Castles are hard to scrub when you're drawing.

It’s kind of funny that for years, I’ve rambled on to students and convention goers alike that if you plan to be an artist that puts yourself in the public eye, you must, above all else, keep the smile on your face. When you are angry, smile your way through it. When you are hurt, smile your way through it. When you are lost and stuck in the mires of artistic loss, smile your way through it.

It would probably do me good to follow my own advice.

I always say, “When I became an artist…” but that’s misleading. I’ve been drawing, creating, and pouring my heart out in artistic fashions since I was a little girl. It’s in my blood. So I’ll say instead, when I became a serious freelance illustrator and character designer, deep down I never intended to get very far. I was, sadly, one of those girls who bounced up and down in a blatantly geeky display at Suncoast while buying up whatever anime offerings I could get my hands on after work on Tuesdays. I proudly proclaimed that I wanted to be a “manga-ka”. I was blinded by my glee and my love for what I was doing. I struggled in social aspects as any young twenty something does, but over the years, that has mellowed despite how perky I seem at times. Now, I almost look back with shame. I was one of those obnoxious fan-girls that everyone wanted to most likely murder.

Now, I find myself jaded and somewhat bitter, finding myself living the dream and yet discovering the dream is nothing like I imagined. It’s like Cinderella got to marry the prince, but woke up one day to discover that he was a lazy slob who never washed, and she was still stuck doing all the damn housework. Only this time, she was scrubbing a castle’s worth of crappy toilets instead of just one.

I do this panel called Artist’s Alley 101 & Beyond, and it’s been run everywhere from Acen to Sugoicon to AnimeIowa and several others. But the tone, the lessons of the panel, has changed over the years. It started as a diatribe of hope and glory. “Never give up your dream,” I would say. “If you follow your dreams, you really can achieve anything, if you want it badly enough.”

I still think that is very true, and far be it from me to tell any youngster or aspiring illustrator that they can’t make it. That’d be really stupid. Hell, I never thought I’d get anywhere. Some days, I still think I’m nothing more than a hack that got extremely lucky to get published deals and other miscellaneous projects. I still think that if you follow your dreams, you can achieve anything you want.

Just…don’t expect it to be anything like what you expect.

There’s a line in the musical Wicked (there goes my theatre geek showing again) where Galinda says “’Cause getting your dreams is strange, but it seems, a little….well…complicated.” I couldn’t have put it better myself. There are obstacles to face, and some of them are terrifying.

You have the threat of the industry you love so much and work in so closely barreling out and dying around you for sad reasons that could have been avoided.

You have to wake up and force yourself to do that which you love, but you are no longer doing it for yourself. You are doing it for others, and in that, it eventually takes a good chunk, if not all, of the fun out of it, like squeezing the last ounce of juice from an orange that has been reduced to pulp, but you still have to somehow fill an entire carafe.

And then there is the double threat of internet hate and criticism, both of which can hurt and scar emotionally. There are people out there who have nothing better to do with their time than write faceless, witless critiques of not your work, but of you as a person. Because of the style of art you draw, or because you are a fan of j-rock, or because you named your pet after your favorite ninja.

Finally, there is the greatest fear any artist can know. Doubt.

There is a fine line between chasing your dreams, and allowing them to be run into the ground. I am grateful for everything I’ve been given. Karma has been pretty good to me, so maybe the fall will be twice as grand and violent. Who knows? I hope I get back what I put in. I managed to be published in other countries through projects, worked on some fabulous games, even have items on sale through Diamond and on Amazon. My work has been sold in Japan, and our studio has managed to have several invites to different conventions, and new ones are already coming in for 2009.

I can say, wholeheartedly, that I’ve achieved everything I sought to do. And though bitter, I am truly, deeply happy.

As the end of this year spins closer in a spiral of chaos, I realize what an insane year it has been, not just because of political debates and immense needed change for the country, not because of the recession, not because of the impacting family events that have kept me so busy, emotional, and intent this year. No, it was an insane year because I realize that I was ready to walk away and move on to some other part of my life. After all, I’d done what I set out to do. I had, and still have, no regrets.

But, ironically, we seem to be picking up speed just when I stop reaching for it. Now, the momentum carries us swiftly in a direction I never figured would come. I never saw this on the map, never charted this course for myself. I am glad. I am grateful. And I am SO god damn confused!

Is it true that artists of all types never really reach popularity or marginal success until they are jaded and no longer care? I know so many people who have told me this, and now it seems so true.

Ah well. I like roller coasters. Might as well sit back and enjoy the ride, come what may. =) I do still love to draw, and I’m eager to see what the new years brings.

Cinderella wishes the castle wasn’t so damn big and smelly, and that her prince charming would clean himself up once in a while. But she still loves him, and that goofy castle.