This was written by me to be purely humorous. It is not meant to be for or against evolution. It's just meant to "answer" a stupid question that was most likely asked in the hopes of a stupid answer. It's starting to get boring to me, but since it's my most recent work, and actually complete, I'll post it.
Originally, there were three kinds of animals on Earth. Dinosaurs, sea dinosaurs, and mammals.
Some of the dinosaurs evolved feathers, and some stayed scaly, and some evolved fur. The ones that evolved fur turned into bears, lions, hippos, elephants, etc.. These fat, ungainly animals aren't related to other mammals(all felines fall into this department). They're just deceptively similar. The environment in Europe wasn't really suited to bears(Europe had Cave Bears) so they adapted. Unlike the America-bears, the ones in Europe adapted so that they could use tools and walk on their hind legs. Eventually they became similar enough to humans that they started calling themselves cave men instead of cave bears. "Nyander" or "neander" was this species word for cave and "thal" which is pronounced "tall" was their word for things that walk upright. The cave men weren't much smarter than regular cave bears though, so they all got killed by the cro-magnons eventually.
Meanwhile, the sea dinosaurs where evolving too. Some of them where changing so that they would breath oxygen from the air instead of the water and also give live birth, while others where evolving multiple limbs or the ability to walk on land while still being born in the water. They eventually became cephelopods, fish, amphibians, sea-mammals(also different from standard mammals in ancestry, obviously) and maybe reptiles that live in the water. Evidence in that area is still inconclusive, and things like sea turtles and alligators may have evolved from regular dinosaurs(note the similarities between a raptor and a crocodile). Eventually some of the dolphins that lived in the Mediterranean evolved legs and started walking on land. They also grew more hair and started to look really human. Because dolphins are smarter than bears, these cro-magnons(cro being their word for sea, and magnon meaning magnificent example of humanity) where able to conquer, enslave, and then commit genocide against the cave-bear-men. They did this because of the long standing rivalry of dinosaurs against everything else. The dinosaurs attempted to get revenge when a lone Neanderthal who'd managed to survive until modern times by using the fountain of youth recreated them. These events are recorded in the Jurassic Park documentaries. It’s not known how a stupid Neanderthal managed find the fountain of youth, but he probably stole it from honest, hardworking humans.
Meanwhile, the real mammals where evolving in Africa. Dogs and apes and monkeys and also kangaroos and other marsupials(Australia was part of Africa at the time) where coming into existence from animal resembling modern day rodents. This means we're closely related to squirrels and dogs, but also rats. Of course, as everybody knows, Africa is heavily populated with lions and other dinosaur-mammals and even large birds like ostriches which also evolved from dinosaurs(note the similarities between crocodiles and ostriches). The real mammals grew to hate the dinosaur-mammals. This is why dogs hate cats. Eventually some of the apes evolved to walk upright and use tools to protect themselves from the evil dino-furries(pre-historic writing suggests that this is what they called mammals who evolved from dinosaurs instead of true mammals). While some suggest that they learned to use tools in order to get food, they're completely wrong. If that where the case scythes, hoes, and other farm equipment would have been invented before the spear, which evidence suggests was used to kill mammoths. As everybody knows, mammoths are closely related to elephants and other sauropods. They clearly used the spears as a form of protection because there's no way that the dinosaurs would want us to live. They're all jealous of the fact that we're real mammals and they're just imitation mammals. Anyway, these became modern day humans. When we finished killing off the mammoths, subjugating the elephants, and generally conquering Africa, we moved on to Asia and Europe. When we got there, we mistook the sea-men for humanoid dino-furries or possibly some form of evolved cave bear and killed them all. But not before we took their land and forced them to live in places that where so bad that we didn't want them. Places like Poland.
