So. I've done more thinking on my situation and (I hope) I have things more or less figured out. I was pretty much on the verge of "letting go" of my friendship with DHB... until I realized how foolish it would be for me to let this friendship fall apart. I don't want to be that person who constantly pushes others away for "getting too close" or who simply *cannot* open herself up to other people without becoming 100% possessive of them. If I don't fix this now, then who's to say that this situation won't be replicated in my future relationships?
It's not like I'll be stuck in this situation forever. One day, DHB & I won't be in college anymore. And maybe by that point, I'll have gotten over all my emotional baggage and will be able to be around him without feeling jealous of his other female friends all the time. But if I ruin things now, there's no chance of that happening, no future for our friendship. And I don't think I could ever forgive myself for that. Esp. since I do have a tendency to just let people slip by.
So basically, I'm just trying to suck it up the best I can. Not that figuring things out have necessarily rid me of my problems. Since deciding on this:
1) Was invited to a late-night study party by an upperclassmen friend... except he also invited DHB and his other friend, which triggered my DON'T WANT reaction. Told DHB to go without me and to cover for me somehow, but at the last minute, my upperclassmen friend guilted me into going by pulling the old, "But I made these brownies for you!" So I walked across campus through the effing rain to get to this guy's apartment, pretty pissed off by the time I arrived for various rational and irrational reasons. I gave DHB (and only DHB) the cold shoulder b/c I felt like I could just start screaming at him at any second. (Though I do believe he was the only one who noticed how off I was, anyway.) So at first, he just sort of stayed out of my way and things were super awkward, but after a little more than an hour passed by and I was still talking around rather than to him, he sat next to me and rested his head on my shoulder. Of course, he did this only after his other friend left, since there's no way he would've done something nearly that affectionate if she had been around. But since I'm the BIGGEST, MOST SELF-DESTRUCTIVE DUMBASS EVER, I was contented anyway. ;__;
2) Did a small favor for "the other friend" last night. It really wasn't a big deal, but it still made me want to headdesk. Esp. since the first thing she did after my favor was turn to DHB and say, "Now the two of us have matching lanterns!" Good job, me, you really are as foolishly kind as everyone says you are. OTL
But I figure this is all part of the "moving on" process. One day, I won't feel bad when DHB and his friend make in-jokes that I'm not in on, and when I see them together, I will no longer have an intense desire to turn and walk in the opposite direction. (Or actually do so and feel pathetic afterwards. --;;) I might know what I want to do now, but actually going through with it is still difficult. I'll probably continue to have my occasional rants, until all of you facepalm every time you read my life posts and think, "Bell, you are so contradictory. Why can't you just be happy, you stupid whore!!"
It's funny. I've always thought of myself as being so mature, but times like these always remind me of how much more growing up I have to do.
On a better note:
- My friend's Asian Awareness Club got approved, which should help keep me busy.
- Have been re-connecting with friends who I didn't do so great a job keeping in touch with last semester.
- Will be throwing on the wheel for the first time in a year tomorrow. :3
- And... I decided to start seeing a counselor on campus. Which makes me feel almost ashamed, since I was raised to believe that I can get through my problems on my own. But this is an issue that I would rather discuss with people uninvolved rather than with friends (which would just complicate things, at this point), so I decided to swallow my pride and just do it. Hopefully it will help. :)
