(Written right at the last damn minute. Just like college!)
It's really shocking when I realize just how much I've changed in the past year. In a lot of ways, I feel like I'm a completely different person. My work ethic is much better, I feel more independent and balanced as a person, and most importantly, I'm much happier overall. I have friends who I feel I can open up to about things I would never tell anyone before college, not even my mother, who I used to consider myself closest to. But of all my new friends, there's one person who sticks out in my life more than anyone else, more than family, even.
People who read my posts regularly the past year have already heard of (over and over again) a boy I've nicknamed DHB. My friendship with him started as an ill-fated crush that eventually gave way to a purely platonic relationship. But even months and months after I knew any sort of romance between us was impossible, my feelings for him felt so strong that I wondered if I was (and I'm not using these words lightly here) in love with him despite the futility of it.
I had never cared about someone before nearly as much as I cared about him. I don't obsess over other people's feelings the way my mother or sister or countless other people amongst my relatives do; I've never been that person who goes completely out of my way for people just because it's in my nature to do so. Yet DHB was the one exception to this rule. I thought about him constantly. If he didn't eat lunch because he had work to do, I would bring food to his room; if he mentioned off-hand that he was craving a particular candy, I would buy it for him on the way back to the dorm from class; I absolutely could not stand the thought of him being upset at or annoyed with me and could hardly think about anything else if I thought he was. A lot of acquaintances assumed the two of us were dating or made jokes about it because of how close the two of us appeared to be.
Of course, my near-obsession with him (which grew worse as the school year proceeded) had serious drawbacks. But at the same time, I could never say that I regret being friends with him because, even though my friendship with him is sometimes exhausting emotionally, my life is much better with him in it rather than without. He's one of the only people in my life who I know would never, ever intentionally do or say anything that would hurt me. And not because he's the nicest person in the world; he has said insulting things about friends behind their backs, and with certain friends, he does it constantly. But I know he wouldn't do that to me. He cares about me a lot, and he doesn't even need to say it for me to know; I can sense it and I'm sure he can sense that I feel the same way.
Even though, like any person, he has many flaws, including some flaws that end up hurting me, I accept him just the way he is. And I know he also "likes me just the way I am..." (Albeit tipsy at the time he said it, but I don't think it was an alcohol-induced lie. ^-^;) And as some of my other friends have told me, the ability to say that to another person and honestly mean it is something to be cherished.
As for whether I'm in love with him or not... I honestly don't know. I've never been in love before, but at the same time, I've never had a friend this close either. For now, I'm trying to take the Tomoyo (CCS) approach; if he's happy, then I'm happy, even if he's off being happy with someone else. But I guess I can't say for sure until it actually happens...
