I'm back in Chicago. Back home, and part of me still wishes I wasn't.
I find it really ironic that break has turned into something that's sort of a drag to me, and now school is what I really look forward to. Not doing papers or not sleeping because I have so much reading to do, obviously, but it's the people there who I miss already. I feel like Kenyon's home for me more than real home is.
And it's sad that I don't have a serious, clearly legit reason for not wanting to be back home, as is the case with some friends who have family issues and the like. My family is fine--I'm not really close to any of them other than my mother, but that's not really an issue. But at the same time it is, because I just feel so much more connected to people at Kenyon. Like the people there really know me. Because even though I know my sister and grandmother and everyone else in my immediate family care deeply for me, I feel like they don't really know me anymore.
I never realized how lonely most of my life was until it stopped being so. I have friends here who I could visit, but they pale in comparison to DHB or Eccentric NYer or my old roommate... and to be honest, knowing now that we were never really that close, it makes me not want to bother much with them anymore. Because they can't compare and it just makes me realize again how disconnected I am with people and how lonely I really am in Chicago.
I'm thankful that I have people I'm really close to now and I'm okay with the fact that they have their own lives outside of Kenyon and that I can't be around them all the time. I think I've done a fairly good job of trying to put my past behind me (because I had a ton of social/insecurity issues pretty much from childhood that I'm still in the process of getting over), but when I come home, it almost feel as if my past resurfaces. I do most things alone when I'm home: go to movies alone, go shopping alone, etc. and all this never bothered me before, but it does now. It sort of feels like I was in this numbed state up until this year where I would just sort of float through life, letting people flit by me without attempting to know them at all. And there's no way to fix it because really, how in the hell am I supposed to make new friends in Chicago now? Go out clubbing and hope I meet people? Hell no.
And I've realized my insecurities at home seep into my life at college. Because as much as I hate to admit it, deep down on the inside, I'm jealous of DHB's high school friends. We're really close now, yeah, but realistically speaking, the two of us have only known each other for four months. He's known his friends at home for years and years. And as pathetic as it is to think it, how important can I really be in comparison to them? I think the two of us might be closer on a one-on-one level, but still... I feel like if he really had to choose, they would be more of a priority than me. I know this wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that I don't have anyone like that back in my home to fall back on. So as much as I love being so close to DHB, it terrifies me at the same time because I need him more than he needs me, and being that helplessly dependent on someone is scary for someone like me.
I don't know. I think I just needed to let this all out. I'll probably feel better about the home situation in a couple days.
