I don't know if anybody misses me yet. They might not. Mom won't be home for a while so she's still consumed by ignorant bliss. I never meant to kill myself. The gun went off by accident and..... I'm jumping ahead of myself here. Let me start over. I came home this morning very depressed. The entire school had decided to make a field day out of torturing me and coming home to an empty house only made me feel worse. The light on the answering machine flickered and I pushed the playback button.
"Hi Sweetie I'm going to be a little late tonight. I'm afraid that means we're going to have to cancel our trip to the mall tonight. I love you and I should be home by 8:00 okay? Bye."
I glared at the machine. My own mother couldn't even be there for me. I listened to the rest of the messages. One good thing, my brother Tim wouldn't be home until Mom was. Silently I crept up to my room and threw myself across the bed. My cat Avila jumped onto my bed and curled up next to me. I told her all about my day and she purred reassuringly. As I lay there I began to think about death for some strange reason. I suddenly began to understand how people who commit suicide think. I stood up, walked to my brother's room and stole one of his pistols. I sat there in my room and turned the gun over and over in my hands. Suddenly I picked up Avila and closed her out of my room. I picked up the gun and placed the barrel against my head. I wasn't worried about dying because I knew that Tim kept his guns unloaded at all times. "Just in case,"he always said,"I don't want to give anyone a way to kill my family." I sat there thinking and wondered how hard it would be to pull the trigger. I reached up and did just that.
An explosion knocked me to the ground. I quickly stood up and stopped in horror. I lay there dead in a growing puddle of crimson. Tim forgot to unload one of his guns,I thought, and now I'm dead. I tried to cry but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything except think. I turned to my clock. 7:50 P.M. Mom would be home soon and so would Tim. I floated to the window and looked out into the fleeting twilight. Strange, horrifying creature were coming slowly towards me. Many I had seen in my worst nightmares but others were far worse. I could hear Avila meowing loudly and frantically as she clawed my door. I turned around then stopped to look in my mirror. I was beautiful but I was part of the shadows as well. I heard my mom's car pull into the driveway. The doors slammed and I heard a key turn in a lock.
"Valerie we're home,"I heard my brother call. I heard my mom come in a moment later,"Come on down Valerie we're going out to eat tonight. You get to choose since I ruined our plans." Avila ran downstairs and continued to meow frantically. "What's the matter Avila? Is something wrong?," I heard Tim ask. "We'd better go see where this crazy cat wants us to go,"my mom commented. I heard them come trudging up the stairs and approach my room. My mom knocked softly and opened the door,"Valerie?" She stopped and screamed. My brother gazed at me in horror.
"It's all my fault,"Tim choked out when he saw his gun in my hand," It's all my fault. If I hadn't insisted on you staying to watch my practice, she would still be alive." He sank back against the wall and began to sob. My mom was screaming hysterically. "Stop that,"she screamed at Tim,"Nothing you could've done would have prevented this." He threw his arms around her and hugged her.
A steely look of anger came into Tim's eyes. He walked to his room and grabbed all his guns. I watched as he tossed them into the dumpster with angry yells. My mother just sat there and stared blankly.
That was a week ago. My funeral is over with and I've been buried. Yet I still sit in my room. I do a lot of thinking now. I think of what I did and wish I could undo it all. Mostly though, I think of the tear I can't shed. When I'm not thinking I'm just waiting. I'm just sitting alone waiting for someone, anyone, to come and take me away. So please. If you ever feel like killing yourself, don't. It's not worth the heartache.
