I had to like beg my doc to get them though.
*sigh*
he wants me to see a shrink. but i really REALLY dont wanna. and he didnt want to give me the meds, hes all like your strong and smart, and shit like that. now, i really like my doc, hes been my doc my whole life, and he knows like everything about me. but i hate compliments. and im not strong, and im failing like 2 classes and getting Ds in everything else, so theres no way im smart. but yeah, he gave me the lowest dose of whatever type of pill. its starts with a C... and that sucks, cause i wanted the highest dose you know. but he said id be like a zombie. and im sorry but thats exactly what i wanted. i dont want to feel anymore. i want to be numb. and i told him that but he still wouldnt give it to me. another problem with a lower dose is its going to take longer for it to start working. if it was a higher dose it'd start working faster. now its gonna take like a month before i feel anything different...
T-T
*sigh again*
i guess its time for news now.
my uncle david visited us yesterday and slept over and left this morning. so that cheered me up for a while. then i went to school and found out that Justine wasnt there. i talked to sammy and he said that she had said yesterday on the bus that she wasnt coming to school... and im pretty sure its my fault. so now i feel like shit, but whats new right. anyways, i didnt want to stay at school and be depressed all day, so i called my mom and i went home. and i PMed justine, but im pretty sure im not gonna get a response from her any time soon, cause she doesnt have a computer... then i finished watching elfen lied and cryed through most of it. which was the whole point of watching it, cause i heard it was a depressing kinda anime. so that made me feel a little better. sometimes i love a good cry. although i hate it while im crying. afterwards though i usually feel a little better...
anyways, after that i tried watching some porn, but i really wasnt in the mood for that. (obviously, i dont even know why i tried) then i played some music and curled up into a ball on the floor by the computer and fell asleep. then when i woke up the music had stopped playing, so im not sure how long i was asleep for, but god was i stiff. my neck was killing me. (cause i was in an odd position i guess) then i went to the bathroom (sorry, you all really dont need to know that) and then i turned on the TV and slept on the couch till my lil sis came home, and then i continued to lay there until we had to leave to go to the docs.
oh and i got starbucks on the way home. im drinking it right now.
...
i think ive gone from seriouly depressed, to just being in denial. cause theres no way i should feel the way i do right. i guess i got everything out during that cry earlier today.
...
Oh yeah, while i was talking to my doc he said i need to find something im passionate about. but the one thing im most passionate about is the one thing thats hurting me the most right now. and the whole point of having something to be passionate about is to help me... so, im not sure what to do there.
Heh, im not sure what to do with anything or anyone anymore. im losing it. im losing everyone.
...
but i guess i wont get into that. im liking this odd high that ive found, and i want to ride it out as long as i can. which will probably be till school tomorrow, cause i already know Justines not gonna be there. but its a half day, so at least i wont have to go through the whole day all depressed and alone. only half a day... thats so much better right?
...
yeah i guess thats all for today.
although i doubt anyones even going to read this. let alone comment on it. not that theres much to comment about.
sorry.
ill go now.
...
