Before Masashi Kishimoto sat all the shinobi he had ever created.
They were all there, Naruto, Saskue, Kakashi, Kiba, Shino, Shikamaru, Choiji, the Akatsuki, the Sound, the Sand………all of them.
“This meeting of the Naruto Shinobi is called. All Shinobi are accounted for.” Masashi announced. He picked up the papers in front of him and read the first one aloud. “First issue: Reducing Yaoi innuendos. Orochimaru, you are the first to address this issue.”
The snake ninja stood up and cleared his throat. “Fellow Shinobi, far too many times have I seen ourselves illustrated as flaming homos by crazed yaoi fan girls. And I’m not even looking for yaoi, which makes this even worse.” Behind him, his disciples set up various charts and graphs. “I believe that the key to yaoi prevention lies in the reduction of homosexual innuendos….”
“You’re just piissed off because everybody thought you were gay after you said “I want your body Saskue!”” commented Sai.
“LOOK: YOU KNOW I’M STRAIGHT, I KNOW I’M STRAIGHT, BUT THE FANS DON’T!!!!! JUST LOOK AT THIS FAN COMIC!”
“Thank you Orochimaru, that will be all.” Masashi said, gesturing Orochimaru to sit down. “That brings us to our second issue: Sai, your shirt is too gay.”
“Whuh…wha…what?”
“THAT’S RIGHT!” shouted Naruto. The young blond ninja slammed his fist on the table, stood up and pointed at the quivering Sai. “When you make penis jokes at me while wearing that, it’s like a pig rolling in the mud is telling me I’m dirty! That shirt is the epitomy of girlyness!”
“And,” added Saskue, “You look like me, so when you look gay, it also makes me look gay.”
“Correct, and when Saskue looks gay, that makes my situation even worse!” Burst in Orochimaru.
Itachi stood up. “As much as I hate to admit it, the same goes for myself. Difference is, when I look gay, the entire Akatsuki looks gay.”
“No! NO! NNNOOOOO!” Sai screamed defiantly. “You can’t make me change my costume!”
“That is true.” Masashi sighed “But, the penis jokes have to go.” Masashi flexed his fingers, and lightning extended from them. The crackling electricity struck Sai. “You can no longer say penis, nor can you say any term that could mean penis. And if you find a loophole, you’ll be castrated by ransangan!”
“NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!” Sai wailed as ran out of the room sobbing.
“Issue number 3: Our mandatory fan services. We’re falling behind here. I need 3 big ideas.”
“Well,” Naruto said, leaning back in his chair, “I’ve been playing with this idea in my head for a while. You know how Sakura and Ino are always fighting over Saskue? What if they decided whoever won a mud wrestling match got him?”
Various approvals came from around the table.
“And I suppose I could come along and ‘innocently’ push in Hinata?” laughed Kiba.
“Yes! Yes!” said Masashi. “This is very good! The more girls the better!”
“I suppose,” sighed Shikamaru, “that Temari and Tenten could be fighting because one of them borrowed the other’s make up without asking or something, and they could accidentally get caught up in the mud pit.”
“And of course, Tayuya will want revenge on Temari……” chimed in Orochimaru.
Pein stroked his chin. “I’m sure I can find some way to get Konan involved in this.”
“Yeah, then Anko, Tsunade and Shizune will come in and try to be all authoritive.” Said Jiraiya as he clapped his hands with perverted glee. “I think that covers all the girls, if you don’t count Haku.”
“Oh, and what am I supposed to be doing while this is going on?” snorted Saskue. “Sitting around, watching them like a pervert?”
“That’s what I’ll be doing!” shouted Choiji.
“We should all be sitting around, watching them like perverts! That would be hilarious!” said Naruto. “Especially if Kiba and I were doing color commentary while Shikamaru and Saskue did play-by-play!”
“And the rest of us will just be sitting around, eating chips and drinking pop?” asked Choiji.
“Yes Choiji, that’s what everybody will be doing.” Commented Shikamaru dryly. “Y’know, I think they’ll notice us at one point and stop fighting.”
“Yes, then we’ll have to start fighting each other to make it look like that’s what we’re doing all along.” Gaara responded.
“It’ll be the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: Naruto style! The landscape will be ruined and we’ll all be inches from death when it’s over!” shouted Naurto. “We shall compact all the intensity of all the fights into five minutes…….”
“Oooooh man, Tsunade’s gonna have her work cut out for her.” Said Kakashi.
“The girls will be dragging us off by the time the credits are rolling……..” sighed Saskue.
“Oooooh! I got the perfect ending!” shouted Naruto, jumping up and down, “Ino and Sakura find Saskue and play tug of war until he rips in half!”
“NO!” shouted Saskue. “Well, maybe. Do I get put back together?”
“Sure you do. Okay, we still need 2 more ideas….” said Masashi.
“Well, we all have our own perks don’t we?” said Zetsu. “Why don’t we make a documentary on them? Even if we didn’t include peeping and cheating at card games, that’s still a lot of stuff.”
“Yes, it is.” Agreed Neji. “If I’m standing in front of a mirror, I can read every page in a book without ever opening it.”
“My abs double as nut crackers!” piped in Rock Lee.
“Gaara and I can make sandwiches without entering the kitchen.” Added Kankuro. “Of course, Gaara’s sandwiches are a bit more………..sandy.”
“Having six bodies means I can reserve my spot at the front of 5 different lines.” Said Pein.
“Hah! I can reserve my spot at the front of a hundred different lines!” said Naruto.
“Okay, that’s good. We need one more idea.” said Masashi.
“Blooper reel.” Said Shikamaru.
“Brilliant, why didn’t I think of that before? Okay, if no one else has anything they’d like to discuss…….”
“I’ve been experiencing some wardrobe malfunctions ever since I wore that bad speedo at Panama Beach.” Said Kisame.
“What sort of wardrobe malfunctions?” asked Masashi.
“Sudden wardrobe malfunctions.”
“Sudden wardrobe malfunctions?”
Kisame’s clothes suddenly combusted, and Kisame sat there naked. Everybody covered their eyes or looked away, as the table was made of glass.
Kisame nodded and said “Sudden wardrobe malfunctions.” He then took Tobi’s cloak and put it on himself.
“Well, I’ll see what I can do. In the mean time, stay inside, and try to keep away from windows and open doors.” said Masashi. “Oh wait, you live in a giant fishbowl. Oh well, if nobody else has anything to say, this meeting is adjourned!”
