Warning: If suicides upset you, please leave now, sorry! ;-)
Italics:Song words. underlined: flashbacks!
Breaking the Habit.
Kai pushed the door closed behind him and leaned against it with a sigh. Every day was like this, and it kept on getting worse. Every day the others were there, getting closer and closer to finding out the truth. Closer to finding out what kind of monster he was. And it scared him.
Pushing away from the door, Kai walked over to the window to gaze out into the night, frustrated with himself. Despite all the times he had promised not to let anyone close ever again, here he was and it was happening again. All over again. Kai flinched slightly as faces and forgotten voices rose up in his head, wanting to take him through the pain again. If the days were always the same, then the same could be said for the nights. Kai squeezed his eyes shut, trying to shut out the images flowing through his mind. There was no escape.
Memories come down,
Like opening the wounds,
And picking me apart again.
You all assume,
I'm safe here in my room,
Unless I try to start again.
Kai gasped as one image jumped up from the sea of many.
Young Kai shut his tear-filled eyes against the cold gaze of the man in front of him. He bit down forcefully on his lip to try and stop the whimper threatening to escape. Despite numerous beatings and tortures, he was still just a child and there was only so much he could take. He was nearing his limit and he could feel the edge of darkness against his vision, threatening to take over. He couldn't let it. He couldn't be so weak.
In his room, Kai sank down to the floor his head held in his hands. He didn't want to see this again, he didn't need to see it anymore but the memory didn't stop and there was nothing he could do.
'Don't cry. Being weak is unacceptable.' the young Kai nodded shakily, blood dripping down his scarred skin. 'What you did is also unacceptable.' Kai gulped back a sob of helplessness. The voice was so cold and bitter. Kai knew what was coming. Pain crashed through his side as the man brought a whip cracking down on him. Kai was flung to the floor where he stayed, leaning weakly on one arm as he stared through blurring eyes at the granite floor.
The elder Kai let out a small whimper as he felt the pain again, searing through his side.
'Get up weakling.' It was not a command that could be disobeyed. Kai struggled up onto his feet where he stood swaying slightly as he watched the man come closer with wary eyes. The man sneered slightly.
'Fool, why would you help them if you knew this would happen?' he asked mockingly. Kai thought of the two children, both a few years younger than him, both crying out weakly as they struggled to keep up through the snow.
'I couldn't let them freeze.' he whispered. His vision went black for a moment as the man's fist cracked across his jaw and he was thrown across the room against the wall. When he could see again he was lying on the floor and the man was shouting at him.
'They were weak, they should have died! Did you really think saving them from the snow would let them keep their lives?' Kai's heart leapt fearfully.
'No, Oh god, stop it there, don't show me this again!' cried Kai, shaking his head fearfully, he knew where this vision was going.
'Where are they?' the child asked, almost panicked. A slow sadistic smile spread across the man's face.
'Why they're waiting for you right now, you should go spend some time with them to make sure they're okay.' Kai frowned slightly, pushing himself onto his hands and knees.
'Don't...don't do it...' Kai was curled up on his side, shaking with fear as tears rolled down his face as he waited for the inevitable.
'Come on, I'll take you to them.' Young Kai frowned; the man was acting strangely. He was being ...friendly. With one hand clutching his bleeding arm, Kai got up and took a few tentative steps towards the waiting man. The man just nodded patiently, smiling slightly as Kai came closer before he turned and walked out the door, Kai following. The child never noticed how the smile never quite reached the man's eyes. They stayed the same as always, ice cold.
After a while, the pair reached a large metal door.
'They're in there Kai, waiting for you.'
Kai looked up cautiously, questioning whether the man was telling the truth or not. The man just nodded encouragingly. With a tentative push, the door swung open. There was a gasp as Kai felt himself pushed roughly inside and the door slammed shut behind him. Young Kai lay there for a second catching his breath. Then he looked up fearfully before scrambling back with a scream of horror.
Kai was grasping his head in his hands trying to shut out the horror of what he could see but he couldn't hold it in. Kai's mouth opened and he let out a wordless scream.
In his mind's eye he watched as the two small bodies, hung by the neck, swung gently back and forth while his younger self screamed in horror.
I don't want to be the one,
The battles always choose.
Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused.
'Kai?' Finally Kai was able to snap away from the vision, replaying itself in his head. He looked up and realized he was on the floor. There was another knock.
'Kai? Are you okay?' Kai stood up hastily. Quickly dashing the tears from his eyes he gave a hasty reply.
'I'm fine.' He said roughly. There was a pause as Rei and the others conferred with each other outside his door.
'Are you...' He cut them off,
'I'm fine, just go away.' he growled angrily. He listened almost regretfully as, after another pause, his friend's footsteps receded down the hall. Leaving him alone again. He stood there for a moment, wondering how long the others could believe his lies. With a muttered curse Kai grabbed his towel and strode angrily into the en-suite bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him.
Catching sight of himself in the mirror, he growled again, his eyes were red and tearstained. Turning away he pulled off his top and switched on the shower. Then, pulling off the rest of his clothes he stepped in under the hot water, letting the liquid wash away all his thoughts for a while.
I don't know what's worth fighting for or why I have to scream,
I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean.
With a sigh, Kai leant his head against the cool tiles as the water wrapped around his body, soothing away some of the aches and pain that had returned from memory these past few days. He didn't know why it was happening but he knew his past was trying to drag him under again. All the things he had escaped, the torture that he'd left behind when he had found the Blade Breakers, it was haunting him now and he didn't know how to stop it. How do you stop your own mind? Kai opened his eyes and stared bleakly at the water flowing away down the drain, escaping. With a grimace at his own weakness, Kai reached out for the shampoo, to wash his hair. As he pulled it off the shelf something else fell down. He stared at it. Memories clamored in his head as he stared wide eyed at the razor that had fallen to the floor.
I don't know how I got this way, I know its not alright,
So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit tonight.
Kai stepped slowly out of the shower; carefully averting is eyes from the object on the floor. He dried himself off, taking his time. Then he started pulling on his clothes, his trousers, his top; he left off the arm guards. They would only get in his way. Kai sat down suddenly as he realized what he was thinking. His hands were starting to shake. Looking down he considered the razor, still lying where he had left it on the floor. Reaching down with shaking hands, he stopped just above the instrument and clenched his fist shut in an attempt to stop himself. Abruptly the memories were there again, drowning out his thoughts in an attempt to be heard. With a gasp, Kai reached down and grabbed hold of the razor's handle, before clutching it tightly to his chest.
Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door, and try to catch my breath again.
I heard much more, than any time before, I have no options left again.
Standing up decisively he walked to the door. With a slight pause, he took hold of the key and turned it in the lock, shutting out everyone, locking himself away with his only escape. Catching his breath with nervousness Kai sank down against the wall, studying the razor resting in his hand. It glinted dangerously in the harsh bathroom light.
'What am I doing?' whispered Kai, disbelievingly to himself. He didn't know anymore. All the suffering he'd put up with in his life, all the pain he went through, was it all leading up to this point?
I don't want to be the one,
The battles always choose.
Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused.
Why shouldn't he end it? What was there to stop him? He sat there watching the razor for over an hour, just thinking these thoughts. There was nothing for him. Nothing left to struggle for. There had never been anything to struggle for. Silent tears started running down Kai's cheek as he gripped the razor firmly, lifting it to rest lightly on his wrist. It's better this way. The single thought ran through his mind as he pressed down and sharp metal slashed through his pale skin. Despite his resolve, Kai's mouth opened and an agonized cry burst forth, breaking the silence. It hurt so much, just watching the crimson blood dripping through his limp fingers.
'Kai?' Kai winced at the voice. They were back again, why had he screamed, why did he always give himself away. 'Kai? Are you in there? What's wrong?'
'Go away.' whispered Kai through clenched teeth. They were at the door now, twisting the handle, trying to get in.
'Kai, what's going on.' Kai grimaced against the pain, they actually sounded worried.
'Just go away!' he yelled shortly, before gasping sharply and clutching at his wrist. With tear-filled eyes, Kai watched weakly as his blood flowed from his body.
I don't know what's worth fighting for or why I have to scream,
I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean.
I don't know how I got this way; I'll never be all right,
So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit tonight.
'Kai!' Kai didn't look up, they couldn't get in. The door was locked and he was safe to die alone, in pain till the very end. There was a thud as one of them rammed the door. It didn't open. Kai was to tired to look up any more; he just wanted it all to end. There was another thud and shouts outside as the others tried to get in. Suddenly regret filled Kai's mind. He had never told them. Never said how happy he'd been with them before it all started. Panic suddenly showed in his eyes as blood slowly dripped to the floor. There was another thud and the door burst open.
I'll paint it on the walls, cause I'm the one that falls, I'll never fight again, and this is how it ends.
'KAI!' Yelled Rei, as he almost fell to the floor. Tyson followed behind him rushing into the room. Kai couldn't lift his head anymore, his vision was blurring.
'I'm sorry.' he whispered, 'I'm sorry.' Rei knelt down beside him, taking hold of his arm and trying to stop the blood pouring out. Tyson stood back slightly, his face white with shock.
'Shit Kai, what did you do, what did you do?' he murmured. In the distance was the faint sound of an ambulance, coming closer. Kai couldn't hear it anymore though; all he could see was Rei's face watching his own with horror, knowing they were too late.
'I'm sorry.' whispered Kai again, as even that faded away.
I don't know what's worth fighting for or why I have to scream,
But now I have some clarity to show you what I mean.
I don't know how I got this way; I'll never be all right,
So I'm breaking the habit, I'm breaking the habit; I'm breaking the habit tonight.
There was silence as Kai's eyes glazed over, broken only by Tyson's stifled sobs and the blare of Ambulance sirens come too late. As silent tears ran down his face, Rei whispered one last comfort to his friend.
'It's okay.'
