I've been feeling extremely awful. I almost ran away from home last night. I ended up leaving the house for a bit and sat outside. It was almost ten o'clock at night. Then I came back in and cried in my room.
I'm feeling so alone. I don't even talk to my own boyfriend on the phone often. Nor do I see him. Nor do I see anyone else.
I'm feeling like I really have no point being here. I mean, I know I never did to begin with, but.. I'm feeling the most shittiest I've probably felt in a while.
I don't know who I am anymore. I don't even feel anymore. All I feel is numb.
I think my time is soon going to come to an end..
It's almost two in the morning. I can't sleep. My sleeping schedule is all messed up. *Grumbles* My mom wants me to go to the dentist with her at nine-thirty in the morning too. She's a-scared. My poor mummzie. So, I said I'd go. (I put "ho" at first, haha.. >_>)
Hmm... I finally got my report card yesterday. The lowest grade I got was a B. Which is amazing. I usually get at least one C. Or two. Plus, get this. If it weren't for that dang friggin' B I would have had straight A's. -____- DARN YOU PRE-ALGEBRA!!
Anyway, here's what I got:
- English: A- (I hate when they give A-'s. It's so annoying. They should just give you a friggin' A or A+.)
- Technology (Outdoor Ed): A
Comments I got: While Brittany was not a member of the softball team, she did attend every game and cheer the team on. She was eligible for and attended every Meet The Challenge trip this quarter. She emerged as quite a leader in the Outdoor Education program and attended the end of the year overnight trip.
Here's how the grading system ranks (Only gonna do the one's that I got):
I wish I could have made straight A's. That would have been amazing. I probably would have died of a heart attack. That's okay though. I'm proud of what I got. It's probably one of the best report cards I've gotten in my whole entire life.
What's more amazing is, I only had five absences. Now, when I was going to West *cough cough* "Hell" High school I had over I think, 60+ absences. That's a HUGE change.
Those five times I was absent were pretty legit reasons too. I can remember them all.
First one is because I went to the ER needing medication, but finding out I couldn't get it unless I was hospitalized. Second time because I was upset about having to go to the ER. Third time was because I needed a personal day to myself before I went insane. Fourth was because I had an appointment I was supposed to go to, but my mom didn't end up bringing me. -_- Fifth was because I was having anxiety attacks.
So, those are somewhat legit. Then again so were the other reasons as to why I wasn't going to "Hell" high school. I despise that school. I hate it more than a hospital. I remember when I had gone there after not being there for like a month I wanted to write all over the walls that I hated the school. I even asked my mom if I could.
What I find funny is.. At my school it's a placement school. Which means people have gotten in trouble for various things, or they have problems like myself. At "Hell" high they have signs up on the walls that say to not do graffiti and how much you'll get fined for it and crap, and at my school there's no such signs as that. I just find it weird because my school is full of people who do scandalous things like that, but yet we have no signs around the school saying that stuff.
I love my school. I wish I had been put in it sooner. Then I wouldn't have messed up my future. But you know what? I'm actually an eleventh grader. I'm not boarding the ninth/tenth line anymore. I'm an actual eleventh grader. You have NO clue how happy that made me.
My mom didn't tell me she was proud of me. Nor did my grandfather, or my grandmother. They've never told me they've been proud of me, because everything I've done or do isn't good enough. Especially for my grandparents. My grandpa John is always on my ass about my grades. He says I'm not smart enough to be a vet. Even my mom thinks so. I find it quite heartbreaking that my family doesn't have any confidence in me. I mean, I'm not dumb. I might be slow, but I'm not dumb. It takes me a while to learn things, but I haven't been diagnosed with a learning disability. I just think my anxiety gets in the way.
I didn't mean to brag if it seemed like I was. I'm just proud of myself. For once.
Besides that I've got a random fact for you. I'm drinking Snapple, and there's facts inside the cover and I thought this fact was interesting.
"Real Fact" #330
The top of the Empire State Building was originally built as a place to anchor blimps.
See, isn't that interesting?! I didn't know that.
Anyway, I'm gonna try and sleep or something. Have a nice day.
xoxo,
Britty
Lately I've noticed that I've been stuck in a dream world, rather than reality. I can't even deceiver reality from dream anymore. It's starting to really scare me too. Reality sucks ass as of now. Then again so does dream world. *Sigh* I just want to get away. Get away forever.
It's almost three in the morning. I can't sleep. I don't feel well at all. My body aches wicked bad. All over. Mostly the lower part of my body starting from the middle of my back down hurts really bad. I can't even lay on my back it hurts so bad. To top it off I'm cold and shivering one minute, and then I'm sweating the next. I've been taking pain relievers every couple of hours, but they're not helping. I feel like total and utter crap. I just wish I had like a wicked strong pain reliever. It's seriously in the 70's in my house, and I had on a sweater, PJ pants, socks, and two blankets and I was still shivering and cold. Now I'm sweating my butt off. *Sobs* I dun feel good! ;_;
Hope you guys are doing well. :] Have a nice day.
xoxo,
Sick Britty 
It's five in the morning. I'm tired, but I just can't sleep. My ears hurt really bad. I think I'll probably take this allergy medicine. It helps get rid of ear aches and stuff. My ears hurt so bad though. They ache. *Starts to cry* My arms ache too. I just feel like crap. You know how you're supposed to wake up refreshed in the morning? Refreshed my ass. I always feel like I was ran over by a steam roller when I wake up.
There's nothing on tv right now, but Date My Mom on MTV. I've seen this show before, and I've always thought it was pretty whack. A guy goes and dates three girls moms and he doesn't know what the girls look like or what they're like besides what the moms tell him. Then he chooses the girl on the facts the mom gave him about her daughter. But like.. The moms talk about their daughters boobs and stuff. It's weird. I hate how dating someone these days is basically just based on their looks. Probably because I'm not good looking.
I don't know.. Today's society just really ticks me off. I have a feeling the world is going to get a lot worse, and if it does I don't want to be part of it. I'm gonna like live in the jungle far away from humanity and live like a primate. Haha..
I've realized something. I'm incapable of love. I see all these people around me able to get someone in an instant. Whereas it takes me a long time. When I finally am with someone it seems like everything that could go wrong does. Or they just don't love me. I want to be in a relationship where I'm treated like a princess. I'm not saying I want tons of stuff from them. I just want them to love me, and always want to be with me, and just treat me well. 'Cause the relationships I've been in haven't exactly been the greatest. Don't get me wrong, I did like parts of my past relationships and current relationship, but.. I just want to be loved. I just want someone to want me. Someone who wants to be around me all the time, and just is totally and madly in love with me. Currently I'm not getting that. Nah, he doesn't give a crap.
I've also realized that I'm too clingy. I guess it's so wrong to want to be around the person you're with all the time, right? It's wrong to not want them to go and hang out with other girls, right?
I went to the beach on Thursday for the first time in forever. I even went in a convertible for the first time in my life. I didn't like it. Too windy. I think I'll stick to a car that has a top. The beach wasn't fun though. Casey had to smoke. Of course. The kids friggin' 16 years old and his parents allow him to smoke. It pisses me off. Nate was being a jerk. A wicked jerk. I actually wanted to walk into the water and drown myself. I needed to use the bathroom and I didn't want to walk there myself because I would have gotten lost, and I'm afraid of being out in public by myself. So he was like, "Aww.. you need someone to hold your hand to go to the bathroom?" -_- Then when I got out of the bathroom I was like, "Okay, let's go." and he was like, "I'm waiting for someone. Shoo shoo." That's when I yelled at him. I called him a whore bag, and I told him the way he was acting was making me want to fucking kill myself. I almost started crying. So when we walked back to where Casey and his mom were, we got "lost". We ended up walking by her, and she didn't even say anything. There were these little pools on the beach from the tide, and Nate would walk in them and then splash me. I kept asking him nicely to stop, and he wouldn't. By then my skirt was soaked because I had it on at the time. He wouldn't stop though so I got up in his face and yelled at him. He saw Casey's mom though, and we went over there. Nate and I went in the water, and I was flipping out. I don't like water. I'm actually terrified of it. I'm like a cat. I've had so many bad experiences when it comes to water, that I'm afraid of it. It was really cold too. After a little bit of standing in the water trying not to die I went back to shore where I decided I'd try and read my book, but then they wanted to walk to the store. So, I started to go with them till Casey lit up a cigarette, and Nate pretended like he was going to take it. It's like all those two want to do is smoke. It's annoying. Smoking is probably more important to Nate than I am anyway. But yeah.. I ended up going back to the beach and staying with Casey's mom. Then when they came back it was time for us to go anyway. When we got back in the car Nate started acting like his normal Nate self. He wasn't being so much of a boob head. That's when I actually like him. When he's being like himself, not a prick. Then I got home, and took a shower and fell asleep.
Today I'm "supposed" to see Wall-E with Nate, but.. I don't even know where he is. I don't know if he's at home or at Casey's. 'Cause he went to a pool party yesterday so I don't know if he went back to Casey's after or what. He probably won't call today either. I don't know why I'm setting myself up like this. Oh well. I'll just go see the damn movie with my grandfather if I have to.
My arm is hurting really bad. It's like numb.
You know.. The only thing that remotely loves me is my cat Gavin. Probably because her brain is tiny. At least she can't voice what she thinks about me.
Eh.. anyway.. I'm gonna go watch this brain washing shit on tv and maybe go back to sleep and die.
Love ya's.
Thanks for reading if you did, and I didn't get any comments on my story yesterday.. Eh it's shit anyway.
Have a nice day.
