Now that I've gotten your attention...
To start from the beginning: this has to do with DHB, and yes, I'm going to finally spill the beans as to what I've been wangsting about since April. To people who are not yet familiar with the soap opera that is DHB and I, DHB is my ex(?)-crush and (sort of) best friend at college. I use "sort of" because that's pretty much how it is right now.
Since the very beginning, DHB had one other person who was pretty much his "other best friend" at college. In fact, it was the two of them who hung out with each other all the time at the start of our freshmen year, until I wedged my way in, and for a little while, DHB started spending more time with me. And for the longest time, her presence didn't bother me at all.
But for reasons I still can't fully discern, some time last spring, that began to change. DHB started spending a little less time with me and a little more time with his other friend, and when I noticed it, I was really upset by it. And I didn't really understand why. (Mind you, this other friend of his lived in the same hall as me, which made things worse for a whole truckload of reasons.) All this continued, and got worse and worse, until the last week of classes, which is when I had a total breakdown and cried to DHB for an hour about how my crazy jealous tendencies were turning me into a wreck, and how much I cared about him, and how uncomfortable and anxious I felt when all three of us were together. As terrible as this sounds, I think part of the reason why I told him all this was out of the expectation that he would react to it in some way, like he would start spending more time with me again or something. But nothing ended up changing.
So the distance allowed me to get over DHB a little over the summer, and I started this school year with the expectation of being a lot more emotionally stable. But one of the first things I learned when I got back on campus was that DHB's dorm was right next to his other friend's, but across the campus from mine. And at first, I was somewhat indifferent. But after a couple weeks of this, I couldn't help but feel bothered that the two of us hardly saw each other anymore. We basically only saw each other in passing for maybe half the week, and only for a couple hours a day for the other half of the week. He also hardly called me or texted me. It was just such a difference from last year, when we spent at least five hours around each other every single day. And of course, he spent a lot of time with his much nearer friend.
About a week ago, I had basically convinced myself that DHB (finally?) replaced me with his other friend. He clearly doesn't need me around as long as he has his other friend to do shit with him, I would think. DHB would often describe something he did with his other friend, then say half-hearted things like, "I thought of asking you to come along too, but then I remembered that you live across campus now." But I just KNEW that if his other friend was on my side of campus, he would probably make much greater efforts to cross campus to get to us. But since it was "just" me, he didn't feel as compelled to do so. So I came to the conclusion that I... just wasn't as important to him as I assumed I was.
So as you can see, I was VERY BITTER. Not that I could ever actually express my bitterness to him b/c A) I hardly saw him so there was little opportunity to, B) he's so damn nice to me that I never have the heart to bitch at him about how much he's killing me and C) I recognize that none of this is actually his fault. This is way more my issue than his; I was the one who assumed that he needed me more than he actually does and it's not like I can force to him to care about me more.
Of course, right when I started to accept the idea of my angsting about this in solitude, DHB suddenly started hanging out with me more often. And then he started acting more the way he did last year--as in, he started hugging me often again and stuff like that. And then I somehow ended up sleeping over in his room last Friday night. And spent all of yesterday with him. Not that I'm not happy about all this (he DOES care after all!), but... what the fuck. I can't help but think this entire situation is horribly unfair.
I mean, he KNOWS that I feel weird around his other friend, but refuses to acknowledge it. So he gets all confused when I say that I don't want to watch Amazing Race with him or that I don't want to eat dinner with him today, and my brain is like, HELLO THERE'S A HIGH POSSIBILITY THAT YOUR OTHER FRIEND WILL BE THERE, WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THESE THINGS. And he feels perfectly okay hugging me and being all touchy-feely when I'm around my other guy friends, but when his other girl friends are around, he's suddenly a lot more reserved. HMMM. Ironically, a little while ago when the two of us were walking, he said something about how I was using my charisma to physically pull him over to my side of the campus against his will. (Not that it was strong enough, since he ended up walking back to his dorm anyway. =_=;) And I was like, you have got to be kidding me. I'm the one who continues to hang out with him and go along with maybe 90% of his requests, even though I know it will most likely end up with me feeling at least a little jealous and miserable at some point. If anyone is getting pulled, it's definitely me.
Damn it. It's all so grim. If I don't spend time with him, I'll feel lonely and end up sad. If I spend time with him, his other friends will eventually show up and tell me about how they all went to so-and-so earlier that day, and the two of us hung out until 4am sunday night, and tell Bell about what happened to the two of us in the lounge yesterday, and I can't believe you haven't told Bell THAT story yet. And I'll be reminded of how temporary and marginal my one-on-one time with DHB really is and end up sad. I mean, how fucked up is this? I'll end up sad no matter what.
But in spite of all my bitching... what I still wish for most of all is for things to go back to how they were before. I miss him, but I'm too stubborn and afraid of getting hurt to actually act on that feeling. I can't say why, but... it really hurts to hear him explicitly acknowledge the situation and say things like, "Last year I hung out with Bell all the time, but now that I live south, I hang out with [my other friend] all the time." Not that that wasn't obvious. But even if nothing has really changed between us and we generally act the same way around each other as we did last year, I don't feel like I'm his best friend anymore. And I miss that feeling.
