this is gonna sound emo...
sometimes i wonder if i ever got to be a child. there isn't much time i was ever really happy, and i don't remember a time where i liked my parents. one of my earliest memories is me trying to write a letter to god to fix my parents and how i hated my life. this was before i could write, though, so it was all scribly lines. I hung it on my nightstand with tape, and didn't take it down until we sold it and re-did my room.
not even my friends feel close. I used to try and be like other girls, and i tried to crush on one guy every year. but i've never been in love. it was always one sided. I don't even really want a boyfriend. I might just have one to entertain me, but otherwise, i've never really felt for anyone, besides my littler brother. I love him more than I love anyone. sure, we fight, and we hate eachother sometimes, but he's one of the only people i'd die for. sometimes i wonder if i commited suicide that it might open my parents eyes, and treat him like a normal kid so he could have the resturant of his dreams.
my friends... i've only had one best friend, unless you count my cats. maybe it's because i'm a social reject and don't like wearing makeup. the only person that i would even consider my best friends is my childhood friend who lives down my street. in a way, she's really the only person who's been my real friend.
my parrents can't even comprehend my way of thinking. even if i say it again, and again, and again. i could yell till my voice hurts and crying so hard i'm puking, and it wouldn't even leave a scratch on their dense heads.
I hate my mom more than anything. the way she walks, what she wears, the way she speaks, that pathetic fake sympathy, the way she talks about me behind my back, the way she takes my stuff, the way she abandond me in department stores when i told her to wait for me, the way she makes it seem like she's the one who deserves everything, her greed... everything about her sickens me. I don't know how to explain it. just when i see her, it's like my entire being gets a blow to the gut a thousand times over. that's when she's not bitching at me.
I sometimes wish i could make the abercrombies at my school read minds. than maybe they could see what was happening to me. my they would wonder how i even walk around without crying constantly, and wonder how a family couldn't be perfect and happy. if they could see everything they add to the pile just drives the knife deeper.
I sometimes wonder if i'm crazy. i catch myself doing odd things sometimes. like ripping paper into tiny peices, cracking my fingers, staring in a mirror and trying get my pupils to dialate on command, being fasinated by a hole in a wall, or an abnormally long peice of grass. maybe it's just the child i never really was.
I sometimes wonder why i haven't commited suicide yet. I don't think i will. i sometimes wonder why i don't dress in black like all the other depressed kids in my school. I probably like colors to much. I sometimes wonder why i want friends, but want to be alone all in the same moment. probably because they both feel good. I sometimes wonder why i sleep when i want to stay up for hours, thinking about what i'm going to be, what the universe is, if edgar cacye could really predict the futer, if jesus was the son of god or just a super geneous,if the supernatural really exists. sometimes if life is just one big joke, and nothing is really happening. I even figured out what language we speak in. (our own)
but i suppose life goes on... this will all be over someday. I'll have a happy family, live in a big house, sponser and found all kinds of charity funds. and make anime. did i tell you guys about that?
anime saved my life. gave me something to live for.
so, if you just feel horrible, and want this to end, just think about it. someday, it will all be over. you'll live in a big house, with lots of friends, and you'll never have to come back to this hell hole. there is a small light at the end of every tunnel. that's probably how i managed so long. and if the thing you live for dumps you on the curb, keep in mind, just like a manga, until there's a happy ending, there will be a new chapter. that's my way of looking at it. and if you don't live, your manga will never finish. you'll be stuck in the same spot, for ever and ever. nothing will get better. just live and live and live... someday, your happy ending will come. i'm still waiting for mine.
