3) Follow The DM

The DM is the most important player; without him, there would be no game, no map, no fun. However, the DM is also a player, and is there to have fun just as much as any of the others. His job is to make the map fun and keep it flowing, and there is a lot of behind-the-scenes tweaking done by him if he feels his construction is too easy, too hard, or too lopsided. But complain too much, and he’s the one who might get most aggravated.

• The map was not made to kill you.

  Unless you have all done something to royally tick off the DM, he designed the map to be conquered. The game is fun when it’s hard, yes, but it’s not as fun if everyone dies constantly. DMing is a balancing act between difficult and impossible, and being told we’re being too hard or too easy is extremely frustrating. If the chest you opened had two gold coins in it, odds are good that the DM had planned that to be a bum chest from the start, and the contents had nothing to do with your opening it. If you don’t like that our Lightning does two damage to anyone in a straight line when cast, then deal with it. DMs roll for stuff just like players, and it just so happened that you’ve been hit with Incinerate five times this map. Be glad it wasn’t a Fireball.

• Roll with the dice.

  Tie-in to previous point. The most important thing you can do if events aren’t going your way is to deal with it. I guarantee you that the boss of uber-rape who just appeared around the corner and who can cast magic and attack for seven if he chooses can be defeated somehow. Party playing will help you with this. Telling the DM that he’s gay will not.

  And don’t get me wrong; I threaten the DM all the time when I play. I did protest when I was targeted by Incinerate for the fourth time in one map. (For the record, the DM agreed that the die hadn’t actually rolled, and on the re-roll I ended up dying. But that was fine, because I knew he was being fair.) I just make sure he knows I’m not serious, and then I start figuring out how to thwart the newest obstacle. Your time is much better spent being clever than railing against a guy who’s trying to make things fun.

• Do not argue with the DM.

  This does not mean do not question the DM. We’re all human and make mistakes. Like before, when I protested the fourth Incinerate it was only because the die literally landed on four and did not move. I lost more important items on the previous three strikes, but I dealt with it because they were fair.

  What I mean is that you should never tell the DM he is wrong. If you start mouthing off about him being an ass, he is likely to go ahead and show you just how much of an ass he can be. I know a guy who resolves such disputes with 12d6 lightning, blind-rolled, on the offending player—which basically means you’re screwed. When I DM, I reserve the right to banish any player to an alternate dimension and dismiss them from the room. It’s not something we enjoy; but the bottom line is that our word is law, and if you don’t like it you can burn in hell. We made the map for you, the players. We spent the hours laying out the floor plan; deciding which enemies would go where, how they would act, and what they would drop; placing convenient items where you would be sure to pick them up; familiarising ourselves with the mechanics of the game, so if an issue comes up we can quickly resolve it; and balancing everything so that the purpose of the map is achieved while still being fun. If you want to tell us how to run our own map, make your own map. We did all this for you. Don’t presume to tell us otherwise.

• The other players pay attention.

  As a player who has been on a team with one of the aforementioned complainers, let me say that the desire to keep going is severely killed. We want to keep the map going, find the next room, kill that Brute, get the treasure, and find the boss. We don’t want to spend fifteen minutes arguing about one map giving too much or another map too little. We don’t really mind when this chest had two hundred and fifty gold and that armoire had two potions and a spell-book, but the room you just searched had a goblin hiding in the rubble. We came to play the game. We’d prefer to play with someone who also came to play the game.

  If you frequently argue with the DM about his methods, other players will start going on without you while you do so and just not care if you happen to get yourself into trouble. You might see a gargoyle in a room with five bandits, and trusting your party to be behind you, you jump into its face—only to find that your party has thrown you to the wolves and is safe in their formation back in the other room, waiting for you to die so they can get on with the game. (Hint: they probably aren’t going to revive you, either. And that nice bow you looted a while back? Forget about it.)

Again, the key is respect. The DM took the time to make you this map. Don’t be a jerk about it. No one enjoys playing with a self-centered twit, no matter how good he might be, and if you start sapping the fun out of the sessions you might not be informed about the time or location of the next meeting.

It’s a game, guys. Play it for fun.