I'm back in Chicago. It's been an interesting past two days.
Saying goodbye to everyone was a little less sad than I was expecting. Knowing how I sometimes get, I thought I was gonna start bawling, but I didn't. Lord knows I came close once DHB popped up right before I was about to head off and the two of us said goodbye. :(
My going abroad next year changes a lot of things for me. Some of my friends are seniors who are graduating this year, but by the time I'm back from abroad, my junior year friends will have graduated as well. Coupled with the fact that there is a good chance that two of my closest friends from my year will transfer, there really won't be very many of my friends left once I'm a senior.
I certainly don't regret my decision to go abroad. But I'm a little sad about it, too, and a little bit anxious. When saying goodbye to certain people, I realized how good of a hand I was dealt in terms of the relationships I was able to form at Kenyon. I got to know a lot of really interesting people, and I found myself wondering if I will be so lucky in the coming years. When it comes to friendships, there's no guarantee really. :(
I'm especially sad about the seniors. I only recently started to become close to a couple of them, and lately, I've been kicking myself over the head for not becoming closer to them sooner. I know that friendships can't be forced or rushed, but still. I wish I had had more time to get to know them. And since they're graduating, who knows when I'll next see them. It's not like we all have the same hometowns. They're just... gone. :(
But even so, thinking of DHB and how much I'll miss him next year saddens me the most. I took a walk with him early in the morning when the sun was just peeking out and the campus was still asleep. We talked about movies and video games and all of the other mundane things we always talk about, but he also reflected on how much he thinks he's grown this past year and how amazing it is that he feels so content now when he was so worried at the onset of the school year. When we got back, I started to doze off almost immediately. But DHB kept talking to me and trying to keep me up as long as possible, as if he didn't want the moment to end. At one point he prodded me and said something like, "Wow, you're not going to be back to Kenyon for a summer. Then a whole semester. Then another semester. Then a summer." As if we could just feel how much time that is and how much will change between now and then. :(
Bah, I'm tearing up again. I don't think what I'm feeling can be called sadness because sadness implies some negative event. But I don't think what I'm feeling is bad. I'm feeling this way because I've met a lot of great people and because I'll miss one person in particular who I've grown to love so, so much.
So here's to the end of my sophomore year. I've changed a lot this past school year, in ways that are less visible in comparison to last year, but the changes are important nonetheless. I've learned a lot about relationships, about my friends, and about myself. Tomorrow is the start of ACen, so... let's hope I cheer up a bit. :)
