18+ NSFW etc etc. Contains swearing because, well, that's the point of the piece. Spoiler tagged for the younger and the pure of heart.

My name is Alexa and I’m proficient in three languages: English, Music, and Swearing.

Profanity: She’s a hard mistress to tame as many brave writers have discovered over the course of their careers. How do you use it? Should you use it? What it all comes down to is the tastefulness of your choice of words. Swearing can be fun. It’s attention grabbing and can actually allow for a lot of creativity. Never completely discount it from your writing, but use discretion. Here are some things you should try and remember when using any expletives in your work.

- Excessive profanity is a turn off. Your mother probably told you chicks don’t dig it. It’s true, they don’t. And neither do your readers. Don’t make me wash out your mouth with soap.

- Badly placed profanity is also a no-no. If it doesn’t fit the situation and you just have an urge to stick a bad word in there, I have an even better idea for you – don’t. It seems awkward. You notice and we notice it as well. Open your window; stick your head out and just give’er. But keep that shit to yourself if it’s unnecessary. (Do you see what I just did there? ;D)

- So then you might ask ‘Well, Almighty Alexa, where do I put it?’ There are tons of options. You can absolutely open a piece with a profane word. (Ex: “Fuck.” Thought [insert generic character name here] as he [insert something generic here]) Why not? I’d keep reading. I would want to know what [insert generic character name here] was bitching about. There can be a thousand reasons that make that word just fit as the opener. Or you could build and build up to it. Sometimes even the best of characters snap and need to ream someone out and ream them out good. Sometimes it really just is unavoidable. They say the first step to recovery is good ole’ fashioned profanity to get it out of your system. Seriously. People say that. I know I do.

- If you have a character that just seems to have a personality that sometimes requires a bit of bad language (Ex: Ichigo from Bleach), just go with it. Censoring yourself through censoring them also seems a bit stilted and awkward.

- If you don’t like swearing, avoid creating characters and situations where it would be appropriate. Setting the audience up for some big talking and then letting them down with cop outs like “Dang you” and “Shoot” is just mean. Contrary to popular belief, though they are replacements they are not synonymous because the same mood is not conveyed. The audience does not get the same picture in their head as they otherwise would’ve.

- If used right, swearing can be very creative for a couple of reasons. Creating a special new swear for your character might make you more comfortable if you personally aren’t into bad words and can ultimately be more impacting in the long run. Nit Tibbles. That sounds dirty, doesn’t it? And I just came up with it in my head this very second. You could use that instead of “Damnit,” I bet. Replacements can also work, within full context though. No dangits, no shoots, no fudge. James has been known to use “What the suck?” on occasion, which is a perfect replacement. I may accept “What the fridge?” as that is both amusing and memorable.

- Furthermore, if you’re not into creating a new swear or replacements and you’re a-okay with a little something over G rated language, phrasing can play a huge part in making expletives more interesting and acceptable. “Eat a bowl of dicks” is way more fun than “You’re a dick” and there will be no arguments about that. I know it’s more interesting. I’m a professional. “Fuck you in the trachea with a rusty blade” is also an acceptable choice.

Swearing is really for two things: expression and impact. It can be done in a humorous way, but the fact is, is that it brings a little bit of shock value to your piece, in a way. You want people to take notice and you want it to stay in the reader’s mind long after they’ve closed the web browser. Don’t overuse, don’t underuse, don’t forget that it’s okay to use. Just keep it interesting, ladies and gents. Or I’ll fucking kill you.