Dethklok is not a wise substitute for the store radio... ever. It scares old people.

27. Adding honorary suffixes to coworkers names is frowned upon. (Sean-kun, Rose-chan, Kathy-sempai, etc.)

28. Do not write fanfiction at work, even if you need to write it before you forget.

29. Must not argue with young children about the stopping point of Pokemon. (151, damn it...)

30. Leave the candy tin shaped like a “1 UP” at home.

31. Must not use “works with knives” to describe using a box-cutter or kitchen knife.

32. Department managers are not to be referred to or described as any of the following: Vissers, Espadas, Akatsuki, homunculi, Sith Lords, the Guild of Calamitous Intent, Ols, Tenryuubito, Death Eaters, the Red Dragon, the Juppongatana, Klokateers, tengu, Ra’zac, “The Company” and Uruk-hai.

33. A plastic spoon is not a proper substitute for a kunai.

34. You are not an undercover agent for the Red Ribbon Army.

35. Customers generally do not know the name of their Stand, nor do they care that yours is named “Asian Kung-Fu Generation” and is highly skilled at the hokey-pokey.

36. Not everyone enjoys haiku about various positions in the store.

37. There is no number thirty-seven.

38. Chant all you want, but no Dragu Slave will come and incinerate the jerk screaming into his hands-free cell phone down Aisle Two.

39. Children’s card games stay away from the break table.

40. The floor-waxing machine does not become a battle-mecha.

41. Same goes for the box-crusher.

42. Do not quote the 4Kids English-language translation of Gol D. Roger’s last words when referring to your paycheck.

43. Must not pretend PEZ candies are mod-souls... while in the presence of customers.

44. It is unwise to roleplay “Gunslinger Cats” in the store, even if you are in the Chicago area and are a dead-ringer for Rally.

45. Customers cannot roll a Critical Miss for their Fortitude/Wisdom Checks... they’re always right.

46. You are not paid in the following: munny, studs, Zelda rupees, double-dollars, credits, beli, golden rings, galleons, star chips and extols.

47. Must not convince the store idiot that Shamballa is a real country and that you have ancestors from there.

48. Attempting to play Pooh-sticks by dropping things into customers’ carts is not recommended.

49. Your coworkers may look at you funny if you tell them they look “battle-ready” before punching in for shift change.

50. “It’s essential” may not convince managers to allow you to bring a bath towel to your designated work station.

51. Do not use the large tubing from the over-sized plastic wrapper to pretend you are Mega Man.

Have some more? Share in the comments!