Hi, I'm Apanda! This world will have updates about my life and stuffs. So yeah, it'll be pretty boring... Sorry. -_-
My Loveless name is Worthless.
1. lacking in usefulness or value; "a worthless idler" [ant: valuable]
2. morally reprehensible; "would do something as despicable as murder"; "ugly crimes"; "the vile development of slavery appalled them"; "a slimy little liar" [syn: despicable]
My fruit is mango: Though the outer rind is colourful and deeply hued,
Its kevlar-type resistance cannot be consumed. Deep underneath the reddish orange rind though, is so much soul and nutrient compassion.
My new favorit quote's:
1. “Love is something that you’d get hurt about. Getting hurt, feeling pain... if you don’t feel it, then that’s not love.”
2. "You can never have the same love twice. When one love ends... even if you fall in love with someone else...you can never have the same love again. Even love matures. Its like a flower. Cherish it while it blooms."
Quote by Nanba, from Hana-Kimi For you in full bloom.
3. "Pure love means loving only one woman. Shes the one you hold most precious. She's so dear to you that no other woman would even enter your field of vision."
Quote by Makoto, from W Juliet.
4. "Its like I'm always the only one in love here."
Quote by Yukari, from Paradise Kiss.
5. "Watch for that signal, when life as you know it ends."
Quote by Jerry, from P.S. I Love You.
And now here's a song From the new All American Rejects CD that i really like.
ok so today i went to the zoo, and for some reason ive never noticed that they dont have pandas. wtf, why the hell dont they have pandas. i mean... come on.
*sigh*
but whatever, i made up for it by buying 2 panda stuffed animals. ^_^
...
over all the day was pretty depressing though. i always get depressed when i go to the zoo because all the animals just seem so sad you know. cause they're all locked up and stuff. so yeah, today wasnt to great. another thing that depressed me was all the happy familys. and i dont think it was the thought that i never really had that that bothered me, i think it was more the thought that ill never have that with someone else you know. ill never get married and have kids and take em to the zoo. i know that probably sounds stupid, and its not something someone my age should be thinking about, but it really bothered me. i think it was the first time i really thought that i regret being a lesbian. that i wished i could be normal...
heh, not that i could get a guy even if i was straight.
god i suck.
anyways, thats basically what my day was like. im not gonna get any deeper into it.
yeah, so as the title says, today wasnt to bad. although it would have been better if justine had been here.
over all school kinda sucked, but after school i got to hang out with the michelles and karina. and theres no way to be sad when your with them. i think i laughed more today then i have in the past month.
*sigh*
so yeah, thats cool.
i also got to play the Wii for a while today. and im pretty good at mario party. ^_^ which made me really happy, cause usually i suck at games.
he wants me to see a shrink. but i really REALLY dont wanna. and he didnt want to give me the meds, hes all like your strong and smart, and shit like that. now, i really like my doc, hes been my doc my whole life, and he knows like everything about me. but i hate compliments. and im not strong, and im failing like 2 classes and getting Ds in everything else, so theres no way im smart. but yeah, he gave me the lowest dose of whatever type of pill. its starts with a C... and that sucks, cause i wanted the highest dose you know. but he said id be like a zombie. and im sorry but thats exactly what i wanted. i dont want to feel anymore. i want to be numb. and i told him that but he still wouldnt give it to me. another problem with a lower dose is its going to take longer for it to start working. if it was a higher dose it'd start working faster. now its gonna take like a month before i feel anything different...
T-T
*sigh again*
i guess its time for news now.
my uncle david visited us yesterday and slept over and left this morning. so that cheered me up for a while. then i went to school and found out that Justine wasnt there. i talked to sammy and he said that she had said yesterday on the bus that she wasnt coming to school... and im pretty sure its my fault. so now i feel like shit, but whats new right. anyways, i didnt want to stay at school and be depressed all day, so i called my mom and i went home. and i PMed justine, but im pretty sure im not gonna get a response from her any time soon, cause she doesnt have a computer... then i finished watching elfen lied and cryed through most of it. which was the whole point of watching it, cause i heard it was a depressing kinda anime. so that made me feel a little better. sometimes i love a good cry. although i hate it while im crying. afterwards though i usually feel a little better...
anyways, after that i tried watching some porn, but i really wasnt in the mood for that. (obviously, i dont even know why i tried) then i played some music and curled up into a ball on the floor by the computer and fell asleep. then when i woke up the music had stopped playing, so im not sure how long i was asleep for, but god was i stiff. my neck was killing me. (cause i was in an odd position i guess) then i went to the bathroom (sorry, you all really dont need to know that) and then i turned on the TV and slept on the couch till my lil sis came home, and then i continued to lay there until we had to leave to go to the docs.
oh and i got starbucks on the way home. im drinking it right now.
...
i think ive gone from seriouly depressed, to just being in denial. cause theres no way i should feel the way i do right. i guess i got everything out during that cry earlier today.
...
Oh yeah, while i was talking to my doc he said i need to find something im passionate about. but the one thing im most passionate about is the one thing thats hurting me the most right now. and the whole point of having something to be passionate about is to help me... so, im not sure what to do there.
Heh, im not sure what to do with anything or anyone anymore. im losing it. im losing everyone.
...
but i guess i wont get into that. im liking this odd high that ive found, and i want to ride it out as long as i can. which will probably be till school tomorrow, cause i already know Justines not gonna be there. but its a half day, so at least i wont have to go through the whole day all depressed and alone. only half a day... thats so much better right?
...
yeah i guess thats all for today.
although i doubt anyones even going to read this. let alone comment on it. not that theres much to comment about.
ok so i borrowed my lil sis's MP3 player today. cause i had a feeling today would suck just like all the other days, (and i finished that book so i have nothing to read) and guess what i was right. *sigh* id do the whole lol thing, but i cant even work up a good fake laugh right now. i really suck.
but tomorrow im going to go see my doc and ask for the strongest meds they've got. and actually, im kinda hoping they dont work, so then i can say i was right. cause those types of meds never seem to work for me. but then again im also hoping they do work cause im sick of feeling like shit and crying and being angry all the time. so yeah. i guess i do hope they work...
...
anyways, back to the music. today was the first time i had ever listened to music during class all secretive like, and i liked it. i like the way it feels to just watch everyone else go on with there lives all happy like while i just sit there stuck in time listening to music watching them. its the oddest feeling, and it kinda makes me more depressed, but i like it.
...
Hm, oh i wrote a poem during history today. and while i was writing it i liked it,(its kinda a sexual poem) but when i re-read it in art it just seemed stupid and embarrasing. and it is just stupid and embarrasing, so im not gonna put it up cause it would also probably disgust some people. im seriouse, there would be gagging and everything... im just happy i was able to get some of my feelings out on paper.
oh and heres a question, has anybody here ever been angry, depressed... and horny all at the same time? its quite a wierd feeling, and im really not liking it. its getting harder to restrain myself from doing and saying things that i really dont want to say... or do... i guess.
i know ive probably said this a lot but, i really wish someone would just kill me. each time i say it though, theres usually something more painfull then the last happening. which is odd cause each time i say shit like this its like the end of the world for me, but somehow theres always something worse that could happen. although at the time i dont usually think like that. at the time i usually think that things cant get any worse...
so whatever.
sorry for the pointless and depressing post. youll probably be getting a lot more of them though.
...
this is stupid, its not like anyone really comes here anyways. and when someone does come they usually leave some bullshit comment that means nothing.
