I'm sorry, guys.
I'm a very passionate person. I know it doesn't often seem like it, but I feel things a lot more strongly than most people. I'm never happy but I'm elated. I'm never sad but I'm weeping. I'm never angry but I'm furious. I remember going to someone's birthday party back in sixth grade, hearing another kid tell me about his home troubles and his parents, and then going off by myself for twenty minutes until I could control my tears. My empathy is strong.
I was raised in an environment where I was solely responsible for my actions. Anything I did came back on me. So I learned very quickly to take command of my reactions to pretty much any situation. I rule my emotions, not the other way around.
This means I control getting outwardly angry.
People often mistake this for "bottling emotions", which is a different situation entirely. Bottled emotions are held on to, remembered, never released. If I get hurt by someone, I naturally feel hurt, but just because I choose not to show it doesn't mean I'm not dealing with it elsewhere. I wait until I am alone to let these out, and then I do so slowly, on my own terms. Almost always this process involves music, followed by sleep. I rarely hit things. Doesn't do anything, I've noticed, except make me want to keep hitting things.
However, there's still a downside. When I get angry, I'm still completely in control. I have chosen to override the failsafe, I have shut down the empathy, I no longer care about you. I was told once that my eyes go dead.
You guys . . . you shouldn't have had to see that. I'm sorry. I crossed a line, I allowed my emotions free reign, I thought only of what would satisfy me.
I don't like getting angry. Partially it's because I don't think it's ever really warranted, but also because once I become angry, I don't want to stop. When I get like that, it's my nature to return an injury a hundredfold and still not be satisfied. And that scares me.
Sure I'm human. But it was still my choice not to let this go. And it was my choice to post about it, knowing full well who all would be reading it.
I'm sorry. I'm going to try not to let it happen again.
