**Do not read if you don't like reading other people's troubles in life and maybe a little hint of swearing.... Thank you**
Anyways, gosh I've been having such a hard time lately. Just with everything! (I'm sure you understand how I feel too most of you if you read) Because it might just be a maturing phase? I dunno...
My family never seems to be delighted with anything I do, it's frustrating. No matter how many A's I get, they only look at how "You can do better than that". I'm not the smartest person in the world either. I don't have the best memory or anything and I get huge anxiety/stress really easily... So I can study for a Biology test until 4 in the morning and still have one of the lowest grade in my class. I don't understand my parents at all! They tell me to get into the highest courses, so they put me in college level courses, yet they know that I can't pass that so easily. I get C's and D's and sometimes F's on tests, and they get mad at me. They yell at me for A's because it's not a 100!
Then yesterday, they give me a large lecture about how fat I am and I'm going to be obese at this rate within the next year... WTF!? Go look at my picture in the scraps folder of DA! Do I look obese to you!?!? (my DA account name is shanalove by the way) My friends tell me I look skinny but my parents tell me I'm fat. Which one am I supposed to believe? Are my friends giving me sympathy and just pretending that I look skinny or are my parents over reacting/telling me the truth? Everthing's just so confusing right now I have no idea what I can do to ease my stress....
Then, I feel like I'm losing my identity or something... (wow, that's what miss devil-chan said... :x) I hang out with so many people, but I don't feel comfortable around them. They're nice, and I can tell, but it feels more like they're hanging out with me to BE nice. I have one friend who really likes to help people with problems, but she's the most major religious person I have ever met... Our family doesn't have any particular religion, yet she seems to be trying to push her religion on us. She claims she's not, but it really feels like it. It's not that I don't like religious people, because a lot of my friends are, even the ones online, but this one girl really seems like that's all she talks about... Then I basically want to only talk to people whom have the same interests as me, but I can't seem to find those types around... I try to fit in so I won't be the outcast, but it feels like I'm trying so hard to fit in, that I don't even know who I am anymore... When I'm with a group of friends, I would talk to them with a different tone than if I talked to another group of friends. Because of that, it's so tiring hanging out with them... The me I want to be is the type I am when I talk to you guys. In real life, I act crazy when I'm front of my friends, but when I get home into my room, I just feel like staying in there and never coming out. I don't even show how I am to my family members. When I'm in my room, I would sing to ease my stress, but then I would just flick off (middle finger) my parents and yell cuss words in my head and such (of course whilst they have no idea that I'm doing this). I don't know what to do anymore...
I've also felt like running away or commiting suicide a few times, but I don't have the guts to do that... (I'm glad I don't because then I won't be doing that) I don't seriously want to tell any adults or anything, and I really want to get over this, but I think the only way I can get over it is if I actually have people to talk to about whom I trust. (AKA you guys). I have a whole bunch of other things going on which I will not mention. But these are just some of the shallow-bad things going on. A lot of the things are stuff that I don't want to tell anyone about at the moment...
Then, I don't even have high self-esteem for myself, so now I think everything I do is so dumb and retarded. Like I don't even see the point in me drawing when other people are improving like immensely and my art is like crap after 2 years!!! DX It never gets better! I don't find anything about me which I find is good. I feel so jealous of this one girl, she can do almost everthing that I've always wanted to do perfectly! She can draw amazing art, and make the most wonderful cosplays I have ever seen, she's uberly adorable, amazing singer, athletic, gets straight A's in all honors classes, amazing fandubber too, and compared to me... I get like B's, C's, D's, and occasionally A's on my report card, I suck at drawing sometimes (I never improve), I'm not good enough at fandubbing. When I ask people if I sing well, they say I do, but when some other people listen and don't know it's me, they just say "whoever sings that has the most annoying voice I've ever heard." So I guess not. I suck at sewing. Oh yeah, and lots of people can cook. I can probably blow stuff up with my cooking skills... *sigh* I don't even get it. I can't find anything about myself that I like. I can always contradict to it...
I guess the only time I actually feel like myself is when I'm talking to my friends online. When I'm talking to you guys I feel so at ease and that's when I can actually lighten up and smile/laugh. My REAL smile. Not a fake one that I use to make people think I'm not depressed... Many of my friends don't know what I'm going through, so that's why I'm posting it here where not many of my real friends can read it... If they do happen to read this journal, then I guess they'll just know and try to comfort me. Don't worry, I'll just come to school with my smile on again, which most of the time is just a cover-up to make it seem that nothing's going on. When I actually have fun with some of my friends though, I really do feel happy, but a lot of times I don't but I pretend to. (does that make any sense) In other words, I'm saying that sometimes I'm actually happy, while other times I'm not. --don't worry Nya, you're one of the people who I actually enjoy talking to. <3--
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Ok, well then, since I'm done emo ranting, I guess I'll talk about my actually-fun-stuff!! lol. Oh, and sorry for the uber long and annoying rant... Well, next week is spring break for us!!! YAY!!! And now bad news, I'm not going to be online most likely during the time.... But good news (for me) the reason I won't be online is because I'm going to Spain for vacation! lol. I've never been there, but I love travelling a lot so that's going to be fun!! I'm leaving this Wednesday though so for the next week or so after Wed, I'm not going to be on~~. XP haha. Hope I have fun and hope you guys have fun too!!!! X3
P.S. If some of my CLOSE friends want my other e-mail which I use everyday, then I'll gladly give it to you. I say REALLY CLOSE because my e-mail I check everyday is one that I use with my real name on it. So if I don't give it to you then it's not that I don't like you or anything, it's just that I don't want to mass produce my e-mail to people. XD lol. It's only for people whom I've talked to for a while who would either like to just talk to me in general or maybe help me out with these problems. ^^;; Hope you guys understand... *hugs*
