This is for you, Lee Owns, my L33T M45T3R!! Thanks for being my mentor and believing in me!
Prologue
~
Crickets chirp in the background of the twilight. The stars shine on your face, so handsome, yet so tragic. I always said that beautiful things were so fragile, but never in my worst nightmare did I imagine it coming true. You didn’t eat anything last night. Judging by your lean, gaunt figure your simple sleeveless black turtleneck covers under your jacket, this wouldn’t be the first time you didn’t eat. That’s not like you at all. I shake your shoulder gently to wake you, and you grunt softly as your eyes blink open. They show a gentle love covered by fear. I wish so much that you weren’t afraid of me, that I wasn’t afraid to confess my own love for you… that I could run my fingers through your silky lavender hair… that I could hold your hand and hug you when you cry… that I could kiss your soft, pale face…
“Jess, what is it?” you mumble, voice fogged by lack of sleep. For a moment I’ve forgotten why I’ve come here, and then I remember. I offer you the doughnut you left on your plate. After staring at it longingly, you shake your head, massaging your throat. “It hurts,” you whimper. I try to force it down your throat, but you cough weakly and your eyes fill with tears. I sigh and ruffle your hair as you lay back down, panting. You turn away and put your face in your hands. You think I don’t know you’re crying. Why are you so afraid? Why, of all people, is my best friend, James, afraid of me? Why am I afraid? Why am I afraid of us to be together?
I turn to the cat beside me softly snoring, Meowth. My other best friend. I lay back down, clutching the edge of my sleeping bag, and let sleep take me to its dark, mysterious depths, hoping that somehow, someway, you’ll be all better tomorrow and we’ll be the invincible Team Rocket.
The Story
~
“Prepare for trouble!” I jump down from the tree branch I had perched on. I land perfectly, throwing up sand to create our “mysterious aura”.
“And make it double!” you shout, jumping down and landing next to me. You fall on your face, squeaking. My heart says to help you up but I kick your side instead. You groan with tear-filled eyes and stand up gently, brushing yourself off. The twerp rolls his eyes.
“Not this again…” he mutters.
“To protect the world from devastation!”
“To unite a-a-al−“ You break off and start coughing, turning away. You try to take in a breath, but your coughing grows worse, your eyes growing wide and glazing over.
“Meowth! What’s going on? Dat’s not sapposed to happen!” Meowth cries, leaping out of the bushes. I turn on him and scream, “You think I don’t know that?”
I hold on to you, knowing it’s futile to try and stop that horrid coughing spell that’s taken over your body.
Meowth turns and runs to the nearest Pokemon center, in hopes that he can get there before you... - I don't want to think about it... the twerps all run to crowd around us but I close my eyes and hope I can shut them out. All that meets my sight is darkness, and sirens send swirling waves of red through my mind.
I open my eyes but everything is swirling, I can hardly tell what's going on. My eyes fill with tears, and some fall on your face, you're crying too.
A single wilted rose petal drifts out of your jacket and floats to the ground, and I close my eyes again. Sirens wail in the distance...
~
You're laying in a hospital bed, coated in blankets, now making it obvious that you haven't had enough to eat for a while. Your chest heaves up and down, as you pant from the exertion of coughing. An IV slowly drips into your bloodflow, its simplistic minerals attempting to replace the rice balls you stashed back in our storage, the ramen you gave to Meowth, and the donuts you refused.
I gaze at you until your eyes blink open, even though your eyes are your most wonderful feature. They turn to me, and I shiver, aware of their warm depths taking me in like a sea of leaves. Your hand loosely flops out of the blanket, trembling with sickness. I take it, and you turn to me, your eyes brimming with shining tears.
"Jess", you say. "I failed again. I'm sorry." Your apology is a whisper because that's all you can manage.
"It's not like that, James," I lean in close to you, and you blush and turn away. I take your face in my hands and turn it to me. "You could be dying. I don't know," I whisper. I grab your hospital gown and sob on your chest. "Oh, James, I don't want you to die!"
You extend a trembling hand to me and smooth my hair. "I'm not gonna die, Jessie." You smile and blush, your eyes half-closed. "I'm not gonna die, because-"
I clear your trademark cowlick from your face and kiss your forehead. "You don't understand, James. I-I," I swallow. "I love you." That statement, as small as it is, is enough to send me into a dream world, flying with the puffy wings of my love for you, now confessed.
A tear slowly glides across your face. I brush it away gently, and kiss you on the cheek.
"I didn't know you felt the same way..." you say in a soft voice, laying your head back and closing your eyes. "Because I love you too."
~
The doctor sums it up in two words, all your misery and pain.
"Lung cancer." I stare at him, open-mouthed. You look on, pretending not to listen to us talking, but the tears falling from your eyes betray your motives.
"How, doctor?" I whisper hoarsely. "There's no way..."
He shows me again, patiently, holding a scan of your lungs, pointing out those unfashionable lumps.
"A cancerous tumor at the base of his trachea," he says. "It's already taken root and spread throughout the rest of his lungs. We'll do the best he can, but.... we're afraid he will-"
"You're lying!" I scream. "James is fine! He can't have cancer. He's young like me. He's... he's... you're lying!" My shrieks echo through his room and the hallway.
"Miss Jessie, please keep it down. There are other patients trying to recuperate." I can't take any more. I burst into tears and run out of the room, leaving Meowth to attempt to comfort you.
~
I come in tomorrow, and you are sitting up in bed. Your face is a little less pale, and you have a sketch pad in your lap. Your eyes shine as I come in, but you can't say anything because you just had an operation to take the lump out. You also have a bowl of ice cream, now a small part in a soupy puddle on the bottom.
I pat your head reassuringly. "At least you're eating," I whisper. You smile a bit sadly.
It's amazing how much one person can communicate without spoken word, even when they were able to speak. I always saw your happiness, anger, sadness, or love in your eyes.
"He's drawin' a pitcher of ya, Jess," Meowth says gently. "He's pretty good too." I lean over your shoulder, and rest my chin on your head. You blush and reach up to pet my hair again.
"James is strong enough to go outside," says the doctor. "But you have to be careful with him, make sure he doesn't break anything because he's still very weak."
"Yeah, Jess. Dat means you can't beat him over da head wit a fryin' pan." Meowth raises an eyebrow.
"Why you little - " A lovely sound interrupts our fight, and I look at you. You're laughing, and it sounds like bells chiming. "Are you laughing at me?" You shake your head apologetically and grin. Your eyes are shining, you clamber out of the bed but almost fall. You land im my arms, and I hold you close to me.
"Be careful, Jess," you tease in a hoarse whisper. "Doctor's orders." I turn my back while you dress, but you are finished quickly and we turn to walk out.
Your uniform hangs shapelessly off your gaunt figure, but you're standing straight and proud, your arm around my shoulders. Mime Jr. is walking beside us, laughing happily. I smile and grab your hand while putting my arm around your waist. You blush as you're pulled closer to me, and when you think no one's looking, lean down and kiss me.
Your eyes are like a melted emerald, your hair so soft and smooth and lavendar like clouds. "I love you, Jess," you say, your face so close to mine. Your voice is growing stronger. We turn around to see Meowth lagging way behind.
"You coming, Meowth?" I call. He perks and runs up, ready to jump on your head, but I shake my head. "Sit on my head, I don't think... he's strong enough." He gives me a worried look, then clambers on top of my head. Soft, gentle fingers brush through my hair and suddenly I don't have a Meowth on my head anymore.
"You're gonna ruin your hair, Jess," you say, grinning. You put Meowth on your shoulder, and we stroll until we find a small creek.
"Now, you know, James, it was my idea to come here," I tease. You smile again.
"Of course, Jess." You squeeze my hand gently. "It was a great idea." You take out the rose from your jacket, sniff it, and try to offer it to me, but your hands are trembling, and you drop it into the water. I pick it up and give it back to you.
A single petal falls to the water, sending beautiful little ripples fluttering across the water. I dip my finger in them, fascinated, until shining dewdrops fall into the water. I look up, startled to see you trembling, as you lean over the water, your hair covering your face.
"C-clumsy me," you whisper. Slipping off my boots I wade into the water, facing you. I take your chin and lift it till you face me. I dry your tears with my fingers and suddenly I realize I'm crying too.
You run a finger along the edge of my face, your eyes searching mine. You smile half-heartedly whispering,"Cheer up, Jess. I told you, I'm not gonna die." Despite what you say, tears cascade down your face anyway. I grab your shirt and pull you closer to me. You respond by wrapping your thin arms around me. You used to be so strong.
We hug each other, our foreheads touching, as tears silently creep down our faces. Someone tugs at my shirt and I look down to see it's Meowth.
"I tink it's time ta go now, Jess."
My pleading expression tells him that I don't want to go back, not yet. He sighs with an ,"O.K." You break away from our embrace, and I start to cry again.
You do, too. We're both staring at our reflections, yours so charming even in emaciation, mine so lovely even in depression. Another tear falls from your eyes, and you pick out the petal that had stayed near us, and gaze at me, then your rose.
"I'm such a sentimental idiot," you whisper. "Nanny and Pop-pop's Roselia gave me these roses, and I still have them even though they're gray and wilting."
"If that's the case then I'm a sentimental idiot too," I pout. I lean into your face, and you into mine. We're so close that our breath mixes, and your cowlick tickles my face. I brush it aside, and lean in further. You throw one of your arms around me, and the other behind my head, and then our lips meet, and we're in heaven - at least for a few moments.
When we break away, you smooth my hair back. "You're so beautiful," you tell me. I throw my arms around your neck, and lean my head on your chest.
"I don't want you to die," I cry, sobbing uncontrollably. You touch my face again. Your eyes make me melt inside, into your arms, so warm, so obvious whatever it is you're feeling.
"Look at it this way," you tell me as seriously as you can with just a whisper. "If I do die, I will try my hardest to come back. And if I can't, then you'll be there to meet me because you're as beautiful as any angel." I laugh through my tears, and gently slip off your boots, pulling you into the water. I splash you, sending gorgeous light prisms through the air. Your laughing perfectly accents them.
The doctor's warning is soon forgotten as we playfully splash each other.
"Bet you can't catch me!" you chortle, falling forward as you run and making a huge splash.
"Bet you I can!" I say as I pull you up, grab you and begin to tickle you. Your giggles echo all across the water. But unfortunately, our fun could not last for long. Your laughs soon turn into breathy gasps, and then into coughing as you clutch your chest, trying to breathe. I can do nothing but stand there and watch, horrified, as you wither away. But just before you're about to suffocate, you faint. I rush forward and catch you before your face touches the water. I wade slowly to the bank, where I lay you down by the patches of grass along the creek. Your rising and falling chest shows me you're still breathing. I lean down and kiss you again.
"Oh, James," I whisper, sighing.
~
I come in tomorrow, and a cluster of people are gathered around you, including the twerps. A spark of anger twitches in my chest. What are they doing here? Your parents and Jessebelle are there too. I guess I can't blame them for being there, you are related to them. Inwardly I sigh, knowing that you don't really want them here. Except for your Growlithe. Your family glares at Meowth and I as we approach. I glare back and stand up straighter.
"What's she doing here?" your father sneers. You look up at me and smile in your sweet and gentle way, then turn to your family.
"She has just as much of a right to be here, father. Probably more," you whisper.
"You're not treatin' ya fam'ly properly," says Jessebelle with an evil look.
"Ya selfish, ungrateful little - " starts your mother.
"You impudent boy!" your father shouts, rising to his feet. He slaps you, hard on the cheek, and you turn away coughing weakly.
"Whoa," breathes Max. "Is he gonna be okay?"
May interjects with an angry tone. "That wasn't right!" Brock nods knowingly.
A nurse rushes in, attracted by the resounding echo of the smack, and your coughing. She prods your father with her clipboard.
"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. If you cannot behave yourself around a dying patient, then you may not remain." He draws himself up higher, and strides haughtily to the door, waiting for your mother and Jessebelle to go through. Growlie he leaves, for a reason not known to me. Once everyone is out, he slams the door loudly.
You reach out your arms apologetically, and I give you a hug, stroking your shoulder-length hair. For a moment, all is silent. Growlie jumps onto your bed and licks your neck reassuringly. The twerpette, May, pokes me, and I break away, tears in my eyes.
"You really love him, don't you?" she asks. I nod silently and she pats my back. "I'm sorry," she whispers. The leader of the twerps, Ash, faces you with a grim expression as you lay asleep.
"Pika pi, pi pika chu, chu pi pi," informs the lightning mouse on his shoulder. He looks down, using his cap to hide his face.
"Yeah, I know. Me too, Pikachu." That reply was what broke me. Pokemon can tell when people are sick or dying, and it was pretty obvious what it just said. I'm gonna miss James. Even though he attempted to take me from you so many times, life just wouldn't be the same without him. No matter what you said, I knew we couldn't live forever.
No more hanging onto each other for dear life when we were scared. No more excited squeals when I gave you a doughnut. No more reciting the motto together, as one invincible Team Rocket. No more gazing into your eyes like deep pools of jade while you gazed into my ice blue ones. No more... no more... no more... my heart seemed to echo like a flooding cavern filled with the swirling, shining crystal spheres of my memories.
I slump down against the wall and start to cry, supporting my face in my hands. Meowth rushes up to reassure me but this only makes me cry harder.
The door opens and quiet footsteps can be heard. I glance through my tears and see your Nanny and Pop-pop. With them is your Chimecho. It floats over to you and wraps its tail around your face, singing sweet little melodies.
"Not around the eyes, Chime," you whisper gently. It lays on your chest, nuzzling your cheek.
"Good morning, Little James," says your grandmother, patting your head.
"How are you feeling?" asks your grandfather.
"I hurt, but I'm surrounded by people I love," you reply, catching my gaze. You wink, and I blush.
"I knew it!" cried your Nanny. "Too shy to say, Little James?" She ruffles your hair, and I can see your face redden. I stand up, wiping my tears away and smiling. A joyful time is not one to be crying in.
"She'll make a good wife," your Pop-pop says, nudging your arm.
"Oh, if only..." you sigh, leaning back. Seeing you in pain again sends a wound to my heart, but it also gives me an idea. I turn to Chimecho.
"Chimecho..." I start. Your Nanny puts a gentle hand on my shoulder.
"It's already far too late, child. I'm sorry." The smile fades from my face, and the entire room is enveloped in a pocket of silence once again, as I tremble, letting more tears fall.
I watch you fall asleep again. and finally I am lured to that same world by fatigue and exhaustion.
~
It's been three months since you were first taken withe your first fit of that horrible coughing, that terrifying experience. I had never faced anything like that before, and I hope to never see again. I come in today, and all your hair is gone, except for that little lock of hair that always hangs in your face. You grin sheepishly.
"Chemo," you apologize. "Can I have a hat?" I giggle and turn to your bedside, at first it consisted of your rose in a little vase, now it was covered in pictures of our childhood together, cards from Meowth, your grandparents and I, a hat and several bandannas, and pictures from the twerps. Now that I think about it, they really were nice kids. I pick up the hat, turn and place it on your head. You smile gratefully and turn on your side, reaching out a hand to take mine.
I sit in the chair beside you, and grab your hand, holding it to my heart. I let go and lean over, resting my head on the pillow next to your head. I nuzzle your cheek and you trace my face with your finger. In these moments with you, it doesn't matter anymore that you have no hair, that you're pitifully scrawny because to me you'll always be handsome. And you are.
Suddenly your hand freezes in midair, and I look at you. Your face is frozen in place, and there's a film over your eyes.
Seeing you, I realize you have a lot of pain that you hide from me. I realize we can't be the invincible Team Rocket. I take your hand, and hold it to my heart again.
"James, I love you. But sometimes..." I kissed your forehead, and whispered,"It's okay to let go." With a start, you're back to normal.
"Jessica..." you breathe. "Why are you crying?" I love my name said in your voice, the way you say it. But you only use my full name when one or both of us is dying or about to die, and that thought makes me cry harder.
"If you cry now, you won't have any tears left for when I die," you tease gently. Anger replaces my sadness, and I raise my hand, ready to hit you.
Fear shows itself in your eyes, reflecting my violent expression. I freeze, and lower my hand slowly. I catch a glance at the rose at your bedside, and it wilts so much it is close to death. Slowly fading away, just like my cancer-ridden angel.
I walk out of the room.
That night, instead of camping out near the hospital and staring at the stars reflecting the tears on my face as I cry myself to sleep, I go to our abandoned cabin. The only other soul there is Meowth. He's been eating a lot more than usual then sleeping for hours on end. That's how I can tell he's depressed. I walk by quietly, careful not to disturb him, and call out Seviper, Dustox, and Wobbuffet. It's been long enough, it's time to tell them of the tragedy. They look around in bewilderment, expecting you to be there. Tearfully I tell them the news.
"James is going to... to... he's not going to be here anymore..."
"
"How long have you known that?" I ask.
"
"
"You can't," I snap. "He's in the hospital."
"
"
"What's all dat noise?" Ah, an almost-human voice! It's Meowth though, and he doesn't sound very happy...
A knock on the door interrupts his complaining. I rush over.
"James!" I cry, leaping out the door. You're okay! Thank goodness! I stop. "You're not James." It's the twerps. Ash comes forward to the doorstop.
"Um," he mumbles, twiddling his thumbs. May shoves him aside.
"Let me do it," she sighs, turning to me. "James is asking to see you. He's very weak, and he says he's only holding on to see you." I smile halfheartedly.
"That's so like him," I say, tears in my eyes. "A romantic till the end." May's only answer is a nod and sympathy tears. It's all the answer she needs to give.
I come in, and you are gasping and panting, unsuccessfully trying to catch a breath, your brow slick with sweat. I wipe it away with my hand, and you open your eyes.
"I love you, James."
"And *KOFF* I you, *HEEZ* Jessica." Your eyes shimmer with tears, and love. I grab your hand.
"It's okay to let go, James." I kiss your cheek. "I love you my sweet angel. And nothing you do or say can change that." You kiss me back, and your gasps grow more and more desperate. Your hand becomes limp, and I kiss your still lips, never to move again. I look up, and your eyes are peacefully closed.
I turn to the rose on your bedside table, blackened by death. I take it, and stroking its petals, tears come to my eyes, silently running down my face.
"Promise at least to visit me," I finally whisper.
Meowth looks at me, his eyes solemn. An unspoken meaning passes between us, and we turn away, facing the cold wall. You have passed on.
"We betta call da Boss," he says after a moment, his eyes fixed on the "Learn to Recognize the Signs of Stroke" poster.
I nod mechanically, and we morosely make our way to a PC in the waiting room.
The screen flickers to life after Meowth dials in the phone number. I remember that one time when we were fighting over who would call the Boss, and you had snuck in the phone booth, only to remember that you didn't know the Boss's area code. Thinking of you, I fight back hot, fresh tears.
"James is gone. Like dead gone," says Meowth unemotionally.
The Boss does not seem to be very surprised. I guess a lot of Rocket members die young.
"I see," says Giovanni coldly. "We must find a new partner for you and Jessica as soon as -"
"Please don't bother. I'd rather work alone."
He nods grimly. There's a hint of compassion in his eyes, but you'd have to really look to see it. "I understand."
The screen flickers again and turns black.
~
I couldn't stand to see your body lowered into the ground, because I would start crying uncontrollably and not be able to stop. There's another option, they tell me.
Cremation. I could spread your ashes over the place we would remember always, and have a monument built there. The problem is, where would it be?
I finally decide on the lake under the Sunny Town bridge, where you and Meowth and I were in the Bridge Bike Gang.
As I spread your ashes over the water, I remember all the time we spent together.
Remember that time we first met? You were shivering in the street, and I shared my hot bread with you and brought you home. I'll never forget that first spark of joy I saw in your eyes. Remember when we went to Pokemon Tech together? I always defended you from all those bullies. Remember the gang? We had a lot of fun back then. Remember when we were almost separated because of that horrible Jessebelle? But in the end, you came back and now I know why - because you loved me. There's a lot of memories I will keep close to my heart forever. Just looking at Meowth I can tell he feels the same way.
~
That night I have a dream. A dream of you. I am standing in the place where you were last outside - in the creek. I hear splashing, and I turn around.
The angel is beautiful, but I can still recognize you when I see you.
"Oh, James," I breathe.
"Jessica," you smile, your eyes shining. You hold out your arms as I run to you, my one, my only love, and we embrace. I stroke your shining lavendar hair and gaze into your melted emerald eyes once more.
As the dream fades away I lay asleep smiling. And in the morning when I climb out of the top bunk, I spot a rose and a note on your bedside table.
Dear Jess,
Even tho I am gone, I wil always luv you. And I wil be bak sumday.
Luv,
Jamz
I smile as I notice you have used our old typewriter, and even signed your name. Even with all of its spelling mistakes and smudged typing, I can tell your words are as heartfelt as a love poem written in a beautiful script. And though you can't give voice to your poetic mind, I hear it all the same.
A small tear falls on the letter, and I cry my heart out. Because even though I know you love me from wherever you are, I will always miss you.
*****
(re-copied from James' letter)
A snapshot of us falls to the floor of our old apartment. We are around twelve, and it is not a picture I have ever seen before, but I remember it well. We were sitting under a cherry tree in full bloom, holding hands on a park bench -
- and I was leaning in, so close to you, kissing you.
Suddenly a barrage of memories of that day surrounds me, and I am lost in the rememberance...
~
We were strolling in the park one spring day and admiring all the flowers, how the daisies attracted so many Combees, how the roses climbed the filigree-patterned trellises. You especially liked the roses, so I pluck one from nearby and twiddle with it for a minute, blushing, then offer it to you. You take it, smiling, and grab my hand to run to the nearest bench.
"Jessie," I exclaim. I can feel my face heat up. "I -"
You grin and hug me. "Don't say anything, James. Just kiss me." My face heats up even more, if possible, and you smile. "It's okay."
A petal falls from the tree and lands on my nose. "Gtishu!" I sneeze. We both look up at the blossoms as the sun is setting, and you lean your head on my shoulder, sighing. I smile and take your hand. "James, I wish this could last for ever."
"Oh, Jess," I sigh, smoothing your hair. "You don't know how much my heart cries the same wish." Stealing a quick look around to make sure no one's watching, I inch closer... and closer... and my heart beats quicker... and I brush your cheek with my lips.
"Ah ha ha ha haa!" cries Meowth, jumping out of the bushes with a camera.
*****
I am pulled out of the dream abruptly when the blade opens my skin. Warm droplets of blood hit the floor and I curse silently. When you were still here, I would make you clean up the mess because I didn't know how.
Absentmindedly, I mop up the mess with a soggy paper towel, musing over the recent letter you had sent me. I retyped it so I'd be able to understand it later, and stored the sketch you gave me in a special place. I hadn't known you were so good at drawing. Meowth is running into the kitchen and he slips on the puddle on the floor, sliding across into the refridgerator. He is seething.
"Whaddaya doin' on da floor? Rocket membas, even former ones, do not sit on da floor!" he screams.
"I CAN SIT ON THE DAMN FLOOR IF I WANT TO!" I shriek back, beside myself with rage. Your Cacnea and Mime Jr. are in the other room, cowering. I get up, padding to the living room/bedroom of our run-down apartment. It's only a bedroom in the sense that our bunk bed resides there.
"Hey, shhh, it's okay," I tell them, even though it's not. I gather them into my arms and start to cry, partly from the pain of Cacnea's spikes, and partly because I am remembering who used to own them...
I blink my eyes open and stand abruptly as the doorbell rings. If I had to guess it was Ash and his friends.
"Yes?" I ask cautiously, peeking out, only just remembering that I probably just smeared my makeup.
"Um," starts Ash. "You're probably busy right now..." I sigh and open the door wider.
"What is it?" I say, taking a deep breath.
"I was wondering if you wanted to come with us," he says it all in one breath. I wait for the shock to hit me as he moves on. "After all, you're not part of Team Rocket anymore." It was true. I quit about a week after you moved on, unable to do anything without you there. The burden of the pain was too great on my heart.
"When we come to your apartment, it's always kinda - it's not a healthy habitat for people and Pokemon," explains May.
"You hardly have any food and you're slowly withering away - just like James," said Brock. "Do you really want to die?"
"If it means I get to see James again, then yes," I snap. "Please... just leave me alone." I start to close the door but Pikachu jumps down and gets in the way.
"Pikapi pi pikachu chu chuu," it argues. "Pika pi pi chu pika ka chu!"
"It says it knows you're sad," translated Meowth. "But that's all the more reason to make some new friends."
"Pikachu pi pi," it adds, lowering its head.
"It's what James would have wanted," Meowth says, tears in his eyes. "I think you should go for it, Jess."
I stand there for a few seconds, debating. Suddenly I see you in front of me, faded like an old photo. Your eyes are shining brightly, you nod once and the breeze that ruffles your hair carries the image away.
"I'll do it for James," I whisper. May rushes up to me and gives me a great big bear hug.
"Welcome to the team," she smiles, her eyes full of tears.
"Yay! A new friend," cheers Max. Ash says nothing but stands in front of me, his smile warm. He holds out his hand and I shake it. It's now official, James. I'm with the twerps. I only wish that you were there too.
~
I am laying awake in my sleeping bag, so tired but unable to fall asleep. I try counting Flaafy's.
"One Flaafy, two Flaafy's, three Flaafy's, four..." I groaned. This wasn't working. Then I remembered my mother, and the stories she used to tell me before she went away. Nobody ever told me what happened to her. She's probably dead now.
"Look, my little cupcake," she said to me, pointing to the sky. "Aren't the stars pretty tonight?"
"Mommy, is it true each star has a spirit?" I ask, my curiosity getting to the better of me. She laughs and pulls me into her lap and loving embrace.
"Of course," she says gently. "When someone you love leaves this Earth, they go to a better place. After that, God leaves a star in their place in Heaven to remind us that they still love us and can make sure we are safe."
"I wonder..." I murmur, looking up at the stars. "I wonder which one yours is." I look up at them until I am too drowsy to keep my eyes open.
I could swear that I felt your kiss on my cheek and the last thing I saw before I fell asleep was your sweet, gentle smiling face.
~
A week after I joined the kids, moved out of our old apartment, and left you that letter, I'm standing on the top of a brick wall.
The wall took a long time to climb, and there's nothing but solid concrete.
The rain pours down on my, the thunder rumbling in the distance. I've made my decision. I'm going to jump.
I see the apparition of you appear in front of me again. You spread your arms and wings, blocking me from my fate. You shake your head sorrowfully.
"I'm a little but hurt, James," I finally snarl. "Do you not want to see me? Because this is the only way how." I take a step forward, your eyes fill with tears and hurt. But you don't move.
I take another step, this one over the edge. I feel myself falling, and brace myself for the impact.
But it never comes. Instead, I am hurled into the thin but strong arms of - who is that?
His hood covers his entire face. All that I can see is his smile of concern. I'm sorry, James, but it looks like yours.
"That's dangerous," he says. His voice is so gentle and so deep. I had promised myself I would never love another man, but I can't pull myself away from this strange new man. I am in love.
The man lowers me to the ground, then helps me up. He pulls me into a heart-warming embrace, then bounds away into the pouring rain.
"James!" I call. The man does not turn back. I start to run after him but he rounds a corner and I lose him. I sink to the concrete, depressed and defeated.
~
Ash and his friends are very worried about me. They continually ask if I'm okay. Well, to tell the truth, I'm not.
They caught me after I attempted suicide for the second time. They were there to see it, and that mysterious hooded masked man was there to save me again.
I pulled his hood back that time, and I must be crazy, because I could swear his face was exactly like yours. Except that you don't have a mask and pulled-back dark hair. I couldn't see his eyes, but for the state I'm in I'd be willing to bet they were soft melted emerald.
I want to take a walk. Alone. Of course, they put up a fuss about this. I promise them I will not take my life, but they don't trust me. They try to come with me. What can I say?
Why can't they understand? Finally I go and Ash's Pikachu is trailing me. I shrug. It's not worth it; why bother? I can just ditch the stupid thing. It'll find its own way back.
I break into a run and head to a huge oak tree overlooking the river. Hurriedly I climb as far as I can, and turn back to the pathetic little rodent.
"Pika pika pi pi kachu!" it exclaims.
"Go ahead and shock me, you little rat. It won't make a difference how I die," I taunt.
It shakes its head forcefully and looks back, tears in its eyes. "PI PI PIKACHU CHU CHU CHUU!" I step backward and time seems to slow as the limb I'm standing on breaks. I can't help but scream as my body slowly approaches the rushing current. I knew that when I fell I would be crushed by the boulders. I panicked.
I didn't want to die.
I see your apparition again and it fades as I fall. Or maybe it's just my vision...
*****
I look at the figure in the bed, sleeping peacefully. Maybe when you realize who I am, you won't do this anymore. I lean down and kiss you on the cheek, then I go into the bathroom and wash out the brownish, blackish dye in my hair. It splashes murky water on my bare chest and I cringe. Maybe I shouldn't use cold water. I turn off the tap and turn around, looking at my back.
The wings are gone. Of course, I knew that would happen, angels who come to Earth don't get to keep their wings. At least, that's what I'm assuming. See, I'm the first spirit who's ever been able to do this. I still can't believe it.
I walk out and spin the cloak around my torso again. I love the way just seeing you makes me go limp. It's like we switched places, you're the angel and I'm the human who is haplessly in love with you.
You groan and roll over, and your eyes blink open.
"Jess," I whisper, lost for words. I meant to say something clever or romantic, but my mind comes up a blank.
"I had a dream," you whisper. "I fell off a tree and James saved me." I approach you slowly, pull your arms up, and take your hands.
"How do you know it wasn't real?" I ask gently. "What if I - I mean, he did? Your greatest dreams can often become reality." If you noticed my stutter and slip-up, you didn't show it.
"He's dead, though. My handsome angel, my creampuff, my cupcake, he died a while ago. He's not on this Earth," you begin to sob and I pull you into me as you whisper gone gone gone over and over, shaking.
*****
Who is this mysterious man? If I am in danger he saves me. If I call a name he runs away. If I love him he loves me. He pulls me up to his broad chest and I simply melt. He is so like you, but he can't be you, and he can never replace you, James.
"Who are you?" I whisper, his face approaching mine.
"I am love, death, and evil rolled into one," he says. "Now prepare for trouble," he teases. It can't be. I wish it was but -
He pulls back his hood, tossing back shoulder-length lavendar hair. He tosses aside his mask, releasing his eyes, those familiar warm mystic emerald depths. "Jessica," you whisper.
"James," I breathe, my heart thumping. I throw my arms around you. "I am so glad I didn't end my life!" You smile as a tear cascades down your cheek.
"You can't even imagine how glad I am that you didn't," you whisper. As we embrace, becoming close once more, a thousand feelings drift through me at once. Love. A grief now lost. Joy. Love. I can see your eyes reflect these as well, and I know that we should be together for eternity...
Epilogue
~
One night we're gazing at the full moon, tinged a beautiful blue. The stars sparkle joyfully, and one flies across the sky.
You sigh contentedly and lay your head in my arms, resting on my lap, your eyes staring into mine.
"I wish we were in Wonderland," I pout, tracing your cowlick.
"Why?"
"Because if we were this could last forever."
"Oh, Jessie," you breathe, pulling me down. I lay my head on your chest, so warm. "If we're good we get to stay like this for Eternity." I giggle and admire my diamond ring. It sparkles prettily in the moonlight. But it's not nearly as handsome as my new husband.
"There's always that," I say. I climb on top of you and pin you down by your shoulders, admiring the way your skin reflects the starlight. "Or we could be naughty like we always have been. It doesn't take much to get into Heaven if you got in," I laugh evilly and wrap you into my arms.
"I love you, Jessie," you sing.
"I love you too, James," I reply melodically. You laugh and kiss my cheek, and stand, pulling me up with you. You grunt as you lift me into your arms and begin to spin around.
"Wheeeee!" I cry, clasping my arms around your neck. You lose your balance and fall. We're rolling toward the meadow at the bottom of the hill. We're laughing so hard I can hardly breathe. Or maybe that's just you holding onto me like there's no tomorrow.
We land at the bottom, sending up a wave of gorgeous silver-winged Butterfree's fluttering through, spreading metallic dust everywhere like a dream.
"Whoa," you breathe. I kiss your collarbone and wrap my arms around your waist, watching the passing kaleidoscope of beautiful insect Pokemon.
I know that we're not gonna live forever but this time I don't care. We promised we would always meet in Heaven and that's the best place to be, no matter what.
"A marriage made on Earth is a marriage kept in Heaven."
~The End
